Last night, as I was blearily trying to tuck in some dinner, talking to The Daver and waiting for the Vicodin to kick in to stop my eyeballs from trying to pop out of my head with a loud SLOP! sound and slither down my face onto my chicken sandwich, our eldest son came in to read aloud.

He’d been reading, I knew, from a book that The Daver and I had bought him when we’d found out that we were pregnant with his brother (Benny was 5), called It’s Not The Stork. Why he had the renewed interest in baby-making, I didn’t know, but he loved the book, and that was good enough for me, so for reading time, which he has every night, he was opting for that.

Last night, though, he came in with that book and a horrified look on his face.

“LISTEN TO THIS,” he said to us.

I couldn’t see what page he was turned to, but already I knew I wasn’t prepared. We’d been over most of the book together, and the only stuff we’d sort of skipped was how the sperm made it INTO the vagina in the first place.

(Oh yeah, in my house? We have sperm and vaginas and penises and ovaries and fallopian tubes and uterus’s (it’s not uter-YOU! Becky, it’s uter-US!) because those are the names of the organs. And I don’t believe I could call his penis a “tinky-wink” without then thinking that the next time I got into the sack with The Daver. *shudders*)

Autistic kids have memories like traps, so anything we’d talked about before was stuck firmly in there, so I knew whatever was coming had to be about those pages we’d sort of ignored.

And I was right.

“LISTEN TO THIS,” our son crowed. “THE MAN PUTS HIS PENIS IN THE WOMAN’S VAGINA IN A SPECIAL SORT OF SLEEPING CALLED MAKING LOVE, OR HAVING SEX.”

He said it so loudly that I’m pretty sure the entire neighborhood heard.

The tone though, that sent me over the edge and I snickered into my hand. I didn’t WANT to. I mean, I’d been preparing for this chat for YEARS. And yet, here I was, laughing. It was just the way he said it.

And the look on his face afterward. Sort of a mixture of awe and disgust. Kind of the way I felt when I first found out about The Sex.

All I remember is thinking to myself when I got The Sex talk, “when I grow up, I never want to stop having it.” He certainly looked more horrified than that, which means he’s probably going to be a more upstanding citizen than I.

So, dutifully, Daver and I dragged our sorry assess out to the living room, after I scooped up the last of our “results of making special sleeping” named Amelia and asked if he had any questions.

We informed him that this wouldn’t happen until he was much older AND PREFERABLY MARRIED (o! the questions this will no doubt create) and we talked a little about puberty as we both quietly died a little bit inside as we both remembered that this gangly 8 year old was not the tiny 2 year old any more.

He seemed to accept it all remarkably well, considering, and seemed most concerned about his voice changing more than anything else. Promising to order him the book about puberty and continue the conversation tonight as he read more, he went off to bed, as at least 204 more grey hairs sprouted forth atop my head.

And now, I’m just waiting for the frantically irate phone calls from the parents of kids that Ben teaches ALL about this. Luckily, I guess, he’ll have the anatomy down PAT.

——————-

What was your sex talk like? Did you get one? Did I just ruin my son for life?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

242 Responses to The Sex Talk

  • Choleesa says:

    I laugh at your pain. My daughter, was extremely grossed out by the whole “sex” thing, she has stated that she will not have sex until after she is married to her husband for a couple of years, and then “she guesses she will do it cause she wants kids”
    On a side note, she once informed me that a “stiffy” is when a boy dosnt wash his “peepee” good enough.hahahahaha

  • ROFLMAO!!!!!!! oh i’m so glad the magoo is only a year and a half… but i guess i should start plotting for this conversation now.

  • MJ says:

    Oh, trust me, you didn’t just ruin your son, my oldest is about his age and we had to have “THE TALK” about a year ago.. He informed us that when he was at his father’s house, His dad and his girlfriend would leave him in charge of all SIX kids (he’s the oldest) while they went upstairs and “Did the s-e-x” (said really quietly and spelled out because you know, he’s a shy second grader)… Oh boy oh boy… I SO was not prepared…

    I think your talk probably went over MUCH better than ours… and #1 seems ok still… hehe.

    We made sure to tell him NOT to tell the other kids at school about it because it was up to their parents to tell them about those things, and if he did then they might get mad… so far no phone calls, lol

    Good Luck!

  • Wow, I’m glad my daughter is only two and a half. Is this what I have to look forward to?! I love the description of making love as a “special sort of sleeping.” Hoo boy . . .

    I never got the sex talk — my prudish parents let me figure it out for myself by watching HBO when they weren’t home. You did NOT ruin your son — you did him a favor by talking about something he SHOULD be able to talk about with you! Good for you! And also, I’m glad it’s you and not me.

  • Sarah says:

    I haven’t broken it all down for my 8 year old girl yet. I need to … Should be a helluva thing. My sister is 6 years older than me – my parents never had a chance! Figured most of it out from her notes to her boyfriends. As did half my fourth grade class when I took those notes to school.

  • Mine is only five…so thankfully we haven’t gotten there yet. She did however catch me getting out of the shower recently and caught me in all my glory. She pointed at my boobs and said “Mama, don’t those hurt?”. Yes, child. They do. Especially when I run. Which is why I’m fat.

  • Erica says:

    OMG! I don’t even want to think about the sex talk. Luckily, I’m only 5 months along and won’t have to think about the talk for….oh say 30 years or so. ;) I’ll just have to hope my sister-in-laws have some good advice for me when that time comes!

    Good Luck on pre-puberty!

    P.S. Will you give me The Sex talk? I think I’d rather learn about it from you than my mother. Although on second thought, it might be a little late for that.

  • andrea says:

    “special sleep making” love it!!! where do they come up with this stuff?

  • carissajaded says:

    I don’t remember the first sex talk… but I do remember the last one. The one where my mom explained that there were other options besides flat out having sex. There was hand sex, and mouth sex. I was in the car with her and wanted to jump out.

    I love your son’s story! I think you handled it quite well… I can’t imagine having to talk to children about this!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Ben is very, very literal, so we have to be very careful what we say because he will never forget it. At 45 he’ll be all, “When I was 8, Mom, you said….” so we can’t lie EVER.

      *headdesk*

      I guess it’s good I’m a crappy liar.

      Also, I wanted to jump out of the car FOR you reading that. *shudder, shudder*

  • Shit Aunt Becky, you and The Daver rocked that. And honestly, I am just going to use this blog post to teach my future “results of making special sleeping” all about sex.

    I believe I learned about sex from a combination of A Current Affair, my cousins and an overactive imagination. Which was then taken out on our poor American Girl dolls, who were total skank whores. Except Kirsten. She never got any and always ended up being the librarian.

    I need therapy.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My friends Barbie dolls were always humping. Like I said, when I grew up, I always figured I’d never stop having sex. Shockingly, I don’t have sex ALL THE TIME.

