Now you can put on your Judgment Hats BEFORE I tell this story, which I would surmise, look as awesome as this:

Whatever, don’t act like you’re not jealous of my hat.

It’s my THINKING Cap, y’all (no it is. I wear it when I need to think of stuff-n-things).

So, Pranksters, you know and love me and my foul mouth, just like my children do. If I wanted to be all Blame Game about it, I could pin it on my mother, who taught me my first word: “FUCK,” and say that’s where it all began, but really, I’m kind of over the Blame Game.

I know these things to be true: I have a *ahem* colorful mouth, a dirty mind, and I’m the kind of person you don’t want to live with because I’m prone to warble Rod Stewart (love, love LOVE him!) and microwave marshmallows.

I’ve toned down most of my more awesome pairings of words in front of the kids (meat curtains, anyone?) because that’s what I needed to do, but I’ve never managed to stop swearing entirely. I know that I should and I know that it’s bad and I know that I should also grow my own organic food and stop drinking Diet Coke and probably live a life devoted to something more than polluting the Internet with my dim-witted drivel.

A couple of months ago, I was feeling masochistic and started watching 24, until I realized that I was more stressed out AFTER watching it than I was before (which is saying a lot, considering my stress level is always very high) and could no longer suspend my disbelief that Jack Bauer could hold his bladder for 24 hours a day.

That’s fucking BULLSHIT.

But I picked up Jack Bauer’s, “DAMMIT!” which I would say with precisely that inflection every single time I dropped something (read: every 2 minutes), stubbed my toe (read: every 10 minutes), or tripped over something (read: every 15 minutes).

So Alex, my three-year old picked up, “DAMMIT!” just the way Jack Bauer says it. When he dropped something, “DAMMIT!” When he fell down, “DAMMIT!” When something didn’t go his way, “DAMMIT!

Which, when I found out it was a college drinking game, made it all the more hilarious.

I mean, okay, dammit is like the least offensive swear, and while I could have done better, IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT, this is MY kid we’re talking about.

So, really, my speaking kids, the ones that whose minds I am responsible for shaping (don’t call CPS now) are 9 and 3 and somehow neither of them run around yelling, “WELL FUCKING SHIT, MOMMA, YOU GET YER DAMN WHORE ASS BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME SOME MOTHERFUCKING PIE!”

It means I’m doing okay.

Well, then you have The Daver, who is much more mild mannered than Your Aunt Becky. He’s quieter and more thoughtful and swears much less. No one would ever describe him as outrageous or colorful or obnoxious or brash or annoying or really anything negative.

Sunday, Alex was working on this gigantic marble contraption that he’d conned The Daver into buying:

And he dropped a handful of marbles onto the floor, which upset him very much, because Alex is a very focused and determined ickle guy.

Window open, neighbors right outside my son, clear as a motherfucking bell yells…

FUCKING XXXX

Something I can’t even repeat because it’s that offensive.

The pairing, however, of the two words he used together exonerated me, just as the pairing of the swear words that our FIRST son used. When I swear, it’s background noise. When Dave swears, the kids pay attention.

Turns out that The DAVER has taught both of our children to swear. Alex has given him a nice choice phrase–easily something to offend everyone*–just in time for his 32nd birthday, which is today!

Happy Birthday, Daver!

*I cannot wait for Alex to use this one around Dave’s parents. No, really, this will be EPIC.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

73 Responses to Nothing Like A Shame Sandwich For Your Birthday!

  • AWESOME! Yes, my daugther is picking up EVERY WORD these days. 2 years into this gig and I still haven’t learned NOT to drop the F bomb in front of her.

    Happy B day Daver!

  • Oy. “Dammit” is my go-to swear word, also. That and “Oh for fuck’s sake.” I’m sure I will be mortified if my son blurts that out one day, which will like be during synagogue, knowing my luck. Dammit, I feel for you, for fuck’s sake!

  • Kelly says:

    My oldest was trying to teach my yougest “Mother Fucker”, once when she was about 18 months. She did finally quit trying to get her to say it, but since she writes it on everything she owns, and Mea is starting to learn to write her name, when she sees it, she says, “There’s a M! There’s an E! Where’s the A?”

    I think her notebooks and such now say…Mother Fucking Asshole, so Mea can find the “A.”

  • Trista says:

    Hilarious! Happy Birthday to the Daver! I’ve struggled not to swear around my two-year old daughter, and most days I kind of win…but sometimes not. She’s repeated a few choice ones courtesy of me, but the best is that she says what sounds like “fuck you” all the time, and I’m NOT to blame (for once). See, she’s a verbal little thing but is still working on the pronunciation of some key phrases, like “thank you.” So while she is very polite and uses her “please and thank yous” quite a bit, it generally sounds like “please and fuck you.” And it makes me laugh every single goddamn time.

