When I found out that last crotch parasite did not, in fact, come with a penis, I will fully admit to you, Pranksters, that I cried. Not like the big UGLY cry, but still, there were some tears. I’d wanted a daughter so badly and this was my last baby and I’d always sort of pictured my life surrounded by a sea of sausages. I’d never thought I’d be lucky enough to have a daughter.

And there she was, resplendent in her pixelated glory, mooning me on the ultrasound screen. My Amelia. Clearly, her mother’s daughter.

When she was born, she was a sleepy little thing, all big bush-baby brown eyes, sweet as pie, even through her brain surgery. We can all now safely say that she handled it better than the rest of us did, and it wasn’t until she started moving that I really noticed something.

Amelia is…okay, I’m just going to say it. Amelia is the Incredible Hulk. You take something away from her and she’s all “HULK SMASH, ME ANGRY, I KILL YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP WOMAN.” I’m actually sort of afraid to go to sleep without locking my doors, which is a FIRE HAZARD, yo. You know I am Captain Safety, Internet.

She’s just so fucking determined to get what she wants that I fear for anyone–or anything–that dares to get in her way.

See, I took the TV remote away from her the other day, because she’s destroying it, right? And I swear to Baby Jesus, the girl is now planning to somehow hoist a dead, bloody horse head into bed next to me now. She may weigh 23 pounds, but that is 23 pounds of DOOM that will fuck your shit UP when you don’t give her the motherfucking remote.

Because I am also a slave laborer, I make my eldest empty the dishwasher–a task that my youngest also loves to help with. And by “help” I mean, “strew the silverware around the kitchen.” So my mom was trying to hold Amelia OUT of the dishwasher so that it could be done in a fraction of the time and perhaps no one would get a concussion from a rogue, flying knife.



Amelia was all, “FUCK YOU” and screamed and slithered and writhed until she was put down, where she very happily collected all of the clean spoons. Then she tried to beat her brother about the head with them until I pried them from her hands, and I swear she looked at me with murder in her mind. Luckily, she cannot kill me with spoons, because I hid them all.

The girl is seriously going to break bones, suck the marrow out and then beat someone to death with the hollow empty shells.

When I noted this to my mother, she said, “Oh, she reminds me of someone that I know.”

Thinking she probably meant John Wayne Gacy, I said, “Pogo, the Killer Clown?”

She didn’t even laugh before looking hard at me and saying, “No, Rebecca. YOU.” Then she kept staring at me like I was supposed to say something.

Eventually I retorted with, “Well…the prospect of eating bone marrow makes me want to puke.”

And then I reached for the number for my GP to see if he can put me in a coma for the next 18 or so years.

My daughter

Here you see Amelia rocking out with a homemade shiv. She’s about to cut her brother for hogging the water bucket.


What I didn’t tell you is that every Easter, every time we got any sort of animal-themed cake, I ate the head. I INSISTED upon eating the head. This is the lamb cake BEFORE I ate the motherfucker’s head.

I guess that she’s my daughter after all.

81 thoughts on “My Daughter, Myself?

  1. 1. She looks just like you! Adorable.

    2. Why do you have a water bucket? You know they have this great thing called indoor plumbing now….

    3. I am afraid of you both, quite frankly.

  2. I think I peed a little bit! We don’t know what we are having yet, but if it is a girl….the hubster had better watch out…I feel like our daughter will be just like me!

  3. My first thought was, “Why does she have her daughter dressed up in that old-fashioned dress? And what’s with the weirdo sheep cake?” Look at it this way: at least you have another strong, empowered (beautiful!) woman with you to battle the sausage fest in your house!
    BTW – I am deathly terrified that my future progeny will turn out exactly like me. Or, god save us all, my husband and I combined. My grandmother likes to tell me that I was “precocious.” I guess that’s one word for it. My husband threw knives at his brothers and lit the spouts of gas cans. Maybe we should adopt…

  4. My 20 month old daughter hit me in the face with her highchair tray and I got a bloody nose and a fat lip.
    She also has that “oh no you didn’t” look when I take the remote away.

  5. it will be sweet lord was I really like this for the next 16 or so years prepare for lots of laughter from the ones who survived your childhood. Best revenge for parents ever

  6. Aren’t parents great? Their entire purpose in life is to wait until we have children and then tell us how the horrible behaviors in which our children engage are JUST LIKE WHAT WE DID WHEN WE WERE THEIR AGE! Then they laugh and laugh.

    Amelia does look just like you! But, I think you have to worry not as much about the marrow sucking as the fact that she looks like a cuddly bunny who wouldn’t hurt a flea. Soooooo much more dangerous that way.

  7. My daughter just turned 13. She’s the spitting image of me and, according to my husband, we act exactly alike too. But as for our own opinions, we each maintain that the other one is crazy.

