The January Theme for Band Back Together’s Bringing Happy Back Project/Make 2011 My Bitch is “Looking For Small Things To Make Ourselves Happy.”

I’d petitioned for “Kicking Things In The Crotch,” but was vetoed. AGAIN. SIGHS.

There are many small things that make me happy. Rocks, for example are small and make me happy. So do snails. Because they’re fucking cute.

But what made me extra-Happy-Dance-Booty-Shuffle-Around-The-House-After-I-Stopped-Laughing kind of happy was this:

3 Epic Wolf Shirts on Amazon

See, after I’d gleefully showed you that my soul does, in fact, look like an Epic Fucking Wolf (also: Adam has a pretty lady hand), I’d gotten a comment from Dustbag saying that if I read all of the reviews on Amazon for something called a “Three Wolf Shirt,” he would buy me this Epic Fucking 3 Wolf Shirt.


How could I resist a shirt that would cure cancer? And baldness? And WORLD FUCKING HUNGER?

This shirt simply had to be mine, Pranksters. It had to be!

My migraines could vanish! My laziness would be a thing of the past! Why if I could simply own this shirt, I would be a SUPERMODEL with MY OWN REALITY SHOW! (side note: I do not want a reality show) No longer would I have to suffer in mediocrity any longer!



So I read the reviews, and Dustbag, Dustbag knew what the fuck he was talking about. HILARIOUS. I told him so, as I scrounged up loose change from under the dryer and behind the couch so that I too could become one of the pack. I didn’t actually assume Dustbag would follow through on his Offer Of Awesome.

But he did. On Saturday, bright and blurry, this wee nugget of awesome fell into my inbox.

And now, now I know my destiny involves this Epic 3 Wolf Shirt.

I wonder not if, but WHERE I should get the matching tattoo. And who can possibly put together a new Wolf-Themed Blog Design. And if it’s too late to rename my kids “Canis” and “Lupis.” I wonder if I should change my name to Mommy Wants Epic Wolves. Or what I will do once I conquer the Internet with my Wolf Pack.

What I do know, is that in addition to my “Thinking Hat,”

Ms. Justin Timberlake

I’ll be wearing this when I blog (You may want to put on sunglasses, lest you be BLINDED by the AWESOME):

Three Wolf Shirt

My only complaint is that it’s not bedazzled.

When I was nearly burned by the awesomeness of the “Order Now” button, I saw this. And I think I may have to buy it. For special occasions, like when my Epic Wolf shirt is being washed (twice a year):

Purple Unicorn Shirt

*the next time I get a blobber asking me how to be a Famous Blobber, I am simply pointing them to the Epic 3 Wolf Shirt.

55 thoughts on “Not For Mere Mortals. Like My Abs.

  1. Honest to god, my kids will quote reviews from the 3 Wolves shirt when they think I am yanking their chain on the relative merits of something.

    If I tell them that the meal I have laid before them is a quality nutrition product, they will ask, “But will it keep zombies away? Like the three wolves shirt?”

    I should never had goddamn taught them to read. Or, let public education teach them how to read.

    What the hell was I thinking?

  2. For full blob world domination the 3 wolf shirt MUST be bedazzled. Its magic powers can only be fully revealed when the moon crystals (left boob) are rubbed and caressed in a counter clockwise direction. This is not a myth….what I speak of is truth.

  3. I’ve been looking for little things that make me happy and writing them down, folding them into cranes, and photographing them for my FB page. It’s harder than you’d think, some days, to come up with even a small thing that makes you smile, but it’s worth it. Good luck with your January project! I have 39 down, 961 to go…

  4. Bedazzling a tshirt is a very simple step involving fabric glue and glitter. There is no way you could actually fuck this up soooo (1) buy glue (2) buy glitter (3) put glue on shirt (4) put glitter on glue (5) Epic 3 Wolf Shirt made EVEN MORE EPIC!!

    Just helping ya out girl! (as somebody who used to paint clothes)

  5. That shirt is all kinds of wow! I’ve been also looking for things that make me happy. You know what? Besides the funny things that the kids say, TV is going a pretty good job of making me laugh. Like the REal Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yeah, I might be a little blue, but at least I’m not a hot mess like Camille.

  6. holy son of a bitch!!! my boss has the EXACT same shirt, and she wears it to work regularly.

    also, the unicorn shirt= EPIC!

  7. I’m freakin’ crying, I’m laughing so hard. *ahem* I mean, I’m blinded by the sheer awesomeness of your Epic Wolves. Please, please, please for the love of all things blobber holy, put the thing on and take a pic for your most loyal fans, Aunt Becky. We deserve to see these magical beauties howling glory cries up at your magnificent face. LMFAO! Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    1. YES! Aunt Becky you MUST take a pic of yourself in your thinking hat and wolf shirt. MUST….
      however I wonder, do you order a shirt to cover or reveal your new abs…decisions decisions.

  8. That 3 wolf shirt is amazeballs! Someone showed me that last year and I actually had to read all of the reviews too because I needed to understand the awesomeness that is the 3 wolf shirt! And that unicorn shirt…holy monkey balls of awesomeness!