  • a says:

    My girl has pulled out the “DAMMIT” a couple times. I don’t even watch 24, but it is one of my favorite phrases. My husband yells at me for swearing at him, or putting the God in front of the above phrase. And then he plays Xbox or watches baseball or check the stock market and is yelling Fuck! every ten seconds. I think I’m not quite the only bad influence in our household. I’m surprised that our daughter doesn’t use more bad language.

    Also, Happy Birthday Daver! My friend’s husband, also named Dave, also has a birthday today. If he weren’t 20 years older, I’d be wondering if he was a bigamist!

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    And now I totally want wav files of your kids cursing. I think building a proper vocabulary of swear words is as important as anything else. Knowledge is power, right?

  • martini mama says:

    Hahaha…at least they didn’t totally get it from you. My son was playing with my iphone a few months ago (he is 2) and was recording and said “dammit” and we have it recorded. My husband and I play it when we need a laugh. :)

  • Leslee says:

    Damn it! I wanna know what the pairing was!

    I cuss worse than a sailor on leave in a whorehouse, so the fact that my Alex hasn’t blurted out something colorful is a fucking miracle. (I’ll have another one here in a few months that I can warp, too, so maybe THAT kid will come up with something so offensive I can’t put it on the intarwebs, too. :-D) The only thing I remember him doing was singing a song he made up while we were in the grocery store one day. He was in the seat of the cart, smiling and being cutiful for all the old ladies that happened to be there. Seriously, it was like some kind of old lady convention and they all LOVED his red hair. So, we’re tooling along and Alex just bursts out with “I am so PISSED. I AM SO PISSED!” I, being the awesome mommy that I am, started laughing so hard I nearly had an asthma attack. The old ladies? Yeah, they were shocked and appalled.

  • a says:

    My girl has pulled out the “DAMMIT” a couple times. I don’t watch 24, but I do say that all the time. Then my husband yells at me for it, and for putting the God in front of it, and for swearing at him when he’s being a dick. And then he plays Xbox or watches baseball or checks the stock market and starts saying “FUCK” every other word…but he’s not responsible for any of her bad language because he doesn’t swear in front of her. It’s probably good to be so self-unaware.

    Happy Birthday, The Daver! My friend’s husband, also named Dave, has a birthday today too. If he weren’t 20 years older, I would be wondering if he was a bigamist…

  • Venti Vixen says:

    Ha ha! My son went through a damnit phase around that age. The other day in Costco he yelled out, “Mama, you gotta see this shit!” Ah, the joys! Happy birthday to The Daver!

  • Empresso says:

    Happy Birthday The Daver!

    My then 2 yo picked up “PUKE!”

    • Empresso says:

      Damn tab key above the cap lock key! Fuck shit keyboard. Anyway, he’d say PUKE whenever he was mad, frustrated or in a general 2 yo snit. If he was really angry, he’d try to spit too. Drop a train-PUKE, spit, spit. We let it slide. It was too cute to correct and at least he wasn’t dropping the F-bomb in front of the neighbors.

  • steph gas says:

    happy birthday to the daver :D

    also, i think the main thing to remember is to BLAME IT ON THE DAVER. and once alex is old enough to understand such things, just explain that those words don’t belong in public/school/daycare/grandma’s house. and wash his mouth out with soap when he slips up. it worked for me!

    i curse like woah. it’s an art form, really. i also burp exceptionally well. my mother lovingly says i curse like a sailor and burp like a truck driver. however, she doesn’t know any truck drivers, and did not say it lovingly.

    also, i definitely can guess what the XXXX is. possibly something like, see you next tuesday? if you catch my sly meaning.

  • leanne says:

    Happy Birthday, Daver!

    Also, totally laughing my ass off… my swearing is getting worse as I get older. And it’s getting much harder not to let something fly in front of the childrens. Though I’ve been kinda thinking that it might be background noise to them, too. I kinda hope so.

  • heydave says:

    I try not to swear, but I am totally not giving up thinking really evil thoughts.

    Happy birthday to another Dave.
    Dime a dozen, they are.

  • M says:

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with cursing, seeing as fuck is probably my second favorite word for any situation, what bothers me is people who curse AT their children. Trashtastic. My thing is though, how do you NOT laugh? I would absolutely lose my shit if my kid shouted out some of the things I am known to say, like I couldn’t help it. I laugh now when my dogs do dumb shit, kids are WAY more funny than big, goofy ass dogs. Obviously, I don’t have kids YET but I am actively trying and I have no idea how I am going to find the ability to scold them without laughing myself to tears first.