  8. I am glad I am not the only one with a Hulk-like baby. My mom says it’s her revenge 34 years later. I imagine yours is laughing when your back is turned too…

  9. I used to eat the heads off of everything too. My story was that after that, they couldn’t feel anymore pain…

    The moments when my soon to be 12 year old demon spawn is acting (in my mother’s opinion) just like me, are probably the happiest moments in my mother’s life.

  10. Love the story. I woke up with my little daughter standing over me holding a big heavy glass in a pose that I’m sure was just before she was about to smash it over my face. I was T-errified. I think she was just thirsty though, she seemed satisfied enough when I got her a drink. Maybe that’s what I told myself at the time, but 10 years later, I still sleep with one eye open because I see that evil glare in her eye every now & then … only now it’s attached to a horrid and hormonal pre-teen. Now I know why master bedrooms really have locks on the doors.
    Cute cute pics.

  11. I absolutely CANNOT eat the head of anything. If it’s got eyes it kind of turns my stomach.

    And holyjesusmonkeys, Amelia looks like you! I thought so before but after seeing a (super adorable, awww) photo of you as a little girl it is even more obvious.

  12. Ha Ha! CatPS called your dress “Old Fashioned” That makes you sound what? 80-ish? Awesome.

    I’m sorry, that was uncalled for…
    I’m just jealous that your adorable monster is pretty much a carbon copy of you…
    We still can’t figure out who the real mother is of my 3 daughters but my name is on the birth certificates so for now they keep unloading MY dishwasher.

  13. haha! sounds like Stewie from Family Guy…she does look just like you, as everyone’s been saying. Super cute!

    I’m a little terrified you would insist on eating the heads…

  14. I liked eating the heads off of things too. Or biting the heads off and sticking them to other things…gummi bears, animal crackers, etc. Little Mimi, DOES look just like you! Adorable of course! My oldest looks so much like me that sometimes strangers (to her) come up to her and ask if she’s my daughter. We sound alike too, her boyfriend has started many a conversation with me, before he realizes I’m not a 17 year old.

  15. Cute. Maybe you should have named her Elizabeth…as in Lizzie Borden. Just keep the axe in the shed and lock it…well.

  16. Dude, the sheep cake is super creepy. I’d like to wonder aloud at how many animal cakes did you actually have growing up? I, for one, would likely insist upon eating the head of an animal cake as well…if I had ever had one…but since I can safely say that I have never seen one, I have avoided eating heads all my life. I’m a little bit jealous in fact.

  17. ZOMG, does she look like you!!!! That is so full of the Awesome, that the next generation will have an Aunt Mimi to help them through life with laughter and eating the heads off of bitches who cause their friends trouble. For the record, my daughter is pretty hulking too, but she also does the crying thing to get her way- very intentionally, I might add, for a not-quite-one-year-old. And what is it about the fucking remote???? It’s like crack for babies. My daughter also likes to “help” with the dishes. This means she puts all clean dishes on her head and then throws them on the floor. I am always greeted with a kitchen strewn with tupperware “hats” that she has tried on and discarded.
    For the record, I think this might just be your funniest post ever. I think it even tops “butt sex check”. Score!

  18. It’s the cute, sweet, innocent-looking ones you have to watch out for. Btw, I’m pretty sure Hannibal Lecter started his career by devouring the heads of lamb cakes. Just sayin’.

    As for surviving She Hulk, I’m pretty sure I remember coming across something about “vodka” and “Vicodin” on your blog and/or Twitter. May I suggest you employ them, albeit in moderation? I have found that a 10 a.m. Screwdriver does wonders for my temperament — and, bonus, I get a shot of Vitamin C.

    For what it’s worth, my daughter (and there’s a reason she’s an only child) was quite the sumo wrestler as a toddler and has turned into a rather sweet lovely tween whom parents and teachers rave about. (Clearly, they must be referring to some other child.)

    Love your blog. Just found it — and added a link to you on my blog, J-TWO-O. Would be pleased as (rum) punch if you would return the favor.

  19. I’d eat that sheep head too if it was looking at me like that — and I’m a vegetarian.

    My daughter sounds a lot like yours. She is ferocious. She runs down the hall like a football player. She knocks you out with the intensity of her anger. But she loves just as hard, and that’s pretty awesome. 🙂

  20. 1. Holy moley, you daughter looks like you. I might would place bets that she acts like her mommy to??

    2. I like your new page. If you changed it a long time ago and I am just now noticing I am very sorry…

  21. Oh my fucking God, reading a post from you makes my heart sigh. Because you say “motherfucker” a lot, so you make me feel normal.


    Fucking. Hilarious.

    PS I can not WAIT to meet you at BlogHer.

    PPS If we ever got Amelia and Rocco together, they would destroy the planet.

  22. She looks just like you!

    And what’s the point of having kids if you can’t make them do all your chores? My daughter refills my wine glass if I tell her we are playing “restaurant”.

