It may come as a shock to you that I have very few real-life mommy friends. The friends that I do have don’t have children, and the very few mommies I know live so far away, that between nap times and travel distances, play dates are more trouble than they’re worth.

The town that we live in is fairly affluent, which effectively means that the women who have children of comparable ages are much older. It’s not a problem for me as age don’t mean shit to me, motherfucker, but it puts a yawning chasm between our experiences. This, coupled with my penchant for being incredibly obnoxious (true story: this weekend I have decided that my favorite insult is “crotch”) has made the acquisition of new mommy friends exceedingly difficult.

A couple of weeks ago, having been suitably underwhelmed by the choices on daytime TV (paternity tests AGAIN on Maury?) and tired of staring at the walls in my house, I packed Alex up and trundled off to the nearby mall. We poked around aimlessly, stopping for lunch at McDonalds (Alex loves his cheeseburgers, which makes him 100% my child). While we sat in the food court, I was approached by a slightly older toddler girl and her father (who was obviously gay). The girl toddled over to me, and I greeted her with a “What’s up, dude?” when it dawned on me that I had the perfect solution smacking me upside the face.

I’ve always gotten along far better with men, in general, until I reached the age where all of my (male) friends got girlfriends who decided that I was very much a threat (I can assure you that I was not. Ever. A. Threat.), which, like it or not, eventually made hanging out a little more awkward. Befriending gay men got to be a better option, as I was clearly not a threat to their lovers (what with the Fish Taco), and being snarky and judgemental is a favorite past-time for me.

So, I thought to myself, who better to befriend than a guy with a kid? I imagined a future of bitchiness, snark, and hilarious discussions of our lovers privates and sexcapades (this would be more of a fanciful recollection for me). We’d have lunch! Dinner! Nap time imposed Happy Hours with fancy (and froofy) martinis! I went so far as to imagine that his name was “Nick” or possibly “Charlie.”

Tactically, however, I made several grave errors in judgment beforehand. First, and less importantly, I called his daughter “dude” or “man,” which was only because I am more accustomed to calling children this (seems more prudent than “princess” or “darling” considering I have two boys, eh?). Strike One. Becky: 0 for 1.

My second error, the one that nailed my coffin tightly shut was the fact that I had not bother to put on real pants when I left the house (I was wearing stained yoga pants. It was sexxy), as I had mistakenly assumed I would only run into mall-walkers on my journey. The final score was Becky: 0 for 2.

I talked to his daughter for awhile, she oogled the baby, and then we parted ways amicably enough (he did, I will tell you here and now, look me up and down disgustedly. I must have been very frumpy that day). As they walked away, like my frumpyness was catchy, I couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for myself for blowing the one shot I had at making a parental friend that I stood a chance of getting along with.

So explain to your Aunt Becky how (mostly) normal people do this. How does someone make new friends with kids? (or without. The kids are not part of the Requirements to Hang. Only being gainfully unemployed during the day is a prerequisite) Apparently, I’ve missed the memo that explained this in graphic detail, and I’m telling you, for my sanity, I NEED to have someone to talk to during the day besides Alex (at 9 months, he’s not much of a conversationalist.) and the UPS guy, who, I fear is learning to dread coming to my house to deliver packages.



19 Responses to Not Only Obnoxious, But Stupid, Too

  • Cricket says:

    “Crotch” makes me giggle.

    I have very few friends now, but when my so was younger we did things with organizations like Mothers and More, etc. It’s kinda like joining a clique in which they have to accept you. If the group is big enough, you’ll find your niche. Even misfit me did. Alas, they’re all gone now, but I look back on it (mostly, b/c sheesh, it is a bunch of women) fondly.

  • Stefanie says:

    Okay, let’s IM in the middle of the night. and then we can call if we’re awake. I don’t want to give me number out on your comments so send me your email but that’s also my AOL nickname. I’m up at really crazy fucked up hours! And half delirious.

  • Karen says:

    Can you join a Mommy and Me class or a Gymbere type of thing? Or even go to the reading circle thing for kids at library – though 7 mons. would be kind of young for that. Hmmm, you can take a yoga, pottery, knitting or whatever class to meet other ladies in your town.

    All advice given by a person without children – so please take it with a grain of salt.

