4: approximate weeks until my cruise

12.8: times each day The Daver references my cruise by saying “well, I don’t know what I am going to DO without you for those 5 days!”

90: times a year that Dave mentions that he’d be “just fine” if left as a stay-at-home parent.

90: times I roll my eyes when he says that because brother, he’s talking out of his asshole.

0: times a day I plan to call and check in with him from the cruise to hear, “pant, pant, pant *crash* THESE KIDS ARE INSANE! PLEASE COME HOME, I WILL CALL THE COAST GUARD NOW.”

0: idea of where this cruise is going because frankly, big boat in the middle of the ocean where I can pee alone (but probably not IN the ocean)? Doesn’t matter where the hell we’re going.

7: bushes I pulled out yesterday (from a view that I didn’t even show you), thereby rendering me unable to move today without swearing wildly.

68: times my son has said, “OUCH, SHIT” when he moved, just repeating what I’ve said.

68: times I’ve wondered if I should probably cut out my tongue.

12,000,000: times I said, “I. Fucking. Hate. Bushes.” in my best Clint Eastwood voice, which, let’s be honest, isn’t very good.

87: times I cursed the previous, PREVIOUS owners of my house for loving both bushes and wallpaper. Fucking wallpaper.

3: times a day I have to put eye ointment into my poo-eating dog’s eyes.

16: pounds my poo-eating dog weighs

2-3: people it takes to restrain my poo-eating dog in order to put the ointment in his eyes

.2 million: times I’ve wondered if my poo-eating dog was actually a mutant Incredible Hulk dog.

0: times I have eaten beef sticks, even though they are technically encased meats (which I adore).

90,093: times Daver has eaten beef sticks.

84: times I have gagged, thinking about Daver eating beef sticks.

2: times I have enjoyed American Idol this season

infinity: amount of love I have for Glee, even though the show contains NONE of my boyfriends.

4: current television husbands.

infinity: dorkiness quotient I will achieve after going to the Glee concert (oh yes, yes I am).

0: likelihood of Daver eating beef sticks at a Glee concert.

0: likelihood of me caring about American Idol, even though one of my husbands was on that show.

0: likelihood that I will ever learn how to properly use a comma or apostrophe.

12.8 million: likelihood that you will go read this, my post about the Grand Gesture guy.



70 thoughts on “Like Shrinky-Dinks, But Without The Dinks

  1. Fucking wallpaper.
    The previous owners of my house were clearly insane.
    One bathroom STILL has red magnolia wallpaper hanging in tatters-they must have used superglue to put that shit up because it will not come off and we have tried everything.
    Also, when the wallpaper they hung without superglue started to come loose, they just painted over it.
    So now we have loose, painted wallpaper walls-because paint is not going to attach wallpaper to a wall.
    I’d like to track them down and punch them in the face.

  2. I can’t believe you’ve never eaten a beef stick! Just one taste and you’ll wish you had those years back. I recommend Jack Link’s “Sasquatch Big Stick.” The “Happy” flavor yields results that make the flavor name quite fitting.

  3. 35.7: number of times I laughed from this post

    3.5: number of people who stared at me when I had tears rolling down my face from GrandGestureGuy blog…(the .5 is for the hefty man to my left)

  4. Crap! do you need someone to use a spare ticket for the Glee Concert?!??!?!! I would SO be that person. You know, to sacrifice my gas and time to drive out there to hang with you and help you utilize your tickets to the fullest extent. 😀

  5. using wallpaper should be punishable by law with monetary restitution and compensation for pain, suffering and loss of consortium.

    76,532 times you have cracked my ass up.

      1. I don’t know how that becomes a “good idea” but whoever it was must have been a previous owner of my house, too.

  6. Aren’t you a fello Fibro patient?? If so, can I be the first to say, “what the HELL were you thinking?!?!?”

    If not, as you were.

  7. Aren’t you a fello Fibro patient?? If so, can I be the first to say, “what the HELL were you thinking?!?!?”

    If not, as you were.

  8. 4. Number of bushes I need to pull out of our yard.
    0 chances of me doing it THIS weekend.
    Tons How much I love your writing. 🙂

  9. $35 million: minimum amount of money we could make by giving you a job at my work and putting the whole thing on TV. It’s already pretty damn amusing, but you’d have that star quality and over the top-ness to make it a blockbuster…

    It’d have to be on HBO though. I’m amazed that I got through the above paragraph without fucking swearing!

  10. Our very nice (I’m just sure) previous, previous previous owners not only wallpapered every inch of the house – but did so DIRECTLY onto the drywall.

    847,382: times I’ve wanted to bitch slap the ppp owners for doing that.

    1. THEY DID THAT HERE, TOO. In the bathroom. The teeny-tiny bathroom. THREE different wallpapers, Anna. THREE. All flower patterns. It was atrocious. BLECH. All onto the drywall directly.

