I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Pranksters, but since I’ve been blogging since Jesus was my classmate, I’ve noticed that the climate of blogging has changed. My friends have noticed this too. I was at a conference (last year) and they were talking about the Word of Mom advertising being the new It Thing because that’s who people believed now. Like, no one believed The Man, people believed The Mom.

Who the fuck blames them?

Anyway, that, of course, trickled down into blogging and I started to see PR blogs popping up. Then Sponsored Tweets appeared in my timeline (aka: “Come and try Standee’s* burgers!! They’re full of the awesome! #spon) and now pretty much every business has a Facebook page. Facebook, I have to laugh, used to be only open to COLLEGE students, and now I can keep up with what Crest toothpaste is doing (love their whitestrips by the way. No, that’s not sponsored, I just do.).

So last year, the FTC insisted that we bloggers maintain TRANSPARENCY when we talk about products that we were given which made me laugh until I nearly choked, not because it was far-fetched for OTHER people, but because seriously? NO ONE EVER GAVE ME DICK.

But that annoyed me because then suddenly I felt like I couldn’t possibly talk about something that I did happen to like (like my L’Oreal Eye Lifting Cream)(SO not sponsored), for fear of sounding like I was Shilling out to the Man. Which, let’s face it once more, no one ever sends me stuff to review probably because they’re afraid of me.

I’m asked more often than you’d think why I blog and the answer is simple: because I love to. To me, it’s not really about the subscribers or the page views or wacky search terms (although whomever is searching for “david cook nude,” back the fuck off my husband, yo), although I love knowing that my blog, my labor of love, is growing because I put a lot of work into it.

I remain slightly bewildered by this new blogging world order where I am supposed to stick to a strict 400-600 word count (because people TIRE of reading anything longer!) and break it up by SEO search term paragraph headers.

You know what that would look like, Pranksters? It wouldn’t be readable, that’s for sure. It would look like a fucking monkey hammered it out, and while I am certainly not winning a smart people contest unless I sit on the contestants, I take my writing seriously enough to care how it looks and how it reads. If that means Google search crawlers won’t direct people here, I don’t give a shit.

If I am also following the PR guidelines, I should take out all terms like this (and feel free to add more in the comments):

*fuckwad

*assbag

*venereal disease

*scrote

*fuckbag

*chesticle

*sweater kitten

*banana hammock

*funbags

*breasticles

Because while I would love for my smiling face to end up on national television–without having committed a mass murder–I also would like to keep my integrity about myself. I’d rather remain true to myself and my blog and my band of Merry Pranksters.

I read most of your blogs and I know that all of you blog with the same sense of integrity about what you do and that is why you’ll succeed. People can spot a phony a mile away which is why the Word of Mom advertising is going to fail as The Word of The Man advertising did.

So the climate of blogging may have changed, but I have faith that those of us who blog as we are and blog because we must, those of us will continue to do as we’ve always done. I have faith that this will be what sets us apart.

Maybe we can all get a big blogging house and live together like Three’s Company. Except it’ll be like, “7,000’s Company.” I’ll be the dude. Heh. Then I can finally pee standing up. SPEAKING OF THAT. I have to get The Daver to put the final touches on the community site and do a dramatical unveil.

P.S. The community site will be Full of The Awesome because you can ALL POST THERE. Like your own blog posts.

P.P.S. Can I please be the dude?

P.P.P.S. What do you think about blogging, Pranksters? Hit me up in the comments, yo.

*that’s for you, Pashmina.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

195 Responses to Novus Ordo Seclorum

  • V says:

    Errant bullshit.

    They need to start by stopping calling it blogging if they want censorship.

  • LOVE this post, and agree 100% – I actually sometimes want to put out a statement on my blog informing people that I actually love Cheez-Its and groundhogs, and my love is not supported by a company or underground groundhog movement.

    Hahaha – underground groundhog movement. What was I talking about again?

  • Natalie says:

    Personally, I like “titties”.

  • amber says:

    The FTC can suck it. Personally, if people started paying me for my blogging it would take all the damn fun out of it. Because that’s why I do it…to write however and whatever the heck I want to. And because people write back, leaving me funny ass comments that make me smile even when I’m dreaming of making the people around me explode (like today, for instance).

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That’s just it. You take the community out of it when you make it into something it’s not. I don’t want to see your commercial, I want to see YOU. If I want commercials, I’ll turn on the television.

  • Amy Mayfield says:

    I sort of think if I tried to follow any pr guidelines I would have to stop blogging. I don’t know how to to behave or be tactful and the one time I tried to be politically correct, my friends cried and snorted stuff out their nose because my attempt at PC? Actually, WAY more offensive than if I had just said whatever the offensive term was to begin with.
    *sigh* no one gives me shit, probably because I regularly use words like asshat and no company wants that in reference to their product. What asshats.
    (Although Spanx should as I rave about their products and the one where I discuss figuring out my spanx were crotchless is one of my most popular posts EVER)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’d be willing to bet that the Word of Mom will become less PC as people stop trusting the really PR heavy blogs. Because as the comment section here goes to show, PEOPLE DON’T BUY INTO IT.

  • Amy Mayfield says:

    And clearly I have no idea on how to be less wordy.

  • Alice Brody says:

    My husband informed me that I won’t be making any money off of blogging. The fact that he doesn’t understand that is SO not why I do it tells me a LOT. My blog is effed up and full of issues and really not pro in the least but I care not because it’s 100% for me. Anyone who wants to criticize it can just not fucking read it. It’s mainly just my journal. All the “good” Moms apparently write every little fucking thing down the second it happens with all their kids. I’m not able to do that. But for some reason when I sit down at nap time to throw up a new blog post is comes pouring out. I refuse to take it seriously because like Amber said above, that would take all the fun out of it. The day that happens will be one shitfucker of a day, to be true.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You can’t take yourself too fucking seriously because you’d give yourself a hernia. Or something. Anyway, you’re doing it for fun and because you like it, not because you want to be The Next Big Thing. At least, that’s why I do it.

