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NashVegas: Where We All Speak American

July16

July 13, 2012

I’d had every intention of leaving you with a post, Pranksters, telling you that:

a) I hadn’t gone off the rails of a crazy train, shaved my head and moved to somewhere in Siberia to breastfeed baby Yaks.

2) Getting the hell out of Dodge was the birthday present I was giving myself.

But Thursday got late, and Dawnie got to my house at the ass-crack of dawn on Friday and anyone who owns a mobile device that rhymes with MyPhone understands that posting to a WordPress blog while on a “smart phone*” is nearly impossible. Or maybe, it’s just me.

(it’s not just me)

Sunday, as the always-lovely Avitable reminded you, was my birthday. And despite the recent “series of unfortunate events,” I didn’t feel as though I was particularly immune to my Birthday Curse, which happens to generally be a series of unfortunate and ill-timed events as well. I’ve probably spent more birthdays in ER’s and Urgent Care facilities than anyone under the age of 80 should admit to, but suffice to say, it’s generally DIFFERENT issues, which meant that this year, I was expecting to go big or go home.

So I figured if I died, I may as well be doing something I loved as I went out. Like, for example, going down to Nashville (NashVegas?) with Dawnie.

We hopped into the car, or, more accurately, I slogged my tired ass into the car, around 8AM on Friday and we set off to find some…thing.

“Dawn,” I said. “You’re aware of my birthday curse, right?”

“Yup,” she replied.

“If I get decapitated, please just put my head back on,” I asked.

“Fuck that,” she said, “I’m going to make it hang out of the window.”

“Like a dog?” I asked.

Something like that,” she gave me A Look.

I stared out the Indiana countryside, marveling at the sheer amount of dead tires on the side of the road, trying to imagine what she meant by that. Was she planning to shrink my severed head and use it as a car ornament? Was she going to let it dangle from the rearview mirror?

“Look,” I said. “I don’t want to be pushy, but I’d like it if you could somehow either reattach my head – maybe with a broom handle or something – or have it nestled in my lap, like I’m holding it.”

She sighed. “I guess,” she replied, clearly unhappy with my demands.

And then we saw it. The most amazing thing I’d seen in at least three minutes:

fucks-lubeAnd for the very barest of moments, all was, at long last, right with the world.

*if my phone can’t cure cancer, it’s not very smart.

posted under I Suck At Life
44 Comments to

“NashVegas: Where We All Speak American”

  1. On July 16th, 2012 at 12:36 pm BakingSuit Says:

    I don’t know how the rest of the trip went, but it seems to be off to a great start my by road trip standards!

    Head reattachment notwithstanding.

  2. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Well, if it were reattached, I’d be cool with it.

  3. On July 16th, 2012 at 12:39 pm No Good Says:

    Imagine answering their phones!

  4. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Don’t you think you’d THINK about what product you were creating before creating a name like that? MAYBE that’s just me.

  5. On July 16th, 2012 at 12:51 pm Caro Says:

    I hereby dub thee Snicket the Second

  6. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha. Thanks.

  7. On July 16th, 2012 at 1:10 pm Ruby @ Focus, Woman! Says:

    I don’t know why but this intro to your roadtrip reminded me of the Oprah & Gail roadtrip. Did you watch that?

    I agree about the smart phone. Tablets are even worse, though. Except they don’t make promises they can’t keep, like being smart. They’re all “hey, I’m a TABLET, wth did you expect besides a square instrument you can use to throw at things?”

  8. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I totally didn’t see it! Is it worth it?

    And yeah, my iPad is for games, not for, *ahem* working.

  9. On July 16th, 2012 at 1:11 pm alexis Says:

    I googled the Fuchs people. One subsidiary is named Fuchs Geralyn. If I were named Garalyn I would sue them. Someone might get sinister ideas or something.

  10. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I feel like I should sue them on principle.

  11. On July 16th, 2012 at 1:11 pm alexis Says:

    I googled the Fuchs people. One subsidiary is named Fuchs Geralyn. If I were named Garalyn I would sue them. Someone might get sinister ideas or something.

  12. On July 16th, 2012 at 1:39 pm Ewokmama Says:

    That is awesome!

  13. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Epically awesome!

  14. On July 16th, 2012 at 2:04 pm Colleen Says:

    Hope your Nashvegas trip cured some of what ails ya. It did for me…TWICE!

  15. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It felt damn good. I’ll be going back. Soon!

  16. On July 16th, 2012 at 2:09 pm Grace Says:

    That’s just plain awesome. I think that’s better than the place I used to live by in Utah that was called (Company Name) Erections and Fabrications.

    Did you see any guitar shaped toilet seats?

  17. On July 16th, 2012 at 3:04 pm alexis Says:

    My cousins’ nearest neighbors in the sticks of the San Joaquin Valley have a family-owned bovine artificial insemination business, which was licensed as “Fahrumpa Breeding.” This is straightforward enough except that the Fahrumpa sons have been impregnating the local human female population at a much faster rate than Mr. Fahrumpa is inseminating the area’s cow population. The little kids in the area hate getting drafted onto the “Fahrumpa Breeding”-sponsored youth sports teams because peopl laugh at them when they wear the uniforms.