  • Jess says:

    My kids are too young, thank god… but my husband uses the word “snacks” for sex (like, “Are we ever going to have snacks this week?”) when we are in front of the kids, which is leading us up to some strage conversations later on…

    My mom told me about sex years after I learned everything I needed to know from friends.. but her gem of advice when I said I wanted to wait was “I really doubt that’ll happen.” She rocks.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My mom was pretty wise too, actually. She’s all, “when you start having sex, I’ll put you on birth control pills.” And she did.

      Dave never got any talk at all. Which is kinda NOT the way to handle it.

  • Kelly says:

    I don’t really think I got a sex talk….probably how I ended up preggers at 17. Since I did get knocked up at such a tender age, I have probably thrown so many sex talks down Mack’s throat, she is scared shitless.

    But, being open and honest, is the way to do it. They will come to you with horribly uncomfortable questions, but at least they come to you and not the internet (porn), or a friend.

    So ackward and weird. “Special sleeping”, I haven’t heard that one…maybe I’ll use that one on Mea.

  • Karyn says:

    My parents got us a rather.. um. Graphic. book about the actual birthing process. I mean, it even showed how gross looking newborns are, what with all the blood. I mean, it’d probably be nothing NOW, but when I was 10, it was HORRIFYING. I mean, seriously, that looked painful! So I decided then that I’d NEVER have a baby or sex. Cause sex was gross anyways, at least in the clinical way it was described to me.

    You did fine! The giggling he would have heard when he takes Sex-ed at school anyways. Boys are notorious gigglers.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Did you know that some people actually BRING THEIR KIDS TO THE BIRTH?

      I can’t imagine anything more traumatic. Shit, I didn’t even watch myself give birth. *shudders*

  • Good for you! Well done.

    I’ve been patiently, eagerly awaiting my turn to have “the talk” but the 9 year old just doesn’t seem interested. I’ve forced a few mild facts onto him over the last year or so, because really, he should be asking some questions by now, no? He’s just kinda oblivious to it.

    Hmmm . . . maybe I could have a go at the 6 year old. He’s much more curious by nature.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think it’s all about when they’re ready, you know?

      I’m just waiting for the SAFE SEX talk. Where I whip out the diseased crotch shots. THAT will be awesome.

  • ainebegonia says:

    special sleep? wait you mean I could have been sleeping while I was making my kids? darn, wish I had known, I would have gotten some rest.

  • Nicolle says:

    I have always believed in honesty…which is why I’m full of the Awesome.
    I told my brothers kids all about the birds and bees from the beginning. *I was pregnant…they asked…it was rated PG* He was a little ticked off (just because he didn’t want to answer questions – lol) But now he thanks me! His kids have a healthy outlook, and they are the ones telling their friends, “No, a girl has 3 holes! Yes. Three!!” (and now that they are teenagers….NO QUESTIONS!!!) My brother loves it!!
    I’ve told my son since birth, too. Yes, they all have the proper names, and he knows you have to insert tab A into slot B. But being in 2nd grade…I don’t elaborate on the nasty, sweaty way we do it. :o)
    I think it’s like baby talk….if you teach your kid the wrong terms first, you’ll just have to reteach them later. Start out how you want to end up!
    (no thanks to Oprah and the stupid Vjay-jay comments)
    O – and my problem with the boy at school? Telling kids there is no Santa. Parents would probably care LESS that he is saying all the right words for parts. You can’t imagine how out of shape people get about that mythical creature. Cuz he doesn’t exist at our house. Christmas is a religious holiday. The fat man takes the focus off of that. (yes, we have presents. yes, it is my favorite holiday. yes, my child is normal….)

  • Lola says:

    No, you didn’t ruin him, but you are so going to get in trouble when he gives the first sex ed class in school!!!

    When the boy asks me, I tell him calmly and laugh my ass off later. So far, he hasn’t directly asked about how the sperm gets in there, but with so many dogs around, I think he’s figured it out.

    Me? The slutty neighbor teen girls and the horny older guys I hung out with taught me everything I ever needed to know and thensome!!!! My mother never said a word and simply brought me to the gyno when I was 13 and instructed her to put me on the pill immediately.

    I turned out okay, don’t you think?

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Wait, you have to have SEX to get a baby?

    I think I need to have a conversation with my wife…

  • moonspun says:

    You did well, my friend…very well. Your son is not scarred, but well informed. think of how many kids are not!
    I taught my sister to say fuck when I was 9 and she was 5. Problem was I had no idea what it meant and so when she said it in front of my parents my mom asked me what it meant. When I said I didn’t really no, I got the sex talk. Here is the uber-embarrassing part. My mom just pulled a blanket over us and talked to me, with my dad sitting across the room watching tv. When we were done and I was duly horrified, I glanced over at my dad and could tell that he felt just as awkward as I did.

  • Melia says:

    “it’s not uter-YOU! Becky, it’s uter-US!” – Damn, that’s poetry.

    I need to remember that eventually, I’ll have to have this same chat with my similarly Enigmatic 9 year old, who will then recite anatomy, as well, with the same expertise he names the DC Metro Stations… hourly.

  • Lucy Cooper says:

    We are all about the straight talk here, too. When my then- five year old asked me how the baby in me was going to come out, I said, “Out of my vagina.” he laughed and said, “No Mommy, I’m being serious. How?” He thought the vag answer was a joke. And come to think of it, squeezing a baby out of you vag is kind of a joke.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Ben and I went back and forth with this for quite awhile, because he seemed perplexed by it as well. He was worried that they’d have to cut me open and while I explained that the vagina was stretchy, he didn’t seem to buy it. Which makes sense.

      The kid is pretty smart. Just like yours.

  • ken says:

    i have “special sleep” all the time with crissy.

    sometimes she’s not awake for it.

    no harm, no foul!

  • Leslie says:

    Don’t make me do it, please. I don’t want to talk about it with him.

  • a says:

    Here was my sex talk: My mother conversing with my oldest sister…”We’re Catholic. We don’t believe in pre-marital sex.”

    Me(age 13ish): Man, we don’t get to have ANY fun.

    Mom (horrified): Pre-marital sex is NOT FUN.

    Sex talk with Dad…as I was leaving for a week long trip from Chicago to Colorado with my boyfriend (I think I was 20), Dad says “We don’t have to have THE TALK, do we?” No, Dad, we most certainly DO NOT have to have THE TALK.

    I’m sending my daughter to my best friend for the talk. My friend will give her all the information she needs, and I won’t have to snicker or be embarrassed!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Maybe I should send Ben to my UBER conservative in-laws for the sex talk! He’d be totally frank with them and it would be freaking HILARIOUS. I’d have to, of course, run a video camera somewhere on there so we could all watch it.

      Because yeah. It would be something like this.

  • I know that conversation is coming my way. I’ve been ducking it for a year or so, diverting him, putting him off with half answers and jokes but soon DS1 is going to want just the facts ma’am.

    And the problem is I can’t have a serious conversation about it. Partly nerves, partly life long habit, sex is funny to me and he’s going to end up embarrassed with misinformation because Mommy thinks Life is a Monty Python movie

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That’s just it. I wanted to be serious without being TOO serious, you know? It’s such a weird situation and you don’t want to be the person who scars their kid for life.

