Scene: Friday/Saturday night in a tiny cinderbox of a dorm room.

Aunt Becky pokes at a water bra she is wearing that she’d borrowed from a girl down the hall marveling at the jiggliness of her new-found perky sweater kittens. She lays in her bed, chain smoking Parliament Light 100’s while occasionally poking her now very pert chesticles, drinking a vodka/diet coke and looking incredibly annoyed.

She scowls at the CD player, which is playing an endless loop of Cake’s “Never There” where two boys are standing, near-crying and singing it at top volume. Rolling her eyes every time they click the BACK button to hear it again, she takes a drag off her cigarette and wonders how to ditch the lamewads.

When I was in college, my two best guy friends would frequently come and stay with me for the weekends when my passive-aggressive roommate was off doing whatever it was she was doing when she wasn’t torturing me by IM-ing her boyfriend at all hours of the day. Maybe designing new POW interrogation techniques or something. We had a tiny dorm room, but somehow we managed to cram the three of us in there for the weekend and we’d make mischief and mayhem throughout the city.

Until they both got lovesick.

I had no issues with either of them dating other girls, since I wasn’t dating them and while we occasionally “slept together” really, it was actual sleeping and nothing else. Even then, I learned not to blur the lines.

But the two of them, Evan and Mikey, they both had girlfriends who went to schools in other parts of the country, and while I was single, it never seemed to matter much. Or if it did, I may have been known to their girlfriends as “their friend ‘BRIAN.'” I’m not sure that it was revealed to their womens that I had a vagina, even if they never saw it.

One weekend, the three of us got spectacularly drunk and rather than lock each other into the shower or go and try and wrap each in toilet paper (so we could look like mummies!) or something, they got moony over their ladies. And HOLY FUCKBALLS did they get melodramatical.

They somehow got their grubby hands on my Cake CD and decided that “Never There” was their theme song. Drunkenly, they wailed it. They cried to it. They pounded their collective fists at the injustice of having to wait weeks to see their lady-loves. They ruined the fucking song for me.

A song, I might add, that I barely liked in the first place because really, if you’re going to pick a song to be moony about, why not Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here?” I can think of 10 better songs* to be all “ZOMG!! I LOVE SOMEONE WHO IS NOT HEEERRREE!” and never, ever does “Never There” make the list.

So there I sat, on my bed, which was approximately 3 inches wide, poking my boob and giggling while it jiggled, rolling my eyes, blowing smoke in their direction (and hoping it would get into THEIR eyes, giving them a better reason to cry then over some trashy bitches). Eventually, I left them a box of maxi-pads to cry into and went out with my other friends to do…something else.

Really, anything was better than listening to those two vaginas cry over their girlfriends.

I say the term “vaginas” with the utmost love, because one of those vaginas was my Man of Honor at my wedding and stood up next to me while I promised to love, honor, and repay The Daver for slapping a ring on my finger. He’s the uncle to my kids and one of my best, most devoted friends. Even if he does have a gaping vagina.


That would be this one:

Evan, shown here at my bridal shower. He was forced to sit between his mother and mine, who sat there for the entire shower, discussing how they’d planned out OUR wedding for years. In front of my future mother-in-law. Let’s talk about awkward, shall we, Pranksters?

Anyway. He’s clearly wised up and no longer is dating the Never There girl, and only this weekend was I able to listen to that song again after it randomly came on my Nano, without wanting to drive a spike through my brain.

Also, I am going to be murdered in an unusually gruesome way for posting this story, so it was really, really nice knowing you all.

*That is an utter lie. I could think of only one. “Wish You Were Here.” Which I referenced. What am I missing? I tried to think about it but got calliope music stuck in my head.

88 thoughts on “Never. There.

  1. It was a lovely post and all, but then I got to the picture and… You’re a stunner! (Like, supermodel-gorgeous-I-want-your-hair beautiful!) And I mean that it the most genuine, non-creepy way.

    (I’ve only been following you for a little while, so I don’t think I’ve seen a photo…)

  2. Wish You Were Here is a fantastic song. It doesn’t even depress me at all, it’s so beautiful. So it’s perfect on several levels.

    Also hoping you don’t get murdered for this post because ITS THE TRUTH. I have SO been there. haha.

  3. “Since You Been Gone?” I’m not good at these songs, during my mooning over boys years (ie most of my life) I stayed away from romantic missing you stuff. My relationships tended to fit L7’s “Shitlist” instead.

    Also, there’s no way Evan can murder you. I’m pretty sure the Pranksters can take him.

  4. That’s like the weird association I have with Hanson’s “MMMBop” with my best freind in high school “losing her virginity”. I already hated the song when she told me she finally got down to business with her jerkwad boyfreind with that song playing on the radio. I don’t know why she felt the need to share that sad little detail and I didn’t find out until years later that she’d been sleeping around since eight grade, but that’s neither here nor there.

