You: Five-foot ball of (presumably) woman with wisps of white hair on the top of your head, yet normal looking bright yellow hair to your shoulders on the sides, almost like that guy from Rocky Horror Picture show. You were as tall as you were wide wearing an indiscriminately grey sweat suit with running shoes that looked like marshmallows.

While I initially thought that there was something wrong with you (perhaps you were out on loan from one of the many area hospitals on a Day Out program or something), once you opened your mouth to berate your frail 100 year old (give or take, how could I be sure?) mother for being “a big stupid idiot,” I realized that no, you were just a huge bitch.

I mean, sure, older people can be kind of annoying (especially when they talk about their various medical maladies during dinner, or recount their last colonoscopy as you eat chocolate ice cream), but come on, the woman was clearly looking at a box of tissues. This may mean she has the sniffles, but not that she’s an idiot.

The way you dragged her up and down the aisles, making sure that you’re gigantic self blocked the entire aisle as you loudly waxed on and on about your collection of cats and their various maladies while telling her how much she sucked was pretty deplorable. I was going to say something to you, but I was afraid you would sit on me and that would be the end of Aunt Becky.

AND WHAT WOULD THE INTERNET DO IF ANOTHER MEDIOCRE BLOGGER STOPPED BLOGGING?

Anyway.

You wouldn’t know about my blog.

You were too busy making damn sure that my husband, The Daver and I would not be able to get in front of you so that we would not (I presume) beat you to the pork skins that you filled your cart with. Had you known that I do not eat pork and this would, no doubt, be a moot point, I am certain that you would still have blocked me with your blueberry shaped body.

I only came into contact with your face, which bore a striking resemblance to a melting candle, I must say, after The Daver and I thought we’d shaken you. But no, we approached the frozen food section of the store–where I was trying to buy eggs–just as you and your poor decrepit mother did. And although there was more than enough room for the lot of us, you blocked us with your cart. I noticed you’d bought only Friskies and fried pork skins.

When Dave tried to steer his cart around you (we were not gorging ourselves on all the free samples of ice cream they were shilling) so that we could get our eggs and move onto another section of the store (perhaps pesticides? That information is neither here nor there), you did a most odd thing.

Not only did you deliberately try to run into him with your cart, you then did the “talk to the hand” gesture in his face. Which, for a ball-shaped fat white lady, looked even more absurd than you can imagine it did. He narrowly escaped with only a minor scratch on his leg, but, you done fucked with my husband.

Bad idea, lady.

I waited until the right moment, as you were making a frantic beeline to the frozen pizzas and just as you thought you’d done showed me, I came up from behind and totally blocked your ass. You had to use all your muscles to stop your cart from t-boning mine.

The look on your melty face was priceless. And I just wanted to say a hearty, ‘Thank You.”

You made my year.

2009 BlogLuxe Awards

—————

Who’d YOU miss a connection with, Internet?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

45 Responses to Missed Connections

  • Badass Geek says:

    That was me. In a fat suit. With that old woman that lives in the refrigerator box down the street.

    So I guess my missed connection is the same as yours.

  • What the fuck is wrong with people??? I’m so glad you got her back. I always THINK of what I want to do to them, but I never go through with it because I’m a big, fat wuss. Unlike Aunt Becky who obviously kicks blueberry butt.

  • RJ Flamingo says:

    I’m not sure that I would have shown the same restraint. I probably would have been all WTF?!? the moment she made contact with the hubs. But that’s just me…

  • kmog216 says:

    wow! amazing. i feel that way about lots of people & just never write it. bravo! seriously. that takes guts and balls to even want to relive an experience like that. that poor mother!

  • Danielle says:

    AHAHAHAHAHA! I love it! Way to get her back!
    *HUGS*

  • Cute~Ella says:

    You have entirely too much fun at the grocery store!

    Love the discription “blueberry shaped body”

    I’m going to start employing your “block” in my store too – if that’s ok…

  • Jennifer says:

    I have had way too many supermarket incidents like yours. The husband was afraid I was going to be arrested when a particularly heinous women rammed my cart and then told me to look where I was going. I was both 8 months pregnant and standing in line. I wasn’t going anywhere and even if I was I wouldn’t have been going very quickly. We now have our groceries delivered so the husband doesn’t have to worry about bail money every time I shop.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    Oh goodness! I feel so sad about that mother….poor thing.

