St. Charles, IL – an area woman often known as “Aunt Becky,” although she is, at time of print, not an actual aunt to anyone at all, claims that “the only thing worse than having an iPhone 4S is not having an iPhone 4S.” Aunt Becky, more commonly known as Becky Sherrick Harks, makes it a point to state, “my last name is not hyphenated,” even without being asked, sits in her apartment drinking one of many diet Coke bottles lying her tiny apartment.
“It’s like this,” Harks states, “my iPhone couldn’t really make phone calls, which is why I got a landline,” and “It made me really mad at my iPhone.” Upon catching her breath she informs us that, “it was kinda a piece of shit, for an Apple product. I mean what fucking phone can’t make a call?” She then adds that while she was often frustrated by her “inability to use the ‘phone’ part of the iPhone 4S,” she did like to use it to play Angry Birds. “I mean,” says Harks, “the birds are so cute when they’re mad,” and when this writer agreed, she replied with, “Fucking-a, right” after offering a hot dog to the writer.
“It goes like this,” Harks said, getting visibly choked up. “I had this piece of shit phone that can’t make a fucking call to save itself, even though it says right on the box “PHONE.” I kept threatening the damn thing with a NOT-Smart phone, but those things don’t have those cute fucking angry birds on them.” She dabbed her eyes on her shirt and resumed, “but I didn’t really mean it. I mean, yeah, the damn thing couldn’t cure cancer, but I sorta kinda liked it, like a little bit.”
After a nasty battle between iPhone 4S and the washing machine, Harks knew it was the end of her iPhone. First, she cheered, “finally, I can get another phone!” then immediately lamented, “but I miss my iPhone 4S already.” When questioned regarding the duality of her statement, Harks simply stated, “Android sucks. Sure I couldn’t call anyone from my iPhone, but at least I could find Angry Birds without having to flip through 736 screens.” “Although,” she continued, “I do like that little monster guy icon. He’s pretty cute.”
Harks states that she will probably return to get another iPhone the moment her contract is up with her mobile carrier, even though she may be unable to use it to call for help if there is an actual emergency, unlike the previous 3,483 times Harks has called 911 when McDonald’s forgot to give her extra BBQ sauce.
When asked for comment, Sprint, her mobile carrier, simply stated, “That girl is a dumb bitch.”
The Android phone, in a rare moment of Smart Phone clarity, agreed.
1) Order sweet potato fries for the whole table, then, rather than share, grab the basket and lick each fry, claiming them as your own.
2) Order – and drink – Appletini’s. For real.
3) Inform everyone from the guy down the street selling papers to the barista at Stardollars how much better Breaking Bad is than The Wire. If they disagree, begin to speak in a loud voice using small words to provide a moment-by-moment breakdown of each scene for the past four seasons. When they finally agree, just to shut you the fuck up, then admit, “Hey, but it’s not as good as Lost.”
4) Whistle badly, tunelessly, at all points in which your mouth is not defending The Lost Conspiracy.*
5) Casually mention that you’ve “discovered” the most amazing (insert store/bar/restaurant here) even though all of them are easily found in the phone book or on Yelp.
6) End every conversation with, “Yes, but what would FREUD say about that?”
7) Insist upon chewing at least three pieces of gum at all points while away and rather than chew quietly, smack your mouth open and closed as loudly as possible so as to mimic a cow eating grass.
8) Quote Scarface often in the worst possible accent you can muster; inserting it into conversations in which it has no bearing.
9) Drink beverages with a straw and spend at least ten minutes after the liquid has been ingested making that horrifying sucking noise, trying to ensure that every single molecule is inside your mouth.
10) Brush off every single one of the accomplishments of other children by saying breezily, “Yeah, well, Little Jimmy was doing THAT at age four. Do you think something’s wrong with (insert name of other child here) to be doing this so BEHIND?”
11. Aimee says: Talk on the phone while in the bathroom. Loudly. And be sure to choose the only stall next to another person.
12. Stacey Says: Never let anyone finish a story. ALWAYS leap in with yours before they get to teh end. Bonus asshole points if it isn’t just a similar story but tops theirs significantly.
13) Luna Says: Ask them if they’ve found Jesus yet. If they say “Yes”, ask “Was he under the couch?” If they say no, invite them to read from the Bible with you.
14) Luna Says: Fart. Loudly. Then chide them loudly for farting.
15) Luna Says: Stand the wrong way in the elevator.
16) Luna Says: Start selling a MLM scheme.
17) Luna Says: Demand that you split the restaurant bill evenly (5 people, check split evenly 5 ways), but order 3 times as much as everyone else. Do not share under any circumstances.
18) Cindy Says: show them all the pictures of your kids/dogs/boat collection. (yes, I just had someone show me pictures of his boat collection.)
19) Sandy Says: Put an “Out of Order” sign on the door of the restroom at work and see how long it takes for maintenance to take it down.
20) Anonymous Says: Invite yourself to move in with your best friend, decide to stay indefinitely, talk about inappropriate subjects in front of their children, be late with rent, and just generally overstay your welcome.