    That is probably the most genius thing I have ever come up with.

    Next up: LAUNDROMAT.

  23. I absolutely love this!!! 🙂
    You and i have the same type of daughter.. the ones you love to death and can be the sweetest girls on the earth.. until..
    they dont get there own way!!
    my fucking goodness they can be rotten!i know how too well you feel.
    my Daughter is nearly 5 and is has only just started to get better,
    she has her days though.
    i <3 your blog.

  24. You’re going to LOVE the next 18 years. There will be moments … but I predict (call it an educated guess) you will mostly feel proud while laughing your ass off. And eating the heads off animal cakes is a good thing.

  25. You MUST explain the water bucket btw! So they dont splash in the toilet? (my boos did that, and yuck). The remote thing is supposed to be a guy thing, cept its not when it comes to kids (TWINS EVEN) who are of the opposite sex.

    And yes, you are lucky (I assume) to have outgrown tapes to DVD’s, I only recently changed like 2 years ago. 4 years before that I was all about watching on the computer because the twins thought that Ellio’s pizza would be a good fit for a VCR, while playing wiggles!

  26. Just make the girl do the damn dishes. My baby had freakin’ cerebral palsy and I make her get all the silverware out when we empty the dishwasher. I tell her it is her chore and she loves it. Heh-heh.

    What the fuck is up with lamb cakes? Did yours smoke? I saw some on Cakewrecks once and kinda didn’t believe it, particularly those that smoke.

  27. ROFLMFAO!!! I love you Aunt Becky. She sounds just like my niece. That girl is a born drama queen. You take something away and she just gives you this look of “YOU WHORE!!!” Its dang funny. And anytime she meets new people, they get the “Are you worthy to be in my presence?” look. Its the awesome sauce.

  28. bwahahahah .. oh …

    I laugh cos it’s you .. then realised my 1yr is as determined and scary as yours. *shivers*

  29. The other night Em (9 months) got in a tug of war with L(2 yrs) over a toy and we decided to see what happened instead of breaking it up. (It’s ok, tho, b/c no money was involved). E totally won. We laughed and L looked a little scared.

  30. Congratulations on your powerful genetics! I’m jealous you have such a cute, fiery little girl (my fiery girl is getting old and mealy), and I’m also jealous that you have a laundry chute.

  31. I always eat the Peep heads first, well, no, actually first delicately bite off the eyes, THEN eat the heads. That seems different from eating a cake animal head, though. Maybe because the Peeps are lower-commitment? To eat that sheep head, you would have had to drop everything, hold it with both hands, and then eat A LOT of cake.

    She does look just like you. Adorable, the both of you.

  32. Wait until you try to take away her bedazzled cell phone. You will be in a shitstorm of trouble then. Better slobber on those cheeks for me before she feels neglected by her Auntie MB. I don’t want to wake up to her standing over me with that paci-shiv.

  33. I swear that we cannot let Amelia and my Adam meet. They will end up married and on the road like Bonnie and Clyde. I just told a friend, “Everyone says Adam is sooo good,” and as she pulled him off of the ceiling for the 80th time she said, “What they mean is that he is in a good mood while he does this shit.”

  34. Becky – Found your blog very recently (and became a Twitter fan – I’m the Barney comment lady). I must say, I love that you use the phrase “Baby Jesus.” (There’s a pretty hilarious story there, but it’s way too long and possibly inappropriate for a comment post.) It’s one of my favorites. And it makes my mom and I giggle all the time. Don’t tell that to the other people I live with in the Bible Belt. I might be…JUDGED! (insert scary music here)

    I just read through your “about me” and your Amelia story. Goodness gracious. Sounds like, though it all, you lead, for lack of a better word, a blessed life. I look forward to keeping up with your blog and tweeting with you!

  35. I have to tell you this post just put a huge smile on my very bitchy face. Thanks. Just think Easter is almost here and you and your daughter can eat some cake animal heads together. Think of the bonding.

  36. Wow, no DNA needed there hon — she’s a mini me.

    It’s bad that my daughter and I don’t even like peeps, but I shall buy two packs in two separate colors so that we may do evil frankenstein things to them, biting off heads and then placing the on the wrong way onto a body of another color . . . isn’t it. Sigh.

  37. Can I say clone?
    She’s also clearly making her way up to the glass ceiling.

    Where Amelia will promptly crash through it.
    With spoons no doubt!

    You go girly!

  38. ok. i have two girls Big’K and Lil’K. 12 and 5. Big’K is … well…Aspie. and Lil’K is …well…. MY FREAKING PAYBACK.

    seriously. the incredible hulk fit…i know it very well. and she may be five. but sometimes i think she is smarter than me. and hey…im freakingfantabulous. so that would be a hard thing to do. but yeah she will f up yo shit in an instant.

    what is up with all of that?

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