Mommy Wants Vodka

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Like Being Pecked To Death By A Flock Of Chickens


Your comments in my last post had me rolling on the floor, seriously, I might have cried a little (in a good way) when I read them.


My trolls often accuse me of one of two things:

1) The Most Boring Person On The Internet

#B) A fucking idiot.

The first I refuse to cop to because I may be dull, but I ASSURE you that I cannot possible be the most boring person on the Internet. Number B is true, as you well know, I have never denied being a blithering idiot. If the Stupid Shoe fits, I’ll gladly parade it around town.

I guess I’m just amazed that it only took my son 7 and a half years to realize it.

See, this summer I was looking forward to. This is the first summer that Ben hasn’t been enrolled in a summer camp, partially because I didn’t care to send him back to the hippie Nut Ban! school, and partially because I was all set to enjoy having my eldest home. Our relationship may not be traditional as I’ve previously stated, thanks to his autism and my own moronism, but we do like each other.

Suddenly, though, I’m questioning the validity of my prior decision. Sure, it’s nice to have someone who understands me when I speak but that means that I have someone who understands me when I speak. Especially if I say something like “God-fucking-damnit, I am SO MAD at (insert relative’s name here).” Suddenly, his wee voice pipes up with, “Cocksucking assholes,” just to be supportive of me.

I kid, I kid. Don’t go all Maude Flanders “Think of the CHILDREN” on me.

I never say “cocksucking.”

Ben’s autism, while it makes for many various and sundry irritations and fixations, makes it very hard for him Not To Follow The Rules. He is a very precise, Germanic kind of child, the sort who scolds me when I say “fuck” or “shit” and the day when I dare to not load my plate after I eat, I will certainly be stoned to death by him. When I dare to tell him to go to his room at bedtime, he often creates elaborate lists of The Rules so that he may….I don’t know what he does with them.

I also recieve notes that say things like “Why Does Mom Make Me Go To Bed When She Doesn’t Have To Go To Bed:” check box:

  • Because she said so
  • Because she said so

So that’s the way it is in my family.

But I’m wondering if maybe this whole “let’s all stay home together” stuff is a bit overrated. You homeschooling parents out there, you deserve a fucking medal and a parade in your honor. No doubt. I don’t know how you do it.

It doesn’t seem to matter that right before school ended, I bought Ben another 30 (yes, that’s right thirty.) Magic Treehouse books, when I suggest that he might stop following me around so that he can read one of his many books (he’s rereading them in numerical order, naturally) they’re now BORING.

Since he accidentally knocked a glass of water onto my keyboard and didn’t tell me about it, he’s banned from the computer indefinitely, and the television–although he would probably trade his siblings for it–is not something that I allow him to sit in front of, rotting his brain cells.

Maybe I should rethink my parenting strategy to allow a hell of a lot more movies and video games and a lot less hovering around me, trying to prove how wrong I am at life. Because now my son has discovered what a freaking moron I am and isn’t afraid to tell me all about it.

Ben: “What time is it?”

Becky (not looking at a clock): “Um, maybe 9:15?”

Ben (in his best ‘you’re a freaking idiot voice’): “I don’t mean to be mean or anything, but….it’s actually 9:26.”

Becky: “Why did you ask me if you knew the answer?”

Ben: “I wanted to see if you were right.”

Becky (headdesk)


Ben: “Where’s my swim suit?”

Becky: “It’s next to….the…uh…couch?”

Ben: “Hahahaha. You said couch!! Hahahaha! It was on the CHAIR. HAHAHAHA!”

Becky (clenches hands into fists) “Serenity now. SERENITY NOW.”


So, it’s only July 1, I noted sadly on the calendar (two weeks until my birthday, Internet! Time to get prepared for the party you’re throwing me!) and already I’m seeing a noticeable increase in the size of my stripe of grey hair. My hair is either going to fall out in a frazzled halo around me or I will become a Distinguished Grey 28 year old.

