Sadly, this is not a post announcing the return of my whore pants. I DID, however, get a mass email from Target announcing that they have “mean” pants, which means that Target is copying me. Because whore pants is ALMOST mean pants.
What can MEAN pants do, anyway? Like, taunt you for being a size 12? Change sizes drastically from one day to the next, making you feel like you’ve gained 20 pounds? Openly tell people how much you weigh?
Or perhaps, have a gigantic hole in the crotch that you don’t notice for most of the day because you’re very, very smart. Not that *ahem* I would know anything about that.
Really, the possibilities are endless.
Back in 2004, my boyfriend, The Daver got tired of hearing me flap my flapptity-flap jaw and started saying things like, “wow, you’re a GOOD writer. You should start a BLOG!” When I was done punching him in the throat for insulting me, I asked him what a blog was. It sounded like VD to me.
He’s all, “it’s an online journal!” which made me think of creepy people who lived in their parents basements and were afraid of sunlight. Then he showed me a couple, and I was like, “O.M.G. They’re written by creepy people that live in the dark!”
My friend Pashmina and I clicked around the very few blogs we knew for awhile, laughing at
bad poetry that
made thine hearts
smell like poo.
the occasional report of what someone ate for lunch (kung pao chicken is soooooo good!!!!!!) always punctuated by multiple exclamation points, for added emphasis, of course, and the Jane Austin quotes:
“To sit in the shade on a fine day and look upon verdure is the most perfect refreshment.”
And we laughed. Because honestly, that just wasn’t my scene. I couldn’t believe that a) Daver thought I was a writer, and 2) he thought the world needed to read MORE regurgitated quotes from crazy cat ladies.
(I don’t like Jane Austen).
I mean, okay, Pashmina was an English major, but the most writing I’d done was for REAL research papers.
But then we came up with a most brilliant plan. We’d start a blog. An ANTI-Blog. A blog that NO ONE in their right mind would write! Oh yes, yes, we would.
And so, Mushroom Printing was born. The first entry, I think, was about shaving the vagina. I don’t remember whose, but it doesn’t matter, because that’s the sort of stuff we wrote about. 2 girls, 1 blog, being crass, making you laugh.
We kept it until 2007, when my second son was born, and then I needed another space to talk about my crotch parasites. That’s when I started Mommy Wants Vodka. I never really meant to let Mushroom Printing go, but it just happened. We outgrew it, and then shut it down. I imported (and heavily edited) my old posts, and said goodbye.
Yesterday, I got an email from the hosting company where I’d initially registered mushroomprinting.com asking me to update my records. I’d completely forgotten registering it back in 2005, but apparently I own it until November.
I sat around yesterday, imagining Mr. Pinchy, my fake monkey butler, and I stealing a Jeep and driving around, whipping donuts at kids with silly droopy hair, and then it dawned on me: I needed a new project. Something else to do.
What better to do than bring back something I always missed: Mushroom Printing. Probably the best blog name my feeble mind could come up with (it’s WAY better than Mommy Wants Vodka) but with a new concept.
Mushroom Printing as a group blog.
Finally, I’m getting my ass moving on putting together that group blog. Because what better to do than put together a place where we can all go to post about people, places, and things who need a big, fat, mushroom print?
The world is full of douchebags. Thanks to the social code, we can’t always call people out on their douchetastic behavior. Now, we can finally let it out.
To be clear: I don’t want this to be a slam site. Like, “I hate Dooce/Aunt Becky because she smells” or anything, because, Your Aunt Becky is bitchy, but she likes other bloggers and she’s not going to run a hate site. Period.
So, this site will be for OTHER things. The asshole in the parking lot that clipped the mirror off your car. Your mother-in-law. Your whore pants. Whatever.
But I don’t have the site quite up and ready yet. I’ll be working on it for the next couple of days. Now I need YOUR input as to what would make this site awesome and something you’d want to use. This is what I have so far:
1) Anyone can post, but they have to register first.
2) All posts will go into a queue before they go live to be edited and moderated. Because I don’t want anyone being a TOTAL asshole on it.
3) It doesn’t HAVE to be a smack down.
4) I have a Twitter account set up and I figure I’ll just RT stuff you tweet to it from there.
5) I’m going to get someone to design a masthead and button for it so you can be all, “I GOT MUSHROOM PRINTED.”
6) Imma to make a sister site to it for all the awesome stuff you find. Because obviously.
Okay, Pranksters, what else? Please, let me know. What would you want in a site like this. Besides, of course, my whore pants.
Because I am not smart, I TOTALLY forgot to announce my Girls I’d Hump post yesterday at Toy With Me. DUH.