A year ago today, I spent the entire day emailing back and forth with my friend Heather. She’d supported me much better than any support bra could have after my daughter had been born so sick (and she was in the minority because she KNEW what an encephalocele was and how serious a diagnosis we had on our hands) and we’d spent most of the day whining about the PICU.
Her daughter was in the PICU and my daughter had spent some time in the PICU.
We both knew it was miserable there and I was trying to cheer her up.
The last email I’d gotten from her said something like, “Maddie just ripped out her IV and is furious. They’re thinking of discharging us.” I took it as a good sign that when I’d responded, “THAT’S MY NIECE! *fist bump*” I didn’t hear back from her again because I assumed that she’d been discharged.
Later, I tweeted at her that I’d hoped that she’d robbed the Med Room for some Vicodin and gone to bed with my own small daughter.
When I woke up to nurse my daughter the following morning, I popped on Twitter and saw you all Tweeting about #Maddie. There are, if you don’t know, a kajillion Maddie’s, but in that moment, my heart sank. But it was 7AM CST and I couldn’t exactly start calling California. When I got to my Big Mac, I saw that I’d gotten some IM’s overnight from Stef and the room began to spin.
I fat-fingered my way to Heather’s site and saw the news. I called Dave; hysterical. This was one of my best friend’s daughters. Maddie was Alex’s wife. It was unreal. It’s still unreal.
This year, I’m Marching For Maddie and for Mimi and for all of my friends who have lost babies.
When I first started Mommy Wants Vodka, I fell in not with the Mommy Bloggers, like you might expect, but with the Infertility and Baby Loss Bloggers. Maybe it’s because they understood, like I did, that life wasn’t always just or fair, maybe it’s just where I fit, I don’t know. But those were my first readers and my first friends in the blog world.
Later, when I had a string of miscarriages, they loved up on me, and later yet, they were among the first to reach out and scoop me up when I was sprawled out, screaming and weeping on my floor after my daughter was born so sick.
According to the Center’s For The Disease Control’s Website (and hopefully *crosses fingers strongly* my future employer), about 1 in every 100-200 births in the United States results in a stillbirth. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 4 million stillbirths occur yearly worldwide. The numbers for neonatal and postnatal deaths run into the tens of thousands.
Those numbers seem large to me, but even after having to take a statistics class to get through nursing school I can’t say that I’m much of a numbers person. The Daver, he likes numbers, which is why he’s off saving the world, one string of code at a time, while Your Aunt Becky sits here, mouth breathing and occasionally wondering aloud, “Is the INTERNET working?”
Numbers aren’t my thing. People are my thing. 1 in 100-200 sounds like a hell of a lot bigger number when you attach faces to those numbers. Faces, stories and names. People. My friends. My nieces, my nephews, their parents. Tables forever missing one. Lives cut short. Unlived.
Still born. Born still.
My friends. Their children.
Selah Mae
June
Jacob Lane
Jackie
Catriona Rose
Noah
Suzie
Hope and Faith
Baby Wallace
Greyson
Nathan King
Noah
Gabriel Webb Winsor
The Bean
Michael Seip
Gus and Zoe
Taylor Marie
Bridgett Marie Kelly
Matthew Conner
Selena
Baby JP
Joe-Joe Sherman
Baby Nick
Jonathan
Baby K, Gabriel Connor, Christian Elliot and Andrew
Emmerson
Baby Kuyper
Mara S.
Kyle S.
Ava and Nathaniel
Rose
Micaela, Angelica, and Frankie
Donald Angus
Ryne Moyer
Marcus Reeves
Julian Ulysses
Becky
Caleb
Sean Isaac
Jessica Anne
Ashlynn Brooks
David Lee
Babies Boone
Olcott-Lueke angels
Baby A and Baby B twin girls
Kaitlyn Grace
Brennan
Ellery
Quinn
Josie Ree Smith
Samuel and Amelia
Draven Fredrick
Today, and always, we remember.
Dona nobis pacem.
(give us peace)
Lord, give us peace.
———————–
I’ll add ANY name to my Wall of Remembrance so if you’d like me to add a name, please don’t hesitate to email me becky (at) dwink (dot) net or leave me a comment. I don’t add names without a request, but please, please ask. Forward this on to someone whose name needs to be remembered and I’ll add it.
Do not be shy, Pranksters. Please. Aunt Becky begs you.
120 Responses to Never, Ever Forgotten.
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no words, just heartbreak.
What a beautiful post for a beautiful girl. Thank you for giving all of those beautiful children a place for remembering today.
I can’t stop reading the names and I can’t stop getting weepy over each one.