      *sighs*

  • Trista says:

    That was awesome, I love the straightfoward(ish) aproach. I get hives when I hear people refer to their kids’ hoo-hoos, or va-jay-jay, or whatever. It’s a VAGINA, for crying out loud. (whoa, I’m not sure I’ve ever typed VAGINA in capitals before.) When the day comes that we (who am I kidding? as if I won’t have to be the one to do it) have to have “the talk” with our daughter many, many years from now, I’m going to get that book.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      From now on, we should refer to our vaginas as “tinky-winks” just for shits and giggles (porn-n-eggs?).

      Because yeah, that makes my beav itch. It’s a goddamned vagina. Deal with it.

      • Tracy says:

        I hate when people use “cutesy” terms, but speaking of using proper terms, the vagina is actually inside, we refer to the outside as the vulva. Always been a pet peeve of mine, cuz, yeah, I am insane.

  • You did awesome!

    My sex talk happened 2 years after I watched the filmstrips in my 5th and 6th grade classes. The day I got my period my mom said, you know, this means you can get pregnant now, right?

    Nice.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think I would have peed myself. I kind of wanted more pomp and circumstance than my mom gave me when I got my period, but my mom was never one for that sort of stuff.

  • Coco says:

    Am I the only one channelling “Kindergarten Cop” here?

    “Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.”*

    “Thanks for the tip.”

    Seriously, Becks, I would have laughed too. But I think you did great.

    I never got a sex talk from my parents (thank the Gods) because in 7th grade we were able to take a sex ed class (once the permission slips were signed of course), and it was pretty progressive for the early 80′s. Naturally, I was the plump, awkward kid, so my practical knowledge of this info wasn’t obtained until several years later, but still. I stored it up.

    *I actually used this line when Badger asked me where MY penis was. It was the only thing that popped into my mind.

  • Heather says:

    LOL! How rich!! My talk came from asking, repeatedly, what a condom was. Mind you, I knew what a rubber was, and if she’d have just answered the question instead of shushing me in front of my younger brothers (who no doubt knew) all would have been cool! BUT NO!!! We had to have “THE TALK”. I think I was in 4th grade or so. My mother had 3 children after me who were born out of wed-lock to three different men, and I remember her saying…”I was looking for love in all the wrong places” and all I could think was “No fine girls, just ugly faces!!” I know, I know! Thanks you hip hop for teaching us all the virtues of life! I was horrified with the talk. I already knew everything, and my mother talking about it just made me feel all weird. So, maybe it was good that you started earlier. I know with my youngest brother, they had the talk when he was 5 or 6 because he was WAY too curious. But I ended up ok. Although, like I said…to this day all I remember is that song!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I just asked him if he had any questions rather than launching into a talk because I figured that would embarrass him further. Hope that was the right thing to do.

      *sighs*

      Who knows?

      I’m sure The Internet will teach him plenty.

  • toywithme says:

    Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Yup, that pretty much sums it up. Oh, plus a booklet circa 1928 based on menstruation that I found on my bed one day. It baffles me when they wonder why I was such a rebel.

  • Laura says:

    OMG Our daughter has Sex Ed this Spring in school and I am dreading it! We will have to give her the staight dope immediately after…

  • uthostage says:

    This is the first time I have visited your blog. What a way to start off! LOL No you haven’t ruined your son for life; that will happen the first time he accidentally walks in on you having sex! Oops! ROFL

    I was snickering right along with you until I started to think about how my daughter is now 10 and we haven’t had any portion of The Talk yet. I’m so screwed. Maybe I should start her off with actually using the correct anatomy terms before we jump off the deep end into the rest of it. I know my husband wants NOTHING to do with this discussion, so it’s all on me. Great.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      When Amelia gets old enough to have The Talk, I’m sure The Daver will be so far away from this. Something about his precious daughter getting to the stage in life where she might have sex, just will freak him out.

      Maybe you can buy her a book! Hooray for books!

      Good luck.

  • Christa says:

    I never got the sex talk. My parents waited too long and I started my period in the 5th grade. Problem is that I had no idea what was happening to me and I hid what was happening from them for 3 days before I finally had a melt down. I came to them a sobbing mess and told them that I was dying of cancer. (it was the only logical conclusion in my little mind) My father turned beet red and ran out of the room. My mother was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face. And I started yelling at her for not caring that I was dying of cancer.

    Looking back I can laugh about it now.

  • Rebecca says:

    Last night, I was thinking about you and sort of was talking to myself out loud (what, not everybody does that?). Anyway, Isabella was in the room and I had mentioned ‘dangly bits’. You had used it in another post and for me, it’s quite funny. Anyway, I had mumbled dangly bits, smiled and shook my head. My daughter looks up at me and says “What’s Dangly Bits??”

    ME “Umm, Well, honey…I don’t really know right now. It’s just something that I read on the internet and found it to be sort of funny. Doesn’t it sound funny?”

    Isabella “Oh mommy! I know what dangly bits are! It’s this right here…..” (she pointed to something dangling from one of our Christmas decorations!)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      The kid totally has a point. Also, I should totally get some Christmas decorations up.

    • Melissa says:

      NOOOO!!! You do not have your Christmas decorations up already! Seriously, are you my sister? I know my nieces name is not Isabella but still. I thought she was the only one that Christmas crazy.

      I would feel much better if you would tell me that they are decorations that you never took down from last year. THAT my mind can wrap around lol. Because I am all about the lazy.

      • Your Aunt Becky
        Twitter: mommywantsvodka
        says:

        I have these sleigh bells, right? I bought them, hm, when I was pregnant with Alex? THREE YEARS AGO? I haven’t taken them down.

        But yeah, no. The rest haven’t gone up. YET. Soon….

  • Brooke says:

    Oh man, I am not looking forward to those days. My 10-year-old niece is nearing THE age, and her parents have given her some of the talk, but I’m sure that because of our relationship, she’ll eventually come to me with the stuff she’s too embarrassed to ask her mom.

    I refused to talk about any of it with my mother. I got a book instead. I’m incredibly modest about that stuff – I still don’t talk about periods (yuck!) or sex very easily with anyone but my husband (husband not included in the period (yuck!) talk). Having the talk with my children is going to be a serious struggle for prudish little me.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That’s kind of how I felt. I didn’t really WANT to talk about that stuff with my parents because, I don’t know, I just didn’t. I don’t know that any kids want to. It’s awkward. I guess that’s stuff you need to learn on your own.

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Here is where I explain my drug and sex chats with my children:
    http://blessourhearts.blogspot.com/2009/02/honey-are-you-smokin-de-dope-are-you.html

  • joann Mannix says:

    We used proper names with our daughters, too. I was proud of that fact, until the night we had a Spring Festival at my 2-year-old’s preschool. It was held in the gym with all kinds of games and booths. They had a game of pre-school mad libs they were playing for prizes on the stage. My daughter’s fill-in-the-blank question was, name a body part. She, of course, announced on the microphone to the whole gym, “A vagina!” Oh, yes she did.

