4: approximate weeks until my cruise
12.8: times each day The Daver references my cruise by saying “well, I don’t know what I am going to DO without you for those 5 days!”
90: times a year that Dave mentions that he’d be “just fine” if left as a stay-at-home parent.
90: times I roll my eyes when he says that because brother, he’s talking out of his asshole.
0: times a day I plan to call and check in with him from the cruise to hear, “pant, pant, pant *crash* THESE KIDS ARE INSANE! PLEASE COME HOME, I WILL CALL THE COAST GUARD NOW.”
0: idea of where this cruise is going because frankly, big boat in the middle of the ocean where I can pee alone (but probably not IN the ocean)? Doesn’t matter where the hell we’re going.
7: bushes I pulled out yesterday (from a view that I didn’t even show you), thereby rendering me unable to move today without swearing wildly.
68: times my son has said, “OUCH, SHIT” when he moved, just repeating what I’ve said.
68: times I’ve wondered if I should probably cut out my tongue.
12,000,000: times I said, “I. Fucking. Hate. Bushes.” in my best Clint Eastwood voice, which, let’s be honest, isn’t very good.
87: times I cursed the previous, PREVIOUS owners of my house for loving both bushes and wallpaper. Fucking wallpaper.
3: times a day I have to put eye ointment into my poo-eating dog’s eyes.
16: pounds my poo-eating dog weighs
2-3: people it takes to restrain my poo-eating dog in order to put the ointment in his eyes
.2 million: times I’ve wondered if my poo-eating dog was actually a mutant Incredible Hulk dog.
0: times I have eaten beef sticks, even though they are technically encased meats (which I adore).
90,093: times Daver has eaten beef sticks.
84: times I have gagged, thinking about Daver eating beef sticks.
2: times I have enjoyed American Idol this season
infinity: amount of love I have for Glee, even though the show contains NONE of my boyfriends.
4: current television husbands.
infinity: dorkiness quotient I will achieve after going to the Glee concert (oh yes, yes I am).
0: likelihood of Daver eating beef sticks at a Glee concert.
0: likelihood of me caring about American Idol, even though one of my husbands was on that show.
0: likelihood that I will ever learn how to properly use a comma or apostrophe.
12.8 million: likelihood that you will go read this, my post about the Grand Gesture guy.