If I were the sort of person that kept a day planner (hint, I’m not), the month of February would have exactly one task: SURVIVE. I don’t mean to sound all OH THE HUMANITY!! on you, it’s just the one month of the year where things just go horribly wrong.

If Caesar was all “Beware the ides of March,” Aunt Becky is all “Beware the month of February.”

Anyway, so I’m kind of in a bad place. I’m feeling pretty low because it’s Chicago and Ass outside right now and tired of myself and tired of being inside and kinda ready to get a sex change and move to Detroit. It seems like a wise idea, right? Don’t answer that.

So last night, I was lying in bed, not sleeping because that’s what people who have insomnia do: they lay in bed and they don’t sleep.

When I lay there, I think of a couple of different things:

1) I try to imagine all of the ways I’d kill the people who come up with the commercial jingles that run in an ever-loving loop in my head while I am lying there, not fucking sleeping. High on my list are the Daisy Sour Cream people and whomever cast Jamie Lee Curtis in the Activia commercial.

Because I’ll give you a motherfucking dollop of Daisy with my glock.

Also, I don’t want to think of your colon, Jamie Lee Curtis. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I don’t want to think of your COLON.

B) I think of all the words I will ban when I rule the world. Like hymen. And moist. And juxtapose. Because there was this AWFUL girl who sat at my lunch table in high school who was a pseudo-intellectual assbag who was all “juxtapose” ALL THE TIME.

Like, I could eat a sandwich and she’d be all “that sandwich is a juxtaposition of life.” And then I wanted to kill myself. Maybe with a bomb.

Last night, though, because I was feeling particularly vitriolic, I decided that what I needed to do was to create a line of horrible greeting cards for people that I hate. Not like funny cards designed to make you laugh, but cards that say what I really WANT to say.

I’m pretty sure it’s a cash cow waiting to happen. Or at the very least, it’s going to make damn sure you never have to waste a stamp on someone you hate again.

valentine-angel-vintage-post-card-1

Easter

uncle-sam-4th-of-july-american-flag-vintage-postcard

Vintage_Halloween_Postcard_2

thanksgivingpostcard

(yes, I made these cards)(no, not the PICTURES. What do you think I am, TALENTED!?! Yeah. RIGHT.)

I’m sure with all of the sleepless nights I have, I could go on and on and on and on. The market will be huge for my cards, I can feel it.

I’m off to wait for Hallmark’s call. I’m positive they’ll be all over my idea.

—————

I’m over at Toy With Me, talking about weird guys I want to have The Sex with. I just realized that I left my new husband David Cook off there which pretty much makes me the worst wife ever. Which, DUH.

Comments

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113 thoughts on “Merry Christmas, I Hope You Have Hemorrhoids

  1. Next time you hear the Activa commercial insert “I have to poop” for “Activa” in the jingle. My daughter thinks this is the funniest thing she can do. All my wife does is shake her head at me.

  2. The cards? Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. They’re even better than Adam Sandler’s in Mr. Deeds. You should totally market those. I’ll buy shares of stock.

    Yes, the Daisy commercials are horrific. At the top of my list also, is Megan Mullally and the execrable I can’t believe it’s not butter commercial. Every time that comes on, I want to insert an ice pick into my ear and tickle my brain with it.

  3. OMFG, we should go into the card business together. I make shit like this all the time for my husband and he is not amused.

    Obvs we are WAY ahead of our time.

    My favorite so far, “You aren’t the Asian I signed up for.”

    P.S. Scorching case of herpes is my go to phrase.

  4. “Because I’ll give you a motherfucking dollop of Daisy with my glock.”

    OH my God. Can I please get that silk-screened on a t-shirt??? Please??? I’m sure it’s about 40 copyright infringements, but seriously, I’d risk it.

  5. (uh, there’s no t in scorching – but who would know that if you’re supposed to be sleeping)

    I guess I know I’m old, because I don’t even have the energy to hate anyone that much anymore. Even other drivers. Maybe I’m just getting Alzheimer’s and can’t remember who I hate and why.

    I do like the Easter card, though.

    Also, I can’t comment on Toy With Me, since I’m at work, but I gotta say, I find Leonardo DiCaprio lots more attractive now that he’s playing less wholesome roles. Titanic totally turned me off, but he’s hot in The Departed!

