Next on Hoarders: Your Aunt Becky
Years of serving has wrecked my delicate, dainty wrists. I know we Midwestern girls are supposed to have thick, corn-fed wrists and ankles, but I never got those. Apparently, I was absent when they were passing those out.
My hands, too, are actually impervious to certain degrees of heat thanks to the hot plates which gave me topical nerve damage. Which is a great party trick, until it’s TOO hot, because then? I burn the bejesus out of my hands and that’s not full of awesome.
I have sissy wrists and sissy ankles and after years of lugging thousands of pounds of food and drinks around my wrists have sustained some injuries. So now and again, I bust out the wrist guards and mope about the house, cursing my former self and my genetics.
Tuesday, was one of those such days that I went a-courtin’ for my wrist guards, and having not needed them for years, I had no idea where they were. First stop, upstairs bathroom, which is rarely used.
Shocked by the sheer quantity of feminine hygiene products in one small place, I congratulated myself at having the foresight to stock up and BE PREPARED in case a whole troupe of women came through with their periods ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
I could have been on an episode of Hoarders. Except that I had no idea that I had anything like that under there. If only it had been something like DIAMONDS.
My shock quickly turned to dismay when I discovered that most of the stuff underneath the sink was…damp. And some of it was…mildewy. There’s nothing more disgusting than damp mildewy shit, except for damp mildewy shit that you put on your cooter, so I was suitably horrified.
I looked under the sink, saw that among the losses was my trusty ACE bandage, which had sadly succumbed to death by mold, and then realized that my sink; the U drain in my awful, ugly sink is leaking. Only, by sheer luck, when it’s being used.
So I did what any self-respecting hoarder of feminine hygiene products would do: I hid the evidence of my obsession. I gathered a garbage bag, threw away all of the maxi-pads and tampons, bleached the bottom of the sink, grabbed a bucket, threw it under the U-drain and realized that I’ll have to deal with it this weekend. Time for a new vanity.
Just as long as Daver doesn’t see that I have enough maxi-pads to fill a gigantic vagina, we’ll be all good.
Sigh sounds like the time I looked under my sink and saw that it was leaking a little and just closed it to deal with it another day.. Sigh I love Hoarders but it does make me clean my house or at least want to clean my house. =-)
I was all prepared to leave a comment about hoarding until I got to the last sentence. At the words “gigantic vagina” all I can think about is the hilarious video from Storm Large who sings about her vagina being 8 miles wide (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5U-YT-mRmI). It’s catchy. You’re welcome.
OMG that is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in ages! Must share it… Thank you!
I’m so glad! YAY! *CLAPS* AUNT BECKY MADE A FUNNY.
This reminds me of the contents under my bathroom sink. For some reason, it is the place where all kinds of crazy shit goes to die. Usually the expiration dates are are for 2 years ago. A therapist would probably say I have issues letting go or some crap like that. *sigh*
This reminds me of the contents under my bathroom sink. For some reason, it is the place where all kinds of crazy shit goes to die. Usually the expiration dates are are for 2 years ago. A therapist would probably say I have issues letting go or some crap like that.
well, at least the super absorbant feminine products were there to absorb the water.
I still have about 8 packs of pads in a storage box in the kitchen (don’t ask) that you’re welcome to! I haven’t had a period since August. Hysterectomies are the best thing God ever thought up!
funny how those of us without uteri (uteruses?) STILL keep feminine hygiene products just in case. just in case, what?? it grows back????
On one hand, I can so picture it. . . on the other – I honestly never seem to have enough of such things around, so clearly I can’t *totally* relate!
Regardless, plumbing problems suck and I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with that. Ugh!
At least you get to replace the ugly sink. A new vanity is a score in my book. Just think, if you hadn’t been a Kotex collector you would have never had what sounds like a great redecorating opportunity.
I don’t have so many tampons as I do pantiliners. I seem to collect them and be the last standing woman on earth that still uses pantiliners.
New vanity, yeah! (For new stuff, but not for the money it costs) Have a good weekend.
Um…no. I thought I was the last woman on earth that still used them!
Never look under the bathroom sink. You’re just asking for trouble. Those doors are meant to be one-way only.
Love the pretty new photo.
At least the inadvertant hoarding helped save you from extreme water damage. If it weren’t for all your feminine products you may have been gutting a bathroom like I am.
So that bucket is like the biggest diva cup ever, eh?