  • honeywine says:

    WTF? I thought all the mommies stuck together until someone said the wrong thing and it deteriorated into a myspace/high school “Can you believe she’s such a skank?” thing. Oh, maybe that’s just here.

    If you’re full of fun (and we know you are!), good luck finding anywhere to fit in. Sorry sweets.

    It’s been my experience that most organizations end up being the same high school shit with everybody in pissing contests. But maybe that’s because the one’s I’ve been in are pretty small (and non-baby related). I’m holding out hope for one of those damned red hats! Drunk and on estrogen replacements…I smell fun! And the need for bail!

    Here’s one I wish my BFF had told me early on in my military exile: NEVER GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS. I got really chummy with my downstairs neighbor and then she went off her trolley. It got ugly.

    Most of my friends have been found through random meets, talking and not being afraid to say “Here’s my number.” It’s like dating. My real world BFF and I met at a July BBQ (only idiots have those in La. in July!) and we were the only people smart enough to go in under the air conditioning. At the end of the night, I got her number and gave her mine and I followed up a few days later with a phone call suggesting we hit the zoo with her boys.

    Alas, you’ve got to put yourself out there. You should have forced gay guy to talk to you despite your pants. For all you know, his look was given because he thought you wouldn’t talk to a gay man with a kid. We never really know what people are thinking.

    And if all else fails, you’ve always got us! Get your whiskey and a funky hat or mouse. We’ll worry about the bail later!

  • Dana says:

    I bemoaned the lack of Mommy friends close too until I hit upon the idea of joining the YMCA. It’s been the best thing ever for me. The girls are happy in the Y babysitting and I get time for me and occasionally a really long shower.

    That was the start, but it got better as Kate got bigger since now there are lots of Mommy & Me classes to go to (swimming and family gymnastics start at 6 months and 10 months respectively at our Y so there might be options for you and the kiddo). I’ve only got one mom that I actually do stuff with outside of class, but I do get adult contact during the day regardless so it’s totally worth it.

    Also, come spring the park is a great place to meet moms. My problems is that I’m usually to shy to approach anyone, but occasionally other moms have approached me so I know it happens.

  • Heather says:

    Good question. My problem isn’t finding ‘mommy’ friends, it’s finding ‘mommy’ friends who aren’t weird. I seem to attract the most bizarre mothers ever. Seriously. I have been handed phone numbers in the grocery store checkout lane, given addresses for play groups at the park, etc. but it’s always from the weirdest folk. I guess I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but I ain’t that desperate – yet.

    We did one of the gym classes that was kind of fun. I buddied up with a girl there, but we never met outside of the kids’ class. Really, though, do you have *time* for mom-friends?! And, hey, I’m a mom-friend! I count!

  • Jenn says:

    I spent the first 3 years of my time as a parent “real life” friendless. None of my friends had kids and, like yourself, most of my friends were guys with whom I had parted ways because girls don’t like their boyfriends hanging out with other girls. Who knew? Blah. So until my friends had children, all my mommy friend experiences were limited to the internet.

    Oh and I’m also with you on the whole being younger than all the other moms. When my son started preschool I thought it would be a great way to meet other moms. I’m the youngest and the least diva-ish of the bunch. Most of them won’t even speak to me. Snobby bitches.

    And all that just to say: I have no advice. Sorry! If you lived nearby then I assure you that I would love to partake in all the snark, lunch, and hilarious discussions of our lovers privates and sexcapades. And the other stuff you mentioned too. My real life mom friends now are kind of… boring.

  • Andria says:

    I’ve been a mom almost seven years and still no mom friends. If you find the key to mommy friend success, please clue me in.

    I, too, get along better with men than woman and got my yard tp-ed on a regular basis in HS as a result. I find here in Texas, the only women who want to be my friend are Mexican nannies, which is fine by me, I just don’t speak Spanish so the conversation is quite limited.

    I have more friends on the internet than my real life. At least I can be frumpy with them and they have no earthly clue.

  • Kristin says:

    I told you a long time ago, and I will tell you again…If you would start paying me a salary to be your friend, I could sit and talk with you all day long.

    When do I start?

