Last night after Dave and I watched a very nail-biting episode of American Idol (and by “nail biting” I mean, I do not know why I don’t just punch myself in the face with lemons until they really start singing instead of watching the auditions), I sat down nearish to him.

(pat pat pat) “The back of your head is entirely flat at the top.”

The Daver (ignoring me entirely)(duh): “Yeah?”

Aunt Becky: “Yeah. And the top kinda makes you look like Predator.”

The Daver (still absentmindedly pecking away on his Blackberry): “Yeah?”

Aunt Becky: “I bet your mom dropped you on your head a lot.”

The Daver: “That explains a lot.”

Aunt Becky (giggles): “You know, we could get you one of those helmets they put kids in now to reshape your skull! Those kids look so CUTE!”

The Daver: “NO.”

Aunt Becky (laughing): “Can you IMAGINE walking around with one of those helmets as an adult? I’d decorate it for you! I could write your NAME in glitter! Or put some CHICAGO FIRE emblems on it!”

Aunt Becky: *bwahahahahahaha*

The Daver: “I think my skull is done being molded.”

Aunt Becky: “Oh.”

The Daver: “So don’t get any ideas.”

Aunt Becky (small voice): “Oh.”

The Daver: “Becky? You didn’t buy me a helmet, did you?”

Aunt Becky: “….Define BUY.”

The Daver: (buries LUMPY head in hands)

Aunt Becky: “It’s okay, I’ll love you and your misshapen head no matter what! Because THAT’S WHAT I LOVE YOU MEANS. TO HAVE, HOLD, AND OBEY…


….Your lumpy head!”

The Daver: “You made the priest take out the ‘obey’ part. Remember?”

Aunt Becky: “That’s because I never obey you.”

The Daver: “That’s for DAMN sure.”

Now that he’s remembered that I never obey him, he won’t be as mad when he finds out that I ordered him a plagiocephaly helmet for Valentine’s Day.

I think the “I love my wife” decals and hearts will make him change him mind and he’ll decide that wearing a helmet 23 hours a day is a very good idea indeed.


Today over at A Mother World, I talk about The Mommy Club and how I’m desperately vying to join it.

126 thoughts on “Nothing Says “I Love You” Like A Grown Man In A Helmet

  1. I do not know of any blogs with the child who has tetrology of fallot. But this is a great site with adults that have congential heart defects. I also am friends with adults who have tetrology of fallot.

  2. I KNOW this is your website and that you are able to say whatever the hell you want to say. I just wanted to say, that as funny as I find you, I will not be reading any more. I have a 4 month old baby girl who has to see a cranio facial plastic surgeon in the coming weeks…and I am praying like hell that she doesn’t have to wear one of those helmets. Maybe I’m missing the humor here and you are shooting for something entirely different than I’m getting. But it is extremely insulting and hurtful to make fun of something that is so devastating to so many.

    1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your son.

      However, as a mom who has a child with her own special needs, as well as a best friend whose son DID wear a helmet for 3 months when he was a year old, I have to say, this is a funny post.

      Becky is in no way mocking the children who have to wear the helmets. We all feel for the decisions parents have to make in doing the best for their children. We make them everyday.

      I’ve included a link to a picture I took of my friend’s son with his helmet. All sorts of cute:

      If you are a long-time reader of Becky’s, you’ll know she has her own issues that she likes to make light of in order to cope. I hope you can find help in dealing with your own decision-making trials and hope you can find humor in the little things.

    2. Certainly you do not have to read me any longer, but know that I am sorry that I offended you. I was not mocking children with any sort of head/brain/skull issues (my daughter has a skull implant and had brain surgery as she was born with a malformed skull and part of her brain outside of it), but teasing my husband.

      I wish you all the best and hope that your daughter doesn’t have to wear the helmet.

      Aunt Becky

      1. Hey I am sorry to see you got that comment, Becky. Some people should not judge others until they have followed you and know what they are talking about. THankfully, I know you are cool enough to take it in stride.

        1. One of the best things about this website, in my opinion, is that the readers have their own minds. I feel badly when I see that a “troll” has made an offensive remark. This reader was expressing her opinion about the post with honestly and respect. As a writer, honest respectful feedback keeps you in touch with your audience. Aunt Becky IS cool, and immediately reached out to the reader to clarify. I did not see inappropriate judgment, only honest sharing and a caring response.