Nothing better than being caught hoarding bazillion moldy tampons. But to be honest, I do really feel so much better knowing that my gigantic vagina will not be having gigantic period accidents all over the place if I ever come by your house for a visit unprepared. Nothing like a fully stocked bathroom I say.
PS Congrats on your agent!! I love Ebeling. They are super cool. And of course I’m dying to read any book you would write. I actually just got rejected by Ebeling a couple of weeks ago, but landed a deal with Full Circle Literary. Yay! Now we both need publishers. I hope you find one right away. Good luck!!
Your last sentence pretty much ate my comment. I was laughing so hard that my snorting startled a bird outside the window.
I forgot what I was gonna say.
You said ‘cooter’, my all time favorite crotch word
thanks to Tina Fey.
Feminine hygiene products always end up in my cart at Tar-jay. It’s like I have amnesia when it comes to remembering how many packages I already have shoved in the bottom of the linen closet. Why is that, Aunt Becky? Why?!?!?!
Yeah, I have 4 boxes of tampons in our bathroom….because of course, I bought some right before I got pregnant, had some from my work desk….still haven’t started my period again. So yeah, they are sitting there….now I want to check and make sure they aren’t mildewy…
10 paragraphs to say “Crap. My sink is leaking.” Yep, you’re definitely meant to be a writer! 🙂
As a part-time hoarder myself I will defend your tampon hoarding ways to the grave. We will always need more tampons and lord knows my husband would rather get attacked by rabid badgers than go into the feminine hygiene aisle at the drugstore
It seems no matter how often I clean out the bathroom cabinets & drawers they come up filled with stuff almost immediately. I have an embarrassingly huge collection of body wash. All of it used maybe once & then caused an allergic reaction. No idea why I keep buying that brand or failing to throw it away.
My kitchen sink’s U bend has been leaking for a week or more. Hubby refuses to admit the problem needs replacing. He’s sure he can make what we have work. I want to just go buy a new U bend and fix it myself but then he’d be all “See, my last fix worked” and I’d have to tell him it sucked and I fixed it myself & then his ego would be hurt & there would be moodiness and no sex for a couple weeks.
ugh hope your vanity is smaller than mine, my “little” bathroom remodel has me in the hole $700 for the vanity and another $700 for the counter top and the FAUCETS OH MY GOSH nearly $200 each! ACKKKKKK
I haven’t cleaned under my sink for weeks now. It always grosses me out. And yesterday I ran out of bleach so it’ll be a week-end chore for me too. Thanks for reminding me ;p
I stock up on panty liners. Such a life-saver!
I don’t think that your wrists and ankles would be called sissy…..
Considering I have the same kind, I prefer to call them DAINTY, DELICATE and FEMININE and anything else that I am not.
More proof you and I are related. (They say hoarding can be genetic.)
I, no shit, found 37 binders today. I have no idea why I have that many. I know I need 8 for work related junk. But really? 4 times as many? Yeah, I’m thinking I have a problem. And yes, a few of them were beat up instead of just thrown away. Classic hoarding.
Aunt Becky: beautiful inside and out. Nice picture!
When buying tampons, I always wonder, what does it say about me if I buy the expensive-as-shit Tampax Pearl? What does it say about me if I buy the Always $ave cheap-ass ones? Can you spoil your pussetta with the fancy, high end stuff, or is it considered negligence to buy the off brands?
I get together with 11 girlfriends every month, more than half of us get our periods on the same day. Power of suggestion?
One of the women has the maiden name of Keuter(pronounced Cooter)and in a stroke of brilliance her and husband gave Keuter as middle name to each one of their five boys.
You can’t make that shit up.
Hey…that sounds like a great blog name. As in, “Hello! My name is Chris and I like to write on my blog named Gigantic Vagina!”
Or maybe Moldy Cooter Supplies.
Or Sissy Wristed Tampon Hoarder.
Watching Hoarders is like watching a train wreck or a car accident. You get caught staring at it, and going WTF?…2 or 3 hours later you realize that you’ve been watching a marathon of gross.
It makes me want to throw away EVERY SINGLE ITEM I own. Seriously.
I hoot-laughed. Which is a)awesome because I needed a good hoot-laugh today and b)not awesome because I was on the phone with a customer who was droning on and on about something I should care about and don’t and he’s all WHAT’S SO FUNNY and I’m like…um…nothing.
watching hoarders gives me anxiety…
i can’t even readily find my preferred tampon in this damn city – when i see a box, i have to buy it right then in there! obsessive? yes. but i can’t afford to run out.
