Dear Vincent D’Onofrio,

We’ve had a year together, and it’s been joyous, hasn’t it? I fell for you when the pregnancy hormones made me nearly impossible to deal with, and my husband learned that plugging me into the television ensured that I wouldn’t pick a fight with him over the ugly light fixtures in the kitchen or my copious toe hair.

I endured many criticisms over our love, darling Vincent, mainly from my friends who couldn’t possibly understand what I saw in a slightly chubby actor almost as old as my father. They showed me pictures of you as Sgt. Pyle (which was a terrible name. Did you know that the Brits call hemmorhoids “piles”? You should have negotiated for a better name when you took that role. I’m just saying.) and as the bug from Men In Black, and I let it roll off my back like so many drops of water into the ocean of our love (or something).

As an avid People reader, I was shocked to learn that not only are you married, but your wife is having a baby. YOU ARE HAVING A BABY WITHOUT ME, and I don’t appreciate that one teeny bit, Vincent. Sure, we’ve never actually “met” in the most literal sense of the word, but that shouldn’t have stopped you from pining for some anonymous (but fabulous) midwestern girl (with bonus kicky hair!), AND NOT KNOCKING SOME OTHER LADY UP!

I mourned our lost love for a couple of weeks, before I made the acquaintance of a new television boyfriend for whom I can pine, someone who is honest about his wife and child but is snarky enough that I can overlook this weeny little detail: Anthony Bourdain.

I can practically hear you laughing through the miles when I say this, because, as you well know, I am not a cook. Maybe I’m even an “anti-cook” as I’d imagine you’d say, with my favorite recipe being “shamelessly order takeout.” In fact, 99% of the things my new boyfriend eats with gusto, I wouldn’t touch with someone else’s mouth and stomach. You might even say to me, “Now Becky, you don’t even CARE about food,” and you would be correct, I don’t. But I do care very much that he can work the phrase “Oh, there’s a pube in my drink” into television. I care about that very much.

As you know, Vincent, “pube” and “moist” are two of my favorite unintentionally hilarious words, and to hear him use one of those appropriately made me swoon with love. For him. Not you. Because the best that you can give me is acting like more of a lunatic and forgetting to shave your face, WITHOUT using either of those words, the words that are (partially) the key to my heart (like hotdogs!).

I’m sorry, Vincent, but it’s over between us, and I hope that you’ll agree that it’s for the best.

With Love (but less than I have for my new boyfriend. A lot less.),

Becky

PS. I hope that your baby cries. A lot.

PPS. A quick internet search has led me to realize that many other people shared my love for you, and they make me feel quite gooshy (in a bad way) inside. They’re creepier than me, right?

PPPS. Hope that you’re not getting any sleep with that new baby.

—————-

So, who is YOUR most shameful crush? C’mon, I know I’m not the only person who has inappropriate crushes on weird celebrities.

Am I?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

48 Responses to Move Over, D’Onofrio

  • Chris says:

    HAHAH! So you think, as one of those people who mocked you for your crush on the BUG from MEN IN BLACK that I’m going to TELL YOU who I have a shameful crush on? You’ve got to be fuc–

    –ok. It’s Snoop Dogg.

  • Kim says:

    bourdain rocks. and I must say so does Bobby Flay. I am a foodie. Used to own our own restaurant and I did all the cookin’. So EYE do understand your pull to Anthony and I have the same fascination….but I’d never go out to dinner with him.

    xo

  • Kristin says:

    This means less competition for me in the Vincent D’Onofrio arena then, yes?

    I also really like Ice-T in Law and Order SVU. He is the worst actor EVER and yet, I cannot imaging the show without him. I do not have a crush on him though – and even if I did – I wouldn’t broadcast it for fear that his wife’s camel toe might eat me. Seriusly, though, that bitch must be CHAFED.

  • Kristin says:

    imaging = imagine.

