My daughter needs teeth, Internet. MAYBE EVEN DENTURES.

Now I know, I probably told you when I was very heavily ninety-billion months pregnant confidently that I just KNEW that my fetus was teething. I’m sure I was cocky and confident and annoying about it because I’ve HAD babies before and therefore I am an EXPERT on my babies and I just KNEW my fetus was teething my her kicking patterns in the womb.

Then, at 4 months of age, which is when the baby books say that some babies begin popping some out, I was just certain she was teething. The rivers of drool coursed down her adorable pink onesies, drenching us and her, and causing some really disgusting looking rashes if left unchanged. Also, she was kind of a jerk sometimes.

It HAD to be teething. I KNEW it.

After all, BEN popped out a set of chompers at that age. And yet, nope. Not a tooth in sight.

You’d think that I would have learned from Alex’s example. Alex, he of the Asshole Baby phenomenon. Now, before you tie me up at the stake and burn me to a crisp, let me assure you that Alex and I are thick as THIEVES. Honestly, the child is my clone* and there’s not a damn thing I wouldn’t do for him. As a baby, though, I’m pretty sure that he was part Asshole, but he’s grown out of it.

I blamed his *ahem* temperament, though, on teething. For 9 long months, I claimed he was teething (the first 3 were a write off) and still, nothing emerged from his mouth besides the occasional regurgitation of breast milk and the near constant scream. Unless, of course, I was holding him. I alone could soothe the salvage beast within**.

Flattering, until it’s suffocating.

Shortly after his first birthday, he popped a whole mouth of teeth out, going from looking like an old man to JAWS from James Bond overnight. It was weird as hell.

I’m imagining that’s the way Mimi is going too, although with all of her weird bone issues, maybe I will have to invest in some baby dentures, which, you have to admit would be kind of freaking adorable. I can just see them floating in her nightstand in a wee glass. Perfect ickle baby teeth, suspended in water. Maybe I’ll buy her gold and diamond teeth as a consolation. You know, like a baby grill.

She can release a hardcore rap album about life in the suburbs. And drive around in her pimped out Escalade Power Wheels with tinted windows.

Until then, we’ll subsist on weird creepy Gerber purees and I’ll pretend that one of these days I’m going to start making baby foods because I’m going to pretend that I’m one of Those Parents (I can barely be bothered to order take-out or eat anything myself these days). And I’ll just TELL her about the cool stuff she can eat when she gets teeth.

Like…uh all the stuff her brothers (or her mother) won’t eat. Damn toddler food battles.


How are YOU today, Internet? Come gather ’round Aunt Becky’s dining room table and please, just wipe away the dust. She’s found that there’s no diet like the Topamax/flu diet and man, oh, man if she had a scale, she might notice that she’s lost upwards of 0.5 pounds! (or not)

*I was an Asshole Baby and many people would swear that I’m STILL an Asshole, so, you know, like mother, like son. Except Alex is NOT an asshole now. He’s a love.

**He’s still a Momma’s boy, and I swear that I turn into a gooey pile of mush when he demands that I “cuddle him” and then says, “I WUV my Mommy.” Somehow, it’s all worth it.



104 thoughts on “Next Thing You Know, I’ll Be Buying A Baby Grill. And Some Wee Bling.

  1. I am much better now that I have the image of baby grillz in my head. Although I must admit, the image of baby dentures floating in a glass perched by her crib kinda creeped me out.

    1. It kind of creeped me out too, actually. Dentures kind of creep me out in general, although I think admitting that means that all of my teeth are bound to rot out of my head within the next 48 hours.

  2. Late appearance of baby teeth can actually be diagnostic of certain heritable genetic…issues…such as the one my kids and I all have. Has a dentist ever commented on your older kids’ enamel?

  3. Just think. When it’s time to nurse, you can pop ’em out! All the moms will stare at you enviously as they rub their sore sore nipples wincing at the thought of feeding the baby AGAIN while you skip away to feed Mimi, secure in the knowledge that YOUR nipples are safe from the ravages of baby teeth.

      1. it just occured to me that grillz? they’re bedazzled teeth.

        you want to bedazzle your kid’s teeth. there is a line, Aunt Becky, and i’m afraid you may be crossing it.

        i applaud your spirit of adventure.