Maddie is in my heart, as are all these beautiful souls.
My thoughts and prayers today are for all those listed – and not listed – on the Wall of Remembrance.
The names, and knowing there are so many names not listed, just break my heart
I constantly remind myself how truly fortunate I am. My heart just breaks for all those babies and their parents.
My heart has been aching for the last year. Maddie is such a special girl. She is SO loved.
I hold Ava longer, tighter. I take NOTHING for granted anymore.
Oh my. That list is much too long.
Thinking of Maddie today and always.
Love you.
Thank you for remembering and reminding us to remember all these children.
I worked in a NICU for a while and spent more than half my pregnancy flat on my ass strapped to a monitor. There are so many things that can go wrong – it’s amazing when they don’t. A gift, really.
My thoughts to everyone who has been touched
Tracy
Far too many names on that list.
So many little angels.
Way too many names on that list.
too many names…
I don’t have the words….
I will be walking here in Minneapolis for my beautiful daughter, Selah Mae. If you could add her name in memory, our family would so appreciate it.
Selah Mae’s beautiful name is up there. We will remember her always. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Too many names, and reading the stories is tearing my heart up. So much pain.
Beautiful. I honor my friend’s son Justice, who would have been 11 years old two days ago.
I try to live every moment, in the moment and thank god I have never faced the heartache that the names’ above families have known. I will keep them in my thoughts.
Sadie at heyMamas
Remind me to hug the starch out of you whenever we meet in person.
Peace.
You’d better. xoxo
You always do such a beautiful job of remembering. Thank you.
Thank you for helping me remember. You always do. xoxo
Damn. I have tears in my eyes (which would leak, if I weren’t at work). Thinking of maddie, you and all the mommies of angel babies.
xoxox. Thank you for helping to remember.
Thanks Becky…again.
xxoo
You know we never forget. Ever.
Nathan King…died from SIDS
His name has been added, Suzie. I’m so sorry. Always remembered.
Lost a babe myself early on in pregnancy – had him cremated and then sent the ashes to my mother in England who buried him on my father’s grave. I hate to think how many laws we broke, but it was what I had to do. The list is long, very long…
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re so right. The list is long–too long. Every time I add a name, my heart breaks a little more.
I just cannot even begin to imagine what it’s like to lose a child. These Mama’s are always in my thoughts. Mea is dressed head to toe in purple today in honor of Maddie.
Mimi is, too. Today, we remember all of those that we’ve lost.
Very heartrending…
My heart hurts. Physically, it hurts.
Thank you for this, Becky. : )
xoxo, my friend. Love to you today and always.
my baby girl, Catriona Rose, was born sleeping on her due date 21.11.09. for no reason. no abnormality, no accident, no placenta/cord issues… she was perfect. Here in the UK 17 babies are born still or within hours of birth every day. 17. Who knew? I didn’t. Most people don’t. I would be grateful if you could add her name. It makes her more real if the rest of the world see her name too… she did exist. And Aunt Becky, even on my darkest days, you cheer me up xxx
Oh Emma, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Her name has been added. We’ll remember her always. All of us.
xoxo
You made me cry – as I should have. A beautiful tribute. My heart goes out to Heather and Mike and all the moms and dads out there who have dealth with this unspeakable loss. I hold them ALL in my heart.
xoxo. Thank you.
**dealt**
“tables forever missing one.” my heart is in my throat. this wall of remembrance is such a beautiful tribute. you’re my superhero with the most amazing superpowers ever: love and compassion for people.
You’re helping remember. That’s the heroic part.
thank you becky, ever so much
your words are a beautiful tribute to those who have lost too much and those who have been lost too soon. thank god your beautiful girl is okay.
xoxo
I only wish I didn’t have to write the words. I wish that no one had to go through what you did. What all of the people on this list did.
I’ve said it to you before and I’ll say it again–I’m just so sorry.
xoxo
Oh man…remembering all these lost little ones.
It always hurts so much. I added the names of your friends’ children and I am so sorry for your loss (I don’t know if you can get my emails. Apparently they’re ninja-like in their stealthiness).
I had a stillbirth 3/8/99 at 20 weeks. Her name is Selena.
Selena will be remembered always. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Becky, thanks for doing this.
Please add my baby Matthew Connor to your list. He was born at 26 weeks, he struggled for 6 weeks, and we lost him to NEC. He would have been 5 on 01/11.
I added Matthew’s name to my list, and I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
Can you please add Gus and Zoe to your list? They were the children of my husband’s college best friend and his wife; lost at 20 weeks due to a complication from a prenatal test
I agree that this list is too long…
just one more hug to you for allowing this to take up your day…giving so much to all of us. you have no idea what it means.
xoxo
What a wonderful idea, Becky. They are all in my prayers.