  • Kristine says:

    I don’t really have any local friends. I live roughly an hour from where I grew up and some of the girls I went to high school with are still within driving distance, so we meet up once a month for dinner. Only one of them has children. And we never do play dates, it’s probably been 2 years since I’ve seen her children. The only “mommy friend” I have is actually a relative – and she’s the one who watched Landon during the day.

    I’d probably make more of an effort to meet more people if I didn’t work.

  • Kim says:

    i think playdates are silly beyond reproach. Don’t be hatin’ on me for saying that. If it works for you, great. It is like forced interaction for me. I have done it a few times only to leave with a bad taste in my mouth.

    I have only two other mommy friends. They would be my friends even if some of us did not have offspring. We do grown up stuff and our kids play while that happens. Sometimes we get the kids together for no reason related to the grown ups, but it’s nice when you like the parents…. #2 kid has friends from school and the parents are nightmares! I just can’t suck it up enough to invite them over, cuz I just don’t think we have enough to talk about to make anything meanfull come out of it.

    not sure I answered ANYTHING, but that is my story and history with the “dreaded play date”.

    I will say, the best parents I have met, are thru our Little League experience. But I only see them in the spring….. go figure.


  • Pauline says:

    Becky, I’ll be your mommy friend one day (hopefully!). I promise. 🙂

  • Manny says:

    Well, there is always a local park that you can go to. That really helps when I need a good pick me up. Seeing as how most of my clothes are unstained (ahem), I really relish the opportunity to pass judgement over the parents that managed to walk out of their homes and either crawl under or over every mirror in there. Oh, sorry, you’re trying to make friends huh? Ok, well the principle is still sound. Just go to wherever parents are likely to congregate: parks, malls (oops, strike that), coffee houses, Hooters (what?), you know, usual hangouts. If you have a dog/dogs, you might even want to try finding a dog park. This kills two birds with one stone: you get the dog and the kid tired, and you can make new friends that have pets of their own.

    If all else fails, whip out a boob.

  • becky says:

    Wow, you guys are making me feel like less of a loser. Thank you. Everywhere I go, I only see women alone with their kids. I even went as far as to do a search for “Mother’s Clubs” in our area and all I could find were some listings for some charity work. Which I’m not opposed to, and would like to do, but Alex probably wouldn’t be much help right now with that.

    I’ve considered going to the La Leche League meetings, but since I’m weaning him, I don’t know what I’d have to contribute any more.

    Shit, this stuff is hard.

  • kbreints says:

    I know! It is hard to make new friends as an adult. There have been several times when we have been somewhere as a family- and another family very similar to ours is there, we say hi and chat– but then never see them again…. how do you say– Can I call you sometime? So funny! It is like dating but worse!

    Luckily we live in a place close to all our friends that we have had for years, and everyone had kids at the same time. Work our very well.

  • Amy says:

    I only have two mommy friends. One lives over an hour away and the other is a nurse and works the night shift so it is virtually impossible to get together with her. My husband is always nagging at me and saying “why don’t you have any friends?”, he just doesn’t get it. It is NOT easy to make friends as an adult and definitely not when you have children. I find that being a young mom (26) that all the mothers around here are in their mid to late 30’s and I just don’t fit in with them at all. Add to that the fact that the people in New England aren’t always as friendly as I’d like them to be and well…I’m totally screwed. So… I totally feel your pain on this one. If you find a solution definitely let me know…I’ve been dying to meet some new people.

  • Jessi Louise says:

    Funny, I’ve been thinking the same things about how meeting other moms is worse than dating. “Hey there, you seem like just the witty, sarcastic woman I’m looking for! Here’s my number! BFF!”

  • Emily R says:

    I actually had cards made up, which is SO not me. But, everytime I met someone I liked, I did not have a pen and paper with me, so now I carry cards with all my contact info.

  • MissHannah says:

    I don’t have that many “mummy” or school gate friends even though I am of the same demographic as they are (mid thirties, middle/employed class) I just don’t cope well with how judgemental women can be generally. If you are a younger mum you can attribute it to that (those old snobs!) but imagine how hard it is to be their age and STILL not fit in!(Apparently a mid thirties woman should not listen to MArilyn MAnson with her children in the car, or buy clothes from Primark. But I digress)

    I have a few real life real friends and we get together when we can. The ones who have kids bring their kids, its all good when we eventually catch up.Working gets in the way but then I guess that means I do see a lot of other adults.

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