  4. Love the idea of a baby grill. My kids sprouted teeth in groups every few months. They suddenly had 4 teeth at 4 months, then suddenly at 9 months another 5 appeared overnight, then there were all these molars at 14 months. They seem to be losing the baby teeth on a very long and drawn out schedule though.

  5. baby dentures! how cool would that be? my oldest was born with a tooth it went away after a couple of days it was totally awesome till I tried nursing:-)

  6. Maybe the children have REALLY thick gums – the teeth are there but they can’t break through, which hurts and makes them cranky. Since Ben didn’t have this problem, clearly it is all the Daver’s fault. Make him pay…

  7. I LOVE the baby grill. My daughter just popped her first two teeth at 18 months! I was going crazy with internet searches for all of the horrible conditions that could be causing it and was particularly horrified by one where the child would need dentures and a wig. But picturing my nearly bald, toothless baby sporting a toupee and some fake pearly whites just cracked me up!

    1. Sometimes all that you can do is laugh. I found out later (after my dentist was raising the alarms at Alex not getting his baby teeth until his first birthday) that it was a sign of some serious conditions.

      But the dentures, that’s HYSTERICAL. A big set of chompers and a huge wig? AWESOME.

  8. I’m doing just splendid. I took the kids to get their hair cut today (I only do it for their birthdays and Christmas holidays…this being the Christmas holiday cut…I know a bit early). Anyway, my son normally squirms and squiggles and complains away the entire time. This time…he just sat there and actually smiled! I’m pleased as punch!

    1. Now THAT is a good day. Alex got his first salon hair cut (normally I mangle it) and he looks like Frankenstein. It’s AWFUL.

      Glad to know that some kids behave better than he does. Poor Alex probably won’t ever enjoy it. But then again, I don’t either.

  9. Baby Grill
    Baby Dentures
    Pimp Stick
    Baby Bling

    Baby Tattoo!!!! some $$$$$ or Notorious MiMi in Gothic script across her back!
    You go Baby Girl!

    Good thing no one can see me at work as I smile and chuckle to myself.

    This sounds like the making of one awesome Halloween costume – next year???

  10. Mine’s been teething, for, I SWEAR, three months straight. And they’re still not all the way through. There’s a glimpse of whiteness peeking through, but mostly, there’s just the SCREAMING all. night. long.

    I’m freaking exhausted and ready to head for the hills.

    aren’t you glad you asked?

    I hope Mimi’s pop through in short order. Do me a favor and wish the same for me.

  11. Your baby needs teeth and my son is DYING to lose some…. at least one. Because everybody else in the first grade has a vacancy in their smile where a tooth used to be and now The Boy is feeling like he’s missing out on something. Like there is a not-losing-a-tooth conspiracy taking place. He’s resorted to pushing and pulling on his chompers, trying to force the issue but without luck.

    And that’s what he gets for pissing on the floor.

    1. Bwahahahahahaha! Payback for the soggy ass! I love it!

      Poor Ben has lost his front top and bottom, but has all the rest stuck solidly in place. Poor kid is going to be waiting for a long while for the Tooth Fairy.

    1. Ah the biting! Alex actually didn’t bite me (late teether) but I hear that sucks. Mimi weaned herself awhile ago, but you poor thing. My nipples shrunk in agony just THINKING about that.


  12. Are you going to turn her sippy cup, into a PIMP cup? Bring on the BLING!!! I know how you loves the sparkles.

    Mack had all of her teeth, up to 1 year molars by the time she was 6 months old, cut the first one at 6 weeks old. The kid had lots, and lots of teeth, and no freaking hair. She was also that kid in kindergarten that had NO teeth, since hers came in so early.

    I’ve decided that I will be really sad when Mea’s teeth start falling out, because I think she has the most adorable teeth in the world. I honestly think it’s one of her cutest features. I am weird, but they really are cute, she looks like a baby vampire.

    1. I should totally bling out the sippy cup because she’s enamored with Alex’s sippy cup! GOOD CALL!

      Ben was born with what appeared to be a toupee on his head where Mimi and Alex had only a little bit of hair at birth. Now, she’s kind of rockin’ the mullet.

