Along with the new-and-improved fat pattern distribution, and the lovely accordion like belly skin, Ben has imparted upon me a more lasting legacy. A more centralized and less forgettable type of bodily change, making me prone to looking as though I have nits.
I didn’t, unfortunately, think about the consequences of pushing out a child dubbed ‘Buckethead.’ Possibly the most horrific thing to happen to a freshly 21 year old mother (besides forceps and 4th degree tearing). A hemorrhoid. Yes, folks, it’s true. The ‘roids are not only for the old and infirm. The young, nubile, swollen, and fat get them too. And ass pillows.
God, the ass pillows.
I’m waiting until I’m done pushing out the crotch parasites and then I’ll get them cut off. Until then, I’ll pretend that I’m buying the economy sized vat of Preparation-H for my mother and laugh uncomfortably whenever anyone comes across my ass pillow.
Oh, who am I kidding.
The second I got my Tucks, I labeled them “Ass Pads” and displayed them on top of our toilet. If you can’t beat ‘em, announce it proudly to the world.
Aunt Becky (clearly jumping out of her skin with excitement): “Hey Fuckwad, I had a great idea!”
The Daver: “Yeah?”
(typing sounds resume in background)
Aunt Becky: “I want to buy a new house now.”
The Daver (warily) “Yeah?”
Aunt Becky: “I found a new one.”
The Daver: “What?!?”
Aunt Becky (talking faster now): “I mean, I know the market sucks but I just realized my dream house!”
The Daver (tiredly): “Where is this place?
Aunt Becky: “Well, you know that forest preserve that I love that we always pass on the way home that I always say ‘God, I love that forest preserve?’”
The Daver (warily and wearily): “….yes…”
Aunt Becky (triumphantly): “I’ve decided that we’re going to buy the Cantigny Mansion. You know, the old McCormick house? I toured it once as a kid with my parents, and I LOVED it!”
The Daver: (feels the dull thump of a migraine coming on) “Becky, it’s not for sale. It’s property of the county”
Aunt Becky: “I KNEW you were going to say that! THAT’S why we have to go in with guns blazing! Give them an offer they can’t refuse!”
The Daver (rests head on desk) “Ohno.”
Aunt Becky (dreamily):“Think about it, Dave. We can be Lord and Lady of the house. I mean, I already changed my name to Princess Grace of Monaco when we got married!”
The Daver: “You know she’s dead, right?”
Aunt Becky: “So she won’t mind that I’ve taken her name. Plus, I won’t have to explain to people, I’m the OTHER Princess Grace of Monaco. See, I think of EVERYTHING.”
The Daver: “You got me out of a meeting for THIS?”
Aunt Becky: “DUH. This is IMPORTANT.”
The Daver: “Dude. You’d better get this freelancing shit going soon.”
Aunt Becky: “When I am Lady of the House, I won’t have time to write any more. I’ll be too busy trying on my vast tiara collection and ordering the staff to taste my food to make sure it’s not been poisoned.”
The Daver: “I’m going to call some people to see if they’ll hire you.”
Aunt Becky: “Good luck with that.”
The Daver: “I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.”
Aunt Becky: “Wait a minute…”
What a hell of a year.
I’ve certainly had better years (read: threesomes with prostitutes) but I’ve had worse years too (read: threesomes with DISEASED prostitutes), but to say that it’s been a busy year is a drastic understatement.
*The apex of my thus-far scholastic achievement was met when I graduated college. It somehow felt a little empty, spending so much valuable time and money to earn a piece of paper that I have yet to actually show anyone but the poor saps I have cornered at my house to admire said diploma. Job-type-giving people have just assumed that I am actually degreed SIMPLY BECAUSE I SAID I WAS! I mean, I could’ve fooled the system WITHOUT actually having to exert any real effort.
Kinda like this. “Of COURSE I graduated college Mrs. HR lady!”
*I changed my name, and I must admit, Princess Grace of Monaco is a MUCH cooler sounding name. And to be totally honest, I haven’t really missed my old name, although my new signature is kind of awkward looking. I suppose that in time, it will become second nature.
*In an attempt at frugality (me, yeah right) I opted to purchase some CVS-brand toilet paper. BIG MISTAKE. I have learned, via wiping my ass on what actually appears to be wax paper, that TP is something one should NEVER attempt to skimp on.
*Last January, we bought a condo in scenic Oak Park. And painted it. No longer did the walls look like “cat pee on plasterboard” they looked like brightly colored Easter eggs. Then, being annoyed at living in Oak Park, we bought ANOTHER house in St. Charles. No one said we were, uh, SMART.
*This year was a bad one for my cats. My 2 favorites died suddenly and unexpectedly, causing me an inordinate amount of grief and pain.
*I had an actual honest-to-God birthday party to celebrate my 25th year on the planet and the passing of my nursing boards. It was in the TRASHIEST nightclub in the area, but shit, 25 man!
*Any year without a new case of venereal disease is a year well spent.
*I worked in prison to channel my inner Johnny Cash.
*After channeling my inner Johnny Cash too often around my child, he began to pick up some phrasings that may not be suited to the under 4 set. Also, this may have led to my isolation from the mommy’s in the pick-up lane. WHOOPS.
*The kid fingerpainted in poo. Twice.
*I done got married.
*Being married is SO much better than GETTING married.
I’m hoping for a quieter 2006, but I don’t know who the hell *I’m* kidding.