Heather and all the other families are lucky to have you in their corner. This is the kind of loss that will eat at you soul until you feel you have nothing left. Having friends out there like you makes it easier for those parents to cope.
Could you add Greyson for a friend of mine.
I will absolutely add Greyson. Thank you for being a friend, too. xoxo
So sad that the list is so long. How sweet of you to spend all day adding more names to the list. They will always be remembered.
Always remembered.
Thank you for writing this heart wrenching post. My sister was pregnant with twins and at 28 weeks, she lost her little girl Taylor Marie. Please add her to your list. Taylor’s brother Mason was delivered at 31 weeks and spent the first 7 weeks of his life in the NICU. We thank the Lord that two years later Mason is a strong, healthy boy and getting a new sister in June, but we will always miss the little baby girl that was taken from us.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I added Taylor Marie to the list and she will be remembered always. Send your sister my love.
I miscarried my baby Noah on November 11, 2009. Please add her (yes, her) to the list?
I added your sweet Noah to my list. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Now that I’m pregnant again, Maddie is always in the back of my mind. And all of those angel babies that we should remember everyday. I’m so much more aware of what a miracle it is for a baby to be born healthy and alive. I pray for the mamas and families that have experienced a pain that no one should ever have to go through. My heart is heavy today, and I’ll remember always. Thanks, Becky. You rule. You’re a pretty amazing mama.
You’re an amazing person, Tricia. Thank you for being a friend to everyone here.
Please add my little Noah. May 14, 2009
Lost at 20 weeks.
Jessica, I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Noah has been added to my wall. xoxo
It is very clear to me Aunt Becky that you are a good good soul. I am happy to know you – even though it is just through the blog world.
Aw, now I’m crying. Thank you. Some of the things that we do, we do because they are right to do. This is one of those things. I am glad to know you, too.
Dear Aunt Becky,
Please add Gabriel Webb Winsor to your list. I will forward this to his mom and dad, who have other children but whose family will ALWAYS be missing Gabriel, forever.
Love,
Angie at Eat Here
I will absolutely add Gabriel to my list. Sending love and light to Gabriel’s family. xoxo
beautiful and so very painful. please add my son Kai W. to the wall.
Of course, Jenni. Of course.
This is touching, yet heartbreaking post. It is very sweet of you to remember all the babies that were lost- but never forgotten. I have not suffered a loss, but my heartaches for all the women (and men) that have.
My heart hurts whenever I do a Wall of Remembrance. Thank you for helping share the burden. xox
Wow. This post has hit me in a very real and unexpected way after the beginning. I would add a name, but the stillborn I just learned about from over 30 years ago had no name.
Great Post.
I’ll add a blank space for you. It’s important to remember. xoxo
You are such a good person, really even knowing virtually makes me happy- thanks for this post, I have been down the last few days because my due date was the 22nd of this month and I should be getting ready to bring a baby home, instead I am thinking of what could have been. You make me feel better, thank you.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I’ve never forgotten. Sending you love and light. If you’d like me to add something for you, let me know.
xox
I’m sitting here, tears running down my cheeks. The list of names represents so much, so terribly much heartache. I wish I could wrap all those families up in my arms and comfort them. Thank you for helping remember their lost loves ones.
Thank you for helping them remember. I know you understand their pain, too. You’re a good friend. xoxo
Wow. That is a long list. But this was a nice dedication to them.
The list is so, so long. Every time I do this, it gets so much longer and my heart breaks a little more.
Rune and Gabriel my two angel babies lost at around 6 weeks (Rune only a few weeks ago). I don’t discuss them much, but they are well loved.
Of course I will add them to my wall. I’m so, so sorry for your losses, my friend. Sending you much love today and always.
I’ve been reading your blog for over a year(I’m not sure how I even wound up here). And you are so full of the awesome!!! This post had me in tears. Would you please add Baby Wallace for my sister who miscarried at 16 weeks in November. My sister would be in the home stretch of her pregnancy and my baby girl would be getting a cousin in May. Thank you so much for all you do!!!
I’m so sorry for your loss, and of COURSE I’ll add Baby Wallace up to my wall. We’ll remember, always.
When my daughter woke up this morning, I reached for a favorite blue outfit then declined it, thinking the long sleeved purple outfit would be warmer. When I read your blog later, I felt it was more than just coincidence that my baby was dressed head to toe in purple. I didn’t know who Maddie was, and I read Heather’s blog to find out. My heart broke and I cried for the Spohr’s loss. There are no words to describe that kind of pain they are living.