    • KYouell says:

      Ah, I know the answer to this one! You see, when you actually have the lovely little monsters, who you love VERY MUCH but can be aggravating little monsters, you will be upset enough to mete out the punishment and then giggle behind your hand once they aren’t looking. Trust me.

  • cyndi says:

    Happy Bday to Daver!

    Swearing and saying offensive things is in my genetics. It even rubbed off on my Mom. She says “Grrr. Shit. Damn. Fuck!” when she’s really mad. Otherwise, it’s just an ok sort of mad. GrrrShitDamnFuck means someone’s about to have their arm ripped off and beat with the wet end.

    I suggest you round out the kiddos’ education with Monty Python and Mel Brooks movies. I can now survive 54 seconds while chained to the bed with a velociraptor due to the shit I learned from British humor!

  • pattypunker says:

    my daughter has an extensive repertoire of curse phrases (she’s 18) so i know she got that from me.

  • Stephanie says:

    suffering from little sleep I’m stressing out and DYING to know what the XXXX word was. A little hint? Just to make my day a smidgin brighter??? PPPAAAAAHHHHLLLLLEEEEEZZZZZZZZ

  • Well Aunt Becky, since you never got my song in the email, hopefully you will get it here in the comments, just a little appreciation from your biggest fan….

    Me and Ram Jam go way back, so they said it was okay that I use there music, sooooo let me know what you think!

    (you have to go to this link to hear the background music)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMLnDuzgkjo

    whoa, Aunt Becky (bam-A-lam)
    whoa, Aunt Becky (bam-A-lam)
    Aunt Becky has a child (bam-A-lam)
    And her heart was wild (bam-A-lam)
    She said shes gonna be a soldier (bam-A-lam)
    and didn’t care what the doc’s told her (bam-A-lam)
    I said go ask Aunt Becky (bam-A-lam)
    whoa, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)

    whoa, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)
    whoa, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)
    She really makes me laugh (bam-BA-lam)
    You know she makes me cry (bam-BA-lam)
    She holds her vodka steady (bam-BA-lam)
    And she is always ready (bam-BA-lam)
    Go ask, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)
    Go ask, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)

    Whoa, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)
    Whoa, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)
    She’s from St. Charles (bam-BA-lam)
    Way down in Illinois (bam-BA-lam)
    When shes writin’ that thing (bam-BA-lam)
    Boy she makes me think (bam-BA-lam)
    Go ask, Aunt Becky (bam-BA-lam)
    Whoa, Aunt Becky
    BAM-BA-LAM

  • Anna Marie says:

    Holy hell Becky. Was it the C word? My 3 year old uses shit in context and appropriately,but I’m not going to worry until she starts dropping the f-bomb.

  • Dot says:

    This made me laugh out loud!

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Oh, Anna Marie beat me to it–Was it a C-Bomb?! I must know. Bravo, Daver, and happy birfday!

  • Shin Ae says:

    Happy Birthday, Daver!

    I will never forget that momentous day when the electricity bill to end all electricity bills came to our house. There was screaming (me), crying (me), swearing (me), stomping & fantic phone calls (also me).

    In the middle of it all, I looked over to see my adorable little boy, not even three years old, sitting in his booster seat, dropping the f-bomb over and over and over again.

    Sigh. No one to blame but myself.

  • Holy fucking hell. That is not good at all!! When and if we have kids I know they’re going to just pick up “FUCK!” It’s my husband’s choice explitive for everything. Every-fucking-thing.

    HM

  • ABCfibi says:

    Love this post. My husband gets mad at me all the time for dropping the f-bomb when my kid is in another part of the house. So far she has only yelld “Shut the damn door Dad!” I am sure when the big daddy of bad words comes out of her mouth it will be in front of one of her great grandmothers. That is my luck, and lord knows they need more things to judge me by!

  • Anna says:

    I love it when kids cuss. JUST. LOVE. IT. Wait, does admitting that make me a bad mom?

  • Jennifer B says:

    Well happy motherfucking birthday to the Daver (and me). Somehow, I have managed to censor my sailor mouth over the past four years. I suppose it’s because of all my training, being a teacher and all. I’m used to using euphemisms, like motherfudgebucket, or holy shiznit. Hmph, I had forgotten Daver and I shared this lovely day. I did want to excitedly share what my husband got me (with my very own Amazon account so I’m actually paying for it, whatevs) for this incredible occasion….. are ya ready?? Dexter season 1-4, all together in a happy little box, and it will be here in 2 days. Yay!!!!! Since my Showtime got cancelled by said husband, I only ever got to see the first two seasons and like 2 episodes of season 3. Grrrrr.. But now Yay!!!!!!