  9. Wow! This made my day! I have to admit I never expected to see THIS in a blog post. I kind of assumed that you were routinely showered in gifts by your adoring fans and others held in the spell of you and your spirit animals, and that this would simply be another token on the large pile of swag you routinely accumulate.

    It makes me glad that: 1) I almost made you pee yourself from laughing reading those reviews of the shirt; and b) I can then make you ‘extra-Happy-D-B-S-A-T-H-A-I-S-Laughing’ with a t-shirt (granted, a too powerful for mere mortals with flabby abs t-shirt).

    Also, in case you missed it, the ‘Kid’s Drawing’ card template from Amazon also has Spirit Wolf! And snakes (I think). And what is either a large fish, bug, or purple vagina on a tree trunk.

    Anyway, you now owe us all a picture of you at work with your Thinking Hat and your 3 Wolf T-Shirt. It is an awesome power and responsibility you now have assumed, and it must be repaid (its the rules of the shirt, disobey at your own peril).


  10. HOW can you narrow it down to just one shirt? or even TWO??
    There’s this one that has the whole aura thing going on:
    and the first review of this baby
    shows that you can be a lone wolf who CHOOSES to be around others. I mean, how true is that?! You don’t NEED others, you. are. THE. wolf.
    Eye of the tiger baby.

  11. Does Dustbag understand what they’ve done? I’m fairly sure that shirt has just made you unstoppable! An unstoppable blobber of sparkling epicness if you have your way with the bedazzler! Where will it end?

  12. LOVE IT!!! My husbands Softball team last year had the same wolf shirts. The guys loved them, so did my 1 year old. She would start barking when she saw her daddy wearing the shirt. hahaha! The unicorn one is AWESOME!

  13. I may never forgive you for not posting a link to the unicorn shirt that is made of AWESOME! I need that! And I need to cut my bangs again so I can curl them and tease the fuck out of them and use a full can of Aqua Net on them. I’m off now to search for that awesome shirt.

  14. This post made me so gleeful that I’m commenting from my phone- from bed, at 4:11am. Which is a pain in the ass- but so worth it!

  15. This post made me so gleeful that I’m commenting from my phone- from bed, at 4:11am. Which is a pain in the ass- but so worth it!

  16. you like snails too!? It’s really just their cute-ass shell since their slimy bodies are gross.

    that’s why I am sharing this alltime high level cute shell video with you. Because 1. it fits your theme of things that make me happy (shells/snails with no gross slime bodies) AND 2. because it rocks the house.

  17. OMG! I dated a guy who had that shirt! See, the Epic 3 Wolf Shirt *does* get you women! Alas, he was too full of the awesome (his Diablo skillz, man, outta sight!) and I had to leave, demanding bitch of a girlfriend I was, wanting attention and The Sex all the freakin’ time. Epic 3 Wolf Shirt Men deserve better!

  18. Best of all… you could get t-shirts for your whole family — they come in kids’ sizes, too!!!!!!! Then take a picture!!!! How awesome would that be? You’re welcome.

  19. My daughter would never take that unicorn shirt off. Seriously. Those are totally epic shirts. So awesome. Purpley pinkish rainbow unicorn awesomeness… I may gag all the way to the store to buy one. My daughter is the only way I can stand pink girly things. Oh what I put up with for the sake of motherhood and all that.

  20. You need to get some fabric glue and a shit-ton of glitter and glitterize those shirts! I think it’s against the law or something to have a unicorn shirt without any glitter on it.

  21. Oh dear. Why did my husband totally have that wolves shirt when we were dating….

    but in PURPLE! (Actually, kind of like a combo of the two shirts you put up!)ha

    Ohhhh, memories.

    Sadly, it doesn’t fit him anymore. 🙁

  22. you are too freaking hilarious. had to comment even though i lurk you on the regular.

    apparently those 3wolf shirts are popular among the masses. not sure why. but you need to get that unicorn shirt. like, now.

  23. Yo Aunt Becky….has anyone told you about the tshirt that features the keyboard cat in the epic 3 wolf theme? It is …well, in the words of a friend of mine… ‘a whole lot about not right’ Translation: priceless, funny, twisted and only makes sense to a small wedge of the population that I happen to relate. If you are interested you can find it at a website called . I’m not affliated with them in anyway…I just think they have some funny stuff and happen to have the keyboard cat tshirt there.

  24. *snort*! I passed that link around my office a few years ago. I loved my workplace of construction types. Until they laid a lot of us off. But still I loved my boss and my guys and they loved me back (probably because of the internet memes in their inboxes, but still….it’s a talent). So much, that when I got a NEW job, they called me on “Admistrative Professional’s Day” and wanted to take me to lunch. My new douchebag bosses hadn’t offered, so I rolled. And I arrived to find all 3 of them standing there waiting for me….WEARING THESE SHIRTS. Yes, I broke bread with *THREE* men wearing this. One wouldn’t take his sunglasses off because “The awesome would be too much”.
    I <3 those guys! 🙂

  25. Dear GOD you have cheesy taste in clothing. But I love you anyway!! And so what if that shirt isn’t bedazzled? Get busy, woman! You have tons of free time on your hands, right? Right???

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