    3. The helmets arent that bad. Both my niece and nephew had to wear them because they had the plagiocephally. You can decorate them really cute, and kids that age are really not self concious. The parents generally are lol.

      Plagiocephaly has gone up in the past years as almost the same percentage of SIDS cases have gone down. Sleeping on their backs makes their soft heads flat, there is no way around it really. The trade off between the helmets and SIDS? I think its a no brainer personally. And since the helmets are so prevelent today, I think the stares have gone down a bit as well. The worst part about it for the parent is the dip (dipping the kids head to make the mold, they dont seem to enjoy it very much).

      But again, I would be praying for a lot more as a parent then if my kid had to wear a helmet for a year. Do you REALLY think they are going to remember it for Christ’s sake? IMO – if someone is praying that their kid doesnt have to wear the helmet is praying for the wrong thing.

    4. My son wore a helmet for 4 months and while I was mildly freaked before the first visit (will I never learn when to leave Google alone???)wearing a helmet is totally not a big deal. My kid has one of the prettiest, roundest heads around now. AND the thing doubled as an excellent crash helmet when he started crawling around. If this is the biggest health hurdle you face with your child, be thankful.

      Becky, I still have my son’s helmet and it’s sans stickers and glitter. If the Daver has an unusally small head, say, infant size, you’re welcome to make it pretty for him! 😉

  3. Great article on the mommy crowd Becky! Wish you lived closer to Boca Raton, we could hang out with our barnacles together.

    In my area I have found it just about impossible to meet mommy friends, as the ladies around here are way too good for lil ole me, but I have struck up a good rapport with the local nannies at the playground!

  4. I wish they made those to make one’s head smaller. My head is ENORMOUS. You think I exaggerate. No. I took a physical anthropology class of forty students in which the graduate assistant measured everyone’s head for some database. My head was the largest. Then, when I ordered my graduate cap when I got my doctorate, I had to order the LARGEST SIZE. In the MEN’S. They didn’t even have it in stock. They had to special order it.

    Unfortunately, think Oscar had inherited my huge noggin. His head size is 87th percentile. My pediatrician can’t stop laughing when he tells me this.

  5. I agree with Sandy about a helmet to make heads smaller. My husband’s head is large and I would totally buy him the helmet to shrink it. As for The Daver, I think he’ll love the helmet because of all of the time and thought you put into it. Maybe he can paint some flames or skulls on it to make it cooler. Plus, nothing says Happy Valentines day like a gift that points out those things you would like your significant other to change.

  6. I have a flat head on the top and so does my sister. Since there are 7 of us, 5 in 5 years and since I’m the 4th, we figured our mom left us to entertain ourselves in the crib, like, a lot, flattening out our poor little heads as we stared at the ceiling. Thank God we’re girls and can poof our hair up. Poor Daver.

    And I actually have to say, for the first time, I didn’t find those first Idol auditions that annoying. I think there’s some actual talent this year and helllooo, guy with the knit hat, so hottie, hot, hot. I think it’s going to be a good year.

  7. Ok, back from reading the Mommy Club. I’ve been on both sides of the fence. Really always marching to the beat of my own drummer, I’ve never looked like your average soccer mom. When I had my oldest girl, I joined a playtime group and I have to say, except for one mom in the group, I never felt welcome no matter how big my smile or how many times I attended. The kicker was when my only mom friend invited me to a mom’s night out at another playgroup mom’s house. I sat there, the lone man out as everyone ignored me. When one of the moms handed invitations out for a Tupperware party and purposefully passed over me, I knew it was time to throw in the towel.

    When we moved to a new town, I immediately fit in with the school moms and have made some awesome life-long friends. I have always made a point to include that mom lingering on the outside of our circle with the big smile on her face.

    Next week, for various reasons, my youngest switches out of the school she has attended for 8 years and we venture into public school. I hope to squeeze my way into the mom circle, again. New beginnings for both my girl and me.

      1. You know I told Jim(hubs)I was gonna get him a helmet but not for a mishapen head. His is because he keeps knocking his damn head on everything. Fell on the ice a few years ago and hit it and since then it has been hitting everything else. His would be for safety which you can tell the daver would be far worse(embarassing to wear and adult safety helmet) LOL

  8. After my third concussion in 1 year my dad sat me down for a serious talk. This talk was just him telling me that I have to be more careful with my head, etc, etc.

