Thanks be to the Powers of the Pathology Lab, I got a call bright and bleary this morning from my OB. I’m only Mildly Abnormal. Which, you know, isn’t QUITE true, but fair enough. The bleeding problem is still, apparently, A Big Ass Problem, so I will be following up with her again in 6 weeks.

(note to self: do NOT google “severe bleeding disorders.”*)

Maybe it’s actually lupus? (that may have been funny only to me.)

*too late. ACK!


Aunt Becky: “Here.” (shoves a piece of paper toward The Daver)

The Daver: “What’s this?” (looks down at the paper)

AB: “The number I was promising you.” Looks around as though the air might provide her with the words she’s forgotten. It’s clear from the vapid expression on her face and the drool on the side of her mouth that she’s tired, high or both. “The…um….DOCTOR.”

TD: “Huh?”

AB: “The…UROLOGIST. About your old snip-snip.” (makes cutting gesture with fingers)

TD: “I can’t quite…make out…the…what does this say?” (he squints theatrically)

AB (leans over TD’s shoulder and notes that the numbers are both well formed and completely legible) “The number is….” (rattles off phone number)

TD: “But what is the doctors NAME?” (squints theatrically again)

AB: (exasperated) “I don’t know, Chantell, Chanelle? Does it matter?”

TD: (cryptically) “It matters VERY much…” (walks away)

AB: (sighs) “…guess I should look into that IUD…”


What’s mildly abnormal about YOU today, Internet?

52 thoughts on “Only Mildly Abnormal

  1. I had a cookie before lunch.

    I just bit a toenail.

    I’m waffling between YAY my hair is short and FUCK my hair is short.

  2. As of today, I am placing a moratorium on the reading of any blogs written by mothers of three or more children. This is like the third or fourth “snip snip” post I’ve read in the last few days.

  3. Really? For about three-ish days I’ve failed to take the second dose of my adrenal support pills due to general busyness and eating at inopportune times (supposed to take on an empty tummy) which has added up to a flashback of my formerly insane rage issues combined with an overwhelming need to just curl up and go comatose. Neither of which are terribly conducive to raising kids. When I take that stuff like a good girl, I’m downright perky.

    In other news, I’d really like to go white-water rafting this summer. Nothing crazy, just a beginner thing, but wouldn’t be a kick in the ass?

  4. I just ate at McDonald’s, but I’m craving taco bell. And I hate my job today, but I hate the idea of being at home with my kids more. Pretty much I am an evil bitch today. Okay, most days.

  5. Three MRI’s, three different sets of drugs, and four different doctors – unbelievable pain in my neck that won’t go away with occasional brain splitting migraines – But everyone says there’s nothing wrong with me. Seems like the PAIN should be a big clue, NO? My husband thinks that owning an elliptical will help me. huh???

  6. I’m moving out of my house today. And have to do all the cleaning and returning of junk that goes along with that! My abnormal is I ACTUALLY DON’T MIND IT RIGHT NOW!!!

    WTF is wrong with me?

  7. Funny… my husband was ALL about going and getting snipped… as I told him it was either him getting it done, or me pregnant again… as I was NOT going on the pill again!

    He went the next day. 🙂

  8. I have cleaned my garage to day only to pile all the junk into an even larger pile in the one corner in order to find wine bottles. So I my husband can bottle the wine he started yesterday and the one he’s starting today, and then we don’t look like white trash drinking from the big old jug in the basement.

    It may be slightly abnormal for today but it leaves me eating shortbread and surfing blogs for the reaminder of the afternoon;)


  9. I decided to try seriously dieting to get rid of this baby weight…it lasted until about 10am when I walked by my stove and saw a plate of delicious chocolately brownies on the stove. I ate two and then thought to myself “I shouldn’t have done that, so I skipped lunch to recover”… I never skip meals, I love me some food….

  10. The lupus ref made me laugh! Always the refuge of the medical soap writer with no ideas which made me cross as I actually have lupus – my abnormal thing for the millennium – until House made it funny.