  6. I get theme songs from cartoons stuck in my head. Right now it’s Clifford. Last night, it was Super Why.

    Also, I’m with you on the activia crap (pun intended). Who sits around talking about the regularity of thier bowel movements using weird hand gestures around the midsection?

  7. I loves the cards. Last year for Christmas, I made all my friends cards, out of some pretty sparkly nativity scene cards, I changed the words so that they said, “Jesus Loves You”(front), “but Everyone Else Thinks You are a Bitch” (inside). Pretty funny.

  8. Having a sex change and moving to Detroit is not the answer! I live here and it is full of Ass. As much as your presence would improve our fair city, stay put!
    I wish someone would just put Poor Megan Mullaly and Jamie Lee out of their misery. I realize it’s cool to do television now, but seriously. I want to strangle kittens every time those commercials come on!
    Your cards would sell millions!

  9. these are the greeting cards of our time and generation. I would buy them. Not only would I buy them, but I’d buy SHIT LOADS of them. AND STOCK IN THE COMPANY cause these are gonna be HUGE i mean HUGE, like bigger than big ole fake fake humongous porn star titties.

    I must have some of these cards. Let us all know when they are in print!

  10. If Hallmark doesn’t call, it’s clearly because they’re a bunch of idiots with their craniums up their rectal openings.

    The Easter one is my fave.

  11. There’s a website called someecards.com that I think you’d love. It has obnoxious cards for all sorts of occasions. Their tagline is something to the effect of ‘when you care enough to click ‘send’.

  12. February can’t end soon enough for me. I’m currently running my oven’s self cleaning cycle in the hopes of burning off the cat pee in it that I can’t get to & stinks up the house whenever I turn a burner on. Along with 3 feet of snow and 12 snow days off school. February can leave any time now.

    Love the 4th of July card!

  13. I am so glad I’m not along in hating February. It is the bane of my life, and on top of having really reaaally bad PMS which has driven my huband out of the house for the third day in a row, I am looking out the window-NOT appreciating the sunny day because I know it’ll be gone tomorrow and getting my hopes up only leads to disappointment. I just keep telling myself that it’s almost over. Them I just have to get through March. And April. God, I need a vacation somewhere warm. Maybe with a weird guy I want to have sex with.

  14. Love the cards. I want the Christmas/hemerroids one. Although, I think someone might have sent me that one, cuz’ I’m not feeling all regular in the rectal region. Maybe I should call Jamie.

    And even tho I *heart* Megan Mullally, I want to see her “turn that tub around” till it takes on a high-speed spin that sends her crashing into the glass dairy case doors. Cleanup on aisle 5!

    1. oh my gosh, the megan mullally commercial needs to go away! it looks like it was filmed by an 80’s soap opera camera, with the foggy lens! it’s awful!!!!

      there are postcards available that have pictures of cute baby animals and “bad news”. like a cute puppy with “I’m gay”. or a duck that says “your breath is really bad”. they might not be the actual sayings, but you get the idea.

      i love your cards though Aunt Becky, especially the vintage look lol.

      i also hate february with a passion. valentine’s day is a highlight, but other than that, it can just go away.

  15. “caesar was all beware the ideas of march” ha! the cards are bangin! i think you should also do a whole “Fuck February” series.

    another one i need is for the high maintenance ninnies in my life:
    Happy Labor Day! You put the Labor in my Day.

  16. Ack. I totally spelled hemorrhoids wrong in my previous post. Diarrhea’s another one that always gets me. Step off, Jamie, I meant the spelling, not the runs.

  17. I love it! I’d buy!!! I’d also add, “I’m all for celebrating curves, but your fat ass ain’t any kind of party I want to attend.”

    I, too, am filled with the vitriol most of the time, especially when I drive. Can you invent some sort of signage you could flash at moronic drivers? I would so buy that because sometimes I feel I could quite possibly commit murder, usually when behind imbeciles who obviously got their drivers’ licenses from Chuck E Cheese.