    When I gave my oldest daughter the talk, I downed a glass of wine first. My girls knew everything about birthing babies and body parts. They just didn’t know how the baby got in there. So, after my wine I gave her a thorough explanation although quite objective, never correlating her own conception with this act. She was disgusted at the explanation. My husband was waiting outside the room and when she came out she announced to him she would never be doing THAT. And he told her she wouldn’t always feel that way, that it was a beautiful thing between a husband and wife and then he topped it off with, “How do you think you were made?” Her eyes got as big as saucers and she ran shrieking from the room. I think we’ve damaged her for life.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahahaha! The Vicodin dulled the pain in my eyeballs AND my soul last night, thankfully, and yeah, I’m waiting for the fallout from this. It’s inevitable. We’ll hear about this for YEARS.

      Which is fine. He’ll teach his siblings, I guess.

  • Elizabeth says:

    My mom had “the talk” as kind of an on-going discussion. I remember knowing how babies are made by the time I was about 8 or 9. And while what was said was all very accurate, um, some of the finer points were glossed over. (did you know that penises get errect?! who knew?) So for YEARS I had several misconceptions about how things should go down. Another example: I was worried for a long while that a guy would pee inside me. I think I learned how the stuff in between kissing and conception works from teen magazines/cosmo (well, that and my boyfriends).

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think that filling in the blanks through other methods is probably better than hearing it all from your mom. I dunno. I didn’t have ANY IDEA about semen until I was much older, because I would have logically thought it was pee too.

      BLECH.

  • Weezie says:

    I have a friend in bookclub. When they gave her son “the talk” he then asked if he could watch while they made love. He was seven. He’s still a strange person at 22. Our son was 10 when he had the talk with his dad and despite being rather sheltered, he just nodded and said, yeah, that’s pretty much what I figured. Kids are smarter and cooler than we give them credit for being. I’d rather be ahead of the curve and have them feel like it’s ok to talk about it, than wait too long and have them be more knowledgeable and too uncomfortable to start a conversation.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think that’s absolutely true and very wise and I think we’re doing the right thing.

      And holy shit. I would never, ever allow my kid to watch. I don’t think I could perform that way. Wow. Uh, wow.

      • Weezie says:

        OMG! I hope they didn’t let him watch! I think he was a little strange just to even ask. The mom never elaborated beyond that point–but either way, he’s a strange guy.

  • Kristin says:

    I love that you giggled; makes me feel better about myself because that would be my first reaction too. Plus I still giggle every time I see my husband’s penis so that says a lot about my maturity level anyway.

    I think your blog is awesome! My 2 year old son saw me this morning pre-bra and told me he liked my cans. I have a vague feeling that you might be able to relate….

    Thanks for making me laugh!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I didn’t WANT to giggle but it was the look on his face plus the way that he said it, it was just so freaking FUNNY! Also, my maturity level rivals that of a teenage boy, so yeah, my poor kids.

      Plus, penises are funny looking so of course you giggle when you see one. They’re very silly looking.

      Thank you for making ME laugh with the comment about your cans. Your kid rules.

  • Roshni says:

    Special SLEEPING?! Well, no wonder he was horrified at the thought that he would have to do it in his sleep!!!:P

    I never got the chat..I learnt all about it from Mills and Boons, Sidney Sheldon and numerous speculations with my school friends!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      What I learned from my school friends was probably less horrifying than having to sit down and talk about it with my parents. Because while we talked about it when I was little, I think I might have died a little if we TALKED about it.

      *shudders*

  • miss thystle says:

    My mom drew diagrams on notebook paper. I was horrified. WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO DO THAT? I was a virgin until last year.

    So, when the time came to have “the talk” with M (then 12, I believe), I told her “Someday, a boy will ask you to suck on him where he pees. How do you feel about that?” And now she says that she’s going to buy a baby from China and stay single forever. So I’m pretty much the best mom ever.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m scarred for life by reading about your diagrams.

      But just wait until I give the SAFE SEX TALK OF DOOM where I whip out the diseased crotch shots. Oh yes, my children where will rubbers. OH YES THEY WILL.

  • Rebecca says:

    I forgot to tell you…..the supermarket where we get all our groceries sells the generic of Topomax. I read that and thought about you.

  • Chibbsy says:

    All Duncan knows about sex and baby making is that babies grow in tummies, come out of vaginas, “feed” on mom’s nipples and that daddies help mommies make the babies. I haven’t explained yet exactly HOW they help but then, Duncan is only 4.

  • Melissa says:

    My parents never had the talk with any of us. But I DO remember a funny story, when we were all in 4th and 5th grade (2 kids in each grade, ONE grade apart) we were driving home from some event. In any case my parents must have been WAY tired, because it wasnt until we were about halfway in to the Dr. Ruth Show on the radio that my father noticed that we were all a little bit too whisper giggly that night. He was all WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahahahaha! I remember finding a Playboy sitting out at my parents house. See, my dad was reading them for the articles (which I believe. I mean, they’re pretty tame pictures) and I saw my first full bush and was HORRIFIED.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    My first exposure was the textbook from my dad’s sex ed class in college. Full photos of positions. With creepy 70′s people in it. Crazy mustaches, full bush and everything. It was….scary.

    Around my 13th birthday though, I had a weekend out with my mom at the beach, where we talked about puberty and everything. It was a really neat weekend because I got to ask the questions and take my time and have my mom’s full attention. I plan on doing that in the future.

  • Suzy Voices says:

    My sister and I had the books “Where Did I Come From” and “What’s Happening to Me?” which were totally awesome. We cracked the hell up every time we’d read them.

    Later, when I was about 18, my mom took me aside and said, Well, I don’t know if you’ve had sex yet, but I’m pretty sure you have. And I just wanted to tell you that it DOES get better.” HA!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Your mom is a totally wise woman. It does get better.

    • Sherry says:

      I bought “Where Did I Come From” for my children. It was so much easier to answer their questions after they’d heard and read this book as a bedtime story. I still have it and read it to my great neice who is 3. I don’t think she’s paying close attention because she saw her dad in the bathroom and now tells everyone that “Daddy pees through his finger”.

  • Stephanie says:

    Totally off the subject… your one liner at the top reads: “Like a mushroom print for the soul” yet, I very much interpreted it the first time I read it as “Like a mushroom stamp for the Monday” Dunno why. I think I’m dicklicksick. or however you spell it.

  • Dual Mom says:

    Last evening driving home we somehow got onto the topic of purberty. My 15 yo boy says to his 11 yo sister: “You haven’t even hit puberty yet”. To which she promptly replies: “For all you know I’m wearing a tampon right now.” Shut him up really quick.

