When I first started blogging, I found myself fitting in, not with the other mom bloggers, but with the fringe groups. The infertility bloggers, the baby loss bloggers, the special needs bloggers, those were people I could identify with much more so than the people I was supposed to fit in with. Maybe I hadn’t lost a child, maybe I hadn’t struggled in that very same way, but I had struggled in my own way.

We were the outsiders. The misfits. We had stories that no one wanted to hear about. Elephants sat at our tables, in corners and we were forever on the outside of normal, looking in. It’s the natural progression, I suppose, that I would create a space for us to gather. I’m proud of that. There are many of us outsiders. So many more than I’d thought.

When my daughter was born sick, it was no surprise that it was these people that came to my side with swords to help me slay my dragon, fluffy tissues to wipe the tears, and a barf bucket for when it all came to be too much.

I have an email folder that I’ve carefully saved every email I’ve gotten from that time that someday, I will print out to show my daughter. Most of the emails are from the people like me. Like most of you. The outsiders. The people who have been through hell but know how to make the ride a little…easier.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. Every year, I do a Wall of Remembrance for the people who have picked me up, dusted me off and wiped the barf off my face when I needed it most.

For that, I owe them everything.

According to the Center’s For The Disease Control’s Website, about 1 in every 100-200 births in the United States results in a stillbirth. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 4 million stillbirths occur yearly worldwide. The numbers for neonatal and postnatal deaths run into the tens of thousands.

Those numbers seem large to me, but even after having to take a statistics class to get through nursing school I can’t say that I’m much of a numbers person. My son, he likes numbers, which is why he’ll be off saving the world, one string of code at a time, while Your Aunt Becky sits here, mouth breathing and occasionally wondering aloud, “Is the INTERNET working?”

Numbers aren’t my thing. People are my thing. 1 in 100-200 sounds like a hell of a lot bigger number when you attach faces to those numbers. Faces, stories and names. People. My friends. My nieces, my nephews, their parents. Tables forever missing one. Lives cut short. Unlived.

Still born. Born still.

My friends. Their children.

Shale

Matthew

Charlie

Cora

Thalon

Maddie

Peyton Elizabeth

Hannah

Sarah Kay

Paige

Ashley

Hannah

Baby Morgan

Baby Twin lost at 8 wks

Kiara Jolie

Jellybean

Baby C miscarried at 12 weeks on 1/7/07

Robin

Brian

<3 speck, Peanut, and Bean <3

Mindy’s three angels

Baby Jersey Girl Gets Real

Caleb

Gabriel

Anne & Jed’s babies

Sydney

Athena Rose Moore – 24 weeks Gestation (2nd loss, only one named)

Baby 1 – 9 weeks

Baby B – Twin to my 13yo, 12 weeks

Baby 2 – 9 weeks

Baby JP

Kathlyn

Baby Cherry

Nicholas

Ellis

Tevin, Taylor & Tristen

Elijah Michael

Brenna

Kherrington Faith

Baby H and Baby Boy H

Kalila

Baby J A and Baby J B

Anna

William

Robert Alan

Isabel Grace

Maddy

William Henry

Lilee

James and Jake

Aodin

Selena- lost pregnancy at 9 weeks

Callum

Sarah

Connor

Liam

Samuel

Jacob Lane

Caden

Masyn

Olive Lucy

Seth Milton

Abigail Hlee

JoeJoe Sherman

Baby Nick

Gabriel Anton

Ryan

Jonathan

Devin Alin

Jacob and Joshua

Baby K, Gabriel Connor, Christian Elliot and Andrew

Emmerson

Baby Kuyper

Mara S.

Nathan Michael

Eva and seven additional losses

Timothy, Taea, and Thomas

Kyle S.