    I use to be a greeter for Office Depot (among other positions in the store…I did like everything there…..but moving on) and always said “Have a good day!” to people as they left.

    Said my usual thing with a big smile as this lady left, as usual. If there is one thing I can do right, it’s a big fake smile. She WHIRLED around and glared at me. Through a tight mouth (seriously, I wonder how she spoke words at all) she goes “My husband died 3 months ago. I won’t have a good day.” She was SO angry. I was completely flustered and apologized.

    Definitely missed a connection with her.

  • g says:

    Oompa Loompa Dippity Doo!
    I hate grocery shopping and it sounds like you do too!
    xox

  • Suzy says:

    As usual, you rock. Sounds like she needed a taste of her own medicine and you surely gave it to her!

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Nobody yet. I still haven’t been to the store.

  • kalakly says:

    What I love about my Aunt Becky is how mature and full of the classiness she is. She handles sticky and awkward social situations with such grace and dignity, where I might be reduced to a few token phrases and a violent verbal bashing, Becky effortlessley maneuvers a cart and seemlessly puts a stop to a rotund bully.
    Aunt Becky, you’re my superhero.

  • Would you come hang out at the bookstore when I work my shifts? I could get a heck of a lot more done some days! :)

  • lady lemon says:

    Girls is bitches, yo.

  • Kristin says:

    Way to GO! And, you are far from a mediocre blogger.

  • I’ve been known to throw socks at salesgirls, but I’ve never had an altercation with another shopper. Should have kicked her circular ass.

  • Amy deClouet says:

    Once, when I was very young, around 18 or so, I pulled into the parking lot of a Subway. When I got out of my car, an older lady, 40ish, was blocking my car and screaming at me. It took a moment for it to even register that she was in fact speaking to me. Apparently I had taken her spot. Confused since there were plenty of other parking spaces, I apologized and tried to walk away to order my delicious turkey sandwich. But she wanted to sit there and scream at me. At that moment, the little flame in me erupted and I went on a tyrade of how “I was fucking sorry her fat ass would have to walk 5 extra-fucking feet to order her fucking low-cal sandwich and if she wanted to discuss it further she would have to do so without fucking me because it was fucking hot out here and I’m done with your sorry ass!

    I have NEVER (and not since) talked to ANYONE like that before. I think she must have just been having a rough day and took it out on me. Guess I made her day even worse, huh?

  • heather says:

    I hate it when old people get treated like crap. That gets me so riled up. And I always always always have the one asshole in the store get in my way and stalk me through the entire store.

  • Didn’t anyone ever tell you that the grocery can be a dangerous place? And it’s not just because of the chocolate-covered almonds that practically invite you to steal them inside that bin.

  • Michelle says:

    Oh the number of times I would have loved to run someone down with my cart (or at least block them)! You have lived out one of my fantasies!

  • Lisa says:

    I was out walking my youngest baby in her stroller last fall, on the street next to mine, when a neighbor’s unchained German Shepherd attacked us from behind once we passed his house. Luckily I saw the blur from the corner of my eye and moved my arm in time to hear teeth snapping air instead of tendons. Then I proceded to scream for the owner with my body between the stroller and dog, who was growling and charging in a circular pattern. Needless to say, I unleashed every obsenity and insult I have ever heard at that irresponsible owner.

  • Kristine says:

    This is Hi-Freaking-larious and totally what I needed today, thank you.

  • This was freakiin’ hilarious, Becky. Way to kick some wide-load ass!

  • Inna says:

    That was amazing! Way to re-connect with the biatch :)

  • zelzee says:

    I want to be there when her daughter (probably pear shaped) starts belittling her like she does her mother!!

  • Yeah, I would have said something on all accounts. But, luckily, either those type of people don’t frequent my area or I look like a bad enough bitch that they don’t test me, lol. I *have* mastered my Death Glare…

  • I once left a note on a van belonging to someone who parked so close to my car that I couldn’t get in through the driver side door. It was pouring rain. In the note I told them karma would come back and get them. Later I learned it was a coworker and she was totally flipped out about the note and karma. It was my sweet quiet justice.

