I’ve always wanted to be able to say the phrase: “Honey, I think it’s time” and then rush around off to the hospital in a blind panic lest my baby be born in my car or something. Sadly (or happily, however you look at it), I’ve never been able to go into labor on my own and have missed that step entirely. Since I was induced with both of my kids, the most I got to say was “hey, can you pack the camera charger?”

That phrase lacks….something.

But I digress.

Yesterday, at about 12:45 I began having some pretty bad contractions that didn’t abate when I rested, changed positions, or any of the other things you might want to do to see if This Was It. Turns out, at about 6 PM, I learned that this was NOT, in fact, it. Depressing, but true, Amelia stays put for now.

During those 5 hours of labor (it was just like labor, y’all) Daver was rubbing my back for me in the kitchen while our youngest ran up to him holding a coveted ball.

And just like our own personal America’s Funniest Home Videos, Alex winds up the small basketball and whips it as hard as he can at his poor father’s ball sac. BLAMO, he shoots, he scores.

Dave doubled over in pain, and being the good wife that I am, I immediately launched into a fit of giggles that doubled me over as best as it could, given the back labor I was in.

“Well, that takes care of the vasectomy, Daver. Looks like he just told you what he thought of having siblings.” I sputtered out like the juvenile wife that I happen to be. “Lookit it this way: he saved you the process of going to a urologist.”

And the Daver just glared and glared. Can’t say I blame him.

But here, I put some pictures up! I need to take some more and I will and then I’ll post them and cop out of a real post by putting pictures up and that will be awesome because I’m not so smart anymore which is weird because maybe I never was.

Kthxbai.

Hells to the NO, I don’t want a sibling, Mommy, you ignorant slut.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

45 Responses to Nothing Like A Kick In The Nuts

  • guilty noodles says:

    LMAO! Daver has no right to glare at you. You’ve been miserable for too long. The Daver NEEDS TO FEEL YOUR PAIN.

  • Maria says:

    I was induced with S and DESPERATELY wanted the whole “honey, it’s time” experience. Which ended up being more like “Um dude, you should probably wake up” at 3AM followed by a car ride that consisted of him driving way too fast while I was all “You don’t have to speed, you know–OH FUCK STOP TALKING TO ME FOR A SECOND AUGHHHGGGGGGGG–we should probably go straight to the emergency room…”

    I hope hope hope you get the adventure you want, lady. Try not to despair too much about not being in labor yet. As crazymaking eager as you are, every hour in there is a happy hour for the sausage-ette.

  • Dot says:

    That was SO not funny for Daver. Alex sure can throw a mean look, along with a mean ball. Hope you both are recovered now and ready for the big adventure. :-)

  • kbrients says:

    Oh that is awesome! I think that every woman in labor has wanted to kick her husband in the nuts…. and you did not have too!

  • i would have laughed, too

    MQ does similar things CONSTANTLY – we’re pretty sure it’s her way of ensuring she stays an only child

  • Yourgodlovesmeto says:

    Despite everyone’s comments: You have to LOVE that he was rubbing your back! I love a man who at least tries to help. There’s not much they can do and every little bit does help.
    I know that last stretch is so hard – hang in there!

  • I concur that it’s good for him – men should all feel our pain!

    Hang in hon!

  • Marie says:

    I would have laughed until I snorted! Do you watch Friends? You seem like a Friends watcher. The one where Chandler and Monica debate about what hurts worse, labor or getting kicked in the nuts?

    Thank you for the well wishes!!

  • Sara says:

    Alex and Little Z should have a glaring contest. I’m almost positive it would be a draw!

    And Miss Amelia needs to come make her appearance and stop being such a wench to her mommy. Pass that message along, we’ll see if she listens!

  • Badass Geek says:

    Ouch.

    Sympathy pain for Daver.

  • Betts says:

    Your kid has extraordinary slapstick timing, and you, of the eternal gestation, never fail to spin a yarn that leaves me laughing.

  • When I was in labor with both kids – BOTH! – I still had no real clue. You’d think the pain would be an obvious, and their overdue nature would be huge, too, but I was ignorant. Even after going through it a previous time!

    When I was finally wise enough to utter those words, we still putzed around the house and then my husband drove the hour to the hospital very slowly. By the time we got to the hospital it actually was time. The baby came less than 30 minutes later!

    Gorgeous boys…when is their little sister sort of expected to arrive?!

  • Miss Grace says:

    Hilarious.

  • Ames says:

    I always wondered what it would be like to go into labor unassisted..but I was totally robbed of that both times. I hope that you are able to get that experience this time around.

    and “ouch” for the Daver!

  • Danielle says:

    AHAHAHAHA, Ignorant Slut! Hows The Daver feeling NOW? Any better? The “I think it’s Time” moment resulted in a “lady you aren’t REALLY in labor” look from the nurses. Opps, my bad. After that, my husband took his own sweet time getting us to the hospital, can’t really blame him though. I had a frequent “false labor” flyer card at the hospital with BOTH my kids. I rock!

