My Optic Nerve Brings All The Boys To The Yard
Aunt Becky: “Thanks for picking my ass up from the optometrist, yo.”
The Daver: “Not a problem.”
Aunt Becky: “I should have you know that the optometrist says that my optic nerve is BEAUTIFUL.”
The Daver: “Well, that WAS the first thing I noticed about you. Your sexy optic nerve.”
Aunt Becky: “Naturally! My optic nerve brings ALL the boys to the yard.”
The Daver: (laughs)
Aunt Becky: “Oh, hey, can you run in to pick up my Thai food?”
The Daver: “You should SO go in while you’re wearing those disposable sunglasses.”
Aunt Becky: “I’ll probably cause a riot with the guys throwing themselves at my feet. I mean, did you SEE how hot I am in these shades? THEY HAVE NO SIDES.”
The Daver: “You look like Morpheous from the Matrix.”
Aunt Becky: “I’m CLEARLY from the future and that will cause people to riot in the Thai place and plus my head is throbbing, so can you please get my food?”
The Daver: “RED PILL OR BLUE, BECKY?”
Aunt Becky: “The answer is ALWAYS “C,” The Daver.”
The Daver: “Touche.”
Aunt Becky: “Now I want some freeze dried ice cream with Vicodin on top. Because it’s ALSO from the future. My drug addiction will go hand-in-hand with my new cat’s eye rhinestone glasses.”
The Daver: “Your optic nerve better hope it attracts a new husband. And fast.”
Aunt Becky: “My optic nerve won’t fail me, baby. Now grab me that motherfucking Pad Thai.”
Dude, we so wanted a picture of those badass glasses.
I actually looked around to see if I could find them. Turns out, they were so sexy, they disappeared.
You is a sexy biotch, yo.
Awww, YEAH.
That optic nerve of yours has got it GOIN’ ON. LOL. I LOVE those glasses, everytime I go to the eye -doctor I forget my darn sunglasses. It never fails.
I couldn’t BELIEVE I’d forgotten my sunglasses…or how sexy I looked in the ones they gave me. Fuck Ray Bans, baby. GET ME SOME FREEBIES.
Things guys look for in women at bars:
1) A small purse or a purse large enough to easily transport alcohol.
2) A love of dinosaurs.
3) An inability to distinguish between a group of men.
4) A freaking awesome optic nerve.
If you substitute “viruses” for “dinosaurs” I’m gonna TOTALLY rock the party. What party? ALL OF THEM.
Jesus you are sexy.
I’m beyond sexy.
I want to lick those beyond sexy eyeballs.
Yeaaah. Like he’s going to find a better optic nerve. Who is he kidding?
There may be younger optic nerves out there, but are they as dead sexy as mine?
^^ is what I’m saying.
Where is the pictures of you looking HAWT in those glasses.
If I could find the glasses, I’d totally hook it up. I’ll be Morpheous for all of you. You’d weep with the beauty of it all.
I am going to weep at the beautiful pictures of you and @alotofnothing together soon.
somehow i knew you had optic nerve dougie. the daver better stay on his toes.
I may bring the cruise ship men to their KNEES.
Wait…ew.
I’d love to be a fly on the wall of your house. Then you’d say, “Why is that fly laughing so hard?”
You are SO welcome to move in.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, Michael Rusk. Michael Rusk said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Wherein I am being divorced: http://mommywantsvodka.com/my-optic-nerve-brings-all-the-boys-to-the-yard […]
Now, if you took the freeze dried ice cream and vicodin and crushed it over top of the pad thai, you’d have a meal that would be too awesome for a motherfucking plate.
Now when I am on Death Row, THAT will be my last meal.
Your optic nerve could attract some new wives. Because it is that rock star-tastic and hawt!
I think I need a wife. GOOD CALL.
Your too funny, that brings a new meaning to that song.
So whats up with your eyes?
I’m colorblind. That’s nothing new, but everyone gets all excited when they realize it.
THAT was pure awesomeness.
Bwahaha. Not as awesome as my Pad Thai, which was actually a steaming plate of BROCCOLI. Damn diets.
I want a sexy optic nerve….and pad thai.
You can admire mine…from afar. Like a paparazzi!
One more thing for me to have The Jealous about you – if only my optic nerve was as awesome as yours. Le Sigh.
Don’t you wish your optic nerve was as hot as mine?
Seriously, I’m exhausted and cranky, but just read this exchange and seem to be perking up. I’m laughing out loud.
Pad Thai……
Mmmmmm….Pad Thai….Mmmmmmmm.