John Addison

Raime, Elora & Connor

Ava and Nathaniel

Rose

Micaela, Angelica, and Frankie

Donald Angus

ETW’s seven losses

Becca’s twin siblings

Piper Isabelle

Libby’s Baby

Baby Cline

Addison Hope

Ryne Moyer

Marcus Reeves

Julian Ulysses

Becky

Caleb

Sean Isaac

Clayton and Skylar

Jessica Anne

Paul James

Ashlynn Brooks

David Lee

Babies Boone

David

Olcott-Lueke angels

Baby A and Baby B twin girls

Baby Girl B and Baby Boy A

Becca’s Twin Siblings

Jackson

Kaitlyn Grace

Brennan

Ellery

Robert Daniel

Quinn

Josie Ree Smith

Isabel

Issac

Samuel and Amelia

Draven Fredrick

I’ll add any names to this list so if you’d like me to add a name, please don’t hesitate to email me aunt.becky.sucks@gmail.com or leave me a comment.

I will be cross-posting this to Band Back Together as well. We also have a baby loss, child loss, and miscarriage category over on that site, so any stories you’d like to share over there would be more than welcome. The site has two loss mommas as founders.

At 7 pm tonight, October 15th, A Day To Remember, I will burn a candle in memorium.

Dona nobis pacem.

(give us peace) Lord, give us peace.

Comments

comments

159 thoughts on “Outside Looking In

  1. I only found your blog about a week ago (no idea how it took me so long to find you!) and I am smitten. Thank you for allowing all of us misfits to band together. It means a lot to be acknowledged outside of our little community (infertility and loss).

      1. Like you said Becky, we’re misfits. On the fringe. You don’t talk about it, much. I’m tired of the “be thankful for the 2 you have”, can’t I still miss the 4 I lost?

        Suzanne AKA @MeriLizzie
        (my twitter name is a combo of my daughters names, Elizabeth & Meridian)

        1. I could have written that. When I lost my last 2, I lost COUNT of the number of people who told me to be “Thankful for the 2 I have” including my own MOTHER. I lost 4…that doesn’t go away and I will NEVER forget them. It’s the WORST thing to say to someone in that position. I wish people would learn that.

        2. My mom actually told me once that 13’s twin didn’t count (yes I gave birth to her, they were identical twins and she never reabsorbed. They said it was twin to twin transfusion) cause she was no bigger then a thumb. And she’s anti-abortion? She even told me one of my miscarriages was cause I sinned. And she wonders why I stopped going to church?

          Aunt Becky, not sure why but when posting from my iPhone everything posts twice! Sorry!

        3. My mom actually told me once that 13’s twin didn’t count (yes I gave birth to her, they were identical twins and she never reabsorbed. They said it was twin to twin transfusion) cause she was no bigger then a thumb. And she’s anti-abortion? She even told me one of my miscarriages was cause I sinned. And she wonders why I stopped going to church?

          Aunt Becky, not sure why but when posting from my iPhone everything posts twice! Sorry!

      2. Like you said Becky, we’re misfits. On the fringe. You don’t talk about it, much. I’m tired of the “be thankful for the 2 you have”, can’t I still miss the 4 I lost?

        Suzanne AKA @MeriLizzie
        (my twitter name is a combo of my daughters names, Elizabeth & Meridian)

        1. I wanted to tell you that I knew about Athena Rose BEFORE my Dr’s appointment. How? My grandmother who passed when I was 12 came to me in a dream. She said “I know you want this baby but she is needed here at home. Her name is Athena Rose Moore. Don’t worry! There is another one for you who needs you!” I wrote it all down when I woke up. Still have the tear stained pages!

        2. I wanted to tell you that I knew about Athena Rose BEFORE my Dr’s appointment. How? My grandmother who passed when I was 12 came to me in a dream. She said “I know you want this baby but she is needed here at home. Her name is Athena Rose Moore. Don’t worry! There is another one for you who needs you!” I wrote it all down when I woke up. Still have the tear stained pages!

  2. Thank you for your heartfelt post. I had 2 miscarriages before having my son. It is a crushing feeling. It was others support and stories that helped me the most. I was amazed at how many other women had experienced the same thing and I never knew. Thanks Aunt Becky for creating a forum for mommys to share, laugh and heal!

      1. Sure, that would be nice. We will call them Baby J A and Baby J B. Fortunatly, our Baby C (now a little boy) is busy filling the world more joy than I could have ever imagined! Thanks Aunt B!