  11. Peeing by yourself? What is that? I don’t know who’s worse for barging in – my husband or my daughter. The women at work know that they’re not supposed to talk to me when I’m in the bathroom. I like to maintain the illusion that I’m alone. Also, it makes them all crazy. 🙂

  12. Oh the numbers. The NUMBERS! Ever wonder why the word “numb” is in there? I’m an accountant and numbers make me numb. ANYway – the whole “not caring where the cruise is going” or “not calling home?” AMEN, Sister! This is true Aunt Becky Time. Take it! And pee in private. A billion times 😛

  13. I don’t want to marry any of the guys on Glee (ok, except maybe Puck and Mr. Shue), but Kurt is totally my gay BFF. I think he would help me be FANCY again (you know, like not having to wear elastic waist maternity pants even though I’ve lost 15 pounds this pregnancy – yeah, this is FUN)

  14. My brain hurts too much today to think about numbers so I’ll leave you with this…

    You better have fun on your cruise because SERIOUSLY? I going to be living vicariously through you and I know you don’t want to let me down.


  15. I got lucky, the house we bought had been on the market for over 18 months with only one offer that fell through and at about 16 months they had a ‘stager’ come in and tell them to strip the 1978 wall paper and paint the walls white. Two months later we saw the house and made an offer.

    I’ve seen photos of the wallpaper. If I knew who that stager was I’d give him a nice big blow job in appreciation.

  16. While my dog doesn’t eat poo, he did once get an infection in his pee-hole that required me to twice daily fill a syringe(no needle) with medication, insert it into his pee-hole, depress the plunger and squeeze his pee-hole shut for one minute while massaging the fluid around in his penile sheath. After one minute I let go and the fluid would dribble back out. I love this dog, but after the first few days he was giving me these looks and laying down on his back whenever he saw me….it was not a lovely 10 days…for me.

    1. I just died thinking about having to do that. Auggie would probably eat me. I don’t know how, considering I’m approximately 200000000 times his size, but he’d do it.

      Also, I want to hug you now.

      1. I think that I might have thrown up in my mouth after reading this. I hope that my little Winston never gets an infection of the weiner, because I think it would have to fall off before I had to do the plunging and massaging of his doggie weiner….considering what a hump meister he is, he’d probably like it, little pervy doggie.

        1. UGH, can you imagine having to do that and having someone like ME around who would secretly videotape you doing it?

  17. I had a totally witty comment, carefully crafted in my head but I completely forgot what I was going to say… BUT I WON’T LET THAT STOP ME! 😀

  18. Oh, man, I feel your pain about wallpaper. My uncle’s house was covered in layer after layer of wallpaper, and getting it off was like a mission from hell. It’s still to this day (15 years later) not done. Wallpaper should be banned. Period. It’s evil.
    Congratulations on the bush removal. You need to soak your body in epsom salts now. I know that it is not going to happen, since you can’t even pee by yourself (I’m currently in that boat too), but try it if you can. I’m so jealous about your cruise, and Glee tickets too, that I think I’m going to work on doing something like that with my local mom peeps, though if we all leave at once, I don’t know what the husbands will DO without us around. Scary thought. But the peeing alone is so enticing, I might do it anyway.

  19. So, as the owner of a poo-eating dog, would you recommend getting a dog? You don’t have to answer that question, I think the decision has been made .. but actually, an answer would be instructive, I haven’t thought of how I would handle poo-eating.

    And a cruise, you’re going on a cruise?! I’m so jealous, and I’ve been away for too long. It’s good to be back and see you in such fine, bush-pulling form.

  20. I did make it to the other website, and I did read what you wrote on grand gestures, and it was worth it.

    Meanwhile, over here: I’ve just made up mind. It’ll take some doings, but I have decided that I need to divorce my husband, so I can marry you.

    I would be very happy.

  21. Beef stick? I don’t even know what that is but it sounds like something I wouldn’t want to put in my mouth. Unless it was a different kind of beef stick.

  22. Congrats on the bushes. 7 is better than 0. Congrats on your cruise as well. I am itching for a just me get away but do not have one in sight. I admire your strength to not call home and check in. I don’t trust my husband or our offspring enough. Have fun girl!

  23. 12: Number of margaritas you must drink for me while on your cruise. My grown-up vacation got CANCELED *shakes fist*, and I figure that’s the minimum # of drinks I would have had while away from the spawn. Somebody has to do it. I’ll even let you pick the flavor. Just think of how it will help you pee more ALONE.

  24. 0: Number of times I’ve blogged since Feb.

    2: Number of times I’ve commented on my friends’ blogs since Feb.

    Infinity: Number of times I’ve thought about you.

    569: Number of times I’ve screamed “Facebook blows” since I signed up a couple days ago and threatened to go back to my blog…

  25. Dude, you may have ruined beef sticks for me forever 😉 And OMG I hear ya about the wall paper. The people who previously owned and decorated my parents’ house LOVED BROWN AND BLACK AND SILVER wallpaper. In every freaking room. Also: on the ceilings. Weird 60’s shit. My mother thinks it’s delightful. Number of times I’ve begged her to let me redecorate? 899 billion. Number of times I think about how seriously awesome you are? Everytime I read your blog or you happen to pop into my mind. Have a good day! ~Susan

  26. Not to be all crazy-stalker lady, but what cruise are you going on? I am going on one May 15th from Galveston, TX 🙂

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