It’s your optic nerve that brings all the boys? Huh. I thought for sure it would be your mad bedazzling skillz! 😉
Mmmmmmmm, ice cream with a vicodin topper.
Beats the shit out of sprinkles.
Will you share your vicodin laced ice cream with me?
Hells yes, baby! Come on over!
Apparently Joeys optic nerve looks pristine. The word the ophthalmologist used when looking deep into his baby blues. MRI’s said the optic nerve looks great….now we’re doing a visual acuity test in a couple of days to see how he sees…I guess………….Anyway, congrats on your sexy nerves!
YAY! That’s awesome! I’m more excited for him than I am for me.
damn right, it’s better than yours, i could teach you, but i’d have to charge. you are a scream queen of the funniness of it all. now go get me that freeze dried bowl of ice cream, sprinkled with vicodin and add some phenobarbatol this time. i am not going to continually remind you of how i like my fucking ice cream. now move it.
Gotta love the sexy shades that they give you at the optometrist’s office. They do that to make up for blowing air into your eyes. Fuckers.
No pictures?
For the first time every, Aunt Becky disappoints.
But I SO have a pair of bedazzled cat-eyes.
Wearing them brings sexy back HARD to the 70+ set.
Those glasses ROCK. 🙂
Also? I love it when you post conversations from your household. Never fails to amuse.
xoxo
There is no spoon.
I love a woman who knows just what to say to her husband. This could have been a conversation between me and my darling dork.
bahahahaha! excellent!
Find those seductive shades & cover up that sexy optic nerve of yours. How will I ever get ANY boys in my yard with you wandering around flashing your shit? I wonder if free booze beats out a sexy optic nerve?
Wait, did you say you are colorblind? Is it to just certain colors?
Hysterical! With a title like that I knew you wouldn’t disappoint.
I hate you for saying the words “pad thai”. Seriously, I would shank a bitch for some good pad thai right now.
Also, your optic nerve is TOTALLY the reason I fell in love with you.
Is it better than an oxycontin topping?
Get back to me before 10 PM.
Thanks…
Yeah, yeah, we know you’re hawt. Now how about sharing that pad thai?
BTW, you haven’t visited me lately. I know I’ve been a blogging slacker, but go check out the adorableness. xoxo
My optic nerve had to walk home by herself in the sunlight after the eyes got dilated. I wish the Daver could have picked me up and brought me thai food. 🙂
And I could tell from miles away that you had a sexy optic nerve!
How would you shake a freeze dried ice cream shake??? hmmm
I always follow the BYOS rule (bring your own sunglasses) so I don’t have to sport those bad mofos. Sexy as they are, I don’t want to have to fight off the hotties when I can’t focus on anything closer than 10 feet away.
At this point I am consumed with worry…
DID YOU EVER GET THE DAMN THAI FOOD?
So that’s what they mean when they say beauty is on the inside – the optic nerve. Who knew? You, apparently.
I hope to god your conversations really go like this because you are my fucking hero.
i’m a technician for an ophthalmologist (yes, i spell that wrong that first time, every time). we have super spiffy glasses in various neon colors. the green ones are my fav.
my optic nerves have significant cupping. i’m also a dd. there’s cups everywhere.
You are so fucking hot!!!!
You can kick Neo’s butt, I bet. JUST WITH YOUR OPTIC NERVE.
Yay, someone else who is color blind. Mine is blue and green, which always flips people out. After 10 years of marriage, my wife will still say things like “Can you grab me that blue cup?” Usually the stare reminds her…
Ha ha ha!! No wonder you are so sexy and awesome!…alcohol in the coffee in the am……vicodin topping on freeze dried ice cream in the afternoon……I can only imagine what’s in store for after dinner…????
Pad thai…mmm. Now I’m hungry.
I wish my optic nerves were still sexy. However, they somehow heard that they were turning 40 last year and decided that they would not enforce the rules for the rest of the eye components. So that means I’m going to need reading glasses one of these days.
I love you so much right now.. and would love you even more if you could send me a vicodin to slip in my coffee…
Pad thai is good for most of what ails you, unless it is excessive sexiness.
Pad Thai scares me. Does it have that awful Indian curry that make the whole world smell?
Pain killers and pad thai. That’s what I should have asked for for Mother’s Day. Maybe next year. . .
x
Paula
http://www.adhocmom.com
When I was in paramedic school, one of the ER residents was doing an ultrasound study and asked if she could due an abdominal ultrasound while I was rotating through. Her conclusion? I have a beautiful spleen. To this day I share that fact with nearly everyone I meet.
Your beautiful optic nerve and my beautiful spleen could make beautiful music. Or at the very least, get really drunk and have raunchy sex.