  18. As someone who actually (was a loser who) wrote cards (in a former life) Hallmark won’t call because they ‘are written by an all in-house staff’ or that’s the line I got when I submitted more than once and I have no reason to disbelieve it. So maybe I’m not the biggest loser because at least I don’t have to put greeting card fodder writer on my tax return – Fuh-ree lance writer is oh so cooler. It conjures up, oh I dunno – pathos, and cigarettes and booze and other stuff thats, frankly much cooler than whatever people think of when they think, Roses are red…

    1. What about the people who say. I have herpes. And their husband says, and I dont.

      And why isnt that a commercial about how to prevent domestic violence? I mean the whore obviously cheated on him and didnt use protection?

      Right?

  19. Not only would I buy those cards, I’m begging you to actually produce them so I can send them out on holidays. Or maybe as e-cards? It’s perfect for my acerbic sensibilities.

  20. I have so been wanting to start a card business. I even have the name for it…which I’m not telling.
    I would sell the cards that Hallmark falls short on. Like the card you get for someone who just came out of the closet or an anniversary card for your ex.
    Wanna job?

  21. You know, I would think January would suck ass for me. I think I was too busy to notice how shitty it was. February? I hate this month with a PASSION! Here’s hoping March is AMAZING *raises class* Sending you lots of love, my dear!
    *HUGS*

  22. Too funny! I’m sorry about the icky feeling lately. You made me giggle with the getting a sex change and move to Detroit comment. I’m a Detroit girl myself…but no I have not had a sex change, LOL! Now you have me wondering just how many people around our lovely city are from Chicago who have…hehe!

  23. Love the cards. You could open up an Etsy shop with them, I’m sure! Also, I live in Michigan, not so far from Detroit, and I’m pretty sure that’s the LAST place you’d want to go if you did indeed have a sex change. I got your back, girl.

  24. My favourite card is one I saw when I was newly divorced(and it may have been Hallmark, who knows) that said “Some people call it divorce” on the front and on the inside, “I call it ‘home improvement’.”

    1. That is full of the Awesome. But where did the rubber string wind up on the front of your face? Inquiring minds must know. You can tell. You have told us you have wrinkly balls and all.

  25. Oh, and please add “panties” to the banned-word list. No self-respecting woman ever uses that word proudly.

    Or…just get the sex change. Then you can leave the banned-word list as is. Might be simpler that way. Less work and all.

  26. Holy crap – that “may firecrackers blow your balls off” may be the funniest damn thing I have ever seen!

    As for the lying awake being unable to sleep, I did not have that problem – I have a beagle who likes to wake up at 4.30 AM. But the fiance is away on business, so I have the beagle in my face at 4.45 AM (his dog, mine keeps normal hours). Scared the crap out of me. Beagles howl, I sleep, I wake up like the city is being bombed. Then I am awake thinking of who I want to kill….

  27. Ok, I’m going to just say this and get it out of the way so I can get on with the business of leaving REAL comments on your posts in the future: I am SO happy to have found your blog. So.glad. Yours is the first blog I have found in a long time that makes me laugh out loud. LMAO, LOL, whatever. My son was being a huge pill tonight (and that’s the nicest word I can use to describe him right now) and you made me laugh. Thank you. p.s. “moist” and “panties” are two words that, separately, should not be in the English language. But used together should be a violation of a law that is punishable by death. Maybe by a bomb. 😉

    1. PANTIES! I *hate* that word! You’re like the yin to my yang! I needed you this morning when I was thinking of other words that I hated. Because that is WAY up there.

      Also, SO nice to meet you! I’ll have to check your blog out!

  28. I loathe Feblueberry, too, Mizz Becky. I boycotted half of it by leaving home and taking your paper alter ego with me. I took not one single photograph of her while there because she threatened me with death if I shot her while she was in a bikini, but she’s all tan and “Take in the healthy glow, bitches!”

    I have much love for TiVo, which lets me skip commercials entirely now. Bless you, TiVo…

    I hope your month finishes quietly (perhaps with a nap or fifty), unless you win the lottery, and then I hope to hear your shouts of joy (and offers to share) all the way down here in Redneck Central.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  29. Hahaha – I love the Easter one, that’s brilliant. Not that I wish you continued insomnia (because I’ve been there and it sucks old man balls), but you could be onto something there…

    January kicked my ass, so I sorta know how you feel. Although our winter has been relatively mild (only a few days that were colder than -25 Celsius, only a few feet of snow). Just hold on, spring is coming soon (isn’t it? Did those damn rodents see their shadows or not? I never pay attention when I should…)

  30. I don’t even know what Juxtapose means Aunt Becky. It sounds to me like “just suppose” like “Just suppose that sandwich is the juxtapose of life”. Thats how I use “context clues”.