  • Sasha says:

    “…supposed to stick to a strict 400-600 word count (because people TIRE of reading anything longer!) and break it up by SEO search term paragraph headers.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Are you *kidding* me? That is the lamest thing I have EVER heard.

    But then, blogging is that thing I do to get my writing fix now that the babies have eaten my ability to wrote even *bad* fiction. I don’t actually care if anyone *reads* me, I just have to write.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Yeah, can you imagine a personal blog written like that? It would be so choppy and hard to read.

      And, like you, I write because I love to write. Really, that’s it. Oh, and the fame and fortune. CLEARLY.

      *snickers*

  • Shin Ae says:

    What do I think about blogging? I like it. I like your blog. I like some other people’s blogs, too. I hate issues, though. I shut down when I hear about such things, so I would never even have registered this here business you’re bringing up if it hadn’t been *you* (or a few of the other people I like) mentioning it. I mean, I guess if people are responding to that sort of advertising, companies will continue to do it. Although people whose blogs are used for that purpose should only be expected to be seen in the same way commercials on TV are…some are amusing and we watch them once or twice, mostly we get up and get a drink while they’re on, and if they’re offering something for free we’ll call the number if we want it. That’s not really a blog, though, if you’re doing that sort of thing.

  • Amanda says:

    you forgot douche-canoe and douche-cracker…i like those

    i want free shit…how do i jump on this bandwagon?

  • avasmommy says:

    I don’t blog for free shit, I don’t want to blog for free shit. I don’t run ads, or do giveaways or any of that crap.

    I even wrote a post about it a while back. I write mainly for myself. It’s awesome when someone reads it and comes away with something. I love comments and emails. I love hearing that someone feels less alone as a result of something I write.

    I keep saying it, if you’re blogging for any reason other than to make yourself happy? You’re in for some bitter disappointment.

    And dude…if you stop using all those words you listed, what the hell is even left? :)

  • Sabreena says:

    First, you can so be the dude. I want to be Crissy because let’s face it how great would it be to be an airhead and be accountable for almost nothing?

    Second, I agree about blogging. I got into it to write and connect with others. I have blogged about items or stores I love but am not sponsored by because I love that item or store and want to share it. I worried at the time about getting into some kind of trouble because of all of the crap coming out of the back end of sponsored blogging but placed a link to the website hoping that covered my ass (what do I know?). I have found myself reading less of the sponsored blogs and sticking closer to those bloggers who still write. I like the blogs that balance the 2 with writing and item reviews mixed. I think the regulators will come in and make sponsored blogging a lot harder because that’s what regulations do. More power to those who are able to use their sites to get things and make dough but I am just not there. I have been approached and was tempted but decided against it when I realized everything I had to do just to post about something I wasn’t really that into (i.e. disclosure, text links, actually visit site I was to review). I guess we’ll see where this all goes. I do agree that if you want an honest and believable review you should go the route of a mom because let’s face it, we use a lot of shit and we know when said shit is actually, well, shitty.

    P.S. I appreciate that though you’re popular you haven’t started reviewing things on your blog. I enjoy the writing you provide and would hate if Mommy Wants Vodka became Mommy Wants Stuff. Keep writing because you rock the written word yo.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Maybe people would offer you free stuff if you spent less time hammering monkeys.

    I do reviews occasionally (I used to review a lot more, but I’ve chosen to slow down… actually I had decided to stop, and then I got offered something I actually wanted, and have since changed my position back to “once in a while”). I keep it separate from my blog, and only mention it at the end of my posts once (sometimes more than once, like if I’m giving something away that I want a reader to get instead of one of those people who only enter online contests all the time).

  • Tanya says:

    Good words! Some I’ve heard and use and some you’ve taught me! I think you’re a nice auntie becky!

  • Tanya says:

    You are a nice Aunt Becky with wise words and wise phrases condensed! Enjoyed this read for sure!

  • Anna says:

    I’m curious if you just want to be the dude, or if you want to be The Dude and change your name to Lebowski?

    I stumbled on a blog a few months back that I loved – refreshingly honest – but now its nothing more than “I love my new butthole scrubber and you can win one since I am reviewing it!” Um, no thanks. I mean, we all need a good scrubbin’ now and then but.. just.. no. Needless to say, she’s been put “On Notice” and will be deleted from la Blogga Rolla if she doesn’t knock it off.

    I love that you have integrity.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I will be The Dude, I think. And if I found someone advertising a butthole scrubber, I’d laugh until I peed and then I’d delete them from my reader. People who mix it up are okay, anything else, not so much.

  • No one ever gave me anything either. I link, often, to things I like or think are funny or places I stayed or whatever. It sort of ticks me off to feel now like I always have to say ” . . . but they didn’t give me anything.” Maybe I should make a statement in my header about how No One Gave Me Fuck.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Yeah, I hate having to say that too. It cheapens it to have to put the disclaimer up. Really, as someone farther down pointed out, why don’t magazines have to say that they were given free product in turn for free advertising? It’s the same thing.

  • Kori says:

    Douchebag. Not you, but that is a word I love to hate. Not that it is a new word by any means, but still a good one. Hoebag, which I use frequently myself, along with fuckety (as in blah fuckety blah). I am full of the awesome too, right?