Serenity now. SERENITY NOW.


How’s YOUR summer going?

53 Comments to

“Like Being Pecked To Death By A Flock Of Chickens”

  1. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:12 am Roshni Says:

    what a clever boy..I love the checkbox thing…I mean, I only love it coz I am NOT subjected to it…yet.

  2. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:26 am Badass Geek Says:

    I get beat when I am that precise about things with my wife.

    I just tell people I ran into a door.

  3. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:56 am magpie Says:

    Good lord. Sometimes I behave like your son to my husband, just to make him insane. Huh.

  4. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:01 pm Kristina Says:

    I am also a day behind on my commenting, so here goes:

    1.) The Garth Brooks song “Shameless” totally thought he was saying “I’m Shavin”

    2.) My son is 2 1/2 and knows I’m a moron. I wish I had another 5 years before he caught on…consider yourself lucky!

  5. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:01 am LynneV Says:

    I voted — #2667!

  6. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am choosy Says:

    So far so…luke warm.
    The girl started camp and I had to have my first “raging, pissed-off, mom call” um, ever, with the camp director when I picked her up with a fever of 102.8 and they hadn’t noticed or CALLED!

    Other than that and the fact that the husband is decidedly absent, just wine. I mean whine.
    Um, fine.

  7. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:10 am choosy Says:


  8. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:13 am Employee No. 3699 Says:

    Me: And only three more weeks until BlaaagHer.
    Ben: Actually, it’s three weeks and two days.

  9. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:19 am Mrs Soup Says:

    How cute!!

    And my mother was distinguishly (that is so not a word….) gray at 22. So you got some years on her! I love it though. Now at 53 she is solid salt and pepper and I adore it. She doesn’t dye it and is proud.

  10. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:19 am Jenn Says:

    My summer is full of being a referee for two waist high littles, vacuuming dog hair off of every surface in the house and working my way through every pie recipe on the interwebz.

    Other than that, it’s just like every other day.

  11. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm Posts about Halo 2 as of July 1, 2009 | Information Percolation Initiative Says:

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  12. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:33 am harrytimes Says:

    My 3 year old is all about asking me what time it is– he asks about 74 times a minute, or until I want to cry instead of answering. Good times.

  13. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am Miss Grace Says:

    Well my kid came back from his dad’s house spouting coached I-hate-you-I-want-to-live-with-my-dad-cuz-he’s-better.

    So I’d rather be treated like an idiot, frankly.

  14. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:36 am lady lemon Says:

    Girl, you so old. I won’t be hitting the big 29 ’til August.

    My summer, so far, is both hot and boring. Can I come to your house and follow you around and harass you? That’s sound fun, actually.

  15. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:45 am Amanda Says:

    I’m a day behind on my comments.

    The Song Blinded By The Light:

    Blinded by the Light….wrapped up like a DOUCHEN of a roller in the night.

    Nevermind that the word douchen isn’t even a word.
    Nevermind that I KNEW that it was wrong.
    That’s the way I’ve sung it – all my life until my husband (pornhub) walked behind me and said: It’s deuce baby…not douchen.

    Oh well..
    I still like mine better.

    And my summer? Well, I have a 17 mo old blowing green snot rockets and four surly teens who are texting “I”m bored and I’m hungry” to me at work…. Good times.. Good times…

  16. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:49 pm Karly Says:

    Ben sounds like my son. He lurves to correct me. He went to public school for K and 1st and would constantly be all “Well, my TEACHER said…” and so I pulled his ass out of school and now when he contradicts me I’m all “Well, your TEACHER says…” and then I tell him to shut it. Homeschooling is great! You should try it! 😉

  17. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:50 am Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I’ve already surrendered on the TV and video game thing. It’s not like they sit still to watch TV anyway. They watch maybe 8 minutes and then run off somewhere & play for 15 minutes & then come back and woe unto any mommy who assumed they were done watching TV & turned it off! Then we repeat. Wii is a full contact game for them. Even Mario Kart. They stand there & run in place and swerve themselves around corners. Someone is going to get their eye poked out when they play Wii Star Wars.