  3. I’d like to add Gabriel, the sweet baby boy of my dear friend J. He was born too soon, too small, and God decided He should keep Gabriel for Himself. For that matter, J and her husband K also lost 4 babies before they were born. I am happy to say that they have 2 beautiful, healthy sons running around and driving them crazy right now, but they miss the 5 children they didn’t get to keep.

  4. so many little babies gone. so much heartache for the parents. this breaks my heart. I will be remembering these babies as well tonight when I light my candle for my little Peyton Elizabeth.

  5. I have never had these experiences and for that I thank the Goddess every day. I have been blessed with 3 healthy pregnancies and 3 healthy children. My heart goes out to all that have suffered the lose of a child (born and unborn).
    And to you B….. There is no such thing as “normal”. That word is used instead of average…and I don’t know about you but I am NEVER described as average and I NEVER want to be! Keep cursing and being just plain awesome because there is only one YOU! Normal/ average is boring.

  6. Aunt Becky… I am so glad that you continue to keep this list as a reminder. I do feel obligated to tell you that my fried who lost her son Liam (as listed above) chooses to no longer blog and so that I am not sure that it’s still appropriate that my blog is linked since her son’s story is no longer on my blog. Please do not remove his name maybe just the link.

    Always remember every day,

    Doc

  7. i’m not a mommy, and i actually don’t want to be a mommy. but i think it fucking sucks that all these people who do want to be mommies have to go through shit like this. i’m sorry for all of you *hugs*

    also. normal? what the fuck is normal? i love us the way we are! <3

  8. Although I myself have been blessed never to have lost a child, my sister miscarried and my one of my grandparents’ children was born sleeping. This I didn’t find out until after the birth of my son while talking with my Grandpa. Fifty years later, he still gets choked up and fights back tears while talking about it. It wasn’t until later that I found out that my brother shares their baby’s name. In honor of my sister’s loss and in memory of Robert Alan, and for all my friends and family members that desperately wanted children and were unable to conceive. My heart aches for them.

  9. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks almost exactly a year ago, and another one at five weeks in March. I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant with a baby that I almost can’t believe I’m actually going to get to meet. It’s hard not to get caught up in remembering the darkness of a year ago. Thank you for honoring all the lost babies.

      1. You can say Anne & Jed’s babies, I guess. We never had a nickname for any of our babies and, well, our last name is Slaughter which usually makes for great off-color jokes about a Baby Slaughter, but probably not so much in this context. Thank you and a big old hug to you.

  10. Our son Jacob Lane was born after an uncomplicated pregnancy at 41 weeks. We knew immediately something was wrong and he was transported by helicopter to Children’s Hospital in DC. He was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries and passed away after a little more than 15 hours. He would have been 11 years old on August 11th.

  11. Beautiful post, Aunt Becky. Prayers and hugs to all families who have lost children. I found your blog and Mama Spohr through Matt Logelin, who suffers from a different kind of loss, but a loss still the same. Comfort, strength and prayers for our friends.

  12. Wow, this just made me cry. I only recently started reading your blog so I had no idea how much we have in common. I, like you, have several friends who suffered from infertility and loss and THEY were the ones who helped me through my 4 losses. I have 2 beautiful girls, Linnaea (6) and Alexa (almost 3). In between them, I had 2 losses…one at about 7 weeks and the other at around 12. After Alexa, I had a loss at 15 weeks and in August 2009, I lost my baby girl at 18 weeks. Her name would have been Kiara Jolie. And with the loss of her came the completion of our family though not by choice. No reasons were ever found for my losses…nothing was wrong with me and nothing was wrong with the last 2 babies who were tested…I had even had completely normal 1st trimester/nuchal fold screenings with both. Each and every person you listed is in my thoughts today. Could you please add me to your list as well?

    1. Danae, I’m so sorry

      My little Robin was only “in the oven”for about 10 weeks. My due date would have been St Patricks day, and that made me cry every year for several years wishing I could have met him or her.

      I will be lighting a candle for all of the babies listed…

      1. Thank you so much, Carly. Your reply made me feel a little less lonely in my grief. I’ll be thinking of your Robin tonight at 7 too.

    2. Danae, I’m so sorry

      My little Robin was only “in the oven”for about 10 weeks. My due date would have been St Patricks day, and that made me cry every year for several years wishing I could have met him or her.

