I was among the horrified masses when Kotex launched their “Have A Happy Period” campaign. It had clearly been thought up by dudes, because I don’t know a single chick who would be, “man, my period is SO MUCH HAPPIER.” Periods just ARE.
Anyway, over the one thing responsible for keeping my room at sub-arctic temperatures – the only way I can sleep – my window A/C unit – decided to start leaking. I, being the brilliant specimen of humanity that I am, didn’t realize it until I walked into my bedroom to put on a bra and was all, *sniff, sniff* “WHYZ IT SMELL MUSTY? IZ IT FUCKING GNOMES AGAIN?”
I turned on the overhead light and saw, much to my horror, that my brilliant, treasured and adored window A/C unit was leaking. It was motherfucking leaking onto my motherfucking carpet.
After I stopped wringing my hands and gnashing my teeth and throwing myself onto my bed dramatically saying, “WHY ME GOD, WHY ME?” I got up to assess the damage.
Okay. A couple of things got soaked, I could handle that. I threw them in the wash and lugged out my trusty steam cleaner. I’m going to insist they bury me with it because it is so full of the awesome.
Before I started steam-cleaning my way to heaven, I had to move a couple of things out of the way to allow proper access to the Wet Spot (very unlike the OTHER Wet Spot). Including half of my clothes from Type-A Parent. I’m an excellent bedroom-cleaner, OBVS.
Well, in that stash of crap were a couple of maxi-pads. I’d figured I’d just be shoving them into the BlogHer bag when I got around to packing this week, so I never bothered to put ‘em away.
I grabbed ‘em, snorting at the “Have a Happy Period” crap when I realized that the maxi pads had finally given me a reason to smile.
They’d absorbed a bunch of the water from my leaky *sobs* A/C unit.
Now THAT is a motherfucking happy period.
Dear Aunt Becky,
Just a quick one… can I block a site from looking me up. I was checking out my stats (well… my blog stats) and found, much to my utter horror, that some porn site in Russia is sending quite a bit of traffic my way.
Now I’m all for traffic but I don’t know if I want some porno Russian reading up on my life… how do I do the Internet Protect thing?
It’s my NAME! I’m Working Mom… BUT NOT THAT KIND OF WORKING MOM, you Russian Nit! I’m a Mom that works… at a job… full time… Maybe I should just change my name… But I’ve always been Working Mom…
Oh, Dear Prankster, do I feel your plight. Here, let me show you:
But this, this is taken from the Band Back Together stats thingy I use and there’s a zillion more like it. Now, Mommy Wants Vodka? Perhaps that would make sense. But Band Back Together is like, um, GOOD shit, and my blog, well, let’s be honest with ourselves here.
Now, I don’t ever block IP addresses. And if I did, it would require much hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing before I gave it over to The Daver.
But I’m going to do my best to help you. I will assume you run Windows Vista Firewall or Norton Anti-Virus Firewall. Let’s start with Norton, because I like the name better.
How To Block an IP Address if You Run Norton Internet Security:
- Open Norton Internet Security and hit, “settings, under the field “internet.”
- Hit, “advanced settings: configure” under “smart firewall. “
- Hit “general rules: configure,” and the button, “add.”
- Choose button, “block” and hit “next.”
- Choose, “connections to and from other computers,” and hit “next.”
- Choose, “only computers and sites listed below.”
- Hit, “add” and type the IP address you’re blocking in the space.” Hit “okay” then “next.”
- Hit “next” two times as the default settings are fine.
- Give this firewall a nice name, like, “Russian porn,” and hit, “next” then “finish” to block this IP Address from stalking you again.
Then buy Aunt Becky a nice cup of coffee (read: vodka).
Blocking IP Addresses From Windows Vista:
- Login to the admin account in Windows vista and hit “start.”
- Type in “firewall,” and hit, “windows firewall with advanced security” located under “programs.”
- Choose “inbound rules” on the left side of the firewall window.
- Choose “custom” then hit “next.”
- Choose “all programs” and hit “next.” And hit “next” again.
- Choose “these IP addresses” in the area, “remote IP addresses.”
- Hit “add” and type your Russian Porno site’s IP address in that area.
- Hit “OK” then “next.”
- Choose “block the connection” then hit “next.”
- Type in a nice descriptive name for this firewall rule (Russian Porno Site) and hit “next,” then “finish” to block ‘em.
- Choose “outbound rules” on the left side of the firewall window and repeat steps four through ten.
Then buy Aunt Becky thirty cups of coffee or at least one.
Good luck, Prankster. And if it’s any consolation, they’re probably NOT reading your archives.
Dear Aunt Becky,
How come in your new schmantzy pants website you no longer link to We Know Awesome? Also, what on earth are schmantzy pants? I think I made up a word. By pants I mean underwear as I am English btw!
Ah, Prankster, I’m glad as hell you pointed it out. I’d thought there WAS a button up for We Know Awesome and seeing that it’s not sent me into a “THAT’S BULLSHIT,” rage. Having my designer work something up so we can fix this.
Thank you for letting me know!
Dear Awesomest Aunt Becky;
I have been dating a man for 4 years, after being divorced for 1. Every 6 months or so he decides that he has “loving feelings” towards me but he doesn’t have desire for me physically. So we break up, during which time we fuck like bunnies.
So we admit that we are really still together and go back to being BF/GF. So we are in yet another “slump” and I’m not sure what to do. Do I tell him that I am done with this even though I love him to death as does my 6 y/o son? Or do I wait it out knowing he’ll swing back the other way soon enough?
Thanks for your advice!
