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I had only one goal for being pregnant with Alexander. One stinking, flipping goal: not to become a total fatass as I had done with Ben. I ate well, occasionally indulging, of course, but overall, I grabbed a bowl of green beans over a donut every damn time. I guess the old “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans” really rang true for me as I still managed to gain roughly what I did with Ben, WITHOUT THE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATELY GOODNESS.

So I figured, so what, I’d be one of those women who breastfed and lost most of the baby weight. I was okay with being 10 or 15 lbs fatter when I weaned him, but things are getting ridiculous over here. I’ve been nursing for nearly 5 months, and when I first attempted to diet I GAINED 3.5 LBS. I’ve since lost that plus an additional 2-3 lbs, but it’s killing me over here. I saw a picture of myself taken last night and nearly wept, who IS this fat person that’s taken over my body?

I considered doing Jenny Craig, but it’s extremely expensive (ala $400 a month) and I freaking hate boxed meals. I’ve tried the eating tofu, egg whites, and veggies and still, it’s not coming off fast enough for me. I’m nursing, so I can’t do anything extreme like I’d like to do, so I’m thinking Weight Watchers may be my best bet as I’m obviously not doing something right. It’d be one thing if I’d been holed up on my couch with a bag of Cheez It’s and a 24 case of Coke, but unfortunatly I’m not.

I think what’s most interesting about all of this is that if someone came to me and complained about the same thing, I’d remind her to give herself a damn break, that she’d JUST had a baby and was essentially giving him the best nutrition possible and that she needed to let it go for awhile. I DID try to let it go, and it lasted about a week before I realized that I was STILL obsessing about it.

So here is my plea, dear readers (few and far between as you may be) WHAT should I do here? How can I either buckle down and lose this fat or let it go for another couple of months?

The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him. (-Pablo Casals)

Happy Birthday, big guy. It’s been a hell of a ride so far and we can’t wait to watch you grow even more (but seriously now, could you PLEASE stop growing so damn fast?!?).

I haven’t been childless in over 6 years. I’ve been married for 2. But I have been informed over and over about how much harder it is to be single than to be married. Not knowing what it’s like to be single and over the age of 20, I can only guess.

Opinions being like assholes and all, here’s my list of why it must be harder to be single and childless than it is to be married + kids.

1. All of those nights that you go out to dinner and HAVE to actually spend your night discussing days events and feelings and other bullshit like that. God, compare that to the screaming baby WHO ONLY WANTS THE TIT and having to constantly have your conversations interrupted with stories about Dora the Explorer. Sheesh, wouldn’t THAT be MORE relaxing?

2. You have to CONSTANTLY remind other people JUST HOW SINGLE YOU ARE and HOW YOU ARE NEVER, EVER GETTING MARRIED so that they never, ever forget it. Even if they don’t care at all either way.

3. You can use every available opportunity to remind your married + kids friends that no matter how much sleep they are not getting or whatever other bullshit they might happen to complain about to remind them that NO MATTER WHAT your life will always be harder. Because you are single.

4. The aroma of baby poo will NEVER fill your bedroom. Add a sleeping baby into the mix, and you won’t EVER have an excuse not to hump! Nothing gets you in the mood for sex like baby poo.

5. You will never have an excuse why you can’t just go to sleep after work and take the night off. Because if you don’t make it to run your grocery store errands, you’ll just have to subsist on takeout food. And Lord KNOWS that it’s more expensive to get takeout for one person than it is for 3 or 4.

6. Overnight, no one wakes you up demanding something that only YOU can provide. And if, by chance, a lover/boyfriend is over and wakes you up, you can roll over knowing that he can get whatever he wants for himself. Unless it’s sex, which you can’t avoid without the gentle aroma of rotting baby poo wafting through the room. It sucks not to be so needed!

7. You can constantly lessen the amount of work that your friends that do not work do by degrading what they have chosen to do with their lives. If you don’t work, and are (gasp!!) supported by someone else (double gasp!!!), what right do you have to complain about ANYTHING!?! Working a stressful job and paying your own bills by yourself makes you a far, far better person, and you should remind anyone else who does not do what you do of that.

8. Any messes that are made in your place are obviously made by you, which sucks because you have no one else to blame it on! If only you had a couple of other people to clean up after so that you could blame them!

9. Getting paid well, getting occasional promotions as well as the occasional “good job!” from the bosses are nothing compared to having nipples bitten almost off or the ever popular “I am not going to live here ANYMORE!” statement when you dare refuse the child something. That sounds like payment enough to me!!! Who wouldn’t feel good about themselves when their 6 year old is having yet ANOTHER tantrum about having to drink his milk!?! Being barfed on, or better yet, having the kid barf on the floor so that you have to then clean the floor too is BETTER than a promotion!

10. Running errands by yourself SUCKS! It’s so much easier to do it with an overanxious 6 year old who cannot keep his hands off anything and a baby that insists on being held the whole time! The shopping cart practically pushes itself!

But daytime TV, (shudder) now THAT’S scary.

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