      I will be lighting a candle for all of the babies listed…

  13. I lost my Elijah Michael at 16 weeks only 3 weeks ago.
    Yes I already have 3 wonderfully healthy children but this was my first loss and he was my son. He had a soul, a spirit and was a part of our family and changed our lives.

    The pain is raw and the tears come and go but oh how amazing have my friends and family been to me! I have crossed the road to join a club I had always been so terrified of. But come to find out, I can survive this…because this club knows how to take care of each other.

    1. Oh Bethany, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you so much. Please, let me know if we can help. Any of us. There are a lot of us out there that can help. Please, I’m here if you need me.

      I’ll add your son to my list and we’ll remember him.

      Much love.

    1. When you’re ready, we’re here. Like it or not, we’re a motley crew, but the loss moms are pretty awesome. I’m not one of ’em, but I’m around to make a joke about bacon. And lend a shoulder.

      xox

  14. Thank you for posting this. I was unaware that today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day until I saw your blog this morning. Our daughter Ellis was stillborn two years ago last month. We like to remember her every way we can.

    1. I’m beyond sorry for your loss. It sounds so trite and I hate saying it, but it’s true. I’m so sorry. I put your daughter Ellis on my Wall and she’ll be there every year. We’ll remember her. Always.

      xo

  15. I’ve been so blessed to have never lost a child, but when I try to imagine the heartbreak it must cause…well, let’s just say I had to mop my face more than once while reading this.

    To the ones who mentioned people saying you should be thankful for the ones you have…well DUH. I would NEVER say that to anyone! OF COURSE you’re thankful for the ones you have, but that doesn’t mean you don’t mourn the ones you lost! God, some people are such idiots. Well-meaning probably, but idiots.

    Aunt Becky, I want you to know that I read each and every name on this list. They ALL deserve to be remembered.

  16. I took a deep breath and emailed you just now. I don’t talk about it, I don’t write about it. Every once in a while, it takes my breath away and I just sit and rock silently cradling my knees to my chest to try to fill a senseless void that cannot be filled.

    I cried, reading this today.

    These might be the most difficult words I’ve ever written.

    Please add my son, David, to your list. It’s time I spoke his name again.

  17. Although it’s a terrible shame that there have to be any names on this wall, I’m grateful to see Samuel and Amelia’s names there again. Thank you, Aunt Becky.

  18. I lost three angels-one at 8 weeks, one at 5 weeks, and one at 6 weeks. I’m also thinking of my best friend’s son that just passed away June 3 at 2 years, 8 months, and 30 days old. His name is Brian.

    Thank you,
    Mindy

  19. You opened a wound I thought was fully healed, but in a good way. I had a partial molar pregnancy that ended at 13 weeks, on my birthday in 2006. It had taken me 10 months to conceive the one I lost and I couldn’t try again for a year. I never named the baby, never found out the sex, it was too painful then and I wish I had. Every year I think about asking when I go in for my annual and I chicken out. I had never even heard of molar pregnancies, I might write a post because I wish I had something to read when it happended to me. Thank you Aunt Becky for doing this. As always, you’re amazing!

    1. I’m so sorry, Paige. I know all about Molar Pregnancies from school (never heard of them before that) and I’d absolutely add you to my wall if you’d like. Would you like me to?

      Again, I’m so sorry. They’re particularly brutal, I know.

      1. Please don’t be sorry, your website is amazing, what you’re doing is amazing. I guess you can say Baby Morgan, it feels odd not to know the sex and have a name. BUT, I have two wonderful children who make each day magical!

  20. Lost our first at 8 weeks December 10, 2009. We just had a frozen embryo transfer done today of two embryos left over from a failed IVF cycle in August…hoping one of these little guys sticks but never stop thinking about our baby who would be almost three months old now….

    1. I’m just so sorry. My heart hurts. Physically, it hurts. I’ll add yours to the list so we can remember. Much love.

      I’m saying prayers for your embies. We’ll all be praying for them. The power of Pranksters, man. I tell you.

      xox

    1. What a beautiful name. She has a lovely name. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I simply cannot imagine. I’ve added her to my list and we will remember her every year. I’m so very sorry.

      xox

  21. You are so beautiful and brave to share these names and to talk about what people don’t like to talk about. It breaks my heart to think of all the names on this list and their heartbroken families.