  • April K. says:

    Happy birthday to the Daver!

    Up until the age of about 20 months, my daughter would only say “mama” and “ball”. Then, one day while we were at the park with a friend, she decides to start shouting out, “Clifford’s a bitch! Clifford’s a bitch!” All we could do was laugh hysterically while all of the people around us just stared. Apparently laughter was not the response she was looking for because she just started shouting it louder. It took my then 3 year old son to decode her message which, sadly, was NOT “Clifford’s a bitch!” but, instead, “Clifford’s the best!” We heartily agreed with her and then, for the rest of the day, would bribe her with cookies in an attempt to get her say it again and again. If only she could have said, “Clifford’s a fucking bitch!”…

  • CycleNinja says:

    For the love of all that’s holy and half that isn’t, your life needs to be made into a musical. “Mommy Wants Vodka–On Ice.”

    Do it for the children!

  • Maria says:

    I’m just waiting for the call from the school that my 5-year old dropped a few bombs.

    Also wondering if when my 15 mo old finally decides to talk, will it be a string of 4 letter words? I love to curse, it just feels good. It is a hard habit to let go of, and I don’t think me kid screaming “EFF THIS!!” will go over any better than the real thing.

  • annie says:

    I’m new here but I LOVE that your mother taught you to swear. Mine did too and I’m taking great joy in passing it on to my daughters – who am I to fuck up tradition?

  • And now my imagination is ripe with words that he could have paired with fucking that would be so offensive even my Aunt Becky wouldn’t type it.

    Happy birthday Daver!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Happy Birthday Daver! And, I inadvertently taught Gabe to say “Stupid Shit Dog!” when he was about 2 1/2.

  • Sam says:

    I had to be all parental and remove my 3 year old who’d just yelled ‘fuck’ at our very non-cursing highly religious neighbor’s kid. Nice. Then, I had to tell them about it. Which made ME want to say fuck, even more than I already do, even though I don’t do it around the kids, so technically it isn’t my fault. Maybe.

  • Molly Malone says:

    That is hilarious! I remember when my sister (she’s 17 years younger than me) busted out her first f-word. It was at the dining table – the entire family was there, and as soon as the reverberations of the f-bomb tripping from my sisters 4 year old mouth had died down, all eyes swiveled in my direction. It was fair enough though!

  • K odell says:

    First of all, I am not entirely sure about cuss words- who decided certain words were bad? BUT- I am a sub teacher so I do have to watch what I say.
    When I was an at home mom, though…..my son’s favorite words were god dammit. My daughter, who was always naked, somehow how learned Money as her first word (the girl must’ve been a stripper in another life)

  • Too offensive for you to even write in your blog?! Holy shit!!

    And thank God I am not the only one who becomes entranced when making smores in the microwave. I always think about that part of Ghost Busters when the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man burns up.

    BTW, when you have a minute, go check out my last post. I mention you and encased meats.

  • KYouell says:

    Happy Birthday to The Daver!

    I can’t believe you aren’t teaching your kids that “meat curtains” is the proper term for that body part. We have to be very careful with the names for all body parts in the swimsuit areas because developmentally disabled kids are supposedly a major target for pedos — the kids won’t or can’t tell — so I’m very calm & proper, but I totally want to tell me daughter that she needs to hold still cuz there’s poo on her meat curtains. I was kinda hoping you did so I could live vicariously. Ah well. ;-)

  • Betty M says:

    One of mine was singing a made up song with lots of fucks in the chorus on the way to school this morning – I’m so proud.

    Happy birthday Daver!

  • Mary says:

    My kids picked up my cursing from me and I picked up mine from my Mom (Irish temper and all that). I am now working on handing down one of my Mom’s favorite expressions: When feeling overwhelmed, she would say “Why don’t you stick a broom up my ass, so I can sweep the floor at the same time?” The Irish have a way with words.
    My husband cringes when I curse but he will quote my Mom from time to time.

  • Neeroc says:

    Happy Birthday Daver!

    I too am so happy that my 2.5yo has decided to pick up on ‘For Fuck’s Sake’ which is totally my husband’s rant. I think mine is waaay too long for her to remember (yet). Then she started combining his favorite with my ‘OMG’ – inventive little soul. She’s so getting kicked out of daycare.

  • MommyLisa says:

    EPIC swearing!? I want to know the second word now!