    At the end of the lecture he presented me with a helmet, one that thought “looks sort of cool”.

    I of course thought this was an amazing chance to embarrass my father in public (much like I did the year before with my girlfriend, when I broke my tail bone, and had to walk around with a butt pillow.)

    After one day of me walking next to him with my helmet, constantly trying to hold his had, he told me to give the helmet back so he could return it.

    The official score is now: Mike 1, Dad 0, Concussions 3.

    1. Pretty sure we’re related. Not because I’ve gotten concussions, but because I’m always falling around. Also, I think I could use a butt pillow. Maybe THAT’S what I could give Daver for Valentine’s Day.

  9. About the Mommy Club…. I’ve never been able to be a part of one either. I always feel like I’m 10 years too old or on a totally different wavelength (“hmm, no, Roxy, I haven’t taken up knitting or scrapbooking or going to the gym, thanks for asking.But I do wash dishes and work with teenagers and help my Kindergartner practice tying his shoes. Does that count?”). Wish there was a Mommy Club for “mid 30’s-work too darn much-life is busier than a one legged butt kicker- money is tight and i can’t shop now-I will discipline my children” type woman.

    1. Every time I try to join, I feel like a bumbling idiot. Which is so dumb, because I swear I’m not stupid (I’m not!) or bumbling! Why this reduces me to a blubbering mass, I don’t know. But knowing I’m not alone makes me feel better.

      I wish you were local. We’d totally hang.

  10. Love it! I would totally buy my hubs a helmet too. My hubs is from Philly and one year as a joke I seriously entertained buying him a Goodfella kit complete with toupee, gold chain, and I think it had a silk shirt or something. It was all sold out though. I should try to find that again…

  11. OMG Beckster…. I have always felt totally edged out, and now I KILLS me to watch my kids edged out. Yesterday, I had to sit down and have a talk with my 9yo daughter about how ‘girls will always be bitches, ready to steal your boyfriend and your lipgloss, and boys will always… ALWAYS.. be stupid’.

  12. Bwahahahah!! That’s really freaking hilarious. Great visuals in this post. This is the only part of American Idol I watch. I don’t give a shit about who will actually be the next American Idol, just the buffoons who definitely won’t.

  13. I totally have a flat spot on my head too. Glad I can put my hair up or whatever to hide my flatness. Of course maybe I should revel in it as my only flatness anywhere. Lots a lumpy on me.

    And I don’t live that far away from you Aunt Becky. I may come over for cookies and milk one of these days. I’ll be in Chicago soon, can I come over and play?

    1. I freaking HOPE that they are! My kid? FLATTEST HEAD EVER. He needed a helmet (this was before helmets were the thing to do) and yeah. He’s quite, uh, flat-headed. And ADORABLE.

  14. Because I have a really odd bump on my head (near my forehead, hidden under my hair, but just barely), my husband likes to call me a unicorn. It’s been there as long as I can remember.

  15. That…is awesomeness.

    Aunt B, you totally need to get the Daver a helmet. I mean, just think of all the ridicule and pain his misshapen head may have caused him? You can cure it! (nevermind that by this point in his life, his cranial bones have already fused together…).

    Hm. Maybe I’ll get Pookie one…his head is a bit lumpy too….

  16. You got married by a priest? You weren’t worried you’d be struck down or anything? I wore a helmet and rubber shoes at my wedding just in case of lightening.

  17. wow!!! your post on a mother world was sooo what i have been experiencing, as far as other mothers are concerned. kevin and i just married in september and have been raising kevins son since 2007 the people who know his sons mom, know i am an imposter or something and the ones who think that i actually gave birth to a 13 do the math in their heads and automatically brand me a hussy its crazy! thank you for bringing it up! good luck joining the mommy club-i can tell its cut throat!

  18. “Dude, I had that dream again — the one where we take your head off, put it on the pottery wheel and reshape it together. After a while our hands are covered with your brains and then we make sweet, sweet love while “Unchained Melody” plays in the background. What do you think that means?”

  19. I think I recall that is written by a woman whose son was diagnosed with tetralogy of fallot and had heart surgery for it, successfully, at just a few months of age.