  • Karen says:

    You are hysterical. I know so many women who love Vincent D’Onofrio. (I personally find him annoying – actually it is probably just the CI character). And I have 2 friends who are mad about Anthony Bourdain. I find him cool, but not loveable. In the cooking world, I am all about Tom Colicchio. I love me some bald men. LOL

  • becky says:

    I fucking love Snoop Dog. Seriously. Crush is too strong a word for my love of him, though. I’d just like to pinch his cheeks and hug him.

    Fatherhood cracks my ass up, and I am so happy it’s on the air.

  • Andria says:

    Alton Brown. I so love Alton Brown.

  • Emily R says:

    Harrison Ford. Bradley Whitford. Lawrence Fishbourne. John Cusack.

    And — of course — Will Smith.

    And then there are the ladies. Don’t even ask about the ladies.

  • Juli says:

    Not telling.

    Even *I* have SOME shame.

  • baseballmom says:

    Ami James and Chris Nunez on Miami Ink, and Guy Fieri on the Food Network. Oh, and Eminem. Snoop’s cute too. Damn…and Usher, Ludacris, and 50 Cent. Okay, I’ll stop.

  • becky says:

    Kristin, D’Onofrio is all yours. We may be having an affair, but hey, you’ll have to get used to that. And Ice-T is fantastic, so is his wife (and yes, I’m sure her camel toe might suffocate you).

    Andria, I had to look up Alton Brown, and I don’t have any clue who he is. If he’s as snarky as Anthony Bourdain, I might fight you for him :)

  • Jenn says:

    Umm. I have had a crush on Maynard from Tool since I was about 11, haha. What can I say? ;)

  • bri says:

    Jean-Luc Picard.

  • MsPrufrock says:

    I can’t take the bloatedness that is D’Onofrio. That, and I can’t help but hear “In a few seconds you won’t even BE matter!” in my head every time I see him. Though I have no love for D’Onofrio whatsoever, I seem to know some trivia about him, which, frankly, depresses me. He has a kid with the actress Greta Scacchi, if you’re familiar with her at all. Additionally, he was Thor in Adventures in Babysitting, one of my favourite movies as a kid.

    Anyway, my crushes…well…I could go on and on. I have had an abiding love for Gary Oldman for near on 15 years now, and he’s almost as old as my Mom. My other crush that I should really keep quiet is Clarke Peters, who plays Lester Freamon on HBO’s The Wire. He might be 55, but he’s sexay as fuck, and his voice, well…just, well…I’m not ashamed of these two though. They may be unconventional famous man crushes, but there is nothing to be ashamed of!

  • Cricket says:

    I love Vincent in The Salton Sea.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0235737/

    Talk about quirky. He does that very well.

    I saw that movie because of my old and long-standing crush, Val Kilmer. I am finally over him, but for a while was ape over Jason Lee. Then I got frightened at my obsession with Scientologists and gave up crushes for a while.

  • camillia says:

    i absolutey adore vincent. and i think his wife is very beautiful. they look good together if you ask me. and they make gorgeous children too. just look at there first son elias. i’d like to receive a hug from the big guy at least someday

  • becky says:

    Ms. Prufrock, I also love me my Gary Oldman. Anyone who can do justice to Beethoven AND Sid Vicious is highly rated in my book. Man, I’m making myself sound as though I have a Daddy-Complex, which I assure you I do not.

    And Jenn, I love Tool and Maynard, but despite seeing them in concert at several small venues, I have no Earthly idea what he looks like. I should check into this.

  • becky says:

    Cricket, I went to YouTube to try and find clips of this movie that you suggested. And HOLY SHITBALLS, IF YOU WANT TO FEEL NORMAL ABOUT YOURSELF, NO MATTER HOW WEIRD YOU THINK YOU ARE, PUT VINCENT D’ONOFRIO IN THE SEARCH TERMS.

    People have made videos set to music of pictures of him.

    Wow. Just. Wow.

    And Camilla, I have no idea who his wife or kids are, so I’ll have to take your word for it. I didn’t even know he had a son. See, I’m a terrible star stalker.

  • Ashley says:

    Becky, I think YOU are my celebrity crush. Holy blog following…

    Seriously though, Rex Grossman. I’d do disgusting things to him.