    I have never been given dick on my blog either, but I would TOTALLY love it if Someone Important would provide me a new Chevy Suburban to test out so I can take my family on vacation, and it would be really nice if some chain grocery store would also provide me with a gift card for food to buy to make while on vacaation and Old Navy (or somewhere like it) could also provide us with clothes for the fam (including maternity) to wear while ON vacation, and I would be more than happy to blog blog blog about ALL of them in exchange. But sadly, I have like 10 regualr readers and none of them are, you know, my IN to blogging noteriety so. I blog because I love to.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Douchebag should have BEEN on my list! Clearly, I was not myself when I wrote that out or I would have been singing that from the rooftops.

      I’d take a car! Or a vacation! Or…something cool! But not conditioner or a packet of Rice-a-Roni. Because, really, wow. Not so much.

  • pattypunker says:

    please never stop using “holy fuck balls” or “licking the devil’s butthole” or “crotch parasites.” it’s integrity like this that makes me love you.

    i don’t ever have to worry about any brand ever sponsoring me. i suck donkey balls. but if nicorette wants to send me free product, bring it.

    where do i leave my deposit for the communal house?

  • Maria says:

    You probably have seen mine. I started blogging about switching to cloth diapers to give myself something to do, for me. I just wrote about stuff I bought. Well, it’s gotten nutty and people are giving me stuffz now, to review and give away.

    It’s a fine line I guess. I have seen blog posts that are nothing but a copy and paste ad for something. Sometimes they disclose that they were paid, sometimes not. That’s crap. People are going crazy for free stuff.

    I won’t do stuff that doesn’t feel right to me and I won’t lie or any crap like that.

    I thought of you when I wrote a review for soap nuts. I kept giggling and making jokes about “my nuts” but alas, I try to keep my blog P.G. LOL

    Oh and I want to ask you if there is a way to hide people in twitter? I don’t have the balls to “un-follow” people but my feed is filled with giveaway stuff and I acn hardle finf my Aunt B in there.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      It’s all about what you feel comfortable doing. I will do give-aways because I do like to give you guys stuff. That’s really why. It’s not because it gives me ANYTHING in return because normally, I pay for it out of my own bank account.

  • TeacherMommy says:

    I write because the universe circles around Me, obviously. I simply want to share Teh Awesum with others, because I’m, well, Teh Awesum that way.

  • Maria says:

    Ooh the typos. Nursing a babe and typing 1 handed, sorry.

  • Titanium says:

    I refuse all advertising except for when I’m gushing about something I totally love, because, damn. If I got paid to write, then writing would be a job. And I already have a sucktastic job. I don’t need two.

    Yeah. I’m outta breath, now.

    What you said.

  • Barbara says:

    Obviously your blog is doing well, so all those seo and advertising people can suck it! Don’t ever change

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahaha! What the SEO people don’t realize is that SEO works well for people SELLING something. Not personal blogs. Honestly, word of mouth is the best recommendation you can get. And to get that, you need to have something worthwhile to put out there. That’s really the secret.

  • Barbara says:

    Obviously your blog is doing well, so all those seo and advertising people can suck it! Don’t ever change

  • No one ever sends me shit either. As much as I beg. I know…I’ll send you some shit – and then you can send me some shit. It’ll make us feel better, don’t you think. We can review each others shit….?

  • Andrea says:

    fuckbag! yes!

    I blog because it’s cathartic. I unload and I make myself laugh (and hopefully some others laugh) and I feel better. I blog because I love to write. And I love to write about whatever the fuck I want to write about. Because it’s my blog and I make the rules.

    *MUAH*

    • MamaTech says:

      I totally agree – no one ever reads mine because I don’t write for other people – I write to get it out of my system so I can breathe.

      And I will totally write WAR AND PEACE in one post if I want. Thanks muchly.

      • I had a lady blogger read my blog one day and left me a comment on a post saying “she wasn’t meaning to be rude, just constructive criticism” that I should make my blog posts alot shorter. That most ppl read an assload of blogs every day and nobody wants to read a long post. I didn’t shorten my posts. If she doesn’t like my blog, she doesn’t have to read it. I didn’t ask her to. Fucktwat.

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          I’ve had a handful of people tell me that my posts were too long, too. Like, um, okay. I’ll fix it for you. Let me bend over backwards for you. ASS.

  • Jane says:

    well fuck. i started a review blog because i thought people wanted my honest opinion about their shitty products. i’m nothing if not helpful.

  • Jane says:

    p.s. I love that you said “phony.” that’s straight out of an ’80s brat pack movie.

  • MommaKiss says:

    I’ve never ever received anything free. Including the current gift certificate I’m giving away. I just want to pay it forward and be nice. It’s my own money. I asked the business owner if it would be OK. I’m doing it cuz I wanna. And I bet half of the people commenting to enter never come back to Momma Kiss and I’m OK with that. Karma doesn’t keep track.

    Please add moose knuckle and whale tale to your list, thank you.

  • Katherine says:

    If you’d like to pee standing up try a Go girl. http://www.go-girl.com/
    (not sponsored. I don’t even own one, it was recommended to my by my doctor because of a bladder condition I have. And seconded by a friend who camps/hikes and travels to 3rd world countries a lot.)

  • Ms. Moon says:

    The only guidelines I follow are my own.

  • Fran says:

    DO NOT change your blog!! It is the best one out there. From time to time I will write a post about stuff I like to use around my house, but it’s just random stuff. I don’t really like review blogs because they seem so contrived. “Here, we are giving you this free thing and we want you to tell everyone how much you loooooooooooove it.” Whatever. What if I hate it?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’ve never really been given anything to review, but if I did, I’d like to think that I’d be honest about it. And I’ll TOTALLY pimp out stuff that I love. Anything, really.

  • Minnie says:

    Preach on!

  • J.R. Reed says:

    No one sends me shit to review either, so don’t feel like you’re alone. Of course, being lumped in the same category as me isn’t necessarily something to brighten your day.