    Be very careful with the diseased crotch shots…THAT may indeed scar the poor little bugger for life! ha

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You know, I find that mentioning anything to do with tampons always shut my dad up. Dave is so shell shocked from living with me for so long that he’s immune. I imagine the boys will be tortured by their sister.

      Heh.

  • MFA Mama says:

    Ohgawd. I have an eight-year-old with AS who does not yet know that particular bit of information and now need benzodiazepines just THINKING about THAT coming to MY house.

  • Kristin says:

    You did good Aunt Becky. It is never easy but it is always better they get it from you.

  • A “Special Sort Of Sleeping?” I don’t usually “sleep” in the back of my car or on the kitchen counter. Oh yeah. That’s how we roll. My kids are never having sex. EVER!

  • tangeria says:

    when i was little my dad used to take me in the shower in the morning, wash my hair real quick, and shove me out the shower door to my mom and a waiting towel. it was just quicker to do that than to get a seperate bath time together. however, our showers came to a screeching halt one day when i asked him about his “tail”, and wanted to know why i didn’t have one.

    good times…

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I seem to remember the same thing happening to me. Noting my dad’s weenis and having him become so horrified that I never saw him without a shirt again. EVER.

  • Lis0r says:

    My parents dodged the birds-and-bees conversation bullet by letting someone else (this lady: http://www.protocol.gov.bc.ca/protocol/prgs/obc/1997/1997_MHickling.htm) do it. I remember going over the proper names for things, as well and the discussion on godd vs. bad touching.

    Yeah. My parents were lucky.

  • I talk pretty openly about sex with my son. My daughter would prefer to fill her ears with peanut butter than hear any talk about the subject. They are night and day.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think I probably would have stabbed out my eardrums rather than have to listen to my parents talk to me about sex. So, yeah, I’m with your daughter. But YOU can talk to me about sex. I’m game.

  • We’re not going to do the whole ‘sex talk’ deal.

    We’re just hoping for the best.

    And with that, we should probably prepare to have grandbabies in 7 years when my oldest is 12.

  • Nate says:

    I never really got the talk, so to speak. The closest I can really put a finger on was my sophomore year in college. I was in the car alone with my Dad, and he’d just met my girlfriend at the time that day. He said, “Nate, you’re an adult. You know what you’re doing; don’t be stupid.”

  • Bellwether says:

    When I was little, I made up my own ideas about sex and never bothered asking anyone. I just assumed I had it right, and that the way babies were made were 1) you had to be married and 2) you had to pray to God to ask for a baby and he would send you one.

    Thus I got confused with teen pregnancy ads on TV and asked my mom if it would ever happen to me. She told me that it was an “accident” and no, it shouldn’t happen to me.

    After I started receiving my sex education at school, around 4th grade, my mom sat down with me, asked me to tell her about what I learned, and talk about the different stuff with me. It was fairly open and honest, and she answered every question straight.

    I’m just sad that none of the sex ed videos covered female masturbation (I don’t know about male, the classes were segregated), and my mom didn’t think to bring it up.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      It’s kinda sad that people are afraid to discuss masturbation with their kids. It’s got to be even more confusing for boys who wake up with nocturnal emissions, you know?

      • Sherry says:

        It is very sad that most folks won’t discuss masturbation with their children. I always told mine that if God hadn’t wanted you to masturbate then He wouldn’t have made your arms the exact length needed to do it.

  • Michelle says:

    I have two stories to relate. First mine, and then my brother’s.

    Life is awkward when you’re a 4th grader. Your mom talks to a friend of hers who suggests that 9 years old is too late to have the sex talk and she should get on it immediately. In response, she brought me a comic book.
    Yes, internet, a comic book.
    It showed the quest of the sperm and had pictures of animated naked people in it. I spent a lot of time analyzing why I didn’t look like half of them, up until the day the book disappeared. Of course, this was not long before “sex-ed” in school which turned into a four year seminar. Three years later, I rounded out the awkward explanations my gym teacher gave me with sordid romance novels, which demonstrated both how it works and that you’re supposed to do it when two people really love each other. I was 12.

    My brother had it much easier. He had me. By the time he was old enough, I’d been there/done that. He could ask me questions he felt weird about asking anybody else. And he accidentally overheard a conversation I had with a good friend of mine.

  • Shin Ae says:

    I didn’t get a sex talk.

    I feel like I have tiny little sex talks with my kids all the time. They ask lots of questions; I answer. However, they never addressed the penis in the vagina issue. Yeah, for some reason just how the sperm got into the woman was unimportant to them. My older son found out about that detail from a friend at school, came home and informed his brother and then they both let me know they knew. Heh.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think I would be TOTALLY happy with that part. Mainly because every time I go to sleep now, I have a feeling Ben is going to be all, “are you going to have Special Sleep tonight?” and I am going to partially die.

      • Shin Ae says:

        Yeah, after they learned what was involved with The Sex they became concerned about the exact timing of The Sex. Like, asking about it in great specific-ness. My feeling is that the mechanics of sex and the emotional aspects are up for all kinds of discussion but the When Mommy and Daddy Do? That is private, and I let them know that it will also be private when they do it (with their Spouses!) and I will not ask them, either. They were totally fine with that.

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    “The Talk” came compliments of that damned sex ed video in grade 6. I seriously *just* learned 2 years ago that it’s not a good idea to flush tampons.

  • Christelyn D says:

    Wish I had Vicodin. Care to share?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Vicodin is totally full of The Awesome. and NO MR. DEA AGENT I WILL NOT SHARE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.

      (try the cough syrup that requires ID. you see trails)

  • K & B says:

    Aunt Becky
    After reading, we ran home to have a “snack.” We don’t have kids so can only imagine what this is all about. Garnishes are important so we followed the trail of rose petals to the tablecloth on the bed. There just happened to be Absinthe, raspberries and heated chocolate syrup. We started with the aperitif. Then the chocolate got out of hand. The raspberries were mixed in at various times. We finished with a shower of mint and rosemary.

    We now understand this “special sleeping” and “snacks” which may conclude in a food fight. Thanks for the nutritional and restorative advice.

  • Rose says:

    HAH!! I had Teh Sex Talk when I was in 5th grade, at least the formal one. I always knew about sex and what it was (unfortunately, I had walked in on my parents quite a few times…eauh o_O) but I didn’t know THAT much about it until we had sex-education at school. So, I went home and talked to my parents about it. Which was probably extremely awkward but I was interested, so…oh well. My mom was all serious, but she couldn’t help giggling with my dad…especially when my dad said, all dramatically, “You bleed. A LOT. And it HURTS.” and then they laughed at my horrified expression and told me they were just joking.

    I didn’t even know much more except about the anatomy and how it worked until I started having sex myself. Then I explored myself and my boyfriend, and now I suppose I am kind of a self-exclaimed expert on Teh Sex.

    Ohh, I love sex. :) *smiles happily*

  • Jami says:

    I remember my mom telling her friend that my dad was the one that was going to have “the talk” with me. Wish I hadn’t, it made me try to avoid being alone with my dad. Turns out I had nothing to worry about, I never got the talk. Had tons of sex ed classes, though. When I got pregnant at 24, my dad says “you do know how babies are made, don’t you?” in a joking manner. Kinda pissed me off, so I replied with the truth “Yeah, broken condoms.”

