I have a problem with windows.
Now you’re probably thinking:
a) AB is being neurotic about inanimate objects again
2) Another weird phobia? I thought the MAYO was bad enough.
But you’d be wrong.
When we bought our condo in Oak (no) Park (ing) (that’d be HiLARious if you knew what I was talking about), we were warned that our condo needed “new windows.” Now, after being told that the bedroom our son was sleeping in had high levels of lead paint, and the porch out back was being replaced as a part of a “special assessment” fee of 5 grand per unit, and that the walls of the living room were painted a color and texture best described as “cat pee on plasterboard,” learning that we needed new windows seemed almost…easy to rectify.
The windows were all, “how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?” After the rest of the shitstorm, getting new windows was about as likely as being able to get central air, learn to fly, and be able to murder people with my mind.
And we moved before it turned into any problem. Considering our third floor walkup was directly under the gigantic (ancient) radiator, we spent our only winter there walking around in shorts and tank-tops, all windows open. We played “summer condo.”
We moved to our new house in um *counts on fingers* *recounts* *counts again* A LOT OF YEARS AGO. Or, back in 2006. When we did, we reveled in the lead-paint free walls. Sure, they were painted colors of green that made me want to lob things at small adorable animals, but they HAD NO LEAD PAINT. Also? Central air? After living with 4 window units that blew hot air into the already-hellishly hot condo, I nearly humped the real estate agent after learning we could get a house with CENTRAL (motherfucking) AIR.
Yeah, sure it had ugly white carpeting, that appeared to beg my children to want to upend grape juice and vomit on it, and yeah, okay, the backyard had fake flowers planted in it, and okay, the color of yellow our siding is tends to require sunglasses to look at it, but CENTRAL (motherfucking) AIR.
We bought our house in February, the inspector didn’t even note that a) the bathroom upstairs doesn’t work or 2) the windows were falling apart.
Whatever, I shrugged, imagining my Midwestern Summers spent lounging about the house in a parka and hat. CENTRAL (motherfucking) AIR, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Once spring hit, and I decided to open up the house, I realized that our windows? They could’ve been imported from the condo we’d just moved from. The condo that was built in like 1901. The windows appeared to have fallen off the back of some truck at some point during the Lincoln Administration.
Half the screens were ripped. The half that weren’t had storm windows that were rusted so tightly that I broke three fingers trying to pry them open. Most of the windows let in more air closed than they did while opened. Windows were constantly slamming shut, mere moments after they’d been opened.
The icing on the proverbial cake came when I opened the windows in my bedroom this spring, ready to air that motherfucker out. I have those light-blocking shades and the window in question, well, I didn’t open it often.
When I finally managed to draw the shade, I saw it.
Motherfucking mold on this motherfucking window.
I bleached the fucker as quickly as you could say, “dumbass” and began wondering if this, in fact, was the reason I’d been sick since 1980.
Figuring it was time to draw a cross-breeze, after much work, that involved both sweating, breaking fingernails, and trying to navigate those stupid fucking cords, I began to draw back the blind from that window. Thank the Good Lord of Butter that I was somewhat slow on the uptake.
Because that window? The window on the FRONT of my house?
Got a nice crack in it. While other people might feel mortified that their neighbors would see that they’d improperly cared for their windows, I feel it adds a certain…something to my house. Like a creepy homeless tribe vibe.
But the mold? That’s problematic.
So I had The Daver Feldco, which is a window place out here. It’s probably a nation-wide chain, but I’m too lazy to Google it. The window guy came out on Saturday.
Window Guy: “Blah blah blah, here’s a quote if you do it today. Here’s another quote. Here’s another one.”
Aunt Becky (to herself): “I hate companies that pull that “if you sign today,” bullshit.”
As he was wrapping up, he asked The Daver if he wanted to sign today. We’d gotten a quote from a local guy and the quote from Feldco, well, it was substantially higher. Knowing Daver can’t say no to anything or anyone (see also: my Kirby vacuum), I piped in:
Aunt Becky: “We’re still looking around at other quotes.”
Window Guy: (rolls eyes)
The Daver: “Can I have a copy of the quote?”
Window Guy: “WHY? You already said you’re going with another place.”
The Daver: “…”
Aunt Becky (now annoyed): “I *said* I was gathering other quotes.”
Window Guy: “FINE. I’ll mail you a copy.”
Aunt Becky: (rolls eyes) thinks, “you just lost yourself a sale, fuckwad.”
Three days later, the local guy shows up and gives us a quote on replacing windows. He didn’t offer any special deals or bargains, he was no-nonsense. Also: probably part of the mob. But I didn’t care.
We signed the papers THAT DAY and by next Saturday? We should have new windows.
I haven’t reached such heights of orgasmic potential since I threw my serving apron on the floor and stomped off.
Oh wait. That was Jennifer Aniston in Office Space.
Same fucking difference.
I may have a window party. You’re all invited – IF you promise to admire the new grass growing on my lawn. (no, that’s not a euphemism for “admire my vagina.”).
I’m totally NOT inviting the douche from Feldco.
Being a grown-up is bullshit.
1) Replacing the windows in your house brings you to higher orgasmic heights than your last, well, orgasm.
2) You become very interested in the state of the new grass growing in your front yard. So much so that you will use any excuse to make people go and look at it. People. Like the mailman. Or a random jogger.
