Aunt Becky: “Lookit my garden! I planted it full of things that sound like venereal diseases!”

The Daver: (laughs)

Aunt Becky: “You’re not going to melt in the sunlight out here, are you? I know you’re allergic to air.”

The Daver: “I’ll dart back inside when I feel I’m getting crispy.”

Aunt Becky (sighs happily): “Isn’t it pretty?”

The Daver: “Yes. But I feel like it needs…something.”

Aunt Becky: (stares at him)

The Daver: “Like an accent or something. It all looks so random.”

Aunt Becky: (stares at him)

The Daver: “You know, an accent.”

Aunt Becky: “Like a clown that pops out with his penis dancing to the YMCA?”

The Daver: “Well, that or a rock or something.”

Aunt Becky: “A ROCK?”

The Daver: “Yeah, or something.”

Aunt Becky: “I’ll get to work on the flamboyant clown.”


(at the greenhouse)

Aunt Becky: “They have accent rocks, Daver.”

The Daver: “Nice.”

Aunt Becky: “But they all say lame shit like, ‘if you weren’t my mother, you’d be my best friend.'”

The Daver: (stares into his iPhone, playing Angry Birds)

Aunt Becky: “I want an accent rock that says, ‘GO THE FUCK AWAY.'”

The Daver: “That’d be classy.”

Aunt Becky: “Or ‘Shut Your Whore Mouth.'”

The Daver: “Even classier.”

Aunt Becky: “Accent rocks are bullshit.”

(time passes)

Aunt Becky: “What about a gigantic cross with a life-sized Jesus on it?”

The Daver: “No.”

Aunt Becky: “You’re bullshit.”

The Daver: (laughs)

Aunt Becky: “I guess you better get to work, hiring the flamboyant penis-dancing clown to live in our front garden, huh?”

The Daver: “Guess so.”

45 thoughts on “Oh, Like The Clown Won’t Scare People *More* Than The Life-sized Jesus On The Cross

  1. I wonder if you can get a customized garden rock at cafe press – because you know you need something that expresses the Aunt Beckiness of your garden. How about a gnome in an innapropriate pose?

  2. I bet you could find a professional penis dancing clown on Craigslist. I’m pretty sure it was designed to market things exactly like that.

  3. Why can’t I have a husband that will interview penis dancing clowns for my garden? The Daver just makes me love AB more. Somebody please post pics of the clown. With his penis dancing.

  4. Dancing penis clowns might get you put on a sex predator/creepy neighbor list, but it’d be worth a laugh. Side note, I have never been too scared of the clowns until I saw an episode of Bones where the killer ran around in a clown mask.

  5. I will not live in your garden, oh no.
    But you may rent me by the hour or for those truly festive occasions.

  6. And by rock, you mean boulder. Right? What’s the point of putting “Shut your whore mouth” on something if it can’t be seen two blocks away?

  7. If it weren’t for the kids I’d totally recommend planting random colored vibrators and such around the perimeter. The buzzing would scare the bejesus out of the rabbits, right!?

  8. My great-aunt and great-uncle have a grotto in their frint yard with a plater of Paris statue of the Blessed Virgin in white against a bright blue background. My parents are devout to smorgasbord (mom is devout, while dad is more smorgasbord) Catholics, but they are so freaked out by this display that they will no longer visit this particular set of relatives at home. We usually meet at mutual relative who live between our house and theirs. I think I should buy these relatives a life-sized cros cross complete with thorn-crowned ad suffering Jesus just to see if they;ll put it up in their grotto.

  9. I apologize for the typos in the previous post. The Klonopin alrady took effect. I’ll post before it hits next time. My mom typed this for me.

  10. I apologize for the typos in the previous post. The Klonopin alrady took effect. I’ll post before it hits next time. My mom typed this for me.

  11. As I read “at the greenhouse,” I totally started singing that line, to the tune of “At the Car Wash” in my head.

    The rest of the post was more difficult to lyricise.

  12. I see how both the clown and Jesus would totally work, but I’m wondering how the penis dances to YMCA. Assuming this isn’t a double-penised clown, will he also be using one hand or maybe his ballsack? Practicalities have to be considered when your garden’s decoration is at stake.

  13. I *totally* want an accent rock that says “Go the Fuck Away!” And I don’t even have a garden. I will just take it with me everywhere I go and set it on the floor next to where I sit and type.

      1. Kind of awesome, right? No matter how intense my desire for male attention gets, it pisses me the fuck off when I am *obviously* writing and trying to work on something that has nothing to do with them.

        Do not hit on me when I am writing a novel. GO. THE FUCK. AWAY.

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