    My daughter is 10. She knows the basics and she knows the proper names. Daddy just loves to gross her out and tell her we have sex. “You know why you aren’t supposed to knock on our door when it’s closed? We are having sex.”

    Two funny items along these lines. When daughter was 2, she came up with a name for her vagina herself. It was a “naked.” She figured that’s what it must be called because the only time someone said “naked” was when you could see it. When she was 8, she wanted something from the vending machine in the bathroom. I shushed her but she kept up. When we left the bathroom and she was still whining, I explained what tampons were for. She thought it was candy.

  • Stone Fox says:

    we use the proper names here, too. now all i hear about are peeeeeeeenis and bagina and butts from the 4 year old.

    my parents were content to let the public school system teach us about sex. i am going to go the opposite direction; i’ll be using a powerpoint presentation for my kids, i think. charts, graphs, the whole works.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Dude. I have my powerpoint planned out. For the SAFE SEX talk. I’m stoked. But are the microbiology slides of diseased cootches going too far? I don’t know.

      • Stone Fox says:

        um, no. neither is the full length docu-drama i plan to write, produce, direct, and film (but not star in!) about the variety of STDs and the million and 1 ways they can kill and/or disfigure you. or make you go batshit crazy, like untreated syphilis.

  • Sandy says:

    Are you telling me I have to one day talk to Oscar about sex?

    Shit. I should have thought about that before I had a kid.

    Thank God for books. Or not.

  • kys says:

    I haven’t had THE TALK with my 9 yr old yet. And I know it needs to happen – soon. I keep hoping that Hubs will do it. But that’s kind of like hoping that Hubs will become romantical or actually fix shit around here.

  • I can’t even remember clearly how the conversation started. But I almost died laughing when my daughter said to me, “oh, you mean THE S-E-X”. I love that she wouldn’t come right out and SAY the word- she SPELLED it, like we used to when using words we didn’t want her to know…

    She’s got the basics, and just today, she told me that boys are icky and especially one boy because he’s obsessed with hoohoo’s… I told her to instruct him to only use the word vagina and he would probably stop, and if he asked to see hers, that I would beat him within an inch of his life… tactful, no. Mature, definitely no. Very likely true, only if my husband didn’t beat me to it!! :P

  • Krissa says:

    BWAHAHAHA! “A SPECIAL KIND OF SLEEPING?” BWAHAHAHAHA!
    *OK, sobering up a bit, here….* I have some friends who not only had the sex talk with their kids, (and I mean EVERYTHING), but got a banana and condom and showed them how they were put on. There were NO questions left when they were done and the kids were no more than 10 years old, tops.
    Now, go get those condoms and various fruits and vegetables and get busy! ;-)

  • All my mom told us about sex was “don’t do it.” Never anything about condoms or birth control. And me, being the rebellious badass (hahahahaha not) that I am, I ended up pregnant in high school.

    At least I know that abstinence does not, in fact, work for horny teenagers, and that my sons will know and have access to condoms!

  • Heidi says:

    I got the sex talk from my older brother and his best friend when I was six years old. They were ten, and very eager to share what they were learning about at school.

    As for my parents… well, I’m 23 now, and I still squirm a little at the mere thought of having to say the word ‘sex’ in front of them.

  • Sam says:

    HIGHlarious! I have a stepdaughter and she has a sister whom my husband raised as well. I will never forget when that lovely 12 year old asked me “what’s the difference between having sex and making love?” Thanks to the Fi’ty Cent song In Da Club that had come out that year. Thank you 50! I’m not even sure how I answered….. :) It’s okay to laugh. It’s all fun and games.

  • Badass Geek says:

    I never got the talk. I just sort of… figured it out.

  • Liz says:

    Auntie Becky, my 6 year old autistic son snuck up on me and read part of your post over my shoulder. We just had THE TALK. He wants a copy of the book.

    Thanks.

    Did I mention he’s a freaky good reader and I usually have to sneak-read your blog? I just sent him down to play a video game so I could read all the responses.

    When I started reading your post, I was congratulating myself on his having been 2 when his sister was born, thus mostly escaping THE TALK for a while longer.

    * my 4 year old daughter refers to female parts as ‘bum-bum’ and I hadn’t really corrected her because I have giggles when I say vagina. Since a boy at daycare just asked to see her panties (yes, that’s been addressed very firmly at the adult and child level with everyone EVERYONE concerned), we’ve been having the good touch/bad touch private parts discussion, and I did have to inform her that a bum-bum was in fact, a vagina. I did this so that she could more accurately tell an adult in charge about anything ever happening again, may it please please PLEASE never happen again. I’m amazed she didn’t tell her brother straight off – he would have told everyone right away, and it took her at least two days to tell me about it, and by then, well, she’s 4 years old, and the account I got was quite garbled and confused.

    I share this as an example of why it’s so important for your children to know common language terms for body parts. They need to be able to tell you exactly what happened sometimes.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oh wow. Just wow. The book is awesome and your son will love it and I’m sorry and please forgive me even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore.

      SORRY DUDE.

  • Stefanie says:

    My kids are a little young for the sex talk but I do have a question: what’s the right age to discuss anal? I think there should definitely be some sort of warning.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m pretty sure that you need to tell them that Astroglide is VERY important for anal.

      Better yet, you should do as I do and practice ass-tinance. I saved my ass for marriage.

  • Holli says:

    My mom never really sat down and had “the talk” with us. She was sort of matter of fact about it all the time. She used the real names for our anatomy, which we hated so we called them a TAIL and a CAVE. Yes, I am serious.

    We also went to a private school that had sex ed for one week a year. We had books and everything. That pretty much answered all our questions. Except for the actual penis in the vagina thing. I was like nine when David in my class told me the penis went IN the vagina, it didn’t just rub up against it. I went home and asked my mom. She told me David was right, and I told her she didn’t know what she was talking about. She said she had four babies, she thought she might know, and I informed her that there was no way a penis could fit into a vagina- she must be doing something wrong.

    She still won’t let me forget that.

  • Halala Mama says:

    Ummm yeah…. it’s kind of awful that the book called it “a special kind of sleeping” because every time you are sleeping? He’s gonna think yer doin it. :)

  • Sherry says:

    Every now and again I think of this and no matter where I am I start laughing out loud. I had just had ‘the talk’ with my son about puberty and all the things that would be changing in and around his body. The discussion of pubic hair seemed to have made the biggest impression because a few days later, he stepped into the kitchen after having dressed for school with a horrified look on his pale little face (background here… his little sister had very long hair and you know how long hair tends to sometimes get tangled up with clothes in the laundry?). I asked what was wrong and he held an 18″ strand of hair up before him and said in a shaky voice “Is THIS a pubic hair?” Oh yes, I fell into the floor laughing while my poor, innocent son stood before me with tears in his eyes. It was all I could do to collect myself and say (between guffaws) that no, that hair was his sister’s. If he ever sees this in print he’ll kick my ass!

