My love of encased meats is the stuff that legends, dreams and the occasional nightmare are made of. Hot dogs (and diamonds) are probably the quickest way to my heart. They’re probably part of my heart by now, if you want to be technical about LDL’s and triglycerides and stuff, which I’d rather gloss over, thankyouverymuch, because that would prevent me from thoroughly enjoying my encased tube of lips and buttholes.

In my spam folder, nestled firmly between several notifications of “I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE” and “You won 750,000 in Premiere Oil Lottery,” I got a gem of a PR pitch.

I don’t, as you can imagine, get a whole lot of PR pitches. I swear and even though I’m pretty sure the *hums* Winds of Change are blowing through the advertising world and I’d bet we’re going to see a lot of changes in the world of marketing and advertising on actual blogs (not just the ones that are saccharine sweet), we’re not there yet.

(I’d asked on The Twitter a couple weeks back if I should write about “Crappy Ex-Boyfriends” or “Making Money Blogging” and people responded, of course, to “crappy ex-boyfriend” not seeing the obvious joke I was making)(speaking of that, I need to choose a winner in the Shut Your Whore Mouth Shirt contest)(tomorrow, I’ll announce it)

So I don’t get a lot of PR pitches which is just as well. I’d rather not subject you guys to what amounts to an ad because, well, there’s plenty of blogs out there that do that already. And I chafe at the idea of doing some ad agencies job for them without getting paid their salary. A $4 coupon isn’t a salary. My readers, my blog, and my space is worth a hell of a lot more than some crappy coupon.

Okay, I may need to lay down a second before I stroke out.

But this gem of a PR pitch was superb.

It was for corn dogs.

I love corn dogs, Pranksters. I could write a thousand posts about corn dogs and still not get close to how deeply I feel about corn dogs. They are sublime. Hot dogs, on a stick, covered in, uh, corn something, then deep-fried. Often found at the Fair, along with mullets, monster truck rallies, and cotton candy, I consider corn dogs to be one of Nature’s Perfect Foods.

(let’s disregard how unnatural corn dogs are, okay? Okay.)

But this pitch, oh, it had me rolling. I was dying. DYING. Let me give you a taste. I changed a bit of it around, but not the insulting (to you) bits:

Blah, blah blah. Here’s a video we want you to put on your blog. Your readers will like it, they will choose their own adventure and pick the outcome of the video.

If they choose the correct path, there’s a coupon at the end for them!

Please share this funny video on your fabulous and amazing blog. Your mom readers, who juggle the demands of everyday life and need quick and easy snacks, will truly appreciate this video and coupon.

Now, Pranksters, I like to think that I know most of you. I read your blogs (even if I haven’t been commenting – which, blame Google, who messed it all up for me) and I keep your comments pinned up on my wall.

I’d like to say this: I don’t think ANY of you would appreciate a video about corn dogs. Or, rather, a video about corn dogs sent to me by a PR firm.

I know I wouldn’t. But, I think there are some videos about corn dogs that I would watch.

Killer-clown-corndog

I would totally watch a movie about killer corn dogs.

corn-dog-eats-cheeseburgergoth-corn-dogA corn dog so conflicted by it’s love of cheeseburgers that it turns Emo? AMAZING. That would be a true work of art.

Those are movies about corn dogs I’d happily watch. Just, you know, saying.

While we’re on the subject of truly superb spam, here’s the best thing I’ve gotten in years, possibly ever:

now-that's-fucked-up

I’ll let you think on that. Because it’s spam. And I heart it so hard that I might cry.

Now, let’s talk about awesome PR pitches YOU get. Or spam. Or videos about corn dogs that should be made.

Really, the possibilities here are endless.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

39 Responses to Movies About Corn Dogs I Would Actually Watch

  • I’m kind of pissed that you’re not giving me the opportunity to choose my own adventure that may or may not lead to a coupon for corn dogs.

    How DARE you keep me from my corn dogs.