    DS1 talks non-stop, making endless inane observations & I finally shouted at him today in the middle of Sam’s Club “Child! Every thought in your head does NOT have to out your mouth!”

  18. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:02 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    I am the opposite of precision on all counts and I get all keyed up when my kids correct me. Utterly missing the precision gene and the higher my stress gets, the lower my precision gets. God, I suck! What was I saying?

  19. On July 1st, 2009 at 1:21 pm heather Says:

    Well. Let’s see. We’re on day 14 of “How long is it ’til I turn 6? … How long is 351 days?” Then we get to digress on the perils of big brotherhood and how unduly challenged he is at good behavior as a direct consequence of this role. *sigh*

  20. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm Swirl Girl Says:

    At least he didn’t say it 25 or 6 to 4…when it was actually 4:20.

  21. On July 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm Sandy Says:

    Ok, if you don’t know, I’m an English Professor, but I will, like, totally not correct anyone’s grammar (including my own). My point is that I gave birth in the middle of the school year and only took 6 weeks of maternity leave (gasp!). I was really looking forward to summer so I could pretend to be a SAHM for three months (and so that I could start a mommy blog and start using abbreviations like SAHM, god help me). However, for the first time in my life I sometimes find myself wishing that summer would just END already, so that I could go back to work. My son is darling and precious and the love of my life, but I seriously need a reason to shower and dress in the morning.

    By the way, you could not possibly be the most boring person on the internet because I laugh my ass off at your posts, and I AM QUALIFIED to judge (see the part about where it says I am a PROFESSOR, lol).

  22. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm Mwa Says:

    I know – it’s only the first. Can you believe that?

    I have found a solution to the brain rotting TV: I’ve stopped feeling quite so bad about it (in reasonable doses) since I got my son the Planet Earth and Life of Mammals DVDs off Amazon. He now wants to “learn all there is to know about animals”. So educational!

  23. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:48 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    I was in the car with my two sons, ages 12 and 7. They were doing their usual bickering, and I was doing my usual telling them to STOP ALREADY!! When then continued, I asked loudly, “Do you REALLY want to see me lose my mind?” To which 12 replied, “Sort of.”

  24. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:53 pm zelzee Says:

    I remember those years……………

    I am now going to say a novena for you……..

  25. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm Anita Says:

    Let’s see, so far this summer I have, in no particular order
    1-caught my non-licenced sons joyriding adventures online
    2-killed three of Sgts sheep and along with one lamb before his return home from the ‘ghan
    3-ripped apart my kitchen in what could be called a serious misguided attempt at surprising Sgt upon his return
    4-roto-tilled my own garden
    5-kept all the hair on my head (this is my proudest achievement)

    To celebrate your 29th I’d like to get you a little something. Where do I send the Bedazzled Bakon Vodka?

  26. On July 1st, 2009 at 12:59 pm a Says:

    Summer? What’s that? Oh, you mean the time when the air conditioning doesn’t function at work? Or the time when my two year old thinks she shouldn’t have to go to bed because it’s still sunny outside? How about the time when I have to water all of our lovely landscaping so it doesn’t wither into brown husks, even though I have 2 hours of daylight available when I’m not at work? My husband has opted to take himself a little summer vacation this year, and my daughter will be joining him next week. I give them a month before they try to kill each other. At least he can do the watering…

  27. On July 1st, 2009 at 2:15 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    My summer is going great! Of course, my kids are all grown up so there you have it….
    Hang in there, babe. You’re a great mother.

  28. On July 1st, 2009 at 1:26 pm Apple Sauce Says:

    I totally feel your pain. Pool passes have saved my sanity and the kids’ summer.