  • Jackie says:

    Swear I heard my two year old say “oh shit” the other day when she dropped something on her toe. Followed by “oh my gracious” & a sweet innocent smile when I asked, “What did you say?” Obviously she knows the difference too – I’m in trouble.

  • MXW says:

    HA! I was watching my friend’s kid the other day, who’s not quite 2. He was wearing a bowling shirt, but when you asked him what shirt he was wearing it sounded like he said “a bullshit”. Needless to say, I spent half the night asking him what shirt he was wearing over and over.

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    Well, fucking XXXX. Happy birthday, The Daver! :)

  • Bobbi says:

    Happy Birthday Daver. I’m ignoring mine tomorrow. I have a friend who swears like a sailor. (As do I but that’s another story.) Her uses of curse words are epic. So when her 5-at-the-time year old son was pissed off about something and said he had to “say a bad word to feel better” she said Ok. After hearing pretty much every word that could be considered a “bad word” his choice? Darn it. The kid cracks me up. (Although I have a friend who’s 30 years old and honestly thought the “C word” was crap. I’ve offered to teach her much better words.)

  • Bell says:

    We curse all the time around my step-siblings, but they’re old enough to know they can’t use those in ear shot.

    I think when they’re too young to know, it’s much funnier. :)

  • Becca says:

    So, T’s first time using more than unnecessary language was when he was in pre-school. At that time, I did not work for the department of corrections and did not use that kind of language. T’s best little buddy was riding a scooter that T desperately needed to ride, so in his most authoratative voice my 3 year old yelled “Get your motherfucking ass off my trike!!”

    Imagine the phone call I got from the director of ‘Candyland’ daycare, and imagine her surprise when I told her to call my husband and let him know as he was the responsible party. I never got another phone call… :)

  • Jenn says:

    Honestly? Despite my (occasionally) foul mouth, most of the curse words that my kids have picked up have come from their great-grandmothers. It’s pretty grand when one of the kids swears in front of someone and I get to say, “They learned that little gem from their 80-something-year-old great-grandmother.” Awesome.

  • Hockeymandad says:

    Happy Birthday Dave! Shit, I had no idea or else I’d have said it earlier today!

  • Dr. Cynicism says:

    Ahh yes. They’re like little sponges, constantly reminding us of our flaws and filthy mouths. Or more appropriate to this blog, our “whore ass mouths.” Great stuff!

  • Grace says:

    Fuck Yeah!!! Happy Birthday Daver!!!! There was actually a study done that says swearing is good for you. So let the little shits fuck it up!!!

  • pamtastic says:

    I’ve had to replace “shut the fuck up” (which I say ALL the time) with “shut the front door” because, well, as previously mentioned…I say it ALL the time. I was afraid that one of the four kids was going to blurt it out any minute…and now, yes, you’ve guessed it…I have a 9 year old that frequently says “shut the front door”. Says it with perfect timing and tone – lovely…

  • MannyRee says:

    Awesome post. Kids cussing…is it ever NOT funny? And happy birthday, Daver!

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Happy Birthday Daver, you f*cking ****

  • BecZhang says:

    My kid is the freaking bad language police which makes me feel like even more of a douche nozzle. He’s all why did you say the s word. And I’m all you can’t even fucking read how do you know it’s the s word?

  • Kate says:

    My husband curses like a sailor (actually, like a soldier because he is one) and our 2 year old has taken to calling things “Fuck” and “Asshole”. Thank you dear husband! When he was in the hospital a few days ago and a nurse came to mess with his IV? “Fuck!”. We both just kind of looked at him…how do you punish a kid with a 106 fever? So…. he got a cookie. Hey, I SO picked my battle!

  • Just why is it so funny when a kiddo comes out with something like that? I’ve never been able to put my finger on it, but it always is.

  • My two year old yells “fuck” over and over and stops his little feet in rage when something he doesn’t want to happen.. happens. Not so charming. I have my mother to thank for that. Nice, right?

    Happy birthday to the Daver! Its my husbands birthday today also.

  • Kallay says:

    Hahahaha!!! My friend’s little boy dropped something the other day and yelled “OH SHIT!”. She confronted him about it and he lied and said “Mom, I said ship.”. My kids are doomed to potty mouthville. I just can’t help myself sometimes. Glad I’m not alone! :D

  • Average Girl says:

    You’re right…I’m sooooooo jealous of your hat!

  • I just sold the Mrs Timberlake bracelet at a garage sale last week and didn’t have an ounce of regret until I saw your cap.
    Now there’s an empty place in my heart where my bracelet used to live.
    Damn you Becky!

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