  20. My husband has lost a few, FEW hairs on his head and now he wants me to shave him and he is going to be bald. BALD!

    (hanging my head) yes, I love him. Yes he will still be cute and sexy, but really? Really!

  21. Dammit, I missed Idol last night because my husband bought a new Tivo and it doesn’t KNOW that we like Idol. Grrrrrr. Well, hmmm, I don’t think the helmet thingy will work due to fused cranium and all, but….. the butt pillow sounds super useful. Who needs a chair? I’ll just sit on my butt pillow anywhere and be comfy. Plus you could still decorate it with all kinds of sparkles and cute sayings regarding the brilliance of his wife. 🙂 As for the mommy club – I think most people kinda suck. It seems to me that has always been true. I was left out in grade school because I couldn’t play kickball in gym as well as everyone else (at least that’s what they made me think). I was left out in high school because I refused to be a back-stabbing wench like the rest of them. By that point I had already drawn my conclusions about the “popular” kids and didn’t give a shiznit what they thought about me. When I hit college, I totally found my stride and had dozens of good friends. But now as a mommy, I’m back in the odd crowd, though I think it has a lot to do with living in Miami – land of the fake wannabes. I recently just found my best mommy friend at the neighborhood playground and now we do everything together. And I feel lucky that I found another “normal” person I can relate to. That and you all here in Aunt Becky land seem to be pretty rockin too…. I’m happy with that. If you feel like moving to Miami AB, I’ve got yer back. We could totally hang and cause all kinds of mischief.

    1. The more I know, the more I realize that bloggers tend to live in freaking areas that I DO NOT. WTF? (also, I am TOTALLY HANGING OUT WITH YOU in Miami)(when I come down there)(also, we are reenacting that show with David Caruso a lot)(sorry)

  22. “I love my wife and obey her”, in glitter letters would be pretty freaking funny. I’ve threatened to buy my husband a bubble suit since he keeps breaking bones, I don’t think he realizes that I’m totally serious. It’s got to cost less to wrap him in bubble wrap then to take him to the emergency room for a cast.

  23. You know, I have the worst time making friends. I don’t know if it’s because my husband is military and we move so often, that by the time I am settled and get to know people, either they get orders for somewhere else or we do, or if I just suck. I really hope I don’t suck.

    I think a lot of it is people just don’t get my sense of humor and sarcasm. It takes a ton to offend me, and I sometimes assume the same. Plus I tend to be a little nonchalant about my losses, and that freaks people out. Online, I can be more open about deadbabies, though I do try to tone down my blog because I have random inlaws that read it, and they’re church-going folk and I feel weird saying fuck in front of them. Luckily in the 10 years I’ve been with my husband, we’ve only seen them twice, thanks to the military LOL

  24. First of all – thank you for the help!

    Secondly, I am HORRIBLE at trying to make new friends. I don’t dress nicely (lazy) and don’t put make up on (super lazy). So I can only imagine that others probably see me as the mom who wears sweatpants all the time (hey, I wear scrubs the other half of the time – does that count?).

    Anyways, I feel your pain.

  25. I have a flat head. My husband has a flat head. Both my kids have really flat heads. My dog even has a flat head.

    I have just ordered 5 helmets in an assortment of rainbow colors. Please don’t laugh when you see us get out of our car when we go to the beach.

    We’re only trying to better ourselves…

    1. I am aging myself here. But do you remember the coneheads skits from SNL?

      Please SOMEBODY say they remember….

  26. My son totally had one of those helmets. We painted it black and painted a skull on it. You see what I did there? Hahahaha. Oh come on. That’s funny.

  27. My son’s head is kind of rectangular. We call him Chuckle Head or Chuckles. Chuckles the Baby Clown when he was younger. But we say it in the most loving way possible. I’m sure he will be able to do fantastic party tricks someday since the top is so flat – balancing beer bottles and all manner of disgusting things.

  28. I totally had the OBEY part taken out also LOL Told the hubby… good luck with that one LOL. He is slowly learning.

    Im thinking the helmet for the hubby is a good idea. Then when you push him up against the wall…. for any reason … any reason at all… he is protected! LOL

  29. ohhhhh I should have added… that my hubby has a flat spot on the top of his head too. But I created it by bopping him on top of his head so often LOL

  30. I dunno what’s wrong with people. Just read ‘The Mommy Club.’ I can’t imagine being as snotty as those bitches in the fitness class. But I’ve encountered the same type of thing over the years. I moved to a small city on an island and there are those who don’t want to know you if their great-grandparents didn’t know your great-grandparents. To which I say, f**k you!

