I was standing there in line at The Target (also known as: my social life), daydreaming about rolling around in a pile of Equal when the cashier asked, “Ma’am, can I see your ID?”

I preened, flattered by this request.

“SURE, you can,” I smiled coyly at the kid behind the counter, not stopping to think for a second about it. Still in my fantasy world where Equal rained from the heavens, I hadn’t even begun to process WHY he’d be asking me for identification – I wasn’t writing a check. I didn’t have any booze. I didn’t even have a carton of smokes or anything. Still I smiled as I handed him my driver’s license.

He looked at me, a little aghast as he scanned my driver’s license, “It’s for the Nyquil,” he informed me.

My jaw dropped open as I did my best trout impression.

Robotripping (drinking the shit out of Dextromethorphan) had become popular just as I delivered my first son. I felt psychedelically wasted from lack of sleep – the last thing I wanted to try was to drink a couple bottles of cough syrup. I’d be more likely to vomit before I got high – that shit tastes like Satan’s Bunghole (unlike Equal, which tastes like the nectar of the Gods).

But I had friends who did it. And I was old enough to be all, *eye roll* “that’s lame.” Because it is. If you want to get wasted, you don’t drink 6 bottles of cough syrup – you drink a Bourbon + Vicodin Tonic. EVERYONE knows that.

A few kids later, I heard about sizzurp, thanks to my favorite rapper*, Lil Wayne.

I petitioned the Stop Medication Abuse board to use Lil Wayne’s picture in place of a warning: “possible side effects may include becoming Lil Wayne.” But so far, no luck.

And I will neatly sidebar into this: I have been doing amazingly well on my New Year’s resolution: do not become Lil Wayne. I wake up each morning and am STILL not Lil Wayne. I make the best resolutions ever.

But last night, as I was making out with my bottle of Nyquil because I couldn’t stand being up another night of having “Afternoon Delight” playing on repeat in my head and I saw it: another warning about medication abuse.

So rather than spend the night trying to gouge out my eyeballs with my fingernails to the soothing sounds of Starland Vocal Band, I instead laid awake for three and a half minutes (until the Nyqyil kicked in), trying to figure out how the shit kids could drink Nyquil and not go the fuck to sleep.


*ten minutes later*


*eight hours later*


*twelve hours later*


*sixteen hours later*

“Fuck, my mouth tastes like a squirrel shit in it. That was one hell of a party. What the fuck day is it?”

Although, now that I think on it, throw in some adult diapers and that DOES sound like my kinda party.

*total lie

22 thoughts on “Only YOU Can Prevent Medication Abuse

  1. A) That photo of Lil Wayne is totally disgusting.
    B) How hard is it to sneak into your parent’s liquor cabinet these days?
    Also, I’ve heard of so many fucked up ways for teens to get high, but some are pretty good ideas. Not so much the “soak your tampon in vodka and insert”…but the vodka gummy bears were pretty awesome!

  2. I LOVE Equal. I have been known to steal it from the cheesy restaurants I frequent just so I have something in my purse for when I get a craving for sweet. I used to eat my Mom’s Equal tablets when I was a kid. They were like Tic tacs, only way better.

    If you ever find a pile of Equal big enough to roll around in, PLEASE! Invite me to join you!

  3. Equal gives me migraines, le sigh.

    Nyquil (red flavor, not green, thankyouverymuch) is known in my house as Mommy’s Magical Elixir. When I get a case of The Bad Head/Throat Germs, (typically thanks to exposure to my germ-mongering child and/or a member of her Brownie troop, of which I am the leader) (and yes, it does say SUCKER WHO CANNOT SAY NO across my forehead… did I mention I’m also the class parent? And on a zillion PTSA committees? Le sigh again) I turn to Mommy’s Magical Elixir. One shot of burny red goodness down the hatch and I’m comatose for a solid 12-14 hours, minimum. Then I wake up all hung over but still feeling Much More Human than I had before downing the shot.

    So yeah, I do not get how kids – anyone! – could drink large quantities of Nyquil. What the what?

    Also, do not become Lil Wayne is the best New Year’s Resolution, EVER.

    1. You know, it really depends on the person. For me, Nyquil knocks me right the fuck out for the better part of the day, but for most of the people in my family, it makes their heart race and keeps them up. Maybe that’s the result the kids are getting?

  4. i must be a lightweight, cuz when i “roboated” in college, it only took me one bottle to completely spaz out. and that my friends, was my one and only experimentation with illicit drugs. never needed to do it again, and i thank my lucky stars that i didn’t turn into little wayne. one bad trip is all it takes, you know….

  5. I only eat real sugar – no artificial sweeteners. It is the one healthy thing I do.

    Nyquil is so gross. I’ll drink it when necessary, but I can’t imagine drinking it recreationaly either. Hello long sleep.

  6. Note to self: always read Aunt Becky’s blog at ungodly hours of the night. My natural loopiness from being up late makes everything that much funnier!

    Being a lover of pirates, the skull and crossbones symbol for “poison” just makes me want to drink whatever has that label (because I clearly live in a 1930’s comic book). Lil Wayne would be a much more appropriate “poison” symbol.

    Pirates = Awesome
    Lil Wayne = Instant Death

  7. Yeah I don’t understand the concept of abusing nyquil. Also, whose parents are stocking up on nyquil that the kids have access to multiple bottles of it? And wouldn’t you notice if suddenly your stockpile of nyquil was MIA? Children these days. Whatever happened to snorting pixie sticks?

  8. People! I dont think people are partying on Nyquil. The bad people CAN make meth out of it though. Meth heads ruin it for everyone.

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