Generally speaking, I think memes are as interesting as dry toast, so I tend to avoid them. If anyone really cared much about “which Disney Princess I am,” I’d begin to wonder about your sanity, Pranksters. I’m used to seeing that shit on The Facebook (along with invites to Farmville – which, if I want to have a farm, I will plant real crops in real dirt) Once a year, though, right about this time, I am compelled to answer the same questions I’ve been answering since I chipped out my homework on a tablet of granite and road a dinosaur to school.
Despite my dislike of answering mundane questions about myself that no one cares about, I admit that I am a weeeeeee bit compulsive. As in, for the year I barely blogged, I ran around The FBI Surveillance Van flapping my arms like a chicken, not knowing what to DO with myself. And since I do this every year, I do this EVERY motherfucking YEAR.
(Pointless aside: As proof that I do not actually have a life, I offer this spectacle of year(s) in review: 2012 here, 2011 here, 2010 here, 2009 here, 2008 here, 2007 here, 2006 here. I have 2005 somewhere in an email, which is where I’d gotten this stupid meme in the first place)
1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Papered my walls with the souls of the gnomes that power my refrigerator. Oh. Um. Wait. *chuckles uncomfortably* I didn’t MEAN that.
Whelp – hrms. I got my own insurance card. That’s kinda rad.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolutions is usually fairly preposterous – two (three?) years ago, I vowed NOT to turn into Lil Wayne (that link is SO worth it, I promise) because every time I try and make some lofty goal, the Universe flips me the bird. And guess what? I still wake up every day and am NOT Lil Wayne! Way to GO!
This year, I vow NOT to visit the state of Delaware. Not because I have anything against it (shit, I don’t even know anyone who lives there) or some bizarre personal vendetta, but because it seems like something I can resolve NOT to do.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Every year it alternates – The Facebook V. The Twitter in the amount of blurry ultrasound images that are PROBABLY of a baby, but could just be an ultrasound image of a neck or something. This year, The Facebook is pregnant. ALL of it. Even the floating fetuses (or necks) are pregnant.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Unless you count the death of my dream to marry my television husband, Dexter a death, no.
5. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
A pet squirrel.
6. What countries did you visit?
According to the official statement released by the FBI Surveillance Van, the answer is “none.”
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
Um. I ate a cookie yesterday. That was pretty awesome.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not turning into Lil Wayne. Or *shudders* Lady Gaga.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not taming a squirrel to be my best friend, confidant, butler, or minion. I did feed one once before I realized it was boring as fuck.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I fell off the train. My pride has yet to heal.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Reasons I know I’m turning into an old fart – I bought a new winter coat that’s all super warm and shit. And it made me happy in the pants. How pathetic is that?
(on second thought, don’t answer that)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Um. The squirrel who decided that I would NOT make a good housemate.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
C’mon, Meme – are we 12? Oh. We are? In that case: TERRORISTS. I’ve heard they don’t even like BACON.
Also: The Hamburgler. Who the fuck steals someone’s hamburger? AN ASSHOLE, THAT’S WHO.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Renting the FBI Surveillance Van. When I renewed my lease, I didn’t even get a new air freshener shaped like a wee whimsical merry tree. I should sue somebody. Anybody.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My vagina is totally tickled pink that my girl Britney is doing a show in Vegas because LET’S GO TO VEGAS, PRANKSTERS!
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
“The Monster” from Eminem and Rhianna.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? Well, I’ll tell you this: last year this time, I was working as a freelancer. Now? I spend my days in an office (a real one, not my bathroom) writing. All day. I’ll let you guess which one I am.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reminding myself that things work out – one way or another, they always work out.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about the future.
will you be did you spend ing Christmas?
Dave and the kids came over to the FBI Surveillance Van Christmas morning to open a metric fuckton of presents and eat chocolate cake for breakfast. Then, we hightailed it to my parents house with the kids because it’s TRADITION, Meme.
21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.
I’ll make up my own question:
21. Why does the term “designer drugs” conjure up an image of a bunch of pills hanging out wearing tiny Chanel and Prada clothing and snappy accessories?
Um, I think that’s the point of the name – to make you feel you’re better than the wino down the street whispering “fucksticks” at every passerby.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Only if you count “every time I looked in the mirror.”
23. How many one-night stands?
More than you can count. My vagina was like a revolving door for penises (penii?).
24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Following. I hate to admit it, but I’d sorta lost my lust for Dexter in the past couple of years.
*whimpers* Please stop throwing things at me.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
The Hamburgler, obviously. And anyone who manufactures gravy in a can because that’s just fucking wrong.
26. What was the best book you read?
Grey’s Anatomy. Seriously.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
How can one “discover” music that’s been written by someone else, produced by another person, then promoted by a third entity?
28. What did you want and get?
I’d wanted to find world peace. Instead I got peed on.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The last time I saw a movie in the theater was in 2009 (+/- a year). I did see Skyfall and, like most James Bond movies, I loved it without understanding what it was about AT ALL.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 33 this year and hid under the bed, only to emerge for some tapas and champagne.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Owning a unicorn that farted Skittles.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
“Whelp, this shirt doesn’t involve swearing – guess I can wear it to school conferences.”
34. What kept you sane?
Sanity is overrated.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Kim Kardashian’s ass. I fancied the HELL out of that.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
“Butter side up” versus “butter side down” had me awake more nights than I’m comfortable admitting to.
37. Who did you miss?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Dan. He’s pretty swell.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
“Smart Water” doesn’t actually make your IQ increase.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year (because this Meme is apparently written for tweens):
“Dumb ways to die; so many dumb ways to die.”
The rest of the meme says I should tag some people but, eh, I don’t tag people. It makes me twitchy. Mostly because I’ll forget someone and then, then I’ll feel sad in the pants.
I’m tagging each of you. If I can do one Meme a year, SO CAN YOU, Pranksters.
Happy Happy New Year, Pranksters.
Time to show your work and link this shit UP!