Mommy Wants Vodka

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Not Just Stupid, But Annoying Too!


I have food issues.

I like to think of them as sort of cute lil quirks, you know, the sort of thing that makes me endearing rather than annoying, but having lived with a foodie (The Guy On My Couch) and a pseudo-foodie (The Daver), I’ve come to realize that my food issues are more on the oh-my-God-you-are-so-weird spectrum. But hey, at least I have kicky hair.

See, while I happen to love fruit, I can’t look at canned fruit. In fact, the smell of canned fruit makes me heave histrionically. Actually, most things in cans repulse me. I’d rather go hungry than eat canned food. Which means when the Zombie Apocalypse happens, I’m gonna die. Immediately. Well, if I’m not raptured.

Hey, it’s possible.

(so is John C Mayer being un-douchey, the sun rising in the west and squirtable cheese in a can.)(…WAIT A MINUTE)

Anyway. Food issues.

They include a distrust of cream based salad dressing (especially thousand island, which appears to be the direct creation of Satan’s bunghole) and other creamy things in a can. Especially mayonnaise. The very thought of mayonnaise may ruin my appetite for mere moments at a time!

Mayonnaise is just so…so…WRONG.

A couple of months ago, The Guy On My Couch agreed to make me spinach and artichoke dip without the artichokes because who the hell likes those? (apparently most people who are not me). As I was off scouring the sale-rack for half-price Pop Rocks, The Guy On My Couch sneakily purchased a tub ‘o’ Mayo. I didn’t see it until we were in the car because he was being all stealth-like about it – he knew I’d overrule him and put back the mayo.

One morning, before he had a real job, I asked him to make the dip for breakfast.

Aunt Becky: “Hey, can you make the spinach dip now?”

The Guy On My Couch: “Sure.”

Aunt Becky: “You can’t put mayo in it.”

The Guy On My Couch: “Just…don’t come into the kitchen.”

Aunt Becky: “Why?”

The Guy On My Couch (shuffles feet around): “There’s a zombie in there.”

Aunt Becky (runs for the mustard): “Oh my GOD, REALLY? BATTEN DOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING HATCHES!”

The Guy On My Couch: “Um….yeah!”

Aunt Becky: “You’re going to put mayo in the dip, aren’t you?”


Aunt Becky: (glares) “Nice try.”

The Guy On My Couch (preens): “THANKS!”

Aunt Becky: “On second thought, let’s go get donuts.”

Now that tub of white goo that looks mysteriously like spooge has sat in my lazy Susan for months, unopened. I’m sure as shit not going to open it up and grab out a nice big spoonful and if someone were to do it in my presence, I’d probably sit there making barfy noises until they opted to go into the other room. I’d, of course, follow them and continue heaving.

(my six word memoir? “Not just stupid, but annoying too!”)

The problem is this:

Aunt Becky wanders into the kitchen and, upon gazing lovingly at the box of Equal, notices a white tub of goo:


*Grabs can and spoon*


Rinse, repeat, every two or three days. God BLESS you Topamax for wiping my short-term memory. So glad I can still recall every phone number I’ve ever had but cannot manage to remember where I left my pants or how to update my blog.

I’m aware that the “smart thing” to do would be to dump the mayo once and for all, but no one has EVER accused me of being smart unless they were being particularly sarcastic, which, who could blame them?

Now if you don’t mind, I have a tub of Marshmallow Fluff waiting for me….

….oh right. Never mind.

So what’s going on with YOU, Pranksters? What’s YOUR six word memoir?

posted under I Suck At Life
42 Comments to

“Not Just Stupid, But Annoying Too!”

  1. On May 1st, 2012 at 11:58 am Andie Says:

    My six-word memoir: “I didn’t plan that very well.”

    I have a certain friend who has a certain guy on her couch, both of whom might be able to relate to this.