  • melanie says:

    Since I had scheduled c-sections first thing in the morning with both my kids, the only “its time” message i got to say, was get up and shower we have to be there in 30 minutes for the 2 our pre-op good times….but that said I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything……I had plenty of false labor contractions, but I dont regret not experiencing the “real” deal.

    My son is currently at the perfect height for raming his 90% sized head into my husbands “boy parts” (thats what we call them round here—yeah i know i am really mature) I still laugh about it!

  • Kristine says:

    I didn’t get the “it’s time” experience either. At nearly 42 weeks, I got the “start calling at 6 pm and as soon as we can fit you in, we’ll let you come up here and begin torturing you.” So by 11pm, when they finally agreed to allow me to grace them with my presence, it was more like “Quick get in the truck and go, before they change their minds!” If I’d known what I was in for, I might not have bothered going in.

  • Anjali says:

    Well I’m on pins and needles waiting for Amelia!

  • heather says:

    Did you ask old Alex to throw it again just for laughs? ‘Cause I would’ve. He sure can work a mean glare. Dude. Daver better just be happy he wasn’t throwing stars or knives.

  • g says:

    Man, those boys are gorgeous! How did that happen? :)

  • Madame Yu See says:

    When’s your actual due date?

  • ewe_are_here says:

    I’d’ve laughted, too. And hey, it was a brief moment or two of pain… you’ve endured months of pregnancy… only to end in LABOR! You’re entitled.

  • kalakly says:

    I went into labor with my first two, first in the middle of the night, “honey, can you stop watching tv for a sec, I think my water broke”, then labored for 20 hours and pushed for 4 only to end up with a c/s….and then with my second I knew I was in labor but had things I wanted to do so that day, 1.we took my son to the doctors b/c his asthma was bad, then 2)I had the husband drop me off at the nail place cuz I wanted my feet to be pretty in the video (god I was so pathetic) then 3)we drove to my docs office to get checked and be told yep, you’re in labor, see you in a while at the hospital and also No, you may not stop and get a milk shake on the way there(advice I was very grateful for later that night when I ended up horking my guts out) then 4)we went to the store to buy reading materials for the labor, finally we went to the hospital…and had a baby by c/s instead.
    I just do the labor thing for shits and giggles apparantly.

  • mumma boo says:

    Alex, being the good momma’s boy, wanted to make sure that Daver felt your pain. He’s all about empathy, your boy. Oh, and remind me never to cross him – that kid can scowl and look adorable at the same time – a deadly combo if there ever was one. Good luck, lady. You’re almost there….

  • The Mommy says:

    My “honey, I think it’s time” moment was purported to be “false labor” by the residents at the L&D ward. BAH! What do they know?!?! I had the little dickens a mere 31 hours after labor first started. False labor my ass! I was induced with the other two and I’m torn about which is better. My only hope for this one is that it NOT be a c-section. That is all. Oh, and I’d like labor to be less than 31 hours. That sucked. Really.

    As an aside, I never had false labor with my boys but with my daughter? It happened every 2-3 days for over a month. Fun times. My DH says it’s because she’s a woman in training. Probably right.

  • Coco says:

    I love Alex’s angry face.

    Bean has one kind of like it, except he more closely resembles the AntiChrist.

    Oh, Amelia darling, please be merciful to your mama! She loves you and wants to meet you…soon!

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    Hoooo-ey, that’s one stink eye! I’m a PRO when it comes to the dirty look, and even I’m scared!

    And apologize to The Daver for me, but BWA HA HAAAAAAA HA HAAAAAAA! *snorfle* Sorry, Dave.

  • OUCH! You gotta love those nut shots.

    Both my kids are around groin height and find it hilarious to run full steam into daddy and watch daddy fall down on the floor.

    Not so funny for daddy.

  • The Daver says:

    Oh, sure. Go ahead. Laugh at my misery. C’mere, Alex…throw yer ball THATaway! Muahahahaha!

    Who am I kidding? My eeeevil laugh is the Diet Coke of eeeevil. Meaning, it’s like battery fluid, and Becky drinks too much of it. I mean….oh nevermind.

    Alex does throw a mean curveball, though. And I *do* mean MEAN. Mean and cute. Cute and painful. Ow.

  • Em says:

    Oh. My. Too bad you didn’t get it on tape.

    Good labor thoughts coming your way!!

  • giggleblue says:

    wait – did you let your oldest son dye his hair??? we heard nothing about this…

    and you tell that little girl to get out her immediately! people are waiting!

  • Rachel says:

    I never had a ‘honey, it’s time’ moment either. 2 inductions, no mad dashes to the hospital.

    But I have to say that since men will NEVER understand the pain of labor, a hit to the sac seems poetic justice. Sorry Daver.

  • kate says:

    yeah, he does look quite totally annoyed with you.