    Here are a couple more words to add to the list:

    cum-eating slut
    Analrapist (from Arrested Development)
    jizzmopper
    bone smoker
    Fuck Stick (which I believe is a proper noun)

  • Dawn says:

    The only thing anyone ever gives me on my blog is grief. Heh. The FTC knows where it can put its guidelines.

    Has anyone on their staff READ an actual blog? The whole point is that they’re individualistic and quirky. THAT’S THE ATTRACTION, FTC.

    Also, I’m Canadian, so the FTC has no relevance to my blog, which is, after all, MY BLOG. MY BLOG MY BLOG MY BLOG. And I shall blog whatever I bloody well please,eh?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahaha! That’s sort of what I thought when I heard it was the FT motherfucking C. I mean, The Daver works with them a lot (NOT ABOUT BLOGGING) and I was like, REALLY, they have THAT much time to waste on BLOGGERS?

      Lame.

  • Anne says:

    I love blogging. I love it more and more the more and more I do it. And I love doing it. Blogging, that is :-) I do not love sites that try to sell me shit. I want conversations not coupons! And you forgot “boner”.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Boner rules. Except that guy on that show in the 80’s. He didn’t really rule, except that his name was Boner.

      Oh shit, he just died. Now I’m an asshole.

      FUCK.

  • Do I even want to Google ‘sweater kitten’? The rest I know but not that one.

    I did get given something once!! I felt so special!! I got a coupon for a free box of the Kellogg’s cereal of my choice so I could then blog about how my family just loves us some cereal. Which we totally do! And I blog about it anyway! So it was like FREE CEREAL! And was awesome!

    But apparently I sucked at it because no one has ever given me a damn thing since & I really think the makers of that evil dip I loved so much ought to have comped me a carton, especially after my local Wal Mart stopped carrying it

  • Denise says:

    All I want to say is don’t ever change for anyone. I love, love, ,love your blog the way it is; and am so glad I stumbled across it.

  • Shitballs/fuckballs. They are interchangeable. Thank GOD.

  • Mary says:

    Does being the Dude allow you to go everywhere in your bathrobe? You know you want to.

    I have been getting lazy with my blog. I need an incentive. Holy shit! I can get free stuff! Wow! And I just thought a blog was for when you wanted to express something meaningful.

    I just had a Healthy Choice Pumpkin Squash Ravioli for lunch…..

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I would SO go everywhere in my bathrobe, although I think The Daver would fight me to be The Dude. And wait, isn’t selling out to The Man meaningful?

  • Nancy C says:

    Motherfucker is timeless and beautiful.

    I don’t read giveaway posts/blogs ever. I also mute commercials.

    That’s just me. I’m too poor to hear about shit I can’t afford. Why torture myself?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I mute commercials, too. I do giveaways sporadically, but never really with a “this is a sponsored post” alongside it. Mostly because that’s not how I roll.

  • Laura says:

    A lot of companies send me emails wanting to give me stuff to giveaway and I don’t even reply back to them. I don’t want stuff. I want someone to say, “Hey, here’s a couple grand to keep writing what you write.”

    I started out writing very lengthy stuff, but did end up shortening it because I realized that people don’t have that kind of time, but now I see that whether it is long or short, people do read it.

    Unless they skim – OH how I hate the skimmers! It toally shows in the comments because their comment does not make sense!

    And I can’t wait to see your community site – I am sure it will be cool such as this site is!!

    I had an idea (not a community site) and am moving forward with that to do something “Unique” with my blog. We shall see…

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Skimmers can blow me. Especially the ones that are, “OH YOUR MOM IS DEAD? HOW SAD.” and then I have to be all, um, no, actually she’s fine. I said, “My mom’s breath is bad.”

  • You forgot “meat curtains!”

    Only without the quotes. Because I am badass but not quite THAT badass. I said that with a pinky finger extended, by the way.

    Rock on, Aunt Becky!

  • Kyddryn says:

    I blog because I feel compelled to write, and since no one’s keen on publishing my drivel the Blue Nowhere gets it. I blog as a way to connect with people, because I don’t like leaving my home if I don’t have to. I blog for fun. I blog for many reasons, each as valid as the last. I have advertising on the sidebar, but no one’s ever sent me anything to review…small fish in a big pond, I guess. I don’t censor myself – if people don’t like what I write, they don’t have to read it. I don’t ask anyone else to censor themselves, either…I believe that one should be one’s self, always.

    If Blogopolis has changed a bit, well, that’s to be expected. There will always be someone trying to turn a buck, not much caring how they go about it. I don’t read blogs that seem contrived. If I wanted all that crap I could watch one of the millions of shopping networks on TV.

    And now I need to go be myself cleaning house…bleh…why doesn’t anyone pay me for THAT??

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • Kate says:

    Don’t forget “crotch parasites”. That phrase is so full of the Awesome & makes me laugh every time I read it, but I’m pretty certain it’s not P.C. Nothing that is truly hilarious ever is! ;)

  • Jen says:

    I followed a link to here from Twitter and I am very glad that I did.

    I blog for the sake of writing. I like that people read what I have to write so I work on my writing. I want people to come to my site because they enjoy it and it makes them smile not b/c I have some giveaway going on.

    I don’t like this change in blogging but I will ride it out and keep doing what I do, write.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      The giveaway sites may have a lot going for them, but they lack heart. There’s only one that I read, and she’s my friend. Blue Violet, she’s in here somewhere, and I love her. The rest can bite me.

  • Sarcastically Yours says:

    Moose Kuckles

  • Alexandra says:

    I don’t know how much longer I can keep asking you.

    Leave dave, marry me.