    Now I have a strange combination of “MMMBop” and circus music playing in my head… Thanks. ;P

  5. “pert chesticles”!!!! you’re brilliant.

    never there is so lame to get moony with. hellooo! how about joni mitchell’s both sides now?

    you three are so adorable. sounds like an awesome friendship!

  6. I think it’s very awesome you had a Man of Honor at your wedding. I was always way better friends with the males in my life for whatever reason, but that didn’t always mesh well with the man I was currently dating. Kudos you to for making it work!

  7. And now I will throw myself on the floor of my office as I giggle at the image of these two fine men dressed as vajayjays (a la the pizza slice costume.)

    Thank you.

  8. Water bras…those things were so fun just to mess with. I was always worried it would break if I wore it in public. So what did I do…I stuck a needle in my little sisters when she pissed me off. I know, sweet huh?

  9. You my friend are hilarious!!!!!!! I love cake and I’m glad you can finally enjoy them. Lol vaginas I always called people pussy but I like the way vagina sounds better!!!!

  10. You my friend are hilarious!!!!!!! I love cake and I’m glad you can finally enjoy them. Lol vaginas I always called people pussy but I like the way vagina sounds better!!!!

  11. Dude, Evan is an identical twin of my 8 year old nephew, but taller. Does that mean that Evan has a baby face or my nephew looks like wierd old and short?

  12. You are right. Using “never there” in this case was as big of a misapplication of a song as people who use U2’s “One” as a wedding song. They’re breakup songs, people. What are you thinking? They would have been better off with “love you madly,” but I’m not sure if that was out by then. Oh well. Obviously, they’ve overcome their issues and succeeded in spite of them.

  13. Ok, one, thanks so much for ruining a Cake song that I was moderately fond of, much love to you for that one. HA! Two, Pink Floyd did a Wish You were Here? Not aware of this, the only one I am familiar with is the Incubus song, oh, no, that is I Wish You Were Here. Point being, the vaginas would have been sobbing to that one, as well. *sigh* Guess somebody has to be the girl at these gatherings.

  14. Don’t forget the other “Wish You Were Here” by Incubus. That is in my top 5 songs for a “mix tape for a far away love when you are 18 or so and desperately vulnerable thanks to too many whiskey sours and a Dawson’s Creek marathon.”

    1. Ah, the people who hate Pink Floyd. *sighs* How sad. I love them. Wish You Were Here isn’t like my FAVORITE song or anything, although now every time I hear it I’m gonna think of you. HA.

  15. First off, you’re totally lame if you DON’T get all “hey I need to use my phone and call someone I miss RIGHT NOW” because Wish You Were Here comes on the stereo. That’s a law of PHYSICS or something. Not really. And can I do a sister blog to this blog about how my GBFF (that’s Gay BFF) and I had “our” song which was when we’d sing No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” while acting out the lyrics? And then once we fought and I heard it and I cried hysterically? AND he was totally in my wedding – but on the groom’s side, which was weird AND funny….? What was my question?

    1. I really should start calling people I miss when I hear that! Bwahahahaha!

      Also, “Don’t Speak” is a hilarious song. I got a great mental picture of you acting it out. It’s pretty intense.

  16. I was friends with a couple guys like that only they dated local girls who dumped them fairly often for various reasons. They were always mooning about the latest break up. Whenever I think of them I get an REO Speedwagon soundtrack in my head

  17. Obviously, Macarthur Park..Donna Summer, b/c dude, someone left the cake out in the rain, that can totally get you all weepy.

  18. OK, I hate to be captain obvious math here, but:
    a) he never hit on you (and you, young lady, were pretty damn hot by any standards — sorry, The Daver … or, not sorry because you obviously win at life)
    + b) melodramatic
    + c) went to your wedding shower
    + d) mothers loved him
    = GAY. As in “What do Evan and the grocery store have in common? They both take deliveries in the rear” gay.

  19. At least it was a Cake song. They’re my second favorite music group in the whole universe behind Jonathan Coulton because, well, I’m Mary Sue and any man who sings about zombies and lovelorn mad scientists wins my undying affection forever and ever.

    Speaking of my beloved JoCo, I’m thinking the song Blue Sunny Day which is upbeat and Polyphonic Poppy Spree-y in tone but all about being depressed and cranky. You can listen to it at the link I posted.

    (Also? My Best Friend in the Whole Wide World, who let me be the Best Man at his wedding even though I didn’t stand up front and be awesomer than everyone else in my totally boobalicious dress [and I didn’t take out the bride’s grandfather when he objected, I think my restraint was admirable, yes?], our song is Cake’s “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps” not for any romantic stuff but ’cause we used to dance the Argentine Tango to it. Then again, I’m pretty sure I’m older than you, so Fashion Nugget’s my college good fun times CD.)