Pardon me, but the whole thing sounds like a rockin’ success imo.
You acquired necessary items that have been repurposed (green! so green!) as failed plumbing water deterrents. What would have happened if your supplies (not hoarde, supplies) had not been there? I’ll tell you, you would have the dreaded mold in your whole house. You would have to move out while months go by of strangers punching holes in your walls and pouring bleach down at several hundred dollars an hour.
Like I said, success.
O Lord…it would be why I don’t watch Hoarders. My husband would get ideas and whilst I was at work, he’d throw all of my coveted junk away!
I have enough OB tampons to last until menopause. My grocery store wasn’t going to stock them any more, so they put them all on clearance. It was like a menstrual holiday.
all i have to do is run out of a staple once, and next thing you know i’m buying it everytime i go to the grocery store or target.
toilet paper, tampons, ore ida crispers, and ellio’s pizza are stocked for a large facility in my house.
oh and xanax – i’d HATE to run out of that.
OMG. This is hilarious. And made me so happy to rent & not have to do home repairs.
oh yes, that has happened to me too, except it was in a high traffic bathroom, i am embarrassed to say!!
Bwahahah! Now that SUCKS. I made a very dumb tactical error and installed a pedestal sink in our trafficked bathroom. NOT WISE. NO STORAGE. Bad, bad move.
Pedestal sinks look so awesome, but yeah, i feel storage is at a premium in a bathroom . . . especially for all the feminine products, of course!
Oh yeah. It’s kind of my bad. Like I wish I hadn’t put that in. Pretty, but will look outdated in a couple of years.
So not your bad! It’s Pottery Barn’s bad, making evrything look so awesome in their beautiful, fake homes!
And by fake, i mean nonfunctional. man, i need to get some more sleep!!
How can anyone NOT be using pantyliners?! I have two jumbo boxes under my bathroom sink as I write this.
Better to have too many manhole covers than to not have them when you need them.
Shockingly, I will now have to buy MORE. But I do know that they are VERY absorbent.
I was starting to suspect you to be one of those girls on an episode of Tyra who had two vajayjays.
You never know with you tampon hoarding gals.
Dude. Wouldn’t that be wicked!? In like a freak-show way, not like a ‘WOW that’s awesome’ way.
Yeah, I have a few extra boxes of tampons too. I just toss it in the grocery cart thinking I might be getting low, and then I get home and realize, nope. Plenty of tampons. Really, you never know when you’re going to run out of cootch supplies. Better to have an insurance policy, right? Sorry to hear you have plumbing issues and mold, that is really anti-Awesome.
Luckily, the maxi-pads really ARE absorbent!
I think The Daver will be very very glad to know he wont ever need to make an 11:30 pm run to osco in the snow/rain or asshot/asscold so you can plug it up.
In fact, I predict he will be so thrilled with this that he will purchase said vanity as a reward for your cooter related hoarding.
PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP!
Sorry, had to.
Can I just say, in reference to the Uncrustables coupon on the blog page, that ‘Uncrustables’ sounds like healing scabs and fistulas?
Because I always want to say that.
You know what’s funny? I SO AGREED WITH YOU.
And randomly, I bought some? They are HEAVEN. I’m not saying that because there was an ad, because seriously, I don’t do product reviews. But they are MIGHTY FINE.
You never know when you’ll need a shit ton of maxi pads! A troupe of women on their period. Haha! Yeah, I would have done the same thing and thrown that all away. 😉
I had some leftover from DELIVERING A BABY. Which, shit, if I bleed like that again, check me back into the ER.
I have some wrist thingies…….They cover the thumb, and go all the way up almost to the elbow…>Come on over, and I’ll share.
Mine were used for DeQurvanes Bi-lateral thumbtino sinovitis……..I don’t know how to spell worth a crap.
That sounds kinda comfortable, actually.
I am the same way with toilet paper. One can never have enough toilet paper or cell phone minutes..oh and mascara, that’s kinda important too. Not to leave out really hot shoes that hurt your feet but make your legs look great…
Still not nearly as important as the TP though.
Dude. TOILET PAPER is something I never, ever, ever want to run out of. Also, I need mascara BADLY. can you send me some of yours?
