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First, I wrote this about the New Year. You should read it.


So. That Meme. It kinda sucked. I know that. You know that. The guy down the block who doesn’t even know what Meme means knows that.

I’m sorta embarrassed I didn’t do this in the first place.

And to all of you who are type A enough to want to do one again? I’m sorry. Genuinely.

But here’s the Meme I wish I’d answered.

1) What does Meme mean?

I think it’s an ancient Latin term for “most annoying, self-centered survey on the planet.” Which is shockingly similar to the term “Aunt Becky.”

2) 2011 – Was it all you’d hoped it would be?

It was the year that WAS. I’m anxious (also frightened) to ring in 2012.

3) Did you watch the Royal Wedding?

Nope. I’m not into weddings. Although the hats, man, the hats were killer.

4) Where are your pants?

Pants are fucking bullshit.

5) Is Justin Bieber human or some sort of robot?

I’m altogether certain that Justin Bieber is a robot created from a hostile world to teach our tweens how to drive their parents absolutely bonkers.

6) If you had only one thing to wish for this coming year, what would it be?

I’ve thought a lot about resolutions (I’m thirty-fucking-one this year. I should fucking resolve something?) and I’ve come to this conclusion: I will resolve to not become Lil Wayne this year.

7) Would you call yourself a “social media maven?”

Those three words together are sorta like saying, “she has a good personality.” They’re a cleverly disguised insult.

8 ) If you had to take three things to a desert island (let’s assume you have ample food and water), what would they be?



John C. Mayer


9) If you had the ability to banish certain offenses to an island where they would be rehabilitated into being okay again, what would those offenses be?

“ALot” versus “A Lot.”

“Loose” instead of “Lose.”

Being John. C Mayer.

Using any corporate buzz words in a non-ironic way. See also: “action plan,” “deliverables,” “proactive,” “engaged.”

10) How do YOU think the air conditioner works?

Gnomes fanning large blocks of ice with over-sized ornamental fans.

11) Do you ACTUALLY think you can make money blogging?


*wipes eyes*

I PAY to blog.

12) There’s a lot of talk in the blog world about microblogging (The Tumblr, The Twitter, The Facebook) taking over traditional blogs. Do you think that’s the case?

Nah, I think that those who were on the fence about traditional blogging or preferred some other medium (i.e. pictures) have gone to the microblogging platforms. I think those of us stubborn enough to stick around will be here until they pry our keyboards from our cold, dead hands.

13) If you could give one piece of advice to your younger self, what would it be?

There’s always a way. Find it. Keep finding it. Nothing turns out how you thought it would – so just roll with it, Baby.

P.S. You’re not a redhead. Quit trying to be one.

14) If you could’ve told yourself this time last year one thing, what would it be?

Billy Mays death will leave a gaping hole. Don’t try to fill it with the imprisoned ShamWow guy.

15) If you could have one Super Power, what would it be?

I’d be Aunt Becky, Maker of Coffee. I’d be able to make coffee without causing small fires.

16) If you could do one thing you can’t currently do, and do it well, what would it be?

I’d be an opera singer. No, seriously. I’ve been known to sheer paint off walls with my awesomely awful voice.

17) What surprises you about yourself?

I remain shocked that I have ditched my nursing degree, popped out two more crotch parasites and started to live my life on the Internet. Also: the whole non-profit thing seems weird to me.

18) What was your favorite blog post/tweet of the past year?

“Look out below, motherfuckers!” – The Twitter.

19) Do you REALLY think “Purple Should Be A Flavor?”

I hear there is purple vodka. I think this is probably the single best thing ever (altho I’ve not tried it, which seems like a motherfucking sin.)

20) If you could make one outlandish wish for 2012, what would it be?

I’d go to Vegas, be married by a creepy drive-thru Elvis, and spend the next several months in the desert, recreating Fear and Loathing.

Alternately, I’d go on a fucking epic road trip with a friend or five.


Once you Type A people out there complete this, go ahead and linkage on up! I even put up a widget. WINNING!

Image via my rad friend Joslyn

Since I’ve been too busy drinking port and eating Captain Crunch, I will, instead point you to this, which is funny in a very sad way, and this, which needs comments. (I hate asking for comments. I feel like a cheap (er) whore)(I’ve got something awesomer for you guys tomorrow to make up for actually having the audacity to ask for comments).

*slinks off into corner*

How was YOUR New Year, Pranksters?

It’s unsurprising that my middle son and I are exceptionally close. For a whole year, that child (then baby) refused to allow anyone but me to touch his Royal Majesty, and while most parents would’ve been screaming and pulling out their hair, I loved it. Certainly not every day, but most days, it was so unbelievable that a child could love me.

I had a first son, of course, but, thanks to autism, his love has always been something expressed more delicately than Alex, who simply loved me. It was pure, untainted, and one of the most religious experiences of my life. I finally understood what it felt like to be a parent. I’d clung to the notion that I was a parent, yet never felt like it, for so many years.

He’s closing on five now, one of the most intense people I’ve ever known, and still my best small friend. When he’s sick, he crawls into my lap, nestling in like a baby bird, and allows me to bask in memories of those baby days. When he’s well, he scampers around with his brother and sister, stopping briefly to hug me before spinning off to do something else.

For Christmas this year, he got a new butterfly costume. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the day he somehow broke the wings or tore the tutu, so for Christmas he got a second set. He fluttered around the house, stopping only to put on the boots he’d lovingly selected:

May your heart always be joyful, Alex, may your song always be sung.


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