  22. I’ve lost 7 – all under 12 weeks. I have a 12 yr old who was born at 28 weeks (2lbs, 5oz.). He is a happy and healthy 7th grader now. We also have a 4 yr old daughter. She was full term thanks to 2 times a day blood thinner injections. They were both Clomid babies. Thank you for the list. While it makes me incredibly sad, I know I’m not alone.

    1. Oh ETW, I had no idea. Wow. I’m so sorry. YOU’RE MAKING ME CRY. I knew your son was a preemie, but I’m so sorry for all of your losses.

      I’ll add you to my list. My heart. It hurts.

      xo

  23. Thank you… so much for incuding my daughter Kherrington on your list. I am so touched an honoured <3 Peace to all those baby lost parents today.

  24. Dude…you made me cry. At work. But it’s kind of an emotional day.

    I’ve waited my whole life (feels like) to have a kid. Now, at 36, I’m finally in a position to try. And I have been, since January.

    My first pregnancy, in May, didn’t even last a week. I immediately distanced myself from it — it wasn’t a “miscarriage,” it was a “chemical pregnancy.” It wasn’t *really* a baby. I wasn’t *really* pregnant.

    But I was. And I allowed myself a whopping 15 minutes to grieve.

    Today, I started to suspect I’m pregnant again. But I’m so afraid to think I am, because of what happened last time. And I won’t know for sure for at least a week — maybe two.

    Waiting is a bitch. Particularly when you’ve waited so long, and all that waiting has culminated in nothing but disappointment. When you’re edging towards 40, have endometriosis, and your mother started going through menopause at 42.

    Everyone tells me to relax. “It’ll happen.” “You’ve not been trying that long.” “Just buy a sports car/skinny jeans/lingerie…it’ll happen.”

    I’ve not slapped anyone yet. They do mean well. But they don’t understand.

    You and the Pranksters do. Thanks for bringing us all together.

    1. I’ve had a couple of chemical pregnancies and they’re hard. Especially when you have nothing else to show for it. I had two back to back ones right before I got pregnant with Mimi and it was a trip. In not a good way. So I get it.

      I’m sorry. I’ll slap them mentally. I grieved my losses but they’re not on my list.

      Would you like me to add yours? I will absolutely do that.

  25. My heart goes out to all of you mamas who didn’t get to keep your little darlings. Horribly unfair of the universe to treat you this way. I hope you all find peace and joy.

  26. Humbled and forever happy that you are a part of my life.
    Thanks Becky, for always remembering and for never being afraid to say so.
    xxoo

  27. Baby C miscarried at 12 weeks on 1/7/07. You were so wanted and will never be forgotten.

    Thanks for posting this Aunt Becky.

  28. Thank you for this post. No matter how much your heart grows with each blessed addition, the holes from the losses never completely go away. I think people who have never lost a child/pregnancy don’t fully understand that. Seeing those names listed above makes my heart break like no other.

  29. I knew I could count on you to get it.

    You completely exceeded my expectations. Why do I have any right to have any? I don’t know and I am sorry that I do.

    Guess that is why I knew I could count on you.

  30. How did I miss this yesterday? The list is longer than last year, and it makes me so fucking sad, not just for myself, but for everyone. I hold you all in my heart.

  31. I…yeah, I’d like that. Makes it feel a little more real, even if it’s an awful real.

    Thank you so much for all you do. I may not comment much, but I read every post you write.

  32. Thanks for doing this. One of the hardest things was knowing the sun was going to keep coming up every morning & life went on. There are horrific things going on elsewhere, worse losses, but MY world stopped. No monument changes that…but it’s all we can do. My little guy’s name is already on the list (Brennan).

  33. James M.

    I didn’t know until my grandfather’s funeral that I would have had an uncle: James. But he was stillborn, and unmentioned until the day his father died.

  34. Made me cry again.

    The world is a better place because you are in it, you know.

    I love seeing my boy’s name up there (even though I blog anonymously now and I’m the only one that knows it’s there 🙂

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