  11. I drank too much coffee (ie one cup, I usually have none) – the caffeine buzz is killing my calm blog reading time… waiting for the caffeine headache to set in… then I’ll be able to read more blogs. yeay!

  12. The Oldest is home from school all week because our district is closed. Four cases of swine flu in two schools is just cause to close 25 schools and send 15,000 kids out into the world.

    They’re debating whether or not to be open next week.

    I’m not ready for Summer to start five weeks early!!!

    (sorry about the bleeding. how reassuring it’s only mildly abnormal.)

  13. Silly Becky. It’s NEVER Lupus!

    I have an additional vertibrae in my back, which makes me have some LOVELY migraines/headaches and makes me sleep with one of those silly looking neck pillows at all times if I want to be able to move in the morning.

    And thank goodness for being married to a massage therapist!

  14. I have a big ass cavity in tooth # 2. I wanted the dentist to pull it, but there’s not enough left for him to grip. And, you know dentists – pull someone’s tooth and they eat that day, drill it and fil it and they eat forever. It was sitting there causing no trouble until Saturday’s cleaning and exam – now it hurts. Perhaps I should stock up on whole cloves…and Vicodin – can you help a sistah out with some of that?

  15. My roommate and I just giggled ourselves silly after watching the Brothers Lionheart on DVD and realizing for the first time that the brothers actually commit suicide in the end. You don’t notice these things when you’re a kid!

    I don’t know if that classifies us as mildly abnormal, but oh well…

  16. Congratulations, I guess on being only mildly abnormal. But be careful with the bleeding; that would scare me.

    I’m probably only as abnormal as usual today. Actually my mind is largely filled with bra thoughts–as in, my daughter is no longer really nursing during the day, so I can at last go get me some really nice, hold-those-suckers-up, non-nursing bras. At the moment, I’m still in the ill-fitting, I-can’t-wait-to-burn-it nursing one. Yes, these are the things that keep me awake… during the day.

  17. My cooter itches. Doctor can’t find a reason for the itching cooter. No yeaster, no vaginitis, no nothing. To stop my complaining and whining about my itching, she gave me a prescription.

    While diapering my twin nephews this weekend, I saw a familiar tube – their prescription diaper rash cream is the same as my cooter cream. Kind of cool and disturbing at the same time.

    In the mean time, my cooter still itches and burns after booty and I’m sick of it and this cream sucks and isn’t working. WAH!

  18. I have an ENORMOUS zit right at the hairline, and because I keep scraping at it with my brush, I’ve decided to forgo brushing my hair until it goes away. SO, I have crazy hair AND an ugly zit.

    And I refuse to go on birth control again, but TH won’t ever consider snipping anything. I’m up shit creek without a paddle…

  19. Well, my husband just totaled his car. Although with the way things are going, that’s pretty normal for us.

  20. I voted for you today, now you have to go to my blog and do a meme. It’s my first. I’m sorry. I’m too new at this to know if I have bad blogging manners.

    I abnormally ate a huge burrito bowl and burped right through afternoon court hearings.

    I got a rental car to tool around in while my super sweet mini-van gets fixed after I drove it into my own gate. Yeah, I’m that cool.

    So come see me at

  21. I went to work late and came home fairly late only to discover that I should have stayed at work longer, everyone here is sleeping…I’m actually wishing I had brought something home from work to do…SCARY abnormal.

  22. **sigh** what’s NOT abnormal about me today??!!
    I’ve had every (and I do mean every!) feline bodily function sprayed on me at one point during the day. My insurance has lapped. And my baby sister is pregnant, unwed, and unemployed. Is that abnormal or just a real shitty Monday?!

  23. I think I broke my finger when I accidentally punched the doorjam yesterday. Then I went and played a concert. Fun times. Eventually it went numb like I was hoping it would. This is when my cracked middle finger on my left hand is finally feeling better. I’m pretty ticked about the right hand because the hurt one is my third finger. How cool would it have been to have two broken middle fingers at the same time?! I’ve been telling everyone that my injured middle finger is a repetitive use injury.