  31. Yes, February sucks. Always has. Always will. Loved your greeting cards. I’ve often thought of making my own but they’d be very similar to yours if not worse. Back when my kids and I had to fly back and forth to Germany several times a year we designed barf bags. We came up with all kinds of pictures to put on the bottom of the bag so that would be what you saw right before you tossed your cookies. Samples include, little guy with an umbrella, little guy with fork and spoon, woman with mop bucket and fierce little critter cussing a blue streak at you to list a few. We had a zillion of them. Yep, not pursuing that is what cost me my fortune!

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  33. I HATE Hallmark cards. They are inane and boring and card shopping sucks. When I read that shit I’m pretty sure it kills brain cells. You should come up with your own line. Seriously. But you should also make some we can send to people we like — just cuz I’m not often looking for cards for people I hate.

    I bought a birthday card once that had a bunch of men with photoshopped cat heads sitting on a sofa and talking about what they missed about being young. One said he really missed his testicles (heh). I’ll bet you could come up with an excellent birthday card that says something about “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD” and Jamie Lee Curtis’s COLON.

    There is a need (and a market) for Mommy Loves Vodka(TM) cards. Just sayin’.

  34. Holy shit, these are hysterical. Please put these on Etsy. I would buy more of them than girl scout cookies. And that’s saying something. Juxtapose a thin mint next to a girl scout with a moist hymen wearing panties. Wow, I could be an anonymous comment generator.

  35. Dude, I’m on your marketing team. I see the company logo as being a hand with middle finger raised. I see that logo hidden in the artwork of each card, much the way the Playboy bunny was hidden on each cover. I see a simple inscription inside each card: “Fuck you.” I see an optional “poo pocket” version, where cards have a small indentation above the “Fuck you.” inscription, the purpose of which is to include a sample of your own shit.
    And I see dollops of money everywhere.
    Yes, I’m on your marketing team and I’ll work for free. Because the world needs to be told just how fucking annoying it really is.

  36. Well, until now I always thought it was juxtasuppose. And I still don’t know what it means. So I don’t use it. And “moist” ewwwww

    Love the cards. And you are talented! You can insult with the best of them!

  37. Those cards ROCK! Can you make me one that says something like…

    Yep, today is *THE DAY* I decided that being an alcoholic was my life’s ambition?

    I would love you forever even more than I do now because there’s a special couple of folks I would send it to!

    You know, you could totally have a new business here. Snark that makes money! Damn, I wish I had thought of it. 🙂

  38. I love the cards and would totally buy them for some of my friends… you know, the ones with a sense of humor.

    Anyway, If you like the Daisy Sour Cream song as sung by Sara Hickman, you should know that she has a bunch of really great kids CDs out. Then you can have her voice stuck in your head while she sings about liking to wear mis-matched clothing, or gross things to cook in a wok or even tell a story about bedwetting.

  39. “If you ever rose from the dead I’d kill you again” pretty much made my year. I am going to giggle until I find someone to say that to. Please produce those. Please. Have you seen Demotivators? I think you got yourself a future, girlfriend.

  40. Have you seen Detroit? In February? The mind-numbing, life-sucking giant gray blob that once was the sky comes from here. Everything looks like dirty snow. February is a good month to run away to a Caribbean island, or Vegas, or Mexico, etc. –not Detroit. I mean, I love my city, but in February, not so much…

  41. Those card are hil-arious! I would like to order a 3 dozen of your Easter cards, please!

    I can indentify with you . . .It’s hard when you are not feeling well, the weather sucks, and you’re in this endless cycle of caring for others under 4 feet tall. I wonder why we aren’t a little more nuts when I think of it that way . . .

    I would advise you against moving to Detroit. As much as it would be fucking awesome that we could hang out, it’s on the same latitude line as Chicago, but worse since Detroit is one, big broken down city.

    Hang in there!!!

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