  2. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:08 pm CycleNinja Says:

    I just started logging my food intake yesterday again, since my button-down shorts don’t fit anymore. And then today, I go to Wendy’s for drive-through. Amazingly, I’m down to ingesting water for the remainder of the day.

  3. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:14 pm justkeepinitrealfolks Says:

    So glad to hear someone else has brain freeze because of Topomax. Gotta love that magic poiion though!!! I haven’t had a migraine in 3 years!!!

  4. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:16 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Hahahah I don’t like Mayo much, either. Though I’ve learned to tolerate it in certain things, like deviled eggs. Because that shit is delicious.

  5. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:18 pm Rachel Says:

    While I’m not a hater of the mayo, I can’t imagine the disgust of thinking I was ingesting marshmallow fluff to find out it was really mayo… *gags Though, I do agree with you about all canned foods… *barf

    My six word memoir, I actually started writing about it last night – great timing! Still Climbing out of the Darkness

    Now, go throw away the mayo and buy a real jar of marshmallow fluff!

  6. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:23 pm Bubbe Says:

    I don’t hate mayo, but it MUST be Best Foods. Don’t give me any of that Kraft mayo or Miracle Whip – blech!

    To be clear, I DO NOT spoon the mayo out and into my mouth – that’s nasty. I DO mix it into egg salad, deviled eggs (waves at Gia) and potato salad. Plus it makes cake mixes really moist and who doesn’t like moist cake? Hmm, was it me or did that sound just a little um, provocative? Just me? Okay, I can live with that. 🙂

  7. On May 1st, 2012 at 1:26 pm Melissa Says:

    PSA – Best Foods is also Hellmans

  8. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:31 pm Missy Says:

    My six word memoir:

    Bitch be crazy up in here

  9. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:42 pm Lisa Blendowski Says:

    My six word memoir:
    I am NOT a F*&#ing FREAK! – latest post will explain

  10. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:44 pm Jaime Says:

    I HATE artichokes… they are effing nasty. ..but thousand island dressing.. it’s like a gift from the gods!

  11. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:45 pm Linda Sand Says:

    You can make mayonnaise in your blender. Then it doesn’t come out of a can. It’s mostly egg and olive oil; you eat those, right?

  12. On May 1st, 2012 at 12:48 pm Maria Says:

    Thinking of Spike, the flatmate, in Notting Hill movie. The one character that makes the movie worth watching, imo. He’s in the kitchen, spooning pale goo into his mouth, and comments:
    – This yoghurt is off.
    And then Hugh-Grant-as-always-character says:
    – It’s not yoghurt, it’s mayonnaise.
    – Oh, says Spike, and keeps eating…

    Love you Becky. And totally understand the Marshmallow fluff trauma.


  13. On May 1st, 2012 at 1:07 pm Tonya Says:

    My six-word memoir: “Hold my beer and watch me!” . This and “That looked better on paper.” are actually my families mottos. This is why our family reunions usually end in flames, but they sure are fun!

  14. On May 1st, 2012 at 1:46 pm Jenn Says:

    Wait, am I married to you? You are really a 6’2″ redheaded man, right?

    We do not have mayo in the house. I had to tell him he was NOT allowed to trash the small jar of mayo that my sister-in-law bought when they were staying with us until after they left. He did it as soon as we dropped them off at the airport.

    He also has a phobia of sour cream, which I think is the condiment of the gods. He even complains when I make him buy it at the grocery store. After he took over the cheesecake making responsibilities (yes, there was an incident. no, I have no idea how I set the cheesecake on fire), he realized that sour cream was an important ingredient. He now basically holds his breath, dashes to the fridge, gets it out, spoons it in with his eyes closed, turns on the egg beater, and then starts gagging.

  15. On May 1st, 2012 at 1:46 pm chrisinphx Says:

    My Memoir would be “WTF Is Wrong With You People?” It’s extra appropriate since I’m an HR Slave and I think it sooo many times durring the day.