  • Susan says:

    I want the mosquito swatter racket. With that sweet LED light to lure the mosquitoes I could stay busy for hours!

  • Squatlo says:

    Corn Dogs? Gag… they take me back to those grocery store parking lot carnivals with the Unsafe at Any Speed mad mouse rides, poorly disguised ring-toss scams, and the plethora of heavily tattooed in-bred mutants who leer and glare from behind the tents as they wait for their cue to disassemble the traveling botulism fest for the next Kroger parking lot over in Springfield or Shelbyville. Those mass-produced frozen pork parts-is-parts sawdust snacks are notoriously nasty, and it sounds like you’re well aware of the contents, yet can’t help but savor every bite. I’m the same way about Wendy’s cheeseburgers. I know better than to think I’m going to enjoy the aftermath of one of my grease-orgies at Wendys, but I can’t drive past one without a serious struggle between good Squatlo and that evil bastard who’s busy counting the bills in my wallet to see if I can afford to swing by for a combo meal on my way home to a home cooked meal. I’m addicted to Wendys burgers… does that make me a weak and shallow person? Or just a man with incredibly bad taste in fast food? (heavy sigh…)

  • Stacey says:

    That mosquito swatter racket is, indeed, a thing of beauty. We have a bird, therefore we have a moth issue. The moths, you see, stow away in the bird food. Even though I freeze the bird food as suggested, every now and then a rogue moth will make it out of the freezer alive, and I swear they can reproduce without the aid of another moth. In any event, my boyfriend revels in killing the moths with our new vacuum cleaner. He gleefully sucks them up with the attachment want, all the while laughing his devilish laugh. Now if only I could get him to actually vacuum the floor when he’s done murdering moths. I’m sure he would have equally as much fun with the mosquito swatter racket.

  • Amanda G. says:

    OMG. That is beautiful. Beautiful stuff! I need that mosquito racket ASAP. Wow. I wonder if they need a spokesperson. Hmmmm….

  • Anne says:

    I got the same pitch about corn dogs but have to admit, I didn’t read it as carefully as you did. Maybe because they didn’t offer me the $4 coupon? I have worked at PR agencies for 20 years and I know I am not any PR agency’s dream blogger, but I do get a few pitches. I have gotten a couple that were good but so many more that were awful. If you are feeling left out, I can certainly arrange for you to receive more pitches in the future:).

  • MissHannah says:

    I haven’t ever tasted (or even seen) a corn dog. Sounds…interesting.Would try it, once, just for the experience. We do however have something wonderful here (I use the term loosely, as in, its a wonder anyone eats it)called a “Turkey Twizzler”. Yep, it probably IS made of turkey’s twizzlers. mechanically recovered and minced turkey “meat” shaped into a spiral which you then fry or oven bake. eeeeuuurrgghhh.*hurl*

    Another random weird coated thing I tried while on hols in Scotland was a mars bar (do you have those?chocolate, caramel and kind of nougat stuff) dipped in batter then depp-fried. from a fish and chip shop. Utterly grim.

  • I NEED the Mosquito swatter racket how have I lived 32 years without it?

    And Spam I tell ya. I get so much it’s not even funny. I get stuff for Penis pumps and Viagra I’m not equipped. WTF. I get stuff from my Rich Uncles all over the place who want to send me little old me money. And my Financial Advisor I didn’t even know I had. Plus things about my Private Jet you think someone could have told me about my Private Jet!

    And my love for corn dogs runs just as deep as yours our love affair is one that will last forever. Or till my cardiologist breaks us up.

  • The Mommy says:

    I heart corn dogs. Really. I would watch a video for a 50cent corndog coupon. Please?

  • The Mommy says:

    I heart corn dogs. Really. I would watch a video for a 50cent corndog coupon. Please?

  • I got one about a month ago for Little Debbie cakes. I have no idea why. I don’t eat them. We’re Hostess purists in this house. That Devil Bitch & her little cake do not cross the property line.