21) Luna Says: TMI. Always tell people about your bowel movements and your menstrual flow. Words like “clots” and “squirt” are particularly useful.
22) Luna Says: Make a great big screaming deal out of your birthday. Refuse to acknowledge anyone else’s.
23) Luna Says: Make food for your friends with food allergies. INSIST that the food is safe. Refuse to let up until they try it. When they get sick, say, “Well, I tried my best! I didn’t think a LITTLE would hurt!”
24) Brenay Says: Call/ text/ email obsessively to confirm a date to spend time with your friend. Cancel five minutes before you are supposed to meet, using the worst excuse you can think of. For example, you can say you totally forgot about the lunch date because you had to go get a gallon of milk. (You are lactose intolerant.)
25) Lovelyn Says: Call your friends regularly at ungodly hours. When they answer ask, “Where you sleeping?” When they say yes, ignore them and start giving them a minute by minute account of your day.
26) Ryen Says: Step into a busy elevator, press every button, then turn around to face your now angry audience and clasp your hands together and say, “I’ve gathered you all here today to”……and then finish with the most awesome, bizarre thing you can think of.
27) Meg Says: Don’t flipping tell me to have a BLESSED day. I’ll go see a priest if I need to get fucking blessed.
*I do not know what this means either.
—————-Your turn, Pranksters! Leave me a comment with another way to make enemies and lose friends and I’ll add it to the list above with your name and a link to your blog or social media!
“Hey! Rebecca!” My father exclaimed in the gleeful way he does now that he’s retired and in the mood to fuck with me.
“Yeeeesss?” I looked up briefly from my phone, where I’d been frantically editing photos to make sure cats with freakin’ laser beams appeared in every snap.
“What do you say? Wanna talk about guys? I know guys. We can totally talk about guys,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
“UGH,” I replied. “Why don’t you go reorganize something?”
He laughed and left me alone with my mother.
“Have you thought about dating again?” she asked, in the same way that everyone from my mailman to the guy at Starbucks had begun.
“No… not really,” which was the truth. I’d been putting the pieces of my new life together, working a zillionty-hundred hours a week and trying to ensure that I made time to pee once in awhile.
“I don’t know if I’d get remarried – too much work,” she mused.
“I HEARD THAT!” My father yelled from the kitchen where he’d begun arranging glasses by color, size, clarity, and width. Retirement is not his OMGBBQBFF.
After a long day at Not-Chicago, I wearily climbed into bed for a brief nap before I tried to muster up the energy to make myself something to eat. The job; well, I loved it, but damn if it didn’t take the fuck out of me. Eventually, I pulled myself out of bed, intending to pop outside for some fresh air and to watch the sun set. The sunsets in Chicago, well, they’re amazing, and I try not to miss a single one, even if sleep is where I’m a viking.
Eyes filled with sleep, I opened my front door, immediately confronted by a large grey cat, who appeared to believe that he, too belonged there.
“Meeoooow,” he whined at me a long-drawn out moment, before sauntering back into the bush in front of my window.
“Hey buddy,” I said, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. Living on the river = you never know what sort of critter will be popping out to try and eat, maim, or love on you.
I rounded the bend out of my stoop and there stood a man who appeared as shocked as I was. Critters I was used to. A dude standing there? Not so much.
“Hi,” he said. “Sorry about my sister’s cat – he likes to hang out in front of other people’s doors. He’s a pervert, but he means well.”
I laughed. “Well, at least I’m wearing pants.”
Turning thirty-seven shades of red, he laughed awkwardly.
I walked out further to stand near him – I love my neighbors at the FBI Surveillance Van, and this one seemed friendly.
“Dan,” he said, formally holding out his hand.
“Becky,” I said, adding, “with a ‘y’ not an ‘i.’”
“Nice to meet you, Becky-with-a-y,” he smiled at me.
“Nice to meet YOU, Dan,” I smiled back, the way two people do when they know they’re sharing a special secret; that this is about to become something big; bigger than either of us could’ve imagined.
“Hey Baby,” Dan called over the sound of the vacuum. “You should SEE what I found behind the couches!”
I popped out of the bedroom, where I’d been purging all of the “maybe I’ll use this someday shit” that multiplies while I’m asleep. Or gnomes drag it in – I can’t be sure. Either room, I needed to make some room in my life.
“WOAH,” I took a step back. “That is GROSS!”
“No more eating in the living room, I’m thinking,” he replied.
“Okay, YOUR turn! Come and see what I’ve done with our bedroom!” I squeeed. I love purging like I love butter.
“HOLY SHITFUCK, Becky!” he exclaimed. “This is all my closet space?”
“Yep,” I said, beaming. “It’s almost like you live here or something.”
“Baby,” he snorted back laughter; a private joke between us. “I DO live here. I haven’t left since our first date.”
I smiled at him; that same knowing smile two people can share when they have a particularly delicious secret.
He grabbed me and spun me around as I squealed happily, until we both fell onto the bed, dizzy and smiling, knowing that indeed, this had indeed become bigger than either of us could’ve imagined.
“So,” he said. “THIS is what happiness feels like.”
I smiled again. “Yes, I believe it is.”