  • honeywine says:

    Wuuu..I’m with Andria! ALTON! YAY! Becky, how can you not know Alton? You need a “Good Eats” marathon! He’s geeky adorable complete with humor. But for hot sweaty get-down-on-it…Ryan Reynolds. Hubahuba! But I get the older, knowledgeable, rugged loves too. I don’t remember any offhand, but that’s because I just watch the tv and say “I’d so do him right now.” to M. I can’t be bothered to remember names. lol

  • becky says:

    Dude, another guy I had to google to figure out who he is. I’m apparently, lamer than lame.

    And thanks, Ashley, you are MY celebrity crush! Want to marry me?

    Oh, wait….

    DAMN.

  • Amy says:

    I used to be in LOVE with Vin Diesel, I have this thing for bald guys with jacked arms…I haven’t seen him in anything recently and I’m not sure how I really feel about him anymore, but chances are I’d still do unmentionable things to to him if given the opportunity

  • becky says:

    Geeky and adorable computer guys are my standard MO. Take, for example, my husband, who epitomizes those traits.

    When it comes to TV crushes, I’m drawn to quirky guys, altho not necessarily sexxy ones. Vin Diesel is damn sexxy, and I sort of have a thing for The Rock, but mainly because he’s cool as hell and I want to just hang with him.

  • Heather says:

    Not to backtrack here, but who is Ice T’s wife?

    Mine would be Al Pacino, Nate Berkus (but clearly he would not be interested in me…), and maybe Orlando Bloom as the elf dude in Lord of the Rings, not as himself.

  • becky says:

    Her name is ‘CoCo’ and she is fab, even with outrageous the camel toe.

    Al Pacino is pretty sexxy, but who is Nate Berkus?

  • Heather says:

    Oprah’s decorating boy toy. He is lovely. He could be my boy Martha.

  • Val says:

    The loss is all yours, I assure you. Vincent is the ultimate Alpha Male, and we Vincent-Vixens will love him forever, fat or thin.

    PS Hope your baby cries a lot too. :)

  • Leslee says:

    I am obsessed with Shaun Morgan, lead singer of Seether, This dude Brett, lead singer of Dark New Day (you must forgive how red I am in the face, it was the July 4th weekend and The Machine Shop was full of hot, sweaty people moshing. SO.MUCH.FUN.). Then there’s always Johnnie Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Dave Navarro… They are all very yummy. But, I do believe you said embarrassing. For that, I have to own up to having a HUGE, GINORMOUS crush on Phil Collins and Robin Williams. NO idea why, but I love them and am not completely opposed to being a dirty whore for them, though I might need to incorporate some shaving into the picture if I were to be a dirty whore for Robin Williams.

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  • becky says:

    Don’t worry, Val. My baby cries plenty.

  • Cricket says:

    Auntie,
    In The Salton Sea, VdO plays a crank head/cook/distributer. Due to this hobby, he whittled away his nose and had to wear a fake one glued on. It looked bad. Sometimes it was crooked on purpose. Once, it came off as part of a scene and the film makers used cgi to make it look like there was just a nose hole in the front of his face. It was a freaky film.

  • Lindz says:

    My latest celebrity crush is, SHIA LEBEOUF, AND ALSO BENICIO SEL TORO! They are both awesome actors, and both ooze sincerity. I also like alton brown, he has a great sense of humor, and is very knowledgable about food, I bet he is a great cook, and if they can cook on the stove they can cook in bed.LOL.

  • becky says:

    EWWWWW! PHIL COLLINS!?! That’s awesomely bad! The man freaks me out.

    I’m so gonna rent this movie, Miss Cricket, it sounds pretty great.

  • Duchess says:

    Hey what about Anderson Cooper! He is FINE!!!

  • becky says:

    Lidnz, I freaking love me my Benicio del Toro, but see, I loved him when he was the bloated lawyer from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (one of my all time favorite movies), and at that point, he wasn’t even remotely attractive.

    Anderson Cooper IS fine as hell. Seriously, he’s hott.