  • Heather says:

    You would fucking love Germany, then. I just wrote a post a few days ago days ago about how in my village (not as quaint as it sounds) there is a nightly meat truck that rolls up and down the street delivering TUBED MEAT. You’d loseyourshit. (think ice cream truck with hot dogs and bologna)

    And I’m big on any fair food. In fact, I wish there was a restaurant in the mall that only served fair food, but of all varieties (corn dogs, turkey legs and corn on the cob on a stick). And in the mall because that’s obviously where that restaurant belongs.

  • Amanda says:

    Corn dogs = Not bullshit.

    Although, I’m sort of with those that would have loved to have viewed a corndog video!

    Maybe, there is a niche for you there. You can be the blogger with the worst pitches on their blog! People would flock to see all the dancing corndogs and whatnot that you would attract!

  • Karen V. says:

    I’ve not really read the spam. I just delete it but now I’m curious. And hungry.

  • Jolie says:

    1. Corn dogs are dipped in cornmeal batter and fried. b/c hot dogs are too healthy naked from the pack. bwa ha ha!
    B. Did you ever see the little cartoon before the movies with the hotdog doing backflips? I’m picturing it for your blog…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rluD6gcc62M&feature=related
    the hotdog jumping into the bun trainer is a bit disturbing at the end. Just warning ya.
    III – if I’m a busy mom who has to “juggle the demands of everyday life and need quick and easy snacks” – I’m not gonna have 10 min to play a guessing game and try to win a coupon. Just gimme the coupon dude.
    I’m still thinking you should do a cross country tour of state fairs. For real.
    :)

  • Lanita says:

    Mainly I get spammed by Russians selling me something. Since they are usually written in the cyrillic alphabet, I’m not exactly sure what they are trying to sell me. But, I am almost positive it must be for Russian corn dogs.

  • Denise says:

    I must admit, I really love corndogs. Now I’m hungry.

  • BitOWit says:

    Corndogs used to be my favorite at the fair, foot longs slathered with mustard fresh from the vat of greasy deliciousness. Then, three years ago, there came a new sheriff in town… the mighty DEEP FRIED CHEESEBURGER (cue explosions and purple unicorns shooting out your ass)!!! I wistfully glance at the corndog stand as I am pulled by my dearly beloved to the trailer of death. It will be my undoing, I am sure of it, myocardial infarction is in my future. I feel a lumbar puncture coming on, I must go lay down.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oh. My. God. Let’s make out. I am ready to hump the idea of the deep-fried cheeseburger. Also: maybe we can get a 2-for-1 on Lipator prescriptions!

  • Melissa says:

    mmmmm, corndogs. With tons of yellow mustard. Heaven on a stick.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I know. I KNOW. *drooooools*

    • Kathryn says:

      Oh man, I would eat corndogs every day if I could, but I’d skip the mustard and slather ‘em in ketchup. Might have to go to Sonic for lunch, now!

      Btw, Aunt Becky, I would LOVE to choose-my-own-adventure corndog style, especially if it means coupons. Odds that you’ll post the video?

  • Kyddryn says:

    I don’t get PR pitches, which may be a good thing since I couldn’t sell air-conditioners to the people in Hell.

    My spam box seems to think I need an erection and that I’ve inherited millions from some foreign national.

    Excuse me, baby’s crying…guess I’ll never get to collect those millions…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • jenn says:

    “can you drive me to hot topic? I need more black eyeliner.” awesome.

  • jenn says:

    “can you drive me to hot topic? I need more black eyeliner.” awesome.

  • Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, I fell off my chair reading this post! I just discovered your blog, and after 2 mere minutes I am madly in love with you.

    I have a feeling I’m going to be spending ages on your site, just to catch up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna find out more about that tshirt contest. Want!!!

  • AmyBlam says:

    How about corn dogs that are engaged in a diamond heist? Or corn dogs that are encased in diamonds? Lady Gaga corn dogs. That would be something.

