July 13, 2012

I’d had every intention of leaving you with a post, Pranksters, telling you that:

a) I hadn’t gone off the rails of a crazy train, shaved my head and moved to somewhere in Siberia to breastfeed baby Yaks.

2) Getting the hell out of Dodge was the birthday present I was giving myself.

But Thursday got late, and Dawnie got to my house at the ass-crack of dawn on Friday and anyone who owns a mobile device that rhymes with MyPhone understands that posting to a WordPress blog while on a “smart phone*” is nearly impossible. Or maybe, it’s just me.

(it’s not just me)

Sunday, as the always-lovely Avitable reminded you, was my birthday. And despite the recent “series of unfortunate events,” I didn’t feel as though I was particularly immune to my Birthday Curse, which happens to generally be a series of unfortunate and ill-timed events as well. I’ve probably spent more birthdays in ER’s and Urgent Care facilities than anyone under the age of 80 should admit to, but suffice to say, it’s generally DIFFERENT issues, which meant that this year, I was expecting to go big or go home.

So I figured if I died, I may as well be doing something I loved as I went out. Like, for example, going down to Nashville (NashVegas?) with Dawnie.

We hopped into the car, or, more accurately, I slogged my tired ass into the car, around 8AM on Friday and we set off to find some…thing.

“Dawn,” I said. “You’re aware of my birthday curse, right?”

“Yup,” she replied.

“If I get decapitated, please just put my head back on,” I asked.

“Fuck that,” she said, “I’m going to make it hang out of the window.”

“Like a dog?” I asked.

Something like that,” she gave me A Look.

I stared out the Indiana countryside, marveling at the sheer amount of dead tires on the side of the road, trying to imagine what she meant by that. Was she planning to shrink my severed head and use it as a car ornament? Was she going to let it dangle from the rearview mirror?

“Look,” I said. “I don’t want to be pushy, but I’d like it if you could somehow either reattach my head – maybe with a broom handle or something – or have it nestled in my lap, like I’m holding it.”

She sighed. “I guess,” she replied, clearly unhappy with my demands.

And then we saw it. The most amazing thing I’d seen in at least three minutes:

fucks-lubeAnd for the very barest of moments, all was, at long last, right with the world.

*if my phone can’t cure cancer, it’s not very smart.

44 thoughts on “NashVegas: Where We All Speak American

  1. I don’t know why but this intro to your roadtrip reminded me of the Oprah & Gail roadtrip. Did you watch that?

    I agree about the smart phone. Tablets are even worse, though. Except they don’t make promises they can’t keep, like being smart. They’re all “hey, I’m a TABLET, wth did you expect besides a square instrument you can use to throw at things?”

  2. I googled the Fuchs people. One subsidiary is named Fuchs Geralyn. If I were named Garalyn I would sue them. Someone might get sinister ideas or something.

  3. I googled the Fuchs people. One subsidiary is named Fuchs Geralyn. If I were named Garalyn I would sue them. Someone might get sinister ideas or something.

  4. That’s just plain awesome. I think that’s better than the place I used to live by in Utah that was called (Company Name) Erections and Fabrications.

    Did you see any guitar shaped toilet seats?

    1. My cousins’ nearest neighbors in the sticks of the San Joaquin Valley have a family-owned bovine artificial insemination business, which was licensed as “Fahrumpa Breeding.” This is straightforward enough except that the Fahrumpa sons have been impregnating the local human female population at a much faster rate than Mr. Fahrumpa is inseminating the area’s cow population. The little kids in the area hate getting drafted onto the “Fahrumpa Breeding”-sponsored youth sports teams because peopl laugh at them when they wear the uniforms.

  5. NashVegas cures all blues. I lived there for eight years and was nearly always entertained. Have fun and a drink at Tootsie’s for me.

      1. YES! Move here!! I will take you under my wing. I have AWESOME friends that I would be happy to share! 🙂 (seriously, I would be more than happy to help you, I will email you so you know how to contact me!)

  6. I think if you see that truck at the beginning of a road trip, you can take it as a sign from The Traveling Gods that the trip will be freaking fantastic.

    Can’t wait to hear all about it!

  7. Things that happen in NashVegas stay in NashVegas.

    Unless you have a blog, in which case, you have to tell us EVERYTHING.


  8. Happy (late) Birthday Becky! And may the birthday curse be damned…..you’re gonna have a whoppinass good time…How could you not, after seeing such a good omen?

  9. OBVS you got a sign from the good Lord of Butter that all was going to be well on this b’day girl. Cuz a) you didn’t have a concrete idea of what Dawnie would do in the event of a beheading and 2) you saw the almighty sign of Fuchs Lubricants Co. I mean, hello, you’d get a good LUBRICATED fuch if you rear-ended that semi trailer!!! BWA HA HA!
    Much hugs and love to ya girl. Safe travels from NashVegas and escaping Dodge. Good call mah friend, good call. ?

  10. Happy Birthday. You scared me for a moment when I thought you had gone to Las Vegas. But Nashville, that’s another thing entirely. Can you squeeze in a side trip to Dollywood? I can’t think of anything more empowering than an amusement park built on tits and girl-balls. How can you not love a woman who’s motto is “it takes a lof of money to look this cheap”? Whatever you do, please take lots of crappy cell phone pictures. And have a great time; you’ve earned it.

  11. Such an inspiring name for you to see Aunt Becks!

    It seems that branch of my ancestors did *not* change their names when immigrating! Yes, I am a descendent of the great clan Fuchs. She was my g-great grandma Anna Eva. A branch moved to Detroit and changed their name to Fox. Imagine that! LOL

    Peace – Aloha ~

  12. I wish I would have known, I would have come out and stalked….er uh….partied with yall! Let me know when you come back, for reals!

  13. I can’t believe how sent from heaven this was.

    A birthday gift from the universe.

    Happy Birthday, beautiful.

    xo Here’s to a year of change, growth, adventure, and realizing just how kick ass you are.

  14. And here I was talking crap about Indiana just a few days ago, and then something this epic happens there.

    I will be proud to be a Hoosier for the next ten minutes.

    Also? Happy Birthday. Not late. I just wanted to extend the celebration, since you didn’t end up being decapitated and all!

  15. Oh! I wish I had known. I live in the ultimately awesome Nashvegas. I’d’ve come out and helped you eat tons of bacon and cupcakes!!!

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