  16. On May 1st, 2012 at 1:57 pm Melynda Says:

    You expect me to count to six?
    Fine. How about
    I hate stupid jars of mayo!
    I really do. I’m with you on this one. Except I think that is Satoan’s creation to cause massive coronaries.

  17. On May 1st, 2012 at 1:58 pm Kristin Says:

    You are seriously funny. That’s all.

  18. On May 1st, 2012 at 2:06 pm Tooks Says:

    Six word memoir?
    This is funny shit, y’all. Srsly.

  19. On May 1st, 2012 at 4:13 pm Brittany Says:

    She always seemed to give shit.
    TA-DA!!!! My uber awesome memoir. Oh yeah, bask in its memoir-y glory!

  20. On May 1st, 2012 at 6:11 pm nikkiana Says:

    I hate artichokes unless they’re in artichoke dip, and then they’re okay. No idea why.

  21. On May 1st, 2012 at 6:20 pm MommyTime Says:

    Even though you hate artichokes, which I LOVE, I still adore you. So i’m trying to play along here, but six-word memoirs are hard. How about: “I don’t say no often enough” or “This will be a quick project.” I’ll leave you to guess which one should be written in sarcasm font.

  22. On May 1st, 2012 at 7:04 pm blissflower1969 Says:

    My six word memoir? Following my bliss; lost the map.

    PS- I LOVE artichokes! Yumm-o. And you can make artichoke spinach dip without mayo. Just use cream cheese and parmesean.

  23. On May 1st, 2012 at 8:28 pm Kate Major Says:

    Mayonnaise and whomever invented it are my arch-nemeses. Followed closely by ketchup, yellow mustard and Ranch Dressing, whatever the fuck that is supposed to be. And canned fruits and vegetables are slimy and squishy and unfit for human consumption.

  24. On May 1st, 2012 at 8:30 pm Kate Major Says:

    Six word memoir: You bitches can suck my ass

  25. On May 1st, 2012 at 10:47 pm Kathleen Says:

    6 word memoir… hmmmmm… Oh yeah, “Fuck that! Let’s do this! …. Sparkly!” There are days I have a shorter attention span than your average gnat. No, I don’t know how long your average gnat’s attention span is. Just that sometimes mine is shorter.

  26. On May 1st, 2012 at 10:52 pm Kate Says:

    I would totally eat mayo straight from the jar. (I feel the need for one of those black bars across my eyes).

  27. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:17 am Devan Says:

    I heart mayo a great deal. (hey, can that be my 6 word memo?)
    Maybe one of the reasons I’m a fat chick…I’ve been known to eat a mayo sandwich on white bread (the yummy devil). Miracle Whip is NOT mayo!!! If I wanted that nastyness, I’d just leave some mayo out to go bad, then I’d have Miracle Whip. GROSS!
    I also love sour cream and artichoke (in something like dip).
    Also, you’re hilarious AB!

  28. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:42 am Terri E Says:

    How awesome to rad that others have food issues! After I threw up from reading about Mayo so much, I knew I would come to the comments and see others who think Mayo is a sickness….Personally, I believe all condiments are just wrong and will not ever pass these lips……ok, one exception, ketchup with my fries please…
    I dont eat Chinese, or other foods that have chunks of stuff I’ve never encountered….unidentifiable chunks are apparently keeping me from really enjoying so many wonders of food — sez all my pals who thinks chunks of “whatever” are dandy and tasty too…
    S’ok, I will live without that joy, cause I am OLD, and got to see ALL the concerts, so I feel blessed enough in this life to never, ever, EVER put chunks of whatever down my gullet…I think I know what I’m missing…..

  29. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:00 am Terri E Says:

    damn, forgot my six words…..