  • jules says:

    Mmmmm corn dogs . . .very good. BUT-even better are the Pronto Pups-very similar, yet superior to the delicious corn dog. Pronto Pups are dipped in a beer batter (I think) instead of a cornmeal batter. And I’ve only seen them at the fair . . .

  • Karia says:

    I once received an envelope addressed to me in handwriting and while I vaguely recognized the return address as familiar, I did not recognize the name. Inside was an ad for a natural supplement for enhancing female sexual experience, there was a name and phone number at the bottom, name matched the return address but again I did not recognize it.

    The return address bugged me because I KNEW that I knew that address, it was in the same town that I lived in and was a residential address, not a business. So I googled it and the name/address of my new accountant popped up.

    About a month prior, I had my first appointment with this accountant to get my taxes done. My 75-year-old aunt referred me, the accountant is a friend of hers from church. And that’s when it all came flooding back to me, I remembered when I arrived, this 40-something-year-old answered the door. I hadn’t yet met the accountant and while I thought he looked young for someone who would be friends with my 75-year-old aunt, hell I’m not one to judge, and so I engaged in friendly chat until I said we should get started on my taxes. The guy mentioned he wasn’t the accountant, his stepfather was, he showed me up to the office and that was that. We did my taxes, I left, I got my return in record speed, and was otherwise very happy.

    Until I got the ‘spam’ letter.

    I called my accountant and asked him if he shared my records with anyone. He said no, I explained to him what I received, he was mortified. He explained his stepson is unemployed, always is, and was living with them for the time being. He presumes his stepson went snooping and pulled records but that yes, he does sell natural supplements.

    He was even more horrified to hear what they were for, I mean this poor accountant follows the letter to law, he’s a great accountant and very reasonably priced. But he IS in his 70’s, knows my aunt from their church group, I’m pretty sure he is convinced Jesus Christ was one of the original signatures on the US Constitution, and here his stepson is snooping through his clients records and sending ads for natural supplements to enhance female sexual satisfaction.

    What made the entire ordeal worth it was when my accountant said, all irritated, “How could he DO THIS?! If he bothered to read any further, he would have seen that you are single!”.

    Yes, that’s the problem with this scenario.

    I kept the accountant, and the last two times I’ve seen him there’s been no evidence of the stepson. ALTHOUGH, I would kick his ass if I saw him, not for my experience, but because he also spam mailed my Mom an ad for a weight loss supplement.

  • KarenN says:

    Yea, me and my kids love corndogs, and BTW, Culver’s the burger joint has really good corn dogs.

  • Sunny Delaney says:

    I heard The Palm Beach County Fair had Burgers served between two Glazed Donuts! Now, I have weird tastes and will eat some strange shit, but the thought of this just made me GAG!

    Corndog Adventures just might = AWESOME!

  • Linda Crowe says:

    I get the “are you ready for a hot time?” spam, on a daily basis. Also, strange messages about a surprise waiting for me, and the message is in very broken English. From people with names like Ahem Barook, or other obviously made up strangeness. And hey, on FOOD network, they had a corn dog deep fried with a thick strip of bacon wrapped around it. How good is that???

  • You said, “I’d like to say this: I don’t think ANY of you would appreciate a video about corn dogs.”

    Here’s one that might change your mind. It’s not totally about corn dogs and all, but they were clearly the inspiration, and the catalyst behind the dream.

    http://www.tellingdad.com/2009/where-corn-dogs-roll/

  • SharleneT
    Twitter: SolarChief
    says:

    You’re going to kill me but I do NOT like corn dogs. So, probably wouldn’t watch a movie of them — HOWEVER, (and this should keep me in good stead) I always bought them for my girls at the fair. I’m strictly an ear of corn, turkey leg, fair person. This year, we had those goddawful burgers in Krispy Kreme buns. I didn’t eat one, but it was fun watching everyone else… Please don’t hate me….

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