    I love your blog btw. Keep cracking me up 🙂

  29. On July 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm j Says:

    I too am in awe of people who can home school their children. I am also in awe of any parent who can stay home with their children 24/7. I love my children, but I love them even more when they are at “school” from 8:30 to 5. I try to take my vacation during the summer, but at about the 4th straight day I want to kill myself.
    Good Luck with Ben this summer – he may think you are an idiot, but I think you are a goddess.

  30. On July 1st, 2009 at 1:50 pm giggleblue Says:

    i’m spending my summer teaching middle school students who weren’t paying attention during the school year. and writing like three lesson plans a day. summer? what summer??? my summer was in months april, may, and june. i took it early this year.

  31. On July 1st, 2009 at 3:40 pm Valerie Says:

    One could say my summer has been crazy, or we could be optimistic and say “life is testing me and dammit I’m going to at least get a satisfactory.”

    Is your birthday Harry Potter Day this year? It IS! I will celebrate extra!

  32. On July 1st, 2009 at 3:28 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    Obviously, we’ve been busy planning your internet birthday party, duh.

    Remember, smart kids have NO TACT. My kid will ask questions about random dinosaur facts that he’s knows I don’t know only to have me make up an answer so he can tell me how wrong I am.

  33. On July 1st, 2009 at 4:09 pm Kristin Says:

    I’m driving about 760 miles this week because I was a fucking moron and scheduled my two oldest kids in camps that are at vastly different locations. That’s how my summer is going.

  34. On July 1st, 2009 at 4:18 pm Lisa Says:

    When the daily questions get to me, I say that I am on a “question vacation” for _____________ (specify time – from one hour to the rest of my life).

    Am I the only one still interested in your SEEPAGE or lack thereof?

    Come on, Aunt Becky, what is the deal with Alli? Love it or hate it? Seepage or pristine panties?

    Stop being such a holdout! 🙂

  35. On July 1st, 2009 at 4:43 pm Hope Says:

    Let’s see: you have an Autistic 7 year old and two other kids and you had the opportunity to send the 7 year old to camp and didn’t because:

    1) you enjoy having 3 kids around all summer? or

    #B) you’re a blithering idiot.

    Seriously, dude – if you can get him or one of the other ones into a camp at this late date: Do it! Even if you have to turn a few tricks to pay for it.

  36. On July 1st, 2009 at 4:49 pm Kristine Says:

    Well, considering I got laid off and on day one of being home, I managed to not only hit my kid in the fac with a baseball, I got myself locked out of the house and had to borrow the pool guy’s cell phone to call for help. But yeah, other than that everything is peachy.

  37. On July 1st, 2009 at 5:50 pm baseballmom Says:

    OMG, Alex does the SAME THING. He asked me last night what time it was, and I said, “9:30”, and he started laughing his ass off and said, “Uh, NO, it’s actually 9:26, MOM!” like, DUH! He also made fun of me because I mispronounced something stupid…I explained that it was because I was so stressed out from his constant talking! Geez.

  38. On July 1st, 2009 at 6:59 pm Mimi Says:

    My kids aren’t old enough yet to know I’m a moron. I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

  39. On July 1st, 2009 at 7:07 pm Inna Says:

    party?? What party?

    oh, and I voted. 🙂 Actually, I voted twice cause I got two email addresses, yup, I’m fancy like that.

    oh, and its 9:06pm, in case you were wondering.

  40. On July 1st, 2009 at 7:26 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Little J does that stuff all the time. It drives my parents crazy, but I get how he is. My mom told me she wonders if he has Asperger’s (sp?) syndrome, because he is really smart, but very particular about things.

    And he used to love the Magic Treehouse books, but now he thinks he’s too old for them.

    Hang in there, Beck.

  41. On July 1st, 2009 at 9:04 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    Why don’t you buy Ben Moby Dick? He’ll leave you alone for eight months until he learns there are cliff notes. Then you can discuss how the first mate was named after a coffee chain. Too obscure?