    Never mind, Aunt Becky, you have us.

  31. My hubby has a maassive heeed. Which my second daughter inherited – talk about shitting out a pumpkin!

    But he’s just bought a new motorbike helmet. It’s totally white and makes him look like a storm trooper. Such blog fodder I’ve never known!

  32. Hell, Y’all are all talking about heads being big. My kid is big all over!!! He is 4 1/2, weighs 86 pounds and is 4ft 1in. tall!! Amazon people!! My Daver is 6ft 4 in. and I am 5ft 7in. My baby girl is 15 months and wears a 4T already!!! BWAAHHAAA!
    Hey, Becky, I know people are going to take offense to some things you write. Let it roll off your back. You can’t please everybody, all the time! I’m still your BFF! That’s all that should matter..RIGHT???

  33. So I’ve discovered the best way to deal with the bitches in the mommy club. Find a person to sit on the sidelines and snicker with you. Then occasionally, stick your foot out so they trip and their perfectly toned legs go flying butt over head in public places. Then, they might need a helmet. THAT’S the way to make them cooler.

    p.s.- I have a friend who’s unborn baby possibly has a Tetralogy of Fallot. I’m telling her to email you so you can pass on any blogs/ support places you find. Thanks!!!!

  34. I’m not married, but I guess one has to expect annoying or icky things like: your husband or wife saying “your head has a dumb shape. That probably is one of those things that people have to live with, or [grumble + complain, + grin + bear it and live with] in married life.

    Like, I once told my mom [paraphrase] : hey, I’m in my 20s. [My best friend from 3rd grade said to me] that I had a bad hairstyle when I was nine.

    My MOM said: “what else are friends for?”

    Good old supportive mom. Heh, Heh.

    I guess, in some friendships, you take the bitter with the sweet, and the sweet with the slight abuses, if you will go out and get your self a friend or a husband or a wife or spouse person. Oh Well.

  35. I got REJECTED by a meet-up mommy group. I kid you not. I went to their “public” meeting – because you have to meet in a public place before being accepted.

    I didn’t fit in, but my kids had fun, so I went with it.

    I didn’t have a recipe because I barely cook. Strike One.

    I admitted I wasn’t really thrilled being a SAHM and was looking to go back to work, but attorney jobs that aren’t 2hrs away and pay enough for 3 kids in daycare are few and far between, so here I am. Strike Two.

    I said I couldn’t breastfeed because I’m on a colitis medication that can kill babies. I really wanted to, but, well, it didn’t work out, so whatever. I joked, “It’s OK though…I like to drink a lot, so it was kind of nice to have the out.” Strike Three.

    The next day, I got an automated thing from meet-up telling me my “application” to join the group was REJECTED. Reason? My kids are too close together and disrupted the flow of the group. They’re 2.5, 1.5, and 7mo. They knew this going in and made me drag myself and the 3 kids to some park and sit there and listen to them blather on about recipes and who gives them their bad hair cuts and then they tell me my kids were too close together in age.

    This is the 3rd group I’ve tried. The 1st one was a giant nurse-in and all they talked about was boobs. That’s it. I have a big lump on my boob. My boob is bleeding. Boobs, boobs, boobs. My boobs were fine, so I had nothing to add.

    Now, I’m mommy group shy and haven’t tried any in a while. It’s currently 14 degrees here, so I guess meeting another pack of people at the park will have to wait until spring!

  36. LOL. You are hilarious. But we all knew that already. I cannot wait for Valentine’s Day now. can’t wait to read about it! Btw, I had a boyfriend who is mightily proud of the shape of his head. No kidding. He said that his mother rotated his head during sleep when he was a baby so ensure that his head was a nice shape.

  37. Pingback: I Think I Love My Wife | AXI
  38. Bwahahahaha!! I laughed so hard reading this I almost woke the baybee. Who, btw, has a gawgeous head. No flat head when they demand to be held ALL THE TIME! So, can I assume Alex has a perfect round head?

  39. Ahhh, the mommy club. As a new mom I feel like I’m still figuring that little gaggle of women out. I want to belong…I think.

    Don’t we live in the same city? Let’s start our own damn club!

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