    Suck my dick you inbred muthafucker.
    (that’s the one I will prob go down for, I’ll say it, and that inbred muthafucker will pop a cap in my liberal ass and I will die–if he ever figures out why I said suck my dick when I am clearly a chick he was gonna buy a drink for…cuz I prob wont be able to stop at “suck my dick….” )

    Your filthy jammiepants unleashed my beast,
    (thats for when I go postal at my local post office or grocery store when I just cant stand to see supposed evolved humans being twonks every motherfucking time I go there….its coming you dumb ignorant racists homophobes I am surrounded by here in the sticks..)

    Intolerance of intolerant fucks is hard.

    I hate all you stupid fucks.

    and the one that sums it up:
    Surrounded by idiots, I rose above…..

  30. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:03 am Terri E Says:

    sheeesh, pls pardon the hell outta my typos, etc….I was getting carried away!

  31. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:13 am Lynda M O Says:

    I try. It sux. Game over?

  32. On May 2nd, 2012 at 7:00 am Kerri Says:

    First, I love me some mayo. Second, I love me some spinach artichoke dip. These two things are never supposed to be as one. There is NO MAYO IN SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP. That’s just nasty. It’s cheese, and cheese and more cheese. And garlic.

  33. On May 2nd, 2012 at 7:45 am Kalerae Says:

    Mayo and fries is ah-maze-Ing! I can see how it looks gross, but in this case, looks are deceiving. Unlike olives. They look and taste like turd pellets.
    My six words?
    You don’t know me you mutherfucker. This is said silently every time someone feels the need to pass along judgement, unsolicited advice or unwanted opinions. I’m working on saying it in my outbound voice….especially to the in-laws.

  34. On May 2nd, 2012 at 8:24 am Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    There are at least 3 things a true Southern gal sticks to when it comes to food: 1. Real Hellman’s mayo (not light or low fat or any crazy flavor additions). 2. Bacon fat – just store it in the fridge for all occasions. 3. Real butter, not margarine. You’d be better off eating the plastic tub than whatever is in that margarine container.

    Other items to have on hand: boiled peanuts, eggs, whole milk, and grits.

  35. On May 2nd, 2012 at 9:45 am Chelle Says:

    My six word memoir:

    I did NOT interrupt you again!

    Everybody in my life seems to think I can’t shut up. Wait. Maybe that’s my memoir. Why Can’t I Fucking Shut Up?

  36. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:17 pm Dorothy Says:

    On my way. Lost the map.

  37. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:12 pm Neeroc Says:

    Aunt Becky, say it ain’t so! Who doesn’t love the creamy? And the mayo?

    My personal food ew is meat that can sit on the shelf for years. Or in open containers. This precludes me from ‘enjoying’ both spam and hotrods (or any other type of pepperette)

    I need to go cry the ugly cry now.

    My six word memoir: I can’t count

  38. On May 2nd, 2012 at 7:34 pm Julie Says:

    Wait! Topamax wipes out your short term memory???? Shit! I’ve only been on it a week and si far my headache is much more tolerable, but I’m also all tingly and the corner of my left eyeball is all stabbity. And I forget what I’m saying in the middle of a sentence. And it takes 15 minutes to write a seven sentence comment. And I forget how to count sentences.

    Six word memoir? “I am so totally screwed. Help?”

  39. On May 2nd, 2012 at 9:06 pm Marta Says:

    My husband has the strangest mayo aversion. I mean he will literally not touch silverware that has been touched by mayonnaise. I have to wash it separately myself and can’t put it in the dishwasher to touch other things and accidentally him. He leaves the room if there’s mayonnaise in it. Its the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.

    “Probably should have married for money. “

  40. On May 3rd, 2012 at 9:59 am katrina Says:

    …some days chicken, some days feathers……

  41. On May 3rd, 2012 at 9:59 am katrina Says:

    …some days chicken, some days feathers……

  42. On May 4th, 2012 at 12:24 am Janis Says:

    I can’t seem to convince my stepdad that mayonaise does NOT belong in guacamole. Sigh.

    Six words? I can’t stop being an artist.

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