“Do you think Ozzy is alive?” Dawn asked as we made our way to the Black Sabbath stage on Day One of Lollapalooza, trying to distract me from the guy wearing a skin shirt.

“Nah, he’s probably been propped up like the guy in Weekend at Bernies, or shuffling around backstage yelling, ‘SHAARRROOOON.’ I mean, it’s Ozzy, right?” I replied.

“Do you think they’ll be okay to play a full 2 hours? That’s a long time for an old man,” Dawn suggested.

“Shit,” I said. “How old IS he?” I asked.

“2,084,” Dawn said smartly.

“Well, I think staying here to see Black Sabbath one last time is important – yeah, the Black Keys are awesome and all, but let’s be realistic: Ozzy won’t be around for another tour,” Dawn brought up a very good point.

“Yup,” I agreed, neatly avoided the stray beer cans left on the ground, which, I’ll confess – I wanted to pick up and recycle.

We stood; a moment of silence for Ozzy, before finishing our walk to the stage.

Surrounded by metal heads again, I felt right at home.

I even found a boyfriend:

Lollapalooza Day One Is Ozzy Alive.

Stand back ladies (and gents), he’s taken. BY ME.

Finally, the Prince of Motherfucking Darkness took the stage:

Lollapalloza Day One - Is Ozzy Alive

He looked good … for a dead guy. I noticed then that my feet, well, the flippy-flops I’d carefully selected (read: thrown on in seconds before walking out the door), they’d begun to…hurt. And not in a “oh that’s cute” kind of way: more like in a FUCK MOTHERFUCKER PAY ATTENTION TO ME sorta way. Standing didn’t help, but after watching the chick in front of me vomit onto the lawn only to have some guy then take her spot and PUT HIS HEAD IN HER VOM, I realized that I was better off standing than not.

Vomit – or the threat of sitting in vomit – does that to a girl.

And then, THEN true love began:

Really, I’d like to moan about my blisters, but that guy leaves me speechless.




Because I bet THAT guy has the joy, joy, joy, joy down in his heart. Or is very intoxicated – hard to tell the difference.

23 thoughts on “Lollapalooza Day One: Is Ozzy Alive?

  1. Rock on man — totally dig the knee brace (means he prepped for his wicked dancing and that we’re getting freaking old).

    And Ozzy is on the Keith Richards plan — they are only still alive because all the drugs killed most of the cells (and replaced them with formaldehyde) in their bodies years ago.

  2. Wow. Just wow. If you decide you don’t want him after all, send him my way! I feel an intense need to chain him up in my basement.

  3. ugh! so jealous ;). im meeting my future hubby in seattle next month ( yes, he will leave his model wife for a cop…lmfao) glad u had fun 🙂

  4. I think my favorite is how he switches from air guitar to air drums to just hopping around like he’s having some sort of violent seizure. He is one sexy piece of man ladies! Also, I think we can all agree that his black bandana compliments his dingy white ankle socks and black non-skid shoes perfectly. Who doesn’t like a man that can accessorize right?

  5. That guy dances like a guy in my swimming pool swims.
    He starts at the top of the pool andpirouettes down the entire length of it, smacking relentlessly into people and making a strange keening sound whilst he does it. I’m a little bit in love with him.

    1. which is OBVIOUSLY why he had to ventilate his tee shirt by putting all those holes in it. of course, tucking it was absofuckinglutely necessary.

  6. I am absolutely stunned that he isn’t surrounded by a circle of screaming women, throwing their panties at him a la Tom Jones. (Yeah, OK, I’m a little older than one might think. Deal with it.) He seriously looks like a guy that we saw a while back at a Kansas/REO concert, except out guy was hopping through the crowd dancing with everyone. Including the guys, some of whom were not quite as amused as we were….

  7. I like the fact that he DIY-ed a tee shirt for the concert. Well-ventilated, for I am sure that sucker smells like B.O. and butt!! Lol! It’s always interesting people watching at concerts. Gotta love it!! ;-p

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