  • Bluebird says:

    Eeek! So not cool to be caught off guard like that, especially when you’re not feeling well. . . Although, I suppose that was preferable for the uber serious way my mom approached me – I mean, I knew the minute she came in to my room that something was UP and I was not going to like whatever she had to say!

    And now I’m going to laugh the rest of the day thinking about “a special sort of sleeping.” I mean, really, like there’s any slepeing involved — on a good day ;)

  • tracey says:

    Dad (yeah, my father had The Talk with me. i think mom was chickenshit…): Do you know what sex is?
    12 year old me (rolling my eyes as only a preteen can do): yes.
    dad: do you know what they call girls who have lots of sex?
    me (considering all the possible answers to this question and deciding that ‘lucky’ probably wasn’t what he was looking for): yes.
    dad: good. don’t become one of them.

    my sister didn’t get the talk from him. gee, wonder why?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think my dad would rather have swallowed Draino than have The Talk with me, but maybe they did something wrong. I had a kid before I got married.

      In my defense, tho, I was on birth control.

  • Clair Jordan says:

    You did great! I have a gifted kid – remembers everything too. And just when you think you are done with that conversation he has thought about it and analyzed it and has more questions.

    Our kiddo is now 10 we told him when he was 8. Our daughter is 7 and she knows a few things. We use proper words like penis and vagina. When they ask we answer then truthfully. We start out with the bare minimum version and then go from there based on their questions.

    Funny story: As I said we use proper words for anatomy. My daughter at the time six, had a sub at school. Due to an overactive bladder, she often gets yeast infections and her normal teacher is aware of the situation but obviously the sub was not. After repeated requests to go to the bathroom, the sub asks her in front of everyone “What are you doing in there? Why do you have to go to the bathroom so often?” To which my little sweetie responds “My Vagina itches!” The sub told her to never use that word again. Needless to say I had a conversation with the principle who also turned white as a sheet when I used to word vagina!!

    I’m still waiting for the talk from my parents…….

  • I can’t ever remembering have “The Sex Talk”, I think our family just always talked about sex. My parents were very open about us talking to them. We could ask them anything and they would give us straight answers. That’s what I did with my kids. I talked and still do, talk to Nae about sex and drugs (she’s 12 now). I make sure SHE knows that she can’t EVER get her “first” back. So if she thinks she’s ready for her first kiss, she HAS to make sure. You don’t get a do-over. She seems pretty confident in herself and comfortable talking to me. Not her father though, but that’s his fault. He doesn’t like to see his “baby girl” all grown up with boyfriends and stuff. Poor guy.

    I did try to have The Sex Talk with Zilla a few weeks ago. We were watching a program and sex came up and of course he asked about it. So I told him what it was “sex is when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina”. I figured him being 6, keeping it simple was the way to go. He was SO disgusted. I might have ruined sex for him for a VERY long time. Weird, I don’t feel bad about that….

    Sorry for the novel. Feel better!
    *HUGS*

  • Lesley says:

    I’m the youngest of four daughters, so by the time “the talk” came around I basically knew all the important stuff anyways, from my sisters. My mom gave me a book and asked me to tell her if it was any good

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      So was the book any good?

      • Lesley says:

        It was a pretty standard book. Not exactly a fascinating read, but it had the basics

        The funniest sex education I got was from school actually. I went to a catholic junior high school, so sex ed was actually part of our religion class. It was kind of along the same lines of the health class in “Mean Girls”: “If you have sex, you will get pregnant, and you will die”

  • I didn’t get the talk. I heard about it all from friends and cousins. And for that, I am extremely grateful. I wouldn’t be able to look my parents in the eye if either of them had ever openly discussed sex with me.

  • Kids get everything important, at just about the right time, for them. In bits and pieces. (The neighbors may have learned a thing or two as well.)

    It all sounds most amusingly correct, and not that far off from a variation or two that took place in our household, but without books, and in stages, starting at age 2. EEK.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I nearly choked. AGE 2!?! You poor thing. I think I’d be bald by now.

      • Yes indeedy. Age two. First the placenta discussion. (Yes, you heard correctly – P-L-A-C-E-N-T-A.) Then sex, death, God, and more… I tucked the retelling of that little tale under my link, tra la. Hey – you might get the placenta question and I thought my response was DAMN good for 3 hours of sleep and pre-Wiki, pre-Google, and pre-RHOA-Kim-wig due to … yes, female pattern baldness. The result of too many precocious questions and no flack jacket to protect me. It’s a good thing I’ve got toe cleavage or I’d never… um… have a smile on my face!

      • Yes indeedy. Age two. First the placenta discussion. (Yes, you heard correctly – P-L-A-C-E-N-T-A.) Then sex, death, God, and more… I tucked the retelling of that little tale under my link, tra la. Hey – you might get the placenta question and I thought my response was DAMN good for 3 hours of sleep and pre-Wiki, pre-Google, and pre-RHOA-Kim-wig due to … yes, female pattern baldness. The result of too many precocious questions and no flack jacket to protect me. It’s a good thing I’ve got toe cleavage or I’d never… um… have a smile on my face!

        And by the way, I also supply condoms. Gracefully and discreetly, of course. But not to two year olds. They have to wait until at least age four to use them as water balloons. A little pricey, but hey, it drives the neighbors crazy watching those things flying off the deck out back and SPLAT! That alone is worth the extra pennies.

  • Amber says:

    I’ve spoken to my seven year old about how babies are made.

    He’s more interested in the fact that women have eggs in them. He’s all, “Like eggs we eat?” That’s all he cares about. The bloody eggs.

  • Jenn says:

    I think you did remarkably well, honestly. You’re a great mom.

    No sex talk for me. Not sure how I feel about that. I do plan on being a lot more open with my kids than my mom was with me.

  • catherine says:

    Oh! mommy on the spot! I remember those film strips! I clearly remember sitting in the darkened classroom with all the girls in my class (the boys were in the gym doing gross boy things) and staring in horror at the screen. I told myself, “That can’t be possible. The actual truth is so horrible, they’re afraid to tell us.”
    I’m sure part of the problem there was I had skipped two grades. My classmates were 12 and 13. I was 10.
    That was it for sex talk for me. Mom and Dad never touched the subject. But then of course, being a kid, I was pretty sure they never touched each other, either.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      How did I miss these awesome film strips and where the hell can I find them?

      *off to troll youtube for them*

      • catherine says:

        It would have been forty years ago – yes, I know, the dark ages – and the only other thing I remember was that they were sponsored by Kotex or some other feminine hygiene company. So that kinda turned me off as well, and confirmed my conclusion that what they were showing us was total fiction.

  • Antropologa says:

    You did great. :) My sex talk was really just about getting my period.