3) You own a designated Puke Bucket.
6) You refer to the hardware store as the happiest place on earth.
11) Bra-less, your breasts appear to be two oranges in tube socks. This alarms you less than it should.
23) You don’t drink to get sloppy, you drink because you “like the taste.”
47) Between the Teacher’s Institute Days, the celebration of Columbus’s Taint, International Ballpoint Pen Day, and obscurely PC-named weeks off, you’re not entirely sure your child actually attends school. Ever.
106) Once you get the kids to bed, your racy thoughts turn to ugly pajamas and television. When your spouse turns to you with “that look” in his eye, your only real response is a resonating sigh.
235) Tax refunds are no longer spent on a Hot Wing Tour of the US, but used to replace a door. A door, I should add, that while not entirely functional, is not broken.
551) You become irate at those stupid fucking teenagers driving up and down the street at Mach 8. So much so that you have a collection of golf-balls ready to lob at their cars.
1301) Your major selling point when purchasing a new mobile phone is no longer, “What games can it run,” but rather “Does it have a calendar? What about silent setting for meetings, Oh and does it synch with my linked-in?”
3159) Your idea of a “good time” involves reading a book about famous mathematicians.
7741) When you’re out past 9 PM, you’re all, “HOLY SHIT it’s LATE.”
19320) You begin to buy plants based upon the time of year that they bloom rather than, “does the name sound like an STD?”
What are some other signs you’re getting old, Pranksters?
(I’ve been up half the night playing Barf in Buckets, so my brain is a little fried)
I have food issues.
I like to think of them as sort of cute lil quirks, you know, the sort of thing that makes me endearing rather than annoying, but having lived with a foodie (The Guy On My Couch) and a pseudo-foodie (The Daver), I’ve come to realize that my food issues are more on the oh-my-God-you-are-so-weird spectrum. But hey, at least I have kicky hair.
See, while I happen to love fruit, I can’t look at canned fruit. In fact, the smell of canned fruit makes me heave histrionically. Actually, most things in cans repulse me. I’d rather go hungry than eat canned food. Which means when the Zombie Apocalypse happens, I’m gonna die. Immediately. Well, if I’m not raptured.
Hey, it’s possible.
(so is John C Mayer being un-douchey, the sun rising in the west and squirtable cheese in a can.)(…WAIT A MINUTE)
Anyway. Food issues.
They include a distrust of cream based salad dressing (especially thousand island, which appears to be the direct creation of Satan’s bunghole) and other creamy things in a can. Especially mayonnaise. The very thought of mayonnaise may ruin my appetite for mere moments at a time!
Mayonnaise is just so…so…WRONG.
A couple of months ago, The Guy On My Couch agreed to make me spinach and artichoke dip without the artichokes because who the hell likes those? (apparently most people who are not me). As I was off scouring the sale-rack for half-price Pop Rocks, The Guy On My Couch sneakily purchased a tub ‘o’ Mayo. I didn’t see it until we were in the car because he was being all stealth-like about it – he knew I’d overrule him and put back the mayo.
One morning, before he had a real job, I asked him to make the dip for breakfast.
Aunt Becky: “Hey, can you make the spinach dip now?”
The Guy On My Couch: “Sure.”
Aunt Becky: “You can’t put mayo in it.”
The Guy On My Couch: “Just…don’t come into the kitchen.”
Aunt Becky: “Why?”
The Guy On My Couch (shuffles feet around): “There’s a zombie in there.”
Aunt Becky (runs for the mustard): “Oh my GOD, REALLY? BATTEN DOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING HATCHES!”
The Guy On My Couch: “Um….yeah!”
Aunt Becky: “You’re going to put mayo in the dip, aren’t you?”
The Guy On My Couch: “LOOKIT THE SQUIRREL OUTSIDE. ISN’T HE HILARIOUS?”
Aunt Becky: (glares) “Nice try.”
The Guy On My Couch (preens): “THANKS!”
Aunt Becky: “On second thought, let’s go get donuts.”
Now that tub of white goo that looks mysteriously like spooge has sat in my lazy Susan for months, unopened. I’m sure as shit not going to open it up and grab out a nice big spoonful and if someone were to do it in my presence, I’d probably sit there making barfy noises until they opted to go into the other room. I’d, of course, follow them and continue heaving.
(my six word memoir? “Not just stupid, but annoying too!”)
The problem is this:
Aunt Becky wanders into the kitchen and, upon gazing lovingly at the box of Equal, notices a white tub of goo:
“OMFG, I CANNOT BELIEVE WE HAVE MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND NO ONE TOLD ME!”
*Grabs can and spoon*
“FUCK, it’s MAYO. DAMMIT.”
Rinse, repeat, every two or three days. God BLESS you Topamax for wiping my short-term memory. So glad I can still recall every phone number I’ve ever had but cannot manage to remember where I left my pants or how to update my blog.
I’m aware that the “smart thing” to do would be to dump the mayo once and for all, but no one has EVER accused me of being smart unless they were being particularly sarcastic, which, who could blame them?
Now if you don’t mind, I have a tub of Marshmallow Fluff waiting for me….
….oh right. Never mind.
So what’s going on with YOU, Pranksters? What’s YOUR six word memoir?