  24. What’s mildly abnormal about me? Hm. What isn’t.

    How about… the fact that I spent the whole day in my pajamas, despite being out in classes and the grille working on a paper. That’s mildly abnormal for me.

  25. Glad to hear you’re only mildly abnormal in the hoo-ha hijinxery dept. Hope they come up with an answer to the bleeding soon!
    My day was so abnormal that I don’t know where to begin. So I think I’ll have a beer and go to bed. That’s normal, right? 🙂

  26. Well my hemoglobin is closer to normal today…coming in at a whopping 8.2. And I got a vitamin B-12 shot so that is closer to normal. Tomorrow I get my Vitamin D shot. Then I will be as normal as can be 🙂

    I so think Daver should take one for the team here. Men are whimps!

  27. I refuse to watch much regular tv, esp. like American Idol because it feels like every other effing tv in America is watching the same thing and that would be too normal. The same goes for Desperate Housewives. That’s the length of my anti-normalcy. When it comes to music or art, i guess i am pretty normal and it hurts to say that. I used to pride my self on being abnormal but the older and more parental (not toooo parental) I get, sadly, normal keeps rearing its ugly head.
    Whaddup on the snip? We loves our snippity snip snip. Saved the marriage.

  28. Although I’ve never heard anyone else say this – I LOVE MY IUD! Eleven years, no problems, nothing. Although occasionally I’ve considered digging it out with my fingers during moments of insanity:)

  29. The fact that I’m going to see a physic reflexologist and am hoping to get some insight as to whether I’ll actually ever have children…


  30. Having weird repeat emotions bubble up. You know, those complicated Mother/daughter emotions that pop up when you see your Mother holding your kid.

  31. One boob is half a cup size bigger than the other. That’s really all I got. 😉 I’ll send you some of my knack for having men around me whose junk is non-functioning. 🙂

  32. Abnormal? I think it would be sorter to list the Normal things about me.

    Let’s see –

    I am day dreaming about what my Roomba is doing right now.
    I have make up stock piled in my office for no reason.
    I can’t wait to get home so I can watch I Love Money 2, even though it fills me with The Shame, as you would say.

  33. I am hoping to make it through one day without being called to pick up Bean from daycare because he is eating the other children.

    My left eye has a weird, swollen, red, itchy patch on the eyelid that’s making me look a little like “Rocky”, only I’m wearing a shirt and I’m not an Italian dude.

    One of our fish has a bacterial infection and I am now giving my fish antibiotics and worrying over the state of their skin.

  34. Paraguard IUD … seriously. You’ll never regret it, and you’ll never have to hear him whine about it. I did make my husband go have his bits squeezed for the consultation before I suggested the IUD… It was worth every red cent of the copay to watch him drop trou and get inspected. hahahahahahaha


  35. I’m being a lazy, stubborn ass and reading blogs instead of doing the nasty transcript that was due today. Wait. That’s totally normal for me. I guess I’m fine.

    I wish IUD’s didn’t scare the crap outta me. I grew up reading major horror stories about those little contraptions. Popping pills is so much easier on my nerves!

  36. I convinced myself I have a thyroid condition because I can’t lose weight, I’m cold all the time and I’m tired. In reality, I’m sedentary, I live in Vermont and I’m lazy.

  37. I was in the hospital the last 3.5 days with a bad case of gastroenteritis/migraines, and actually enjoyed the time off!

  38. I think the question would be better phrased as “what is mildly even normal about me, any day?”

  39. Are congratulations appropriate on “mildly abnormal?” So glad it wasn’t worse! Wish it was better.

    I don’t watch House, so I thought of George Costanza when you mentioned lupus. Not funny for me. I actually was diagnosed with lupus 20 years ago. However, it turned out eventually that I had a related autoimmune illness that’s less aggressive.

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