      Baby Vampire teeth are all the rage now! Super cute.

  13. Of course I’m a dumbass and was like, “A baby grill? Like a George Foreman? Those are pretty small.”


    But I hear you on the teething thing. My son is 20 months old and has tons of teeth left to get. I think he’s doing it on purpose.

  14. I have to admit that my first thought when you talked about buying Mimi a baby grill was that time on “The Girls Next Door” when Kendra got a grill (yeah, I watched a few episodes – only the ones with the ‘original’ girls (is there such a thing?) because, as much as it pains me to type this, they were like fucking rocket scientists compared to the drooling blonde amoebae Hef hooked up with this time). So now I have this horrible image of Mimi partying at the Mansion with Hef’s crygenically preserved head in 20 years.

    Augh! Bleach! Idodine! Disinfectant!

    1. Dude. I know. I KNOW. And you’re so right. See, I LOVED the original Girls Next Door and I tried to watch it this season and I just can’t get into it. Let’s just say that I hope that my daughter has a bit more ambition that dating the head of Hugh Hefner.

      Or if she doesn’t, she’s at least clear that she’s doing it for the money. Not because she LOVES him or something.

  15. Before you go to Paul Wall to get those kids fitted with some bling blong, do you think any of them will pop some wisdom teeth?
    Did you or The Daver have wisdom teeth?

    That was the bane of my teenage existence: Being hormonal AND teething! Fuck!

    1. I SO had wisdom teeth and I had to have mine removed because they were all kinds of impacted. My jaw is the size of that of a small child. Which is probably giving you an ooky mental picture. Sorry about that.

      Did you have to get yours out?

  16. My mom says I was the biggest asshole baby on the planet. I remember too, because when she had to go to the hospital to give birth to my moron brother, I was so pissed I didn’t talk to her for an entire WEEK, and I was 2 years old.

    1. OH EM GEE.

      Are you sure we weren’t separated at birth? Because I did the same exact thing when my asshole brother was born. At 2 years old. I gave in to my dad after about 3 days, but my mom? Not a fucking word for a week.

      I wanted another dog. She brought home a screaming pink raisin.

      She deserved it.

    2. I was SUCH a dickhead baby. It’s still the topic of conversation around the holiday table: what an asshole I was. It’s okay, I’m over it. I’m still an asshole, I mean. It’s not very upsetting to know about yourself.

      Alex wasn’t mad about me bringing Mimi home. Or if he was, I was too upset about her being so sick to notice (I say “sick” but you know what I mean).

  17. My oldest son was an asshole baby, too! Just like me! When his teeth came in, he got the incisors first. He looked just like a vampire baby. How freaky!

    1. I think that’s what she’s getting! I saw some swelling on the side by where the incisors are located and I was all, “she’s SO teething” and….NOTHING.


      Vampire kids, indeed. Too bad she’s not in time for Halloween!

    My son, who is almost 10 months old, has been teething since MARCH!! His doctor felt that fucking little tooth, too!!! So, no, it was NOT my imagination. Neither are the late nights, drooling, crying, gnawing of hands, gumming everything in sight – including me!

    This tooth better come in with a diamond already implanted in it!

    ….it’s almost in – I can feel it!!!

    *shakes fist at sky*

    Loving the idea of pimping out his stroller tho.
    West Central Illinois cornfields…get a load of THIS bitches!!

    (by the way…I feed him whatever he will eat. he gums it like an old man eats apples! new favorite…green beans, and grilled cheese!! teeny tiny pieces, of course! loving REAL bananas, finally, too!)

    1. Isn’t it amazing when they start eating REAL FOOD!?! It’s like the skies open up and start raining down little tiny chunks of sunshine and rainbows. Because baby food is so gross and weird to me.

      And you’re SO RIGHT. It had BETTER come with a diamond it it!

  19. I think I’m going to have nightmares about baby dentures now. Thanks a lot. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about that little blonde kid from Pet Sematary. If I get killed tonight, it’s your fault.