WTF doesn’t everyone use pantiliners!
I just went 6 weeks with no period, yippee for menopause, then I bled, please please with the pause!
I watch Hoarders and now have a very tidy apartment, out out damn crap.
I have a wrist splint too, we are daughters from a different mother . . .
I have a leak under my kitchen sink, my landlord looked at it and says, that looks expensive, got a bucket. That was 2 years ago. Yep, still got the bucket. I could replace the u-joint myself but really, I rent the place and the bucket works.
I’m a purger anyway, so if I watched the show, I swear I’d own nothing. It’s really bad.
For the record everything period related is the grossest thing in the world.
You should just ask the Dave if he could go pick up some tampooooons for you at the store, and then give him a huge list of stuff, so you can restock.
The only thing more embarrassing then buying a single pack of tampons is buying 30 packs.
I’m thinking tampons AND THEN like some hemorrhoid pillows. Not because I need them, but because humiliation is awesome.
I have weak but GIANT wrists and (c)ankles. I also have like 12 ace bandages. I will send you one if necessary 🙂
I have the wrist braces now, but I am telling you that I can barely type. This comment alone took me 30 minutes.
Rats. I’ll have to find some other solution to the Abundant Ace Bandage problem.
Hahaha. You know what? I’LL TAKE ‘EM. And, I learned through this that they’re shockingly absorbent.
I’m so glad you to see you use the word “cooter.” Why don’t more women embrace this word? Cooter is, in fact, my preferred word for the female anatomy. I’m just so relieved to know that someone out there has some god damn sense!!!
x
Paula
http://www.adhocmom.com
Cooter is totes the BEST word for it! WAY better than va-jay-jay which is just so…awkward.
Pitch from Tv Producer: I have a show that’s even worse than Kid Nation, and it’s inside! Money train, meet Hoarders!
Remember the old revolutionary war saying: Keep your faith in God, and your maxipads dry.
I’m pretty sure that we could pitch this to reality TV producers and GET A DEAL, Chris!
You could scare the shit out of the Daver by leaving those moldy pads lying out where he can see them… I’d pay good money to see that reaction. 😉
If I actually thought he’d notice them, I SO WOULD.
But wait, wouldn’t the pads have absorbed alot of the water? What is they weren’t there? It could have been disastrous!
And you know what? THEY TOTALLY DID. For serious.
Just remembered something–my mom used to buy gigundo maxipads by the case. She was not hoarding… she was prepared!! see? If Aunt Becky could buy a big ‘ol box, I’ll bet she would. Fewer trips to The Target for girl stuff.
I just, you know, always stock up when I’m gettin’ low, and forget that I have stocked up BEFORE, so I tend to REstock up again! It’s pretty awesome.
No, you’re fine- A hoarder would have left the mess there and then gone our to buy a new stash of products to replace the icky ones 🙂 and then still kept the icky ones but maybe moved them to the floor.
*phew* Okay, I feel better about myself now. Thanks.
It must be a female thing to do, to hoard sanitary napkins. My wife does that, too.
You never, never, never run out of tampons if you can help it. Why? WE’VE ALL DONE IT BEFORE. No one wants to repeat THAT mistake.
I am the same way but it is toilet paper and shampoo. I don’t have any surplus supplies in case of an apocalypse but I will have a clean ass and nice, shiny, bouncy, and full locks.
You will have the most beautiful head of hair! Very, very clever. I also, I should have added, always, ALWAYS have hand soap in HUGE quantities. So, together, we could be VERY hygienic!
I’ve had clients hide certain substances in what the resulting police reports refer to as the “vaginal vault.” I so wish they’d write, “Smith was searched at the jail and several balloons filled with a black tar-like substance were found in her cooter.” Cooter just sounds better, don’t you think?
You should rewrite them in your head.
When I was a real nurse, I always snickered loudly when a patient was scheduled for a F/U.
An “F/U”? I don’t know what that is (well, not in the medical context …) but it’s hilarious. Maybe if my clients refer to their “cooter cartons” when they testify it will catch on.
F/U = follow-up. So it’s not even anything medically threatening like SOB (shortness of breath). But it looks so satisfying, doesn’t it?
You should donate the moldy hooch accoutrements to an old age home…moldy hooches need love too darling!
You know, I should have thought of that. WHERE WAS MY BRAIN??