  • Your husband should have replied with his own hand gesture: His finger and thumb, shaped like an ‘L’ on his forehead. Also, I think I would have been tempted to do the ‘beep, beep, beep’ sound every time I saw her backing up from the shelves.

  • sky says:

    Maybe if you go back same time next week she’ll be there again & everytime you cross paths you can throw something obscure in her cart on the sly.

    Good times.

  • Mimi says:

    Mediocre blogger? Now you’re just fishing. ;-)

    A woman once cut in line in front of me at the grocery store, and I called her out on it (nicely). She yelled, “I can’t believe you would treat a cancer survivor like this! I feel sorry for your little girl!” I replied with, “Cancer survivor? Shouldn’t that have made you closer to God or something? How is it that you’re such a bitch?” Someone in line behind me snickered as she stormed off.

  • nicole says:

    sweet cart move. I swear people like this are made to test us all. Here in Brooklyn there are these double wide polish ladies who must still recall the post war soviet food shortages. They’re shameless about cutting lines and dare you to do anything about it. I feel some how that today your vengeance was mine.

  • eden says:

    Ahhh, the grocery store. It brings out the bad in me, Aunt Becky. I swear to God I have NO shame in telling people off in public.

    Last year a haggard old lady shooed my son out of her way so meanly she made him cry.

    I walked up, right in her face and YELLED at her, swearing, the works. It felt great.

  • Dude I would have so needed bail money.

  • Lola says:

    HA!!! I hate people. It’s a good thing the two of us don’t go shopping together. I’ve been known to shove my cart into the back of nasty shoppers’ legs for much smaller infractions. That’s why the husband does the grocery shopping.

  • See, I would have stood right behind her, turned to Wolver-teen with a wink (cause she’s cool and gets stuff like that) and said “If you speak to me that way when I’m her age, I’ll have your ass kicked”
    ‘cuz I’m subtle like that.
    Also? When I’m feeling all passive-aggressive when shopping, I let the 8 year old push the cart. He rams people on accident, and I get to giggle in my head about the bruise it’ll leave. Then I buy him chocolate milk for “helping mama”. (I do actually try to teach him to be careful, sometimes I just *forget* to remind him)

  • honeywine says:

    I hate shopping. Those people are taking over. I went out to pick up BBQ for Brian last night and some chick was standing there buying enough meat for 40 people and slowly selecting it like it was diamonds or a new kidney. It’s BBQ, dammit! Just pick your animal of choice in it’s encased or boned state!

  • mumma boo says:

    I love you, Becky, I really do. :)

  • Nancy says:

    I’m pretty sure I missed a connection with a prince who was supposed to make me a princess!

  • choosy says:

    When I was 13 or so the new boyfriend of my brother’s ex girlfriend (got that?) was walking past me as I sat with some friends eating a snicker’s bar.
    He said:
    “You don’t really need that, do you?”
    all snidely patronizing.

    And I looked at him and I said: “Do I know you?”*

    He looked confused that I had even responded and then stammered something as
    I said:
    “Then why the hell do you think your opinion matters to me?”
    And he walked a way in shame.

    And then he was gay. **

    *warning, this is the point where I totally rewrite my actual response was mute chewing as he laughed at me and walked away. whoos.

    ** that parts true.

  • tash says:

    Wait, you saw me at the grocery and didn’t say hello?

    Once my mom was taking a particularly long time deciding on cat food flavors and my brother helpfully piped up, loud enough for at least two aisles, “C’mon, grandma will eat ANYTHING.”

  • baseballmom says:

    Bahahaha-I love you Bex.

  • Jenn says:

    I hate people. Especially people in grocery stores who always seem to be right where I need to be.

  • Leesha says:

    I really want to be on your side, but I can’t help thinking that the woman probably had a mental disorder.

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  • Becca says:

    Oh that rocks!! I missed the connection the other day in our local hell-mart (aka walmart) where the mom spent 45 minutes, no lie, rolling her screaming child around in a cart. Everytime I thought I had escaped she was right back with me, unnerving I tell you!

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