Any time you go to a blogging conference or hear about blogging or really blog ever, you hear the word, “monetize” which, I recently learned, has NOTHING to do with Monet’s paintings. I feel both shocked and saddened – like my whole life has been a joke.
(I was also recently horrified to learn that “non-stick” does not ACTUALLY mean “non-stick)(nor do Crab Cakes have CAKE in them)(what is this world COMING to?)
Anyway, I’m not so great at monetizing anything, including my blog, because I’m not very good at anything. Also: who wants to read a hastily thrown together piece about why I think dish soap rules – even if it’s true? Not me.
But thanks to my cess-pool children, I do have a cold. And having a cold sucks. Much as I’d like to sit around the house, flailing my arms and raspily yelling, “WHY GOD, WHY?” I figured that this might be An Opportunity. A GOLDEN opportunity.
Oh yes, Pranksters, I think I finally know what to do to Monetize This Cold: I can become a temporary phone sex operator.
I can see it already.
Me (deep-voiced and raspy): “Hey baby.” *hack, hack, hack*
Him: “Um, so what are you doing right now?”
Me: “Drinking a diet coke and feeling sorry for myself. You?”
Him: “I meant, what are you wearing?”
Me: “A stained tanktop and some gauchos.”
Me: “The tank top is red.”
Me: *coughs loudly*
Him: “So, uh, what do you want to do to me?”
Me: “I don’t know. Take flying lessons?”
Him: “I meant like, do you want to get me naked?”
Me: *sneezes wetly* “EW. NO. I don’t even know you.”
Him: “Do you want me to touch your breasts?”
Me: “GROSS, you creepy old fuck!”
Him: “This isn’t working.”
Me: “You got THAT right, Buddy.”
Hm. So maybe that’s a bad idea. Guess I’ll go back to Moneting things.