Life lessons are all around us.

Why, just look at this advent calendar that I bought for my 3-year old son, Alex. When I saw it, I got in front of the mirror (doesn’t everyone talk to themselves in front of the mirror?) and said, “Aunt Becky, you must teach this boy how to properly become a thug. Since the whole “Becky From The Block” thing didn’t work, maybe it’s time to let someone else take over. LIKE THIS ADVENT CALENDAR.”

Mostly, I want him to make millions of dollars so that I can have a Scrooge McDuck-like vault so that I can swim around in coins and colorful gemstones. It’s a goal of mine to have this vault in my house and clearly this whole “writing” thing isn’t going to work out for me so I have to exploit what I have.

MY KIDS.

Ben is too straight and narrow, so Alex it is.

I’m starting slowly. He’s only three, but still, it’s never too early to start him on a life of crime.

Why, just look at those fancy coins featured front and center on the advent calendar box! Who WOULDN’T want to own fancy, shiny, beautiful coins? And screw working for it! Let’s ROB BANKS! It’s an invaluable lesson.

But wait. Um.

Dude is on a BIKE. Who robs banks on a BIKE? That seems a little…dumb. Come ON, Robber. Get it TOGETHER.

Also, you’ve taught my son another valuable lesson: ALWAYS wear a disguise while robbing a bank. Those Wanted Posters are EVERYWHERE. If you look like your Wanted Poster and rob banks on bikes, you’ll get caught.

My son and I went over this in excruciating detail. Why? We can learn from the mistakes of others.

The Robber in action. Also: the Playmobil figure.

You’ve taught him well, Playmobil. Thank you. When he is a world famous bank robber, I hope that he can look back on this Advent Calendar as the pivotal moment in his life.

I will just look back at it as an excellent investment as I do the backstroke in my vault of coins.

Comments

comments

71 thoughts on “Merry Christmas! Let’s Rob Banks!

  1. I saw your blog title on Professor M’s blog and of course, with a title like that, how could I NOT tune in? Oh goodness so funny! and you know? so true….
    I hope it doesn’t take long to erase the lessons Playmobile has taught your child…my sone who is now eleven use to like Play mobile so I should be glad he no longer does?

  2. When I finally hit Power Ball my plan is to take the lump sum, get half of it in quarters and swim in it daily. Clearly great minds think a like

  3. I feel the selection of bicycle as bank robber is encouragement for young Alex to start early instead of waiting for the pesky bureaucratic nonsense of 16-turning and license-getting.

    1. And that’s an excellent point. Rather than make hooligan friends who may assist in bank heists, he can learn to be self-sufficient and simply pedal off! Alex has a baby face (because he’s a, well, baby) and who would suspect a BABY of robbing a bank?

      1. If we have learned nothing else from Raising Arizona, we have learned that baby + 2 bank robbers = suspicious while I’m betting baby solo would attract almost none attention.

  4. FRICKNESS! My whole life my dream has been to become a jewel thief. And all these years, I never realized that I was putting in a whole unnecessary step – I could just steal boxes of gold coins, eliminating that whole awkward “fence” scenario. All that time wasted, because I was never shown such an informative advent calendar.

  5. Well, you could have bought the Lego Castle advent calendar which so far has included two knights, a guy with a mace, a skeleton in chains, a bitchy looking princess, a wench and a keg of beer (which has vanished from our display). Oh yeah, and today’s offering, a guy with a crossbow.

    Peace love & joy brought to you by Lego this holiday season

  6. I think we should get together and start a play set teaching children how to become a mob boss,, then we could make tons of money… add that to what you will be getting from your son robbing banks, and that would be a heft vault to swim in!

  7. You who are on the road
    Must have a code that you can live by
    And so become yourself
    Because the past is just a good bye.
    ………………

    And yes, I DID do that on purpose so that the song sticks in your head.

  8. And I thought I was the only one who wanted to roll around in coins like Scrooge McDuck. I should have gotten that Advent calendar damn I am not exploiting my children enough. Imma Be broke in my old age cause my children will not know how to rob banks. I am pretty sure my son will be the Joker from Batman though so not sure how I am feeling about that.But at least he won’t be serious whatevs.

      1. While I too think the Joker from Batman either the Jack Nicholson version or Heath Ledger Version is damn rad. I tend to worry he’ll turn into the Heath Ledger take himself to seriously see boys and girls pay attention to the script. And get a pesky drug habit cause he can’t sleep like his mother and then bam he’s dead and that is not cool. But other than that I am all for him being the Joker.

        1. Well he’ll still be one fucked up little dude but it’s OK he’s mine. But no damn drugs he needs to stay alive to torture others as much as he has his dear sweet mother. AND to rob banks so I can roll around in coinage. And obvs to someday cause it WILL happen be MotherFucking Land Shark!!!

  9. The hell?

    My confusion and angst are rivaled by the appeal of this whole concept. Just think of the fun we could have with baby gangsta playsets! We could start a whole collector’s village so the kids could have a little crime spree! And of course we’d put real liquor in the package store bottles so it’s fun for mom and dad to play along. Oh Aunt Becky, this is going to be the *best* *Christmas* *EVER!*

  10. I’m too much of a germaphobe to want to roll around in dollar bills a la Indecent Proposal. I would worry about all the stripper’s cracks and cokehead’s noses that money had been in. Maybe that’s why the Scrooge McDuck image works for me… easier to wash coins and jewels off.

  11. Playmobil Bank Robbers??? Clearly I need to revisit the Playmobil aisle (the prices sent me screaming back to the Little People aisle).

  12. That is hilarious! I don’t know if I should be horrified that they made that or delighted. I think I will pick delighted.

    …as long as you invite blog readers over to roll around in shiny coins and jewels one day!

  13. Dang! I missed that one. I just got the boring let’s frolic in the forest Playmobil calendar. But hey, it shows that even animals look forward to a Christmas Eve visit from Santa. Deers, birds, boars, raccoons, badgers… I’m with you on the vault of coins, but I’m holding out for famous actor and professional sports player, but y’know bank robbing could work too 😉

  14. Where in the world did you find an Advent Calendar like that? Very disturbing! I also want to swim in gold and gem stones, ahhhh what fun!

  15. I tried to buy an advent calendar at Target for Mea. I searched all over the store for one, finally asked, and the employee didn’t even know what one was. Really? We aren’t even super religious and I knew what one was.

    The only one I could find is boring and has a tiny piece of chocolate per day. She wants to eat all of them everyday…

  16. Playmobil has the right idea – I’m surprised that you didn’t think of this, Aunt Becky. Get the toddler set to rob banks, then you can send them to Juvie when they get annoying while enjoying the fruits of their labor. Surely the state will provide them with education, too. Then on their 18th or 21st birthday, they can be released and go out to get a real job. It’s the perfect parenting solution!

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