  18. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No WAY. That is so cool. And sadly, if I’d seen a guitar-shaped toilet seat, I’d have absconded with it.

  19. On July 16th, 2012 at 2:30 pm Nona Says:

    NashVegas cures all blues. I lived there for eight years and was nearly always entertained. Have fun and a drink at Tootsie’s for me.

  20. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Really? Maybe I should move there!

  21. On July 17th, 2012 at 2:28 am Devan Says:

    YES! Move here!! I will take you under my wing. I have AWESOME friends that I would be happy to share! 🙂 (seriously, I would be more than happy to help you, I will email you so you know how to contact me!)

  22. On July 16th, 2012 at 2:45 pm Erin Says:

    I think if you see that truck at the beginning of a road trip, you can take it as a sign from The Traveling Gods that the trip will be freaking fantastic.

    Can’t wait to hear all about it!

  23. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    And you know what? It was perfect – just what I needed.

  24. On July 16th, 2012 at 3:42 pm CycleNinja Says:

    My definition of a smart phone is one that’ll tell me where I set it down while I’m floundering trying to find it.

  25. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:50 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, that could be pretty clever. Not as clever as solving cancer, but then again, what is?

  26. On July 16th, 2012 at 4:19 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Things that happen in NashVegas stay in NashVegas.

    Unless you have a blog, in which case, you have to tell us EVERYTHING.

    k?

  27. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh hells yes I will. There will be no detail left out. Why? OBVIOUSLY.

  28. On July 16th, 2012 at 4:50 pm katrina Says:

    Happy (late) Birthday Becky! And may the birthday curse be damned…..you’re gonna have a whoppinass good time…How could you not, after seeing such a good omen?

  29. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I had a wonderful trip – I barely mentioned my birthday: seemed easier. Every time someone said, “Happy Birthday,” I wept. Openly.

  30. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:04 pm chrisinphx Says:

    Be on the look out for your MIA Whore Pants, they could be living it up in TN this whole damn thime

  31. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:51 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Seems more appropriate than Vegas, right?

  32. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:38 pm Jolie Says:

    OBVS you got a sign from the good Lord of Butter that all was going to be well on this b’day girl. Cuz a) you didn’t have a concrete idea of what Dawnie would do in the event of a beheading and 2) you saw the almighty sign of Fuchs Lubricants Co. I mean, hello, you’d get a good LUBRICATED fuch if you rear-ended that semi trailer!!! BWA HA HA!
    Much hugs and love to ya girl. Safe travels from NashVegas and escaping Dodge. Good call mah friend, good call. ?

  33. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahahaha. It was a wonderful trip. I couldn’t be happier about it if I tried.

  34. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:44 pm Cindy Says:

    This picture? Is beautiful. #thatisall

  35. On July 16th, 2012 at 7:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I feel that was certainly a sign from the almighty Lord of Butter that we? Were going places.

  36. On July 16th, 2012 at 8:07 pm jeri Says:

    Happy Birthday. You scared me for a moment when I thought you had gone to Las Vegas. But Nashville, that’s another thing entirely. Can you squeeze in a side trip to Dollywood? I can’t think of anything more empowering than an amusement park built on tits and girl-balls. How can you not love a woman who’s motto is “it takes a lof of money to look this cheap”? Whatever you do, please take lots of crappy cell phone pictures. And have a great time; you’ve earned it.

  37. On July 17th, 2012 at 12:08 am Eliza Says:

    Such an inspiring name for you to see Aunt Becks!

    It seems that branch of my ancestors did *not* change their names when immigrating! Yes, I am a descendent of the great clan Fuchs. She was my g-great grandma Anna Eva. A branch moved to Detroit and changed their name to Fox. Imagine that! LOL

    Peace – Aloha ~

  38. On July 17th, 2012 at 2:38 am Devan Says:

    I wish I would have known, I would have come out and stalked….er uh….partied with yall! Let me know when you come back, for reals!
    Devan

  39. On July 17th, 2012 at 6:09 am Heather Says:

    Happy belated birthday!!! Love the truck!

  40. On July 17th, 2012 at 8:39 am Alexandra Says:

    I can’t believe how sent from heaven this was.

    A birthday gift from the universe.

    Happy Birthday, beautiful.

    xo Here’s to a year of change, growth, adventure, and realizing just how kick ass you are.

  41. On July 17th, 2012 at 9:09 am Sara Says:

    And here I was talking crap about Indiana just a few days ago, and then something this epic happens there.

    I will be proud to be a Hoosier for the next ten minutes.

    Also? Happy Birthday. Not late. I just wanted to extend the celebration, since you didn’t end up being decapitated and all!

  42. On July 18th, 2012 at 12:04 pm tara (aka IWantThursdays) Says:

    Oh! I wish I had known. I live in the ultimately awesome Nashvegas. I’d’ve come out and helped you eat tons of bacon and cupcakes!!!

  43. On July 20th, 2012 at 12:48 pm NashTucky: The Midnight Special - Mommy Wants VodkaMommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] Part I […]

  44. On July 23rd, 2012 at 1:53 pm NashTucky: She Was Brave - Peacock Arm Sleeve - Mommy Wants VodkaMommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] Part I […]

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