My heart goes out to all the parents and families of the Angel Babies you have mentioned here. And more, so many more out there.
There are just so, so many. The list devastates me every time I do this. So glad that you wore purple today. Heather would like that.
Thank you for listing my brother Donald, he would be 21 now. Currently I’m 20 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I worry every day until I bring my babies home *hugs*
Donald is always, always remembered. Sending you and your baby love and light. I’m sure your brother is watching out for you. xoxo
My heart aches reading that list. I’m so honored that you remembered my Matthew.
This is the shittiest club in the world but at least we aren’t alone. xo
None of us are alone. Matthew is always remembered. I think of him most days because my bedroom is always teeming with ladybugs. Don’t know why. Always full of them.
xoxo
Please add my first two children to the list. Hope and Faith. I’ve not blogged of them so they are not in my archives so I leave linking to your own discretion.
I’m adding Hope and Faith to my list, Michele. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sending you a huge hug. xox
I’m sorry this is a day late. This list is truly heartbreaking, but necessary. We will never forget the loss of these little, perfect souls. I lost my girl, Suzie, through miscarriage. She would be six years old this year, on my husband and my anniversary. My heart goes out to everyone who’s lost a little one.
I’m adding Suzie to my list, Melissa. I’m so very sorry for your loss. xoxo
I hate hate hate that this stupid list keeps getting longer and longer.
Every time I do it, I do too. I always hope that NO ONE comes forward because NO ONE ELSE loses anyone. But it’s never the case.
I’m glad that we can remember with them. I wish we didn’t have to remember at all.
My beautiful nephew, Logen, died at 10-months old from an undetected, unusual genetic disorder. My entire family was devastated. His little sister was born about a year and a half later, with the same disorder. Thanks to Logen, we were lucky enough to know to test her for it before she was even 24 hours old, and get her the care she needed to live a healthy life. She is now a thriving 7-year old and I see Logen in her eyes every time I look at her.
I would love to have Logen honored and remembered on your Wall. Thank you.
Of course, Jenn. Logen has been added to my wall. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. My heart just hurts.
Sending you love.
Beautiful. This post is such a loving gift to all those parents.
You taking the time to read and comment is a loving gift, Dora. Thank you.
Becky please add my sweet angel Zariah Lynn to your list.
Life is not fair are the truest words ever spoken!
Of course, love, I added your Zariah Lynn to my wall. So sorry for your loss. xoxo
Baby Boy Cook would have been my oldest uncle, if he hadn’t been stillborn. My Biscuit would have been on that list if I’d listened to my husband instead of my heart and declined the c-section. Lovin’ on the families you’re honoring.
Wow. Just wow. I added Baby Boy Cook to my wall, and wow. So, so glad that Biscuit is here with you.
Dammit B! I have something in my eye, yeah, that’s it. *sniff*
Please add June (that’s when he/she was supposed to be born) to your list. I miscarried too early in the pregnancy to find out if it was a boy or girl.
I have 3 older kids who asked for a while where the baby went… WAY too hard to explain to a 4 year old when they are SO excited about a new baby.
Thank you for this post.
I added June to my post. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and light.
Wow your post struck a chord with me too. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry for all the losses of those beautiful cherished babies.
Please add my darling Ben to your list.
And I feel similar to you in that I totally relate – I fell in with the infertility and baby loss bloggers too – even though I was about to have a new baby. I guess the shinyness of pregnancy wasn’t there anymore.
Your blog is fantastic. And so “real”. Thank you
I added your sweet Ben to my wall. I’m so very sorry for your loss. xoxo
Could you add my son, Joel, to your list? He was stillborn at 40 weeks May 28th 2009. We found out we lost him on May 26th…it’s insane to think that the day he passed was before the day he was born. Thanks.
It seems unspeakably cruel that he’d be taken from you the day before he was due. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Joel. He’s been added to my wall and we will always remember your son. Sending you love and light.
Thank you for honoring our babies!
My beautiful niece, Isabella Marie, was born sleeping on September 3, 2009, two weeks before her due date. It amazes me every day how much I can miss a child that I was never able to meet.
My thoughts and prayers are with the families of all of the babies listed. That list is definitely too long.
I just cry and cry as I look at that list. I have been lucky enough to have three beautiful children born to me, still with me and still happy healthy occasional pains in my ass. I want to reach my arm around every mother, father, sibling, friend who has lost a baby in their life and just hold them close. It’s a pain no one should have to know. Thank you, Becky, for reminding us all that they are never entirely gone as long as they’re never forgotten.
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