Being a grown-up is bullshit.
1) Replacing the windows in your house brings you to higher orgasmic heights than your last, well, orgasm.
2) You become very interested in the state of the new grass growing in your front yard. So much so that you will use any excuse to make people go and look at it. People. Like the mailman. Or a random jogger.
3) You own a designated Puke Bucket.
6) You refer to the hardware store as the happiest place on earth.
11) Bra-less, your breasts appear to be two oranges in tube socks. This alarms you less than it should.
23) You don’t drink to get sloppy, you drink because you “like the taste.”
47) Between the Teacher’s Institute Days, the celebration of Columbus’s Taint, International Ballpoint Pen Day, and obscurely PC-named weeks off, you’re not entirely sure your child actually attends school. Ever.
106) Once you get the kids to bed, your racy thoughts turn to ugly pajamas and television. When your spouse turns to you with “that look” in his eye, your only real response is a resonating sigh.
235) Tax refunds are no longer spent on a Hot Wing Tour of the US, but used to replace a door. A door, I should add, that while not entirely functional, is not broken.
551) You become irate at those stupid fucking teenagers driving up and down the street at Mach 8. So much so that you have a collection of golf-balls ready to lob at their cars.
1301) Your major selling point when purchasing a new mobile phone is no longer, “What games can it run,” but rather “Does it have a calendar? What about silent setting for meetings, Oh and does it synch with my linked-in?”
3159) Your idea of a “good time” involves reading a book about famous mathematicians.
7741) When you’re out past 9 PM, you’re all, “HOLY SHIT it’s LATE.”
19320) You begin to buy plants based upon the time of year that they bloom rather than, “does the name sound like an STD?”
What are some other signs you’re getting old, Pranksters?
(I’ve been up half the night playing Barf in Buckets, so my brain is a little fried)