  42. On July 1st, 2009 at 9:38 pm abandoning eden Says:

    if he read 30 books since the end of school and is re-reading them already, it’s time for some longer books! 🙂 Maybe the chronicles of narnia? the hardy boys? the wizard of oz books? I have no idea what kids are reading these days 🙂

  43. On July 1st, 2009 at 9:46 pm Meg Says:

    As we sat in the office having Leigha assessed yet again for some such nonsense and I ran back and forth between the meeting and breaking up fights between the boys I was so calmly asked ” aren’t you glad school’s out?” to which I answered “he’s not even in school yet, but I can’t WAIT until he is!!” Of course referriing to Nathaniel my ginormous 4 year old who looks like a 7 year old:o

    That’s how I’m doing this lovely Canada Day:) and July first…it’s how I’ve been doing so far all year!!! When does school start??

  44. On July 1st, 2009 at 11:02 pm Lola Says:

    I’m with Ben. Those books suck! Jack and Annie make me want to kill myself! As for my summer, the kid is driving me crazy, and it’s apparently never going to stop raining, and I’m supposed to go to the Cape tomorrow with, I don’t know, ten boys ranging between 5 and 11 and their stressed-out mothers, and all three of my dogs have the shits, and the puppy is puking.

    So, in summary, this “summer” BLOWS, and I hate everyone!!!

  45. On July 1st, 2009 at 10:49 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    Dude i think we have the same birthday- is yours the 15th too? or maybe it’s the 14th and I’m the moron? Anyway i think that I shall too turn 28, again. i wonder how many times one may turn 28. Whatever, it’s better than 33…damn

  46. On July 2nd, 2009 at 7:45 am Dot Says:

    About couch/chair, a lot of kids find it hilarious if you get words wrong, because they’re tryng so hard to get them right, it’s a big relief when a grownup messes up. Bill Cosby used that a lot. I like to get them laughing by saying, with a straight face, something like, “Don’t you have your shoes on the wrong hands?”

  47. On July 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 am sharon Says:

    i’m a fairly new reader – just coming out of lurkdom 2 say hi…i can totally relate 2 this post! my son (almost 9 yr old Aspie) corrects me all the time! & will even ask me not 2 say that i hate things…like even songs – he thinks i may b hurting the band’s feelings??? he’s constantly telling me what time it is – laying out our schedules 4 us – days in advance! i also have 5 & 6 yr old girls (typical) – the oldest has started rolling her eyes at my son correcting us – we’ve all learned 2 smile & nod or ignore it, i guess…school & work r saviors – gives mama a break! not sure what i’d do at home with all 3 during summer break – God bless ya! oh, & i’ll b 30 this month – i started going gray at 19 & have major salt & pepper going on now! my dad was completely white by 35, so i’m pretty sure i know where i’m headed! ;0)

  48. On July 2nd, 2009 at 11:10 am Merritt Says:

    My summer is awesome, namely because I don’t have to stay at home with the kids (I work outside the home). Granted, I get 387 text messages a day telling me that they’re bored at their dad’s/when am I coming home/so and so looked at me funny, won’t play with me, said something mean to me, etc. The days I am home, I’m all, isn’t there something on tv you can watch? (It’s been raining for literally 2 months here, so they can’t go outside) Screw brain rotting, I’m all for saving my sanity.

  49. On July 2nd, 2009 at 10:51 am kbrients Says:

    oh dear stay at home mom… I do not envy thee…

  50. On July 2nd, 2009 at 1:02 pm Nancy Says:

    My teenager keeps calling me at work to lodge complaints about the absolute stupiidist shit ever. Don’t call me again unless there is blood or a fire!

  51. On July 2nd, 2009 at 7:51 pm Betts Says:

    Cute little duffer, isn’t he?

  52. On July 2nd, 2009 at 10:47 pm tobacco brunette Says:

    I’m just fucking annoyed that you’re only 28.

  53. On July 10th, 2009 at 5:55 am Jenn Says:

    Monkey does those same things to me! His favorite word is ACTUALLY and it drives me nuts!

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