“damp mildewy shit that you put on your cooter” and “enough maxi-pads to fill a gigantic vagina” – Wow, those are some serious mental images for ya… ROFL. Too funny.
I totally understand! I was a waitress for many years, and have wrist problems as well. Every time it rains I have to wear my wrist brace. (you know how old people say they can feel a storm coming in their bones? Well, I’m only27 and I can feel it in my wrist.)
What?!?!?!? You give us this wonderful, borderline scandalous post and there are no pictures. How dare you cheat us that way.
Oh wait, I forgot to mention – I came to your blog cause of the word “vodka.”
Just sayin.
That’s because vodka is full of The Awesome.
Ain’t THAT the truth. I think I’ll have me some right now, as a matter of fact! Nothin like gettin drunk before noon on a Friday… or any day of the week, really… >:)
I’ll drink to that!
I have seven sisters, and when my friends came over, they were always duly impressed at our bathroom closet. They awarded my house the nickname, “Pad/Pon Kingdom.”
Bwahahahaha! Seriously, it was The Maxi-Pad at your house.
I agree with the other commenter that pointed out that at least the pads were there to soak up the water. You might have had a rotten cabinet otherwise.
🙂 We get mold on the inside of the windows, just because we live on the coast of BC. It just happens whether we like it or not. (ewwww!)
I think somehow your dainty, hurty wrists are connected to the copious amounts of feminine hygiene products.
I just haven’t made the connection… yet.
Shit- now you’re really screwed when that tribe of ladies on their period come by for a visit.
-just sayin’
I’ve seen it, it can be very messy…
Wow, I guess there is prepared and then there is you. lol
I also “collect” items. I honestly don’t do it on purpose. I am one of those ppl who is constantly buy facial products. Just waiting to find the one true age defying miracle. Which is obvious I have yet to find it. Hence the 20 pounds of face crap I have stored under my bathroom sink.
I hoard things that are not useful to anyone, not even myself. Not really hoard I guess but keep shit that I know I will never use and actually can’t be used for anything. Example a giant size prescription medicine bottle, its was cool and big and I never saw one that size so I took it from my dad and brought it to Egypt with me. Where is it… 5 years later still in the cabinet.
I’m starting to get rid of things that I simply won’t use. Or haven’t used in ages. Like the wine glasses that we never drink from. There’s just no need!
I’m guessing that if they had wings, you coulda just slapped them on the U Pipe…like a bandaid. Easy Fix.
God only knows what one would find under my bathroom sink. I’m too chicken to look.
But you, my friend, are one brave woman. Hope the sink gets fixed soon.
I almost spit my white wine onto my laptop. What a waste of good wine, but so so funny! Good luck getting the sink fixed.
I love Hoarders. I have been hoarding episodes on my DVR. It is a morbid “I can’t look away cause it is just so awlful” obsession. Too bad you aren’t a true hoarder though cause you probably would have just kept the ruined tampax “just in case you might need them later”.
Too funny!
nah, if you were a true hoarder, like, a show-worthy HOARDER the maxi pads would have been used
xoxo
*shudders* You know, you’re totally right. And now, I must vomit.
I think I love you. I’m obsessed with having a shitload of pads too.. for just in case you know? I feel so bad because omg all the trees they killed. I probably have 400 trees sitting warmly underneath my sink.
And they’re SHOCKINGLY absorbent! You should SEE how much of the water they truly absorbed.
It’s wodnrfuel to have you on our side, haha!
Dear Aunt Becky – THIS is one of my fave posts. I stupidly read it it at work and had to suppress the chortle which probably contorted my face into something rather bizarre looking…. I should NOT definitely NOT read your blog at work but I just can’t help myself.
good thing! diamonds are not as absorbent.
I’m hoarder of things like first aid kits and wrapping paper. I didn’t realize the first aid kit until this weekend when I was looking for some calamine lotion and went through 5 first aid kits and STILL didn’t find any. Those 5 kits? In the same place, under the same sink – so it’s not like I have them stashed in different places.
I hate leaking sinks more than almost any other kind of leaking. Fortunately tampons will take care of most leaks.
My husband was shocked and embarrassed when I came home from Sam’s the other week with a gigantic box of tampons to put next to the gigantic box of pantyliners under the bathroom sink. But you can only buy things in ungodly quantities there, and it kind of takes away all perspective. Hey, 10,000 tampons? Sounds like a deal!