    I’m not going to keep asking forever, you know…

    nah, that’s a lie, I will…

  • i want to pee standing up… and i want blogging to go backwards please. can you magically wave your aunt becky wand to make that happen? kthx.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Headers before paragraphs? Seriously? Like we’re writing an effing term paper for Professor Quacknuts and have to follow the Chicago Style Manual? Even when I was a copy editor I didn’t want to open that thing. {shudders}

  • I know you are full of smarticles when you are quoting Latin shit in your title. I graduated college with 2 degrees and I don’t know anything in Latin except E Pluribus Unim and Capre Diem. And not sure those are actually latin. Who really gives a fat uckFa. Yeah I quoted in pig latin because I am full of smarticles too. I am bi-lingual in Engliah and pig latin. I can tella mother fucker off in pig latin and not even lose followers for saying fuck, or uckFa for you worldy folks.
    I am relatively new to blogging myself. I only posted 15 times lastyear, but have already posted 11 times just this month. So I have been posting alot more. It’s fun for me. Every time I post someone tells me it made them laugh and that makes me feel good.
    I have seen alot copy catting going on for ppl trying to be liek YOU. I have seen 2 blogs just THIS WEEK say “shut your whore mouth” in thier blog. Now I am not a fucking brain surgeon but everyone who has followed you for more than 5 fucking minutes know YOU say “shut your whore mouth when Glee is on” “shut your whore mouth when House is on”. Ppl need to really come up with their own saying. I joked that I tell my kids to shut their whore mouth and go to fucking bed. But I may be kidding. I also punch them in the face every day and dope them up with benedryl to get them to go to sleep. I also may be kidding again. If I told you I would have to kill you.
    But, to keep this long ass comment from going on much further, cause I know you will be reading it saying GOD DAMN get to the part where you shut the fuck up…so here goes…Love your blog. I wanna be like you when I grow up. (Even though I am old enough to be your mom I’m sure) You make me laugh every time I read you and that’s a big accomplishment. I don’t LOL at too much. I’m a humor snob. My sense of humor is buried deep. Most funny things get a small smile out of me. I usually actually make a noise and laugh when I read you, and it frightens my kids to hear that noise. They don’t hear it often and think this may the THAT day that mom has really LOST IT like she keeps telling us is going to happen. BAIBAI

  • Libby says:

    Blogging is like disco. After all the lightweights who are just in it to meet the Bee Gees and look cool are gone, those of us who have blooged, and will blog, on days where only our Moms read it will go on.

    Semper Blog.

  • April says:

    I finally STARTED blogging because I needed an outlet for all the crap rolling around in my head – the conversation around my house is pretty sparse during the day when it’s just me and all the munchkins and when I write shit down it’s like having the best conversation EVER because it’s with myself and then I’m always right. I don’t need a bunch of people telling me HOW to write it – if I wanted that I’d go back to college.

    P.S. I don’t know what I’d do without the word “breasticles”. I use it at least once a day. Maybe more if I can say it around someone that I know it annoys. :)

  • Kelly says:

    I started reading blogs originally when we were in our adoption process. Reading some of the adoption/foster care bloggers when we were in the middle of our process really helped me a lot. Then I found Aunt Becky, and a few others, and I started laughing and crying at work a lot.

  • Lola says:

    Guidelines? Seriously? I’ll have to take those under advisement just in case I decide to blog again. I could probably come up with a post or two containing 400 swears or less. That might get me some interesting offers I’d be willing to consider.

  • I received an e-mail yesterday (I’m assuming someone linked to a Canada blog roll I added myself to) titled “Unique Opportunity” asking if I would like to either review some of the products or help with a give-a-way. WHO ME!? The products are from on-line stores for cookware, lighting, racks & stands, and childrens furniture. ROFL …. I highly doubt that “they” were doing anything more than spamming me because my blog says “coffee table”. If they read yesterday’s blog and saw the picture I drew of my crotch or heard me drop the C bomb, I’m sure they’d not only pass, but they also might remove me from their Canada blog roll.

    (Now, if someone came to me with a “unique opportunity” of reviewing items from a new sex toy store, I’d be all over that – over & over & over again!)

    However, I’d be interested to see what “they” would say or do after reading their review on a delightfully pretty daybed right below a blog about how many times I had sex the week prior or how many shooters it took before I passed out before a soccer game.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I just got an email thanking me for being such an awesome CANADIAN blogger and asking me to participate in some CANADIAN blogger survey. Like, um, I’m not CANADIAN. Assbags.

  • thenextmartha says:

    You forgot “flappy vagina” in your terms list.

  • Melissa says:

    Please keep it real here! Your blog is so REAL, and your pranksters are so not synchophants.

    For example, when you post about your cooking, you dont get 1000 replies of “well I know whats for dinner tonight!!”

    You get replies of wondering why you didnt get punched in the vagina. So real lol. That’s why I love you!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I have–genuinely–THE BEST people on the internet. I don’t know how, but my Pranksters are fucking awesome and however they got here is fucking fine by me.

  • Rebecca says:

    I really love blogging, but I also love free stuff so when someone asks me to do a shout out for something that I would normally use anyway and asks me to tell my friends about that certain something, then I will take the time to make a blog post about that something. I’m a blog-ho, I guess. And I would say that I’m pretty cheap.

    With that being said, I have to mention that I am a member of BzzAgent.com. They recently sent me Children’s Claritin. We have a cat and the pollen is bad and my kids are drippy. They pretty much think that the Claritin that I give them in the morning to help dry up their noses is candy. They eat it and their noses are drier and we’re all happy because I don’t have the kids wanting me to hold them just so they can wipe boogers in my hair.

    Which makes me wonder, WHY on earth do kids prefer to wipe their noses on my HAIR instead of a tissue?

  • Mary says:

    Damn skippy (no, that’s not a plug for the peanut butter). Also, the community site DOES sound Full of the Awesome. Give it to us naow.

  • Jill says:

    I friggin’ love your blog – you’re real, funny, compassionate and just all around great. If you started sponsoring shit – I would buy it… What could you sponsor though? You should come up with a list of companies that would pay you to schill their wares…

    Here’s to keeping it real Aunt Becky!

  • Amber says:

    Huh, there are rules?!

    I definately don’t follow any blogging rules. I’ve been known to curse and talk about penises. That would probably be frowned upon, I imagine.

  • Cocknozzle and cum-sponge

    people get free shit for writing on the internets?? the hell??? where’s my free shit???!!!!

  • Clair says:

    You’re so refreshingly amazing.

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  • MommyLisa says:

    I started blogging because I like to write…I think its fun I have a bigger follow, but meh. No one is knocking down my doors to pay me either…

    And not sure I want them too.

    *cockbite.
    *jizm jar

  • a says:

    There are just too few opportunities during the day to use the word scrote.

    No one offers me free stuff, but I guess if I keep complaining about stuff that I encounter, I’m sure they’ll find me eventually. I have gotten a couple offers for computer registry scan programs. I’m fairly certain those are viruses though… Oh well, that’s why I have a spam filter in my email account!

  • kalakly says:

    I want to be able to pee while driving (and not wet myself, to be clear). I hate having to stop for potty breaks.

    The only free stuff I got from my blog was from my other blog friends and it all rocked the house. I’d plug for them any day of the week, but Gawd help the mother effer who wants me to pitch their wares on my space. Besides, with the dwindling readers only a total dim wit would even ask….

    Rock on Becky, we don’t need no more stinkin commercials. We’re chock full as it is:)
    xxoo

  • GingerB says:

    Um, I like sitting down to pee, just sayin’. But I love you, yo.

  • Coco says:

    Don’t forget Scrote Tote, weenis, and joystick of love.

    I fail miserably at the word count guidelines. I never met a lengthy anecdote I didn’t like. People seem to enjoy my waffling, though. Go figure. Personally, I’d be a little let down if I were to I stop in to one of my fave haunts and read “Sooo busy. BBL. Lv comments at door pls. Thx bai.”

    Also, what the fucking fuck is an SEO search term?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahaha! Scrote tote! Bwahahahahahahahaha!

      SEO search term is to “optimize search terms” so that Google will pull up YOUR SITE FIRST whenever someone searches for a certain term. Like, for example, go to Google and type in “Mommy Wants.”

      BOO-YAH.

      Because it’s fucking TRUE.

  • linlah says:

    I don’t get any of what makes a blog an it blog and I don’t care. But crotch parasites and shut your whore mouth should be on your list.

  • Peggy says:

    I just looked up “breasticles”. That’s an awesome word.

    Some use our business as an excuse to write a blog. (I would love to just blog, but I would desperately like to pay my rent.) If I mention my own product, should I put a disclaimer in there too? I’m pretty sure insulting my reader’s intelligence is not the way to go…

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I wonder about that, too. Like, can I just say, “I love Burt’s Bees?” or do I have to say, “I love Burt’s Bees BUT NO ONE PAID ME TO SAY THAT.” Because that’s awkward.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    You can’t forget

    fucktard
    ass clown
    ass bag
    boobage
    fucknuttery

    And, I will NEVER, EVER write that way…with paragraphs headers and shit.

  • carissajaded says:

    Yes Yes yes yes yessss!!! Thank you so much for writing this, I couldn’t agree more. I actually had a conversation about this today, why I don’t try to get some advertising.. bah blah blah. I don’t care. I don’t care if my posts don’t even make sense to anyone but me.

    And you need to add cunt nugget to your list.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m okay with advertising providing it doesn’t actually interfere with the reading of the content, but once it does, then I get oogly. Cunt nugget, AWESOME.

  • Catherine says:

    Being sort of new to blogging, I still don’t get the whole review and give away mishmash. In my 4 month blogging career, I have never once felt the need to write about a product for any other reason than it was part of my story that day. Who cares if I like bubble yum! I love your writing, its real and I never feel like you are secretly trying to sell me something. Those other types of blogs are puppet shows if you ask me.

  • I blog because some company discovered my site and now they send me cases of bacon-in-a-can TWICE a month. My kids have put on 78 pounds each but who the fuck can resist free bacon?

  • Intrepid Eddie says:

    Do people really write their blogs to maximize SEO and whore themselves out doing what marketing firms get paid REAL money to do? Fuck… no wonder so many blogs seem to be going to shit. I’ve stopped reading quite a few blogs because of this — good to see you’re not going to be one of them.

    (This comment brought to you by Super Fuckwad Venereal Disease Cream. ZOMG!!! This stuff is awesome! I haven’t pissed fire in days!)

  • carissajaded says:

    hahaha I’m so tired, I just noticed I put my website as http://www.carissajaded@gmail.com. That really isn’t that funny, but figured Id share anyway!

  • Jayme says:

    I’m such a bad liar- and if something sucks, I am going to bitch about it. I probably should wait until I have all my sponsors for the giveaways I’m planning in June confirmed before I say shit like this though.

  • I actually started blogging around the same time the FTC ruling came out, so I don’t the difference. As far as I knew, everyone was in it for the money and swag. I didn’t start blogging for those reasons. I don’t get paid and I rarely get swag. I like to keep it that way because I don’t particularly enjoy that aspect of blogging.

    By the way, what is a sweater kitten?!?

    -Aimee

  • Sack
    Pork sword (if you haven’t used it, you should)
    Mushroom print
    Dick print
    Butt Sex

    It would be a sad day in blogland if your lexicon were limited.

  • Miranda says:

    Asswipe. I think Asswipe should be on your no no list. For sure. Yes. Asswipe.

  • Sharon says:

    You are, of course, the dude. But since nobody else asked (I read ALL the comments just to be sure), can I be Larry? Because he was the only one getting laid on a regular basis.

  • I agree totally although my gripe lately is everyone doing sweepstakes and giveaways, or product reviews. Like that is NOT what blogging is, I just don’t get it.

    A giveaway here and there is cool although I think some people are cheesy because they are seem to just comment when they want free shit. Really, does it really mater to win something. It’s weird to me.

    Love your thoughts here.

    Sadie at heyMamas

  • Vinomom says:

    I really can’t stand reading blogs that are so obviously writing to get hits and pop up in search engines. I like the Little People for the most part. You are the biggest blog I read. But what you write is interesting, because, as I saw you getting more popular, I was prone to commenting less. Something along the lines of – if she gets 90 comments on every post what the fuck does she care about what I have to say?

    But you still come and read my blog (password protected at the moment I’ll email you the password) and leave funny comments and I still love that I get to know you in your posts. I hate generic. It’s boring.

    Keep Being You Aunt Becky!

  • “I got two things in this world: my balls and my word. And I don’t break them for no one.”

    Dude, two months ago, I didn’t even know what these blogs were. And then I found some, and I was all “Wait, this is like one big ad. WTF?!” I felt like Ralphie, “A crummy comercial! Son of a bitch!”

    Yes, I like movie quotes. A lot.

  • In my humble but sincere opinion, a blog post with no mention of fuckwads or breasticles is no blog post at all. You go, girl.

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  • karen says:

    Not only do I read way past the 400 to 600 word mark, I pretty much ALWAYS read each and every flippin’ comment … ‘fraid I had to give up my swearing at my man’s insistence as his parents are pathetic judgmental prudes who would turn me to dust if my kids started up with it.

    So I swear and cuss and say all the nasty stuff when I am reading your blog, thank ya Miss B.

    I like motherfucker myself. I married one.

  • Ami says:

    I need to blog. I need to blog FOR ME…. mostly, because its cheaper than therapy. lol. So instead of anxiety attacks we go deal with our angst and our ranting and our happy and our weird and we blog about it. And we refer to ourselves in the third person b/c thats just how we roll.

    So yeah, Blogging 2.0 can go suck itself. I might never have a following but thats not why I do it. And yeah I might pimp products and things that make me happy but I ain’t never gotten anything (except some weird looks) for doin it.

    And I’m not sure I’m capable of a blog post less than 3 pages. B/c we suffer from diarrhea of the mouth.

  • Lauren says:

    My site is totally not PR friendly either. I do write short-ish posts but that’s because I’m a shitty writer. I don’t know anything about SEO nor do I care. You do what you do and we’ll keep reading.

  • 400-600 word count?

    Fuck that shit.

    My titles are often longer than the damn post.

  • dualmom says:

    I haven’t read the other comments so forgive me if I’m repeating someone…it’s not me being a copycat…it’s me being lazy.

    Fucktard (not on your list)
    monkey ball sucking bastard (also not on your list)

    Also, after watching a weekend marathon of “The Real Life” (don’t judge) I blogged about the fact that we should send a proposal to MTV for a new show…about bloggers being thrown into an uber luxurious house together. I have not thought of an appropriate show title yet. You can totally be do the dude.

    It would be like watching a train wreck..people wouldn’t be able to resist the power of our fucktardedness.

  • Jenn says:

    You must be smart because I had to look up what your title meant, and I’m practically a walking dictionary. (Not a particularly attractive trait, but we’re being open here, right?)

    And if you change I will stop reading your blog. So there!

  • bashtree says:

    I kind of scoff at all that blogging and SEO advice. Because that stuff is written for people who make money blogging…and lord knows nobody wants to pay me on account of my blog :) I hate visiting the sites of professional bloggers because they are so janked up with ads and weird stuff. If I can’t get an RSS feed and get just the text, I don’t subscribe and I don’t come back.

    Your (our) blogging style is awesome. Because we spread by word of mouth (or email) and not by search engine monkeys. And that’s way more legit. IMO.

  • Cyndi says:

    My blog consists mostly of shit I shouldn’t say. I did register a site with the word “cuntwaffle” in the URL, but I haven’t done anything with it.

    And yeah, blogs that are like OMG, COMMENT PLEAZE! remind me too much of my daughter, who does not understand that most words for wanting attention always have to do with pigs or whores. I need a blogroll called “Pigs & Whores.” That would be awesome!

  • Ellen M says:

    Most people blog because they want to write, and are following a traditional editorial/advertising model, whether consciously or not. That is, if their site were to have advertising, they might write about those specific products, but a) probably wouldn’t, or b) would make it clear that advertising those products on their site pays their rent. At least I’d like to think so.

    The bloggers who shill for products they get for free always struck me as more like sports celebrities, who do genuinely use the Nike products their faces and trophies endorse, but there’s no question — or should be no question; maybe people aren’t as bright as I give them credit for — that they are using those products in large part because they’re paid for it.

    The problem, of course, is that if you just click on any random blog, you don’t know up front which you’re getting — the New Yorker or Tiger Woods. It doesn’t take a degree in media studies to figure it out pretty quickly, though.

    What’s interesting to me is that the FTC bothered to put out guidelines about this stuff, when the whole world of actual professional journalism has worked off freebies forever. Women’s mags don’t pay for the face creams and flip flops they tout in their “Must Have” section, e.g., but I’ve never seen a disclaimer on Glamour magazine.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I was JUST reading about that. It’s an excellent point and I’m very curious to see how this all plays out. It never affected me enough to look into it deeply and now I’m very curious about it.

  • Mwa says:

    Yeah. What you said. Exactly. Even though my favourite words are slightly different.

  • Betty M says:

    I cant see why anyone would care if I liked face cream X or drank cola Y whether I got the stuff free or not. I do think though fessing up to having got them for free is important in a medium where, if this Word of Mom shit is to have any value, we are supposed to be getting honest personal online journals.

  • Kate says:

    I started my blog because I needed a space to vent about being a military wife, THE MAN and how crazy my toddler was driving me. I’m not in it for readers although I would be thrilled to know people give a shit. I read blogs that are real, honest and down to earth (also, sarcastic and a little dark doesn’t hurt anything either).

    I think blogs should be a safe (well…”safe”, lets not get too crazy here) space to have civilized discussion*

    *especially if it involved breasticles or funbags bc those are fun words.

  • Maria says:

    Wow I have to tell you I seriously got tested today. Companies must think that you can send people 50 cents worth of free $hit and they will promote you? Not that desperate THANKS!

    Someone sent me food I a) said my son won’t eat and b) I told them he’s ALLERGIC to, and a smooshed, opened box with three assorted things thrown in. They want me to promote a giveaway and a service they have. Uhhh…hmm…

    I sent them an email telling them all the reasons why I’m not comfortable promoting them and offering to send the stuff back.

    The real test will be how they respond. They have to realize that even if they somehow make this right, all of this will be in my review, LOL.

    Anyway, just funny how this happened right after this post.

    And OMG I just noticed that dealing gives you herpes. LMAO!

  • Gunfighter says:

    A few things. I used to get all sorts of stuff because I was seriously plugged into the mommy-blogging realm.

    Publishers contact me to review books that they send to me by the box (I suspect that many of them think I am some sort of novelty).

    I have gotten books, DVDs, shoes, survival kits… all sorts of stuff, and one of it with any strings other than writing a review.

    As for making declaritive statements, I usually do, but one thing that I won’t do is muzzle myself. I try not to swear overmuch, but that is just because I TRY to curb my language, but if I feel the need to say asshole or fuck, than I just go ahead and say it,.

    Fuckin’ A!

  • Karin says:

    I know I’m late to the party but I’ve had a busy week. I wanted Aunt Becky to know that they make certain toilets that women can stand and pee. They are much skinnier towards the front than even the elongated toilets. My mom calls them “squatters” and they have them at the (somewhat) local amusement park in one or two of the huge restrooms. She also said that they had them in Europe in the 70’s (does this qualify as tying in to today’s hippie post?) along with coin-slot showers that you paid by the 3-minute for hot water. (and no, my parents weren’t hippies – just cheap)

  • mumma boo says:

    “…I am certainly not winning a smart people contest unless I sit on the contestants…” *snort*

    Blogging for anyone else but myself would make it a chore. I have enough chores.

  • moonspun says:

    Blogging? It’s my savoir, my lover, my freedom. Blogging? It’s my friend, and constant companion.
    Blogging? It moves me to tears of joy, despair, hope and laughter.
    Blogging? my lil space on the internet? Is mine, all mine and is essential, now, to who I am.
    I love it.

  • you just keep doing what yer doing cuz you do it so good.
    ps: did you win that funniest blogger award?

  • Krissa says:

    Oh shit. This is quite possibly the worst time in my life to have that particular question pointed my way… or even muttered where I can hear it.
    Not being a “mommy blogger” and not even having a paying job to talk about and actually having a cranky, bitchy, in the process of dying, 88 year old lady to take care of makes me, officially, NOT fit into any niche. My attitude sucks of late and therefore, my blog sucks. I don’t feel like writing simply because when I do it’s not fun OR funny anymore and all I do it bitch.
    NOW….. what was the question again….?
    Damn. I gotta do better.

  • Lucy says:

    Love this post. I’ve been getting a little more attention over at the ole blog lately and at first it was kind of nice. I mean, I LOVE attention. But then it started stressing me out and I started avoiding my blog, because while I use Energizer batteries, really? I’ve got nothing to say about them on my blog. I appreciate that they wanted me to, but I just can’t. So that really forced me to step back and re-commit to writing about things I care about.

    Just got to interview an author about her new book on being a mom–awesome. I love to read and I’m a mom. Was offered the chance to review a check cashing place–yeah, I don’t think so.

    So the attention hog in me has had to take a step back (and they said that would never happen!) but in the long run I think that’s for the best.

  • gorillabuns says:

    can i be mrs. roper?

  • Whitney says:

    I feel that this so far is one of the best Blogs I have ever read. Not only does it read smoothly, but you aren’t wiping asses, spoon feeding me bull shit, and so on so forth. It’s more then amazing to see someone who can work and not feel pressured by the restraints of society. I admire you fully.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      *blushes*

      Thank you. You just made my day.

      • Whitney says:

        Well, I’m sure it’s nothing you haven’t been told before. I’ve read atleast four of your other blog posts since this one; you’re very intriguing writer. I honestly find myself engrossed in your thought process.

        You’re very welcome, though.

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          Sometimes, you just needed to hear that sort of thing. It’s hard when you watch as the whole environment changes around you. In a way, it makes me feel bad for all of the newspapers who are shaking their fists at bloggers like me. I get how they feel. Really, I do.

        • Whitney says:

          The biggest problem isn’t necessarily the newspapers are mad at the bloggers, they are mad at the fact you tell the truth. America has this stance that we’ve always told the people what they want to hear, and until it reaches dire circumstances that’s how it’s going to be about everything. That’s the problem with politics; it’s all political, and all we get is what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. It’s funny how things work out, and who they put the blame on.

          Everything changes, but some things, it would appear, never is.

          You’re very talented, though, and I will be checking your site quite frequently.

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