Oh Lisa, I’ve been with That Guy before and he kinda sucks. But he’s kinda awesome, too.
So here’s my advice: do you like this limbo? Do you like not knowing whether you’re going to be dating or not? Can you handle the back and forth of it all? Is it worth it?
Because if the answer to any of those is, “no,” I’d suggest moving on. Love or not, you deserve someone who loves and desires you all of the time, not someone who keeps you in limbo.
That’s just my two cents. Which probably make zero sense.
Dear Aunt Becky,
Wanted to know where my shirt was! I ordered one of your awesome shirts and it hasn’t arrived! HALP!
Oh Prankster, you made my day. I love it when you guys buy my shirts. Because I think they’re full of the awesome.
I spoke with my shirt guy (who currently stocks my stuff) and he’s mailing out a number of the shirts on Monday. They screen print the shirts and I know they’re done now, so, you know, thanks for your patience.
Email me at email@example.com if you don’t get it by Wednesday of this week (or so).
And send me a picture of yourself wearing it for my Gallery of Awesome Shirts! Doing something wacky, you know? I like wacky. And if you have a blog, send me the URL so I can add it.
What do you think of a “Mommy Drinks Because You Cry” shirt?
As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments! And tell us your creepiest stalker IP addresses.
OH and stalker stories. I love stalker stories.
I started blogging in 2004 when Moses was my classmate and I wrote a wee dinosaur to school. A Mushroom Print – for those not in the know – is a dick-smack, and that was precisely what my co-blogger Pashmina and I fully intended our blog to be. A verbal dick-smack.
My first post was something about a) pubic hair or 2) my vagina, something I know because that was generally what we wrote about. You take two youngish-twenty-somethings and you put them together, and you’d expect to hear about how we were trying to be Carrie Bradshaw or something.
Not so, Little Grasshopper, not so. We deliberately wrote about things no hot young thang would, in her right mind, put out there.
Some of the stuff has made it’s way over here, the rest was deleted when I reinvented Mushroom Printing as a snarky group blog for us Pranksters.
In 2007, I started Mommy Wants Vodka*, my less-snarky site. It was here that I wrote my heart out. Turns out, those who want to read about your vagina may NOT want to read about your colicky baby. The name was a deliberate poke at the other mom blogs who seemed to exist in a dream world, where everything was perfect all the time.
Because I am many things, Pranksters, but I am most decidedly NOT perfect. None of us are. Okay, maybe you are. But I’m sure as shit not.
It took me ages to write about the really hard shit. Sure, my kid was colicky and yeah, I never slept, but the first post I recall writing about something a) deep or 2) meaningful was when I wrote about how much I hated Mother’s Day. I wrote my heart out.
It was probably not good, but it was real and it was mine. Which is the only thing I’d tell anyone who “wants to increase their blog traffic.” Write honestly and from the heart and for god’s sake, do it in your own way.
ANYWAY. I digress.
Rather than eschew me for being unfunny that day, I had a number of people who spoke up and said, “you know what? ME TOO. Here’s why:” and they told their stories.
That was the moment that I realized we all had stories.
When Stef died, I wrote about my grief, albeit badly. I’ve never been properly able to write about her, although not for lack of trying. I’ve deleted thousands of words because they weren’t enough.
But once again, my Pranksters spoke up and told me their stories. In comments, in emails, in other posts, I read about how you, too, had lost someone you loved and how it changed you. Your stories made me laugh, they made me cry, and they sparked an idea in the back of my very tiny head.
Then my daughter was born, and she was so, so ill. You’ve all prayed with me, you’ve watched her grow from a very sick girl to Amelia, Princess of the Motherfucking Bells. You’ve told me your stories in emails, blog posts, comments and phone calls. I have an email folder specifically for your stories, did you know that? I read them sometimes and am reminded of how lucky I truly am.
Because I know you all. My Pranksters, I am so fucking lucky to know you.
I launched Band Back Together in September, a place that I envisioned like a library of stories, complete with resources to accompany them. I knew in time, we could fill all those empty shelves and we have. And more.
Yesterday, National CASA posted about Band Back Together. If you don’t know CASA, you should.
I was reminded of the immense power we have. Blogging has turned from a “hobby” into something that means something. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: our words have power. The power to connect, the power to unify, the power to change.
Alone, we may be small blogs, letting others into our lives, glimpse by glimpse, but when we unite, we have the power to change. I’ve learned so much from you, my Pranksters. Stories I’d never have been told on the street, things no one else may know about you, but things I do. Because you were brave enough to sit down in front of a computer screen and type out your words.
That is an act of bravery, you know. Every time you sit down in front of a computer and type out your words, that is brave. No. Let’s try that again, this time for Stef: it’s MOTHERFUCKING brave.
So I, once again, invite you into Band Back Together, a site I run, but a site that is owned by many, to share your stories, let others into your world and tell your truth. To commit an act of bravery.
If we can unite, tell the world we exist, put our stories together and demand change, we can achieve it. That’s not a question.
I look forward to your stories.
Each and every one of them.
And I hope that we can work with other organizations, like CASA**, to show the world that we are unafraid, that our stories matter, that we matter.
Because we do. From the biggest blogger to the person who’s never written a single word, we all matter.
So let’s act like it.
*The original concept was “Mommy Wants Bourbon” but it didn’t roll off the tongue the same way “Mommy Wants Vodka” does.
**if you work with a site like CASA or another blog doing Good in the blog world, we’d love to work with you on The Band. Email me at becky (dot) harks (at) gmail.com and we’ll chat.
***or, if you’d like to work behind the scenes with us at The Band, we’d also love you to do so. Email me. We’ll chatty-chat.