  • PiquantMolly says:

    Coming way late to the party, but I just popped over here from BarrenAlbion (I’m Ms. Pru’s beloved Cheese Wife), snort-larfed over a few posts, and thought I’d add my most shameful celebrity crushes.

    For about a year and a half, I was hard-core into Stephen Merchant, Ricky Gervais’s writing partner/co-director/co-star. THE MAN IS 6’7″ AND A LANKY GOGGLE-EYED FREAK, but yes, I had a semi-terrifying obssession.

    Other celebrity crushes are James McEvoy (just saw him in Atonement and wanted to hump the screen), Alan Rickman (I know, daddy-complex, but I love that man), and the holy grail that is Clive Owen. I could get arrested in many states for the things I’d like to do to him.

  • Duchess says:

    yeah, Alan Rickman is nice and definitely Jason Issacs!

  • stacey says:

    i’m way late on this topic as well, but just found it today. Becky, you’re a riot. I had to laugh when you mentioned how ur friends picked on you about vincent, being chubby, and as old as ur dad. My husband got me watching CI and after a few, a started to have the CRUSH it doesn’t matter to me, even as a fatty, he’s HOT! My husband couldn’t believe i thought he was attractive. I also googled him and found out just how hot he used to be. His performances when he’s younger make me tingle. As for other stars: Johnny Depp(#1), orlando bloom, george clooney, mathew mcconahey (sp?) Johnny will always be in my heart but for now I AM OBBSESSED ON VINCENT!

  • Oh god…I just found your blog tonight and why? I typed in ‘vincent d’onofrio’….LOL It’s an unexplainable crush but after reading your blog..omg…

    Well I was going to say I feel normal…but to be honest it really only highlights my weirdness!

    Thanks for giving me a laugh & reality check! (I still luv him tho)

  • youre not strange for loving vincent. i, too, have had a long love affair with my tv over him. and who cares if he was a bug. all men have their drawbacks. ;)

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  • trish says:

    Have you seen The Whole Wide World? That’s where I started crushing on VdO. But then when I saw him in The Cell with Jennifer Lopez and he would hang himself in mid-air by his skin… *shiver* I think I got over my crush. But I lurve his nerdiness in CI.

    DUDE, I love Hugh Laurie and Simon Cowell. Mmm mmm mmm. The things I would do to them. And I think Simon Cowell is dirty enough to like it. :D

  • Susan says:

    I am still ridiculously, hopelessly, embarassingly in love with Vincent. God, did any of you see “Clare Dolan”? How about “The Fires Within”? The man can do things with his tongue that are illegal in some countries.

    My crush has become a tidal wave that has washed away my common sense. “The Cell” was on Cinemax the other night and I was watching Vincent do terrible things involving bleach and chain hoists. And so help me god, all I was thinking was “Damn, he’s hot”.

    Is this wrong?

  • Dave says:

    Feeling you Becky! Actually not at all. Goren gives me … massive attacks of nausea. The tempo of his speaking/acting makes me think that sepiku is not the worst activity in the world. Also the character of Goren is poorly written at best, he knows everything ye no one knows him. Yuck gag me with a spoon.

    One man crush I will reveal – Kyle MacLachlan.
    One woman crush I will reveal – Kirstin Dunst

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  • p jane says:

    So this is way late, but I’m working backwards here…

    Jeff Goldblum. Oliver Platt. (Bald) Stanley Tucci. Jack Black.

    Feel better? ;)

    MUCH. Although, I did have a crush on Anthony Hopkins after seeing him in Silence of the Lambs. Yeah. I know. I understand if you hate me now.

  • CrackityJane says:

    You don’t know me – and visa versa – and I’m also not sure how I got here, but Vincent D’Onofrio is the shit. Homeboy’s got sex oozing from his ears. I give thanks to that crazay film, The Cell, for my newfound Vincent love. Hummana-hummana!

  • MissHannah says:

    I have some very very weird ones and some *normal*. You can decide which is which…..

    Sean Connery
    Clint Eastwood
    Robert Redford (see a theme?)
    Idris ELba
    Daniel Craig
    Rufus Sewell
    Marilyn Manson

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