Your comments in my last post had me rolling on the floor, seriously, I might have cried a little (in a good way) when I read them.
My trolls often accuse me of one of two things:
1) The Most Boring Person On The Internet
#B) A fucking idiot.
The first I refuse to cop to because I may be dull, but I ASSURE you that I cannot possible be the most boring person on the Internet. Number B is true, as you well know, I have never denied being a blithering idiot. If the Stupid Shoe fits, I’ll gladly parade it around town.
I guess I’m just amazed that it only took my son 7 and a half years to realize it.
See, this summer I was looking forward to. This is the first summer that Ben hasn’t been enrolled in a summer camp, partially because I didn’t care to send him back to the hippie Nut Ban! school, and partially because I was all set to enjoy having my eldest home. Our relationship may not be traditional as I’ve previously stated, thanks to his autism and my own moronism, but we do like each other.
Suddenly, though, I’m questioning the validity of my prior decision. Sure, it’s nice to have someone who understands me when I speak but that means that I have someone who understands me when I speak. Especially if I say something like “God-fucking-damnit, I am SO MAD at (insert relative’s name here).” Suddenly, his wee voice pipes up with, “Cocksucking assholes,” just to be supportive of me.
I kid, I kid. Don’t go all Maude Flanders “Think of the CHILDREN” on me.
I never say “cocksucking.”
Ben’s autism, while it makes for many various and sundry irritations and fixations, makes it very hard for him Not To Follow The Rules. He is a very precise, Germanic kind of child, the sort who scolds me when I say “fuck” or “shit” and the day when I dare to not load my plate after I eat, I will certainly be stoned to death by him. When I dare to tell him to go to his room at bedtime, he often creates elaborate lists of The Rules so that he may….I don’t know what he does with them.
I also recieve notes that say things like “Why Does Mom Make Me Go To Bed When She Doesn’t Have To Go To Bed:” check box:
- Because she said so
- Because she said so
So that’s the way it is in my family.
But I’m wondering if maybe this whole “let’s all stay home together” stuff is a bit overrated. You homeschooling parents out there, you deserve a fucking medal and a parade in your honor. No doubt. I don’t know how you do it.
It doesn’t seem to matter that right before school ended, I bought Ben another 30 (yes, that’s right thirty.) Magic Treehouse books, when I suggest that he might stop following me around so that he can read one of his many books (he’s rereading them in numerical order, naturally) they’re now BORING.
Since he accidentally knocked a glass of water onto my keyboard and didn’t tell me about it, he’s banned from the computer indefinitely, and the television–although he would probably trade his siblings for it–is not something that I allow him to sit in front of, rotting his brain cells.
Maybe I should rethink my parenting strategy to allow a hell of a lot more movies and video games and a lot less hovering around me, trying to prove how wrong I am at life. Because now my son has discovered what a freaking moron I am and isn’t afraid to tell me all about it.
Ben: “What time is it?”
Becky (not looking at a clock): “Um, maybe 9:15?”
Ben (in his best ‘you’re a freaking idiot voice’): “I don’t mean to be mean or anything, but….it’s actually 9:26.”
Becky: “Why did you ask me if you knew the answer?”
Ben: “I wanted to see if you were right.”
Ben: “Where’s my swim suit?”
Becky: “It’s next to….the…uh…couch?”
Ben: “Hahahaha. You said couch!! Hahahaha! It was on the CHAIR. HAHAHAHA!”
Becky (clenches hands into fists) “Serenity now. SERENITY NOW.”
So, it’s only July 1, I noted sadly on the calendar (two weeks until my birthday, Internet! Time to get prepared for the party you’re throwing me!) and already I’m seeing a noticeable increase in the size of my stripe of grey hair. My hair is either going to fall out in a frazzled halo around me or I will become a Distinguished Grey 28 year old.
Serenity now. SERENITY NOW.
How’s YOUR summer going?