I used to tell people that I wanted three children. Having had Alex now for almost 10 weeks, I’ve decided that I don’t ever want any more children. Which would be funny, except that it’s not.
You see, Internet, I’ve been lying to you: I’m not doing so well over here.
I gave birth to a child who on his best days could be described as difficult, and on his worst, hell-sent after a pregnancy that pretty much zapped my will to live. And now I am a prisoner in my home, chained to this baby who refuses to quiet for anyone but me. He rarely sleeps. Breastfeeding has turned from a ‘Hey, wow, this is cheap and we’re bonding and stuff’ to a virtual noose around my neck, tightening with each successive thing that I have to pass up because I cannot leave the baby for more than 2 hours.
I sit around day after day, surfing the Internets and watching shitty daytime TV while Alex alternately shrieks or breastfeeds, often simultaneously. For hours. I have no mommy-friends close, and my other friends live real big-girl lives that don’t involve diaper duty and cracked nipples. I’m so tired that I can no longer do simple math (let’s be clear here: I used to be able to do it) and I have no end or relief in sight.
There are even days that I question my choice to have had him at all. Of course, seconds later Mommy Guilt kicks in and I cannot believe that I could think that way. Alex doesn’t MEAN to be such an asshole, and being loved so wholeheartedly is somewhat flattering. But sometimes I wake up (or am still awake at 3am, so anxious that I cannot sleep) and look around and say ‘is this REALLY the life that I chose for myself, each day the same as the rest?’ and I wonder how other people do it.
I love him so overwhelmingly and I hate that I feel this way. It will get better; I know it will. My first was no walk in the park (he may have actually been worse as he was totally inconsolable) and I distinctly remember the day that life with him in it didn’t seem to be quite so long. However, in the here and now, I’m honestly picturing breastfeeding him through college. THAT’S how much he loves the boob and how trapped I feel right now.
Like an addict, I’m going to have to just take this one day at a time and hope for a better tomorrow, because losing my marbles just isn’t an option. And I am going to try like hell not to resume smoking, which is all that I can think about these days.
Mental note: going tanning in the super bed after a year long tanning exile is VERY not wise.
Burned nipples + teething (i.e. biting) baby = pure stabby badness.
Let’s just say it’s suicide for me…
Alex has an anger problem. He always has, really. From the moment he was unceremoniously slapped on my belly after birth, he opened his gaw up and began to shriek (maybe it was the realization that we were his parents’) only to be comforted by the insertion of my nipples. I only wish I were exaggerating.
Thankfully for all of our eardrums, I had decided to breastfeed. And breastfeed I did. For the first 6 weeks, it was near constantly, and only not completely constantly because I occasionally needed to do such mundane things such as pee and I do have *some* need for privacy.
I’d not had much experience with seeing breastfeeding mothers in public aside from the scarily creepy woman from my teens. I was working as a hostess at an upscale joint on a busy weekend afternoon, when I noticed a woman sitting on the floor in the middle of an aisle.
As I walked past, I saw that she’d placed a blanket on the floor and was breastfeeding her baby WHO WAS LAYING ON THE FLOOR while she continued conversing with her table. Now, my complaint here was not that she was breastfeeding but that the poor baby was laying on the floor among the dirt and moreover blocking my damn way.
I figured with as immodest as I am, as long as I don’t intentionally expose my child to the gross germs of a restaurant floor I was pretty okay with breastfeeding in public. I bought my Hooter Hider (yay!) and was off to Target with the Sausage Brigade. Alex, being who he is, immediately upon seeing the beautiful clean aisle upon aisle of The Happiest Place On Earth, freaked the fuck out and wanted to nurse.
Because we needed groceries regardless of his tirade, I covered up with the Hooter Hider and finagled and wrangled the baby to latch on while trying walk and most importantly NOT DROP HIM ONTO THE FLOOR even if he keeps latching and unlatching and shrieking. Let me tell you, it was TOTALLY AWESOME. And it happened each and every time we went out: I broke my back trying not to flash anyone, while nursing the baby AND trying not to overheat us both while walking about the store.
It took several weeks for me to hit my breaking point. This weekend, while trying to keep my frantic baby latched on while sifting through all 6,000 yards of fabric of the Hooter Hider I had officially HAD ENOUGH. I took the Hooter Hider off and whipped it out for all to see and proceeded to finish my shopping, breast hanging out and all daring anyone to mess with me.
Luckily, considering the evil mood I was in, no one even batted an eyelash at me.
The Sausage Brigade, however, seemed to be slightly embarrassed.