A list of things that just Piss Me Off, in no particular order:

1. People who pull out from the side of the road directly in front of me when there are no cars behind me so that I have to SLOW DOWN. If you know me, you know that I hate most things that impede my ability to drive fast.

2. People who use blogs as a personal forum for complaining about their lives, and then get incensed that people read it and may have an opinion about it. If you don’t want the Internet to know that you hate anal sex, have trichomoniasis, or like to beat off goats, DON’T PUT IT ON THE INTERNET. Plain and simple.

3. The terminology associated with being a wine connoisseur. I have no problem whatsoever with people liking particular or good wine, but listening to them talk about things like “smooth rounded tannic finish” makes me want to give myself a root canal with my fingernails. Maybe I’m embittered because I’ve been to a number of wine classes and never been able to understand or care what is said. Come to think of it, the only reason I went was to get drunk at 9am on a Saturday. No wonder I didn’t listen.

4. Cheerful people who tell me dumb things like, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Seriously, I’ll take those motherfucking lemons and make me an ass-whuppin’.

5. People who have to bring up politics in standard, garden- variety, small talk. The proper forum is key, here. Don’t take the statement “Nice day today” to bring up things like global warming or the oil crisis. If I had wanted to discuss that, I’d have said so.

6. Belly shirts. I hate this poor excuse for fashion trend, as it is never, Ever, EVER utilized by people who should be wearing them. Trust me, sweetcheeks, no one wants to see your (or mine) spare tire. It’s unsightly and nauseating.

7. People who take themselves That Seriously. Anyone I’ve ever met who has taken themselves So Seriously has never really known what Serious is. Take a step back, knock of the pretentiousness and get yourself together, people, it isn’t that hard!

8. I forget what eight was for.

9. Kevin Federwhatshisname. We all hate Britney’s man, but seriously I think he may be the most useless piece of wasted space ever to have graced the limelight. Have you HEARD his new song? Terrible doesn’t BEGIN to describe the bleeding that my ears did when I first heard it. GOD, he makes me ITCH!

10. The “Healthy” Menu at McDonald’s. I had the foresight to check out what would be BEST if I ate at the bestest restaurant in the world, and I was AMAZED at how awful their healthy shit is for you. You’re better off with a cheeseburger.

11. People who feel totally sorry for themselves for all of the Awful, Terrible, Horrible things that have happened in their lives and use that as a Victim Card to excuse their bad behavior.

12. Jello. Because really? There’s so often no room for it.

3 thoughts on “Opinions Are Like Assholes, After All

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