  20. I can’t believe your mom and Evan’s mom were talking about your arranged marriage in front of the Daver’s mom….that might have been a little uncomfortable for her. Kind of funny, in that let’s make your future in law feel weird way.

    At least they weren’t talking about how many times either of you had been married before ( I know you weren’t, but still)…that was what I overheard when I caught my in laws talking during pre wedding events…since I was wife number 5, but who’s counting….I’ve beat all of them several times over now, and that’s what matters. Apparently for my husband the 5th time was the charm.

  21. Ok, call me old fashioned but in my humble opinion Nine Inch Nails “Animal” is my favorite I love you/I miss you song

  22. fuck you (your untouchable face) by ani difranco is the best breakup song ever. ever. ever. that is, if you’re still secretly pining and want to punch his new stupid faced girlfriend in her big dumb head.

  23. Wish You Were Here is the ultimate. I occasionally get in moods where I listen to it over and over again, but in a much cooler way than they were with Never There, obviously. I used to get all mopey over Dire Straits ‘Romeo and Juliet’, too.

    My best friends have always been guys, my whole life, like, since I was 3. With the occasional exception of other girls who are always friends with guys too.

  24. DUDE. I totally woulda done him. Props to you for just “sleeping” together! I’da hit that shit. Also? Love the way the boobies look in that pic. YOURS, you perv. 🙂

  25. Didn’t read all 67 previous comments but how ’bout “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers. I know it is in Notting Hill which, I guess some people think is a gay ass movie, but I happen to love.

    Anyway I also love “Cake”, the band, and have my own memories associated with “I’m going the distance” and NO it is not sexual at all.


  26. I lived apart from my husband (been married three weeks, yay!) for two years, across an entire ocean from one another while we were dating and waiting for my Visa to come through to get me here to the UK. Songs that made us both a bit too girly:

    Broken – Seether and Amy Lee
    Smother Me – The Used
    Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

    Just a week or two after we started long-distance dating, I had to go out of town for a couple of weeks, for a sick relative then a funeral. I was listening to The Used one night as I lay awake, not having spoken to My Guy for a week, in a strange bed…and suddenly got all weepy over it and missed him so terribly I could hardly breathe. That was the first time in my life I had ever reacted in a mushy way to any song…and I was 34 at the time! It was then I realized how much he meant to me. When I was finally home and had internet so we could talk, I told him for the first time that I loved him. And we spent the next two years getting me here and planning our wedding. Now I am the happiest newlywed on the planet. :o)

  27. This is funny because I’m seriously contemplating making this song my ring tone — as in, I’m never there to answer the effin’ cell phone which is permanently buried deep in the depths of my handbag. Or out of batteries.

    I was always partial to Dire Straits, “So far Away from me.” But I was young and stupid.

    Try Cake’s remake of “I will Survive,” which I heart and may wash your brain of this mess.

  28. Oh, People Who Miss The Point Of Songs! How I love them. As my friend Ken used to say of “The One I Love” by REM, “This is not a prom theme, people!”

    But Evan is adorable, so he gets a pass. You’re welcome, Evan.

  29. I will have to admit that I’ve never heard the song, and after the trauma it seemed to inflict on poor Evan and Mikey, I don’t think I want to. As for people missing the point of songs, my junior prom theme was “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins. “If you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand. The hurt doesn’t show, but the pain still grows…” Yup, that’s romantic, alright. Douchenozzles, the lot of them on the committee.

  30. I have a friend who looks (height and hair and all) exactly (okay almost exactly) like Evan. He was also the type to get broody over girls – he was SURE he was in looooooove about 75 bazillion times between 1999 and 2003. It’s a good thing he was so darn cute (and thus I could watch his pretty face while pretending to give a damn) or I might have kicked his ass.

    Also? That photo is so not mediocre. You are gaaw-geous, dah-ling.

  31. That’s hysterical. I think it’s great that you had a Man of Honor. My brother stood up with my at my wedding, before I had heard a term for such a thing. But I figured it was terrible to leave him out, just because he was a boy, and I wanted him on my side. It was great, and I’m so glad I did it.

    This story makes me think of Soul Coughing’s “Janine,” which my friend was full-on obsessed with for about two years. The funny thing is that it’s obviously a song about a man missing a woman, and she was moping about a missing boyfriend. But “Janine, I’ll drink you up” apparently resonated with her. That was over ten years ago, and I can only barely listen to it now without automatically picturing our guy friends bellowing “Janine, I’ll stink you up.”

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