  20. My daughter didn’t teeth at all until she was a year old. She was an asshole baby too. She cried all the time, puked all the time (darned reflux), and woke to eat every hour until she was 18 months old. OK so I did refuse to let her nurse at night at some point, but my sleep-deprived brain has blocked some of her infancy from me. I’m sure I’m not missing anything. She was a total harpy. Beautiful, though, and any time someone would comment on what a porcelain doll she was, I’d immediately offer her to them. Really, I love her to pieces, but she’s my clone in temperment. I have nobody to blame but me.

    Her brother was a perfectly lovely baby, thus lulling me into thinking a 2nd child would be just ducky. He also teethed like he’d read his baby book where it suggested the month each tooth should come in. Poof, no effort, there the tooth would be, right on schedule.

    I do love to cuddle my darlings whenever they’ll let me.

    1. In hindsight, I think Alex may have had Silent Reflux, or maybe he just was truly unhappy about Life Outside the Womb.

      Or maybe he’s just got an Asshole Streak, like me.

      Glad to hear that you have an Asshole Baby too. Makes me feel like less of a jerk. Because I love him anyway. Seriously, not a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for him.

  21. Ethan was also of the Asshole-ish persuasion of which you speak, and I too blamed it on teething. After I blamed it on colic. And reflux. It HAD to be something. He didn’t pop a tooth until he was 11 months old and suddenly after that he was a sweet little bundle of love.

    The dentist just told me that getting teeth late is actually a good thing for kiddos b/c by the time they get their adult teeth (which are also likely to be on the late side), they are expert brushers, so they do better with their adult teeth and get fewer cavities.

    1. Alex is a very…determined little boy, and while that sounds like I’m trying to say something mean, I’m not. He’s just like me. Just with a penis. A bundle of good intentions that’s going to get his way no matter what.

      Thankfully, he’s mellowed, much like Ethan now.

  22. My twins are almost 9 months. No teeth. They are holding out on me. When a crying fit happens…..we blame it on the teeth, or lack thereof. Thanks for the laughs!

  23. Well, just make sure you take excellent care of them. This week we spent over 400 bucks on cleaning teeth – and *that* was only 1/2 of hubs mouth. Yikes!

    “I wuv you” – I can’t wait to hear that.

    1. It’s totally adorable. And makes the fact that every time I dare pick up a book, and even if he’s ACROSS THE HOUSE, he demands that I put it down to “CUDDLE ME, MOMMY!”

      Oh, he’s a keeper, that boy.

  24. i am all for baby grills and baby gold medallions (i have a real hump-on for gold medallions). i want my kids to have the most Street Cred they can, starting from infancy. who needs Baby Einstein when you can have Baby Eazy-E?

    if you’re going to bling out your kid, perhaps you should give her a proper gangsta name? may i suggest Pooh-dacris or MC Pampers?

    1. MC Pampers! Bwahahahahaha! Seriously, people, you have the best fucking names. I am going to be laughing my ass of all fucking night. I don’t even need to blog anymore. I just need to put up a post that says, ‘HIT ME BABY’ and you guys can do all the work.

      You’re all more clever than I am anyway.

  25. Wasn’t Mimi a premie? They can take longer to get their teeth than a baby born at full term. My friend has a daughter 11 months older than my son, and my son got teeth before her daughter did. Of course even as baby he was an overachiever and one day when he was three months old he opened his mouth and there were four teeth!!!

    I don’t know if they make baby dentures but you could get her a pair of those plastic teeth kids play with.

    You should totally get an etsy shop and sell the blinged out paci’s. Then you will be able to afford the braces she might one day need when those suckers finally come in.

  26. My son didn’t pop out teeth until 9 months- then 2 on top, 2 on bottom, all at once. Since then I’ve claimed teething every 2 weeks or so, but he didn’t actually cut any more teeth until last week (14mo). I did start him on soft finger foods before he got teeth though- those cheerio puff things are great. Wait, I mean homemade teething bread. Yeah, that.

  27. I think 7 months is the typical age for the first tooth to pop through, though in my experience, they start teething around 3 months (right when they more or less outgrow colic) and teethe nonstop until age 2. Or maybe that’s just me. But I am now picturing a whole craft kit for bedazzling your baby–pacifiers, glittery barrettes, and yes, dentures! It could be a whole special aisle at Michaels. And you know I’d be first in line to fill my baby’s mouth with sparky little chokables!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *