Dear Vincent D’Onofrio,

I fell for you when I was a crazy pregnant loon, and I learned that plugging myself into the television ensured that I wouldn’t pick a fight with anyone over the ugly light fixtures in the kitchen or my inability to move without waddling.

I endured many criticisms over our love, darling Vincent, mainly from my friends who couldn’t possibly understand what I saw in a slightly round actor almost as old as my father. They showed me pictures of you as Sgt. Pyle (which was a terrible name. Did you know that the Brits call hemorrhoids “piles”? You should have negotiated for a better name when you took that role. I’m just saying.) and as the bug from Men In Black, and I let it roll off my back like so many drops of water into the ocean of our love.

As an avid People reader, I was shocked to learn that not only are you married, but your wife is having a baby. YOU ARE HAVING A BABY WITHOUT ME, and I don’t appreciate that one teeny bit, Vincent. Sure, we’ve never actually ‘met,’ but that shouldn’t have stopped you from pining for some anonymous, but fabulous, Midwestern girl (with bonus kicky hair!), AND NOT KNOCKING SOME OTHER LADY UP!

How COULD YOU?

I mourned our lost love for a couple of weeks, in between arranging my socks and shaving my cats, before I made the acquaintance of a new television boyfriend: Anthony Bourdain.

Okay, okay, so I am not a cook. Maybe I’m even an “anti-cook,” I can hear you laugh, my favorite recipe being “shamelessly order takeout.” In fact, 99% of the things my new boyfriend eats with gusto, I wouldn’t be in the same room with.

You might even say to me, “Now Aunt Becky, you don’t even CARE about food,” and you would be correct, I don’t. But I do care very much that he can work the phrase “Oh look, there’s a pube in my drink,” ONTO MY TELEVISION. I care about that very much.

As you should know, Vincent, “pube” and “moist” are two of my favorite unintentionally hilarious words, and to hear him use one of those appropriately made me swoon with love. For him. Not you.

Because the best that you can give me is acting like more of a lunatic and forgetting to shave your face, WITHOUT using either of those words, the words that are the key to my heart (like hot dogs!)(and bacon!).

I’m sorry, Vincent, but it’s over between us, and I hope that you’ll agree that it’s for the best.

With Former Love (but less than I have for my new boyfriend. A lot less.),

Aunt Becky

PS. I hope that your baby cries. A lot.

PPS. A quick internet search has led me to realize that many other people shared my love for you, and they make me feel quite gooshy (in a bad way) inside. They’re creepier than me, right?

PPPS. Hope that you’re not getting any sleep with that new baby.

Comments

comments

39 thoughts on “Move Over D’Onofrio

  1. sometimes, but these days they are getting interupted by frequent (and by frequent, i mean every two hours, like clockwork) trips to the little girls room.

  2. Corey Haim? Gag me. Corey Feldman circa “Goonies,” maybe. I don’t have inappropriate naughty dreams about celebrities. Except there was that one time I was gettin’ down in Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsey…

  3. Lucas, Lucas, Lucas…LOL

    I was watching Bourdain last night when he was in Jamiaca, pretty cool stuff. While I like watching him, I enjoy Zimmerman better. I guess I have a thing for portly bald guys eating weird stuff…

  4. Sorry hon, but I hate your bf’s show because my husband Tivo’s it and always tries to watch it during dinner! You would think I’d be skinnier!!!

  5. Umm, yeah, Corey Haim is so not cool. I’m not feeling the love for Bourdain either, but I’ve never watched his show. If there’s good food in it, that’s enough to get me horny, though. Oh, and his voice is HOT!
    I like Vinny, but he is bloated, just like Vince Vaughn, who I still love even bloated, cuz he’s hysterical.

    I already told you about my inappropriate sex dreams of Eminem and Sonny on General Hospital, so I’ll tell you who the star of my sex dreams should be (although, Slim Shady is a crazy lover in my dreams with a serious body, so I should be happy). The man who makes my loins quiver is Charles Brandon from “The Tudors”. Holy SHIT, he’s is too gorgeous to even look at without a smile on my lips…

    I might have to steal this sex dream survey. Funny to see who people are attracted to.

  6. Whoops. I fucked that up. My sexxxy baby’s name is Henry Cavill. He plays Charles Brandon on the show. See, I can’t even think straight when he’s on my mind.

  7. You know, Anthony does it for me, too. Something about that tall, lanky bad boy. My family refers to him as “your boyfriend.”
    But naughty dreams? Honey, I’m so damn monogamous that even the one time I had a dream with BRAD PITT in it, he merely put his arm around me in a friendly sort of way.
    I need therapy.

  8. I had a dream about Paul Rudd once, and I love this guy. In the dream I just…hung out with him. Talk about your wasted opportunities.

    The only actual sex dreams I’ve had involving people recognisable to me were guy friends that are like my brothers. That’s just fucking disturbing.

  9. Is it sad that the only sex dreams I’ve had were about my husband when he wasn’t putting out?

    Yes, it sad I know.

  10. How does the fact that you are having a baby without him figure in again?? LOL

    I think you are even and the love affair should continue.

  11. Uh, yeah. Steve Thomas from This Old House (per my last post)! So weird, but kinda hot. And ya know what I found out? Very few people know him. I feel kinda sad about that…sad and old… 🙁

  12. Haim? Becky, I’m so disappointed.

    Bourdain rocks, though. And while I like Vincent on Law and Order just fine, no one beats Chris Noth (same L&O) and Christopher Meloni (L&O:SVU) for TV cops.

  13. “Moist. M-m-mm-mmmoist.”

    Years ago, a couple of friends and I used to sit around for the better part of Saturday nights saying this word to each other in the most disgusting way we could manage.

    Still gives me quite a kick.

  14. You just had to talk about Anthony. Now I’m going to get all hot and bothered. *I* would totally eat whatever it is he is eating, I obviously love him more than you, so there! (blows raspberries at Aunt Becky!)

  15. Why am I not surprised that you had a thing for Sgt. Pyle at one time? I have to admit though he is an awesome actor…I always forget it’s “just a show”…

    And yes, I have naughty thoughts! Hell, my husbands half-way across the world, so it doesn’t take much! My latest “fantasy”….McDreamy (Grey’s Anatomy)…mmm ~ what I wouldn’t do for a sip of that tall glass of water! 🙂

    Alright…time to go “freshen” up 🙂

  16. You have me laughing so hard – as always!!! As far as the naughty dreams – yes I’ve never had as many as I have now. I think because I can’t do the deed for the next four months (cerclage) and I’ve already been on a sex drought for the past two due to the previa I crave it more than ever and no sex = very naughty dreams! I know it’s slightly a different spelling – but my first main boyfriend’s last name was Donofrio and my first “naughty dream, LOL” Thanks for making me laugh 🙂

  17. Well, I’m not currently knocked up, but I did have a seriously nasty dream about Thomas Jane the other night. Probably because I watched “The Punisher” and had a couple of big glasses of wine before bed.

    If you don’t know of Mr. Jane, Google him. He is seriously hot. I’d let him punish me for days on end.

    Anthony Bourdain? Huh. Well, I’m not feeling it, but you do what makes you happy, baby. And it is better than Corey Haim. Hopefully you at least got Haim circa “The Lost Boys” and not the wreck he is today.

  18. Mmm, Anthony Bourdain.

    Nothing will top the warthog episode. You know the one. I have it on TiVo, and have made many people laugh until they pee with my description of that show.

    I have much like for Mr. Bourdain, but as long as Mike Rowe is a dirty, dirty man, Bourdain’s safe from my predations. I know, you felt threatened by the rotund, out of shape, non-warthog eating southern chick, so I just wanted to put you at ease.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  19. Well, I see you’re catching hell for Mr. Haim, and while he does rank pretty high on the “OH, no you didn’t” scale, I feel it is necessary to take some heat off of you and Corey.

    Gary Coleman. That’s all I’m saying. Or else I’ll have to kill myself. Enough said.

  20. Mr. Don’t Do Fritos, you been told!!!

    I have LOVELY naughty dreams but they always involve The Spouse. What does that say about me??????????

  21. good. now that you have moved on from my Vinnie I can get back to my plan of crawling into my tv when criminal intent is on and licking his face…mmmmmm

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