  • Lola says:

    Hehehe! You can always finish off the vasectomy when you’re in full-blown labor!

    God, I love the look on that boy’s face! He’s a boy after my own heart.

  • baseballmom says:

    Bwaaa! That looks like a ‘look’ from the other Alex Joseph…mine!

  • Sarah says:

    All men should get a shot in the balls when we’re in labor, damnit!! Tell Daver to suck it up! He took one for the team – you’ve taken two and are about to take one more!

    My “it’s time” moments were always accurate, it WAS time, I’d get to the hospital a good 5 cm, but nonetheless, there was never a need to rush. Even knowing this, that we had another 2-3 hours at least, Jim would proceed to drive like a bat out of hell just because he wanted to, actually pretty much from my 5th month on, and I was under orders to pant like a dog and scream and curse if we got pulled over. Good fun, but we never got a chance. No one ever pulled us over!

    Alex is can certainly shoot a crusty look when he wants to!!

  • CLC says:

    Very cute pix, Becky!! And I am holding my breath for you! Any day now!

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Your kids are cute. Why don’t you post more pictures?

  • Jenn says:

    Oh my bloody hell you’ve got some cute kids! Boo has that same expression (as Alex) quite a bit lately. Damn kids! :)

    I think Alex just wanted to make sure his beloved Mommy wasn’t the only one in pain. hehe. (For the record I would have been laughing my ass off too.)

  • tryingin2007 says:

    ooooh! contractions!!!!! watch out! I will be stalking you heavily from now on!

    and sorry, no sympathy for the husband. his pain hardly compares to pushing (or pulling in my case) a human out of our delicate lady parts (x3.) a ball in the groin area? he should be so lucky!

    ;)

  • Peggy says:

    I have three little kidlets. For the first L&D voyage, I was sent directly from my OB’s office at nine months due to his irregular heartbeat…thaaaanks…that’s exactly how I pictured it! Being scared shitless that my baby was in danger! Anyway…got to the hospital and was induced, my healthy son being born eight looong hours later.

    The third (and final thanks to our dear urologist!) L&D voyage was mediocre on the excitement scale…I was uncomfortably laboring for about a half day before we headed out waddling up to L&D…once there, it was a comedy of errors by a highly inept L&D staff (I know! They are usually my saviors!) Ugh…another story. My youngest daughter was born healthy (and adorable I might add) about four hours later.

    My SECOND voyage to L&D was what seems to be your fantasy trip! Awoken in the middle of the night by one sharp pain like somebody stabbed me with a rusty corkscrew, I bolted upright and screamed like a fucking banshee! Called Mom and told her to get over STAT. Hubby packed the minivan and we were off on our five minute car ride to the hospital. In that five minutes, I made him slow down, speed up and stop altogether about twenty times because I was fucking hallucinating…yes, not in a good way! We got to the ER entrance of hospital (it was about 2am) and my hubs left me standing there alone, doubled over and hallucinating in front of 20 or so people…thanks hon!

    It took L&D about ten minutes (felt like ten hours) to come down and get me. I managed to get into the fugly gown they supplied (I always wonder who wore that m’fer before me and it never ceases to freak me out…ick!) and somehow got myself up onto the bed when they checked me out and found out I was dialated to TEN…what? huh? they were all murmuring about how I was able to speak through the contractions and seemed to be more like a five but, indeed I was at TEN! Through my pain and halluciinating I figured something out that all you mommies out there have probably figured out by now…a ten means NO FUCKING EPIDURAL! I repeat…NO FUCKING EPIDURAL! Nada…I even begged for Tylenol…they would give me nothing! Oh No I thought…I cannot do this without some precious pharmaceutical love! I begged, I pleaded, I think I even offered one of the nurses her pick of one of my other two kids…I was on my own.

    Alas, I did it and delivered a beautiful baby girl seven minutes after the doctor walked in the room. I have to say, without the epidural, delivery seemed to go alot quicker and the recovery time was much easier…I don’t know if one has anything to do with the other but I thought I’d just throw that in.

    So, the moral of my tale is be careful what you wish for! Sometimes a nice scheduled L&D visit can be just what mommy needs (besides vodka, of course!)

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog! Thanks for making me laugh everyday!

  • honeywine says:

    It would be so awesome to relive the whole Lucy-going-into-labour-with-LittleRicky thing, wouldn’t it? Watch the Daver go out of his gourd just a bit? lol

  • mandy says:

    Poor husband. I always pretend to try to kick mine there, I don’t know why I think it’s funny. One day, when I accidentally land it, I expect I’ll be laughing as he knocks me out.

  • Collette says:

    Aww. The boys are so cute! I had to drag Joe out of the house when I was having #2. He was sitting in the kitchen talking with the sitter. We barely made it to the hospital. Maybe you’ll get that running around “Its time!” this time!

  • Fancy says:

    What the heck is with you having back labor before you are even in labor?!? I’m so sorry for you, sweetie, hope you get an epidural and everything else you could wish for!

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