  • Ed says:

    Our are 6 and 5 and have had a kind of “sex talk lite” already this past summer, thanks to the god damn horny tortoises at the Philadelphia zoo. Swear to god, the tortoise — ahem — exhibit is right near the entrance. We passed them on the way in, they’re humping. We wander around to see the rest of the animals, passing them again a few hours later on the way out, they’re still humping. On that second pass one of the kids made a very loud comment about how long they were taking. Oh, the snickers and sighs that came from the soccer moms THAT afternoon.

  • birdpress says:

    I think you did great! I got a book too. I don’t remember having a talk about it, just the book. The people in it were cartoon people and they were kind of fat. That is all I really remember. I think I was six.

  • Cat says:

    I thought it was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard of. I remember just staring slack-jawed at my mother.

  • Michael says:

    I got mine from my boy around age 5 or 6. Literally 30 seconds from the front door of his school, apropos of absolutely nothing.

    “Dad, I know girls have eggs inside of them. What do boys have?”

    After driving back onto the road, I said, as calmly as I could muster, “My son, that is a very good question. I do know the answer, but it’s long and very complicated, and I can’t finish before you get to school. So when you get home, we’ll talk about it.”

    So he gets home, and we get ready to have the talk, and it turns out, all he wanted to know was the name “sperm”. That was it. Didn’t care, otherwise.

    Phew!

    (We had the talk a year or so later, of course.)

  • gypsygrrl says:

    i been reading all these replies and tryin to recall if i ever had Teh Sex Talk… i dont think so. madre did, of course, tell me about my period. and by “tell” i mean she bought me the book “are you there god? its me, margaret” (god bless judy blume) and then there was the sex ed classes in school ~ which really was just puberty/body-changes ed. catholic school ~ no education about teh sex, cuz its a mortal sin, premarital-sex and all…

    i do have a very vivid memory of passing the book “Forever” around my 5th grade homeroom with dog-eared pages where teh sex was happening. LOL and the book “Deenie” ~ tho i was so naive i didnt realize it was addressing masturbation. despite the fact that *i* knew damn well plenty about it… HAHA

  • Carol says:

    We didn’t have sex ed at my school, and my family didn’t talk about anything ever. I learned about periods from “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret?” and David Smith at school. So about a year after 11-year-old me started my period, I finally got the nerve to talk to my mom. Here is the entirety of her response to me, and the only “sex talk” I ever got (as she showed me the cabinet where pads were kept): “I’m sorry.”

    Not a surprise then, that when I was in second grade and got my report card, that I went running to the teacher and asked how I could get an “F” in sex? I didn’t even know I had taken it! She had to explain that the boys got “M”s.

  • Miss Spoken says:

    Nope. Nobody ever gave me the Sex Talk.

    But I had to hit the ground running when it was my turn to dish the goods on sexy time because there was my little girl … “discovering” herself under a blanket on the couch watching Hey Arnold.

    Shudder.

  • Yeah, sorry, I’m pretty sure you just ruined The Benner for life.

    We recently had this conversation with our 8- and 5-year-olds. Kieran said, and I quote, “They better wipe their bottom, or I’m not gonna do that.”

    We left the part out about how you might actually want to have sex FOR FUN and without the express purpose of making a baby. Can’t wait for that realization.

  • I got the sex talk… two weeks before I got married from both my mom and my grandmother. We went out to brunch the day after my bridal shower and my mom opens with, “Well, you know you’re getting married in two weeks and there will be some things that your new husband will want to do.” My grandmother follows with, “Now, don’t be scared. It’s even rather enjoyable after a while.” I almost ran out of the restaurant yelling. After an entirely awkward pause, I told them that I had been there and done that. I think I would’ve rather of never had a sex talk.

  • Mwa says:

    I don’t remember “the sex talk” because my mother would never shut up about it. I had the first sex talk with my son when he was three, and he was fine. It helps to get in there early, I find. Less awkward. He has only embarrassed me once by shouting “penis in the hole”.

  • Erica says:

    Hmmm my sex talk was dont get in the back seat of a car with a boy…So guess what I didn’t it was the front seat instead lol….

  • We had the girl first. She’s in 5th grade her school puts her into the sex class. I’m driving her and a friend to some event after they’ve been all day on the sex field trip where. as far as I can tell, they buss all the kids to the porn museum and give each one of them a bag of nickles. So they’re in the back seat giggling and talking about their new found knowledge as if I’m not there and I am trying as hard as I can to NOT BE THERE. I swear I was on the verge of apparating into the nearest bar when I hear this (they had some kind of pamphlet clutched in their hands and each raspy turn of the page engenders a new avalanche of oh-my-gods: Oh my GOD–they get bigger?

    I nearly swerved into a lamp post. On purpose.

  • Windsor says:

    So funny. I reacted just like your sun did as soon as I figured out what it is. I was so disgusted and horrified that my MOM and DAD were doing that.

  • Tara says:

    I did not ever get a sex talk. It was always hush hush awkwardness at my house. I was just days from my first “experience” when I discovered the actual logistics of sex. I knew there was “entry” of some sort, but that was ALL I knew. See – this comment is proof that I grew up in an awkward home. I can’t even use the word “sex” in context.

  • Lannie says:

    Apparently, I was five at the time (I was always quick with these kinds of things; I figured out that the dutch equivalent of Santa Claus couldn’t possibly exist at the age of six and a half). My mom told me this recently; I was sitting in the car and I think this was when my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister.

    She just told me how it worked in terms she thought I’d understand, and I just asked a few more questions, she explained, and then I nodded and said thank you. Apparently I was completely cool with it.

    While I don’t remember THAT particular talk, I do remember my mom explaining me how getting your period worked a couple of years later, and that was incredibly tasteful and a good explanation. So I think my mom just rocked about that kind of thing. It was all rather matter of factly, not leaving stuff out, but understandable for a little girl like I was at the time.

    You can say a lot of things about the fuckups my mom has made, but this wasn’t one of them. :)

  • Kristine says:

    I do NOT want to have this conversation with my son. OMG!

  • MamaSkates says:

    please please don’t tell me i’ve gotta have this convo with my 9yo Autistic son soon! glad we don’t have that book lying around ;0)

  • mumma boo says:

    Wait?! There’s supposed to be a talk?! All I got was a book and a cryptic “Read this and let me know if you have any questions.” Of course I had questions, but the look on my mom’s face when she handed me the book pretty much told me not to ask them. I think I relied on health class to fill in the gaps until I was old enough to, um, find out for myself what all the fuss was about. *cough, cough*

  • Wait…that’s how sex works? I’ll never look at my tinky-wink the same way again.

  • Mama Cas says:

    My mother gave me the “talk” when I was younger. It went a little somethin’ like this:

    “If you come home pregnant, don’t bother to come home at all.”

    Also, “Don’t flush your tampons and pads down the toilet. They’ll clog up the lines.”

    I’m hoping to be a little better than that.

  • amy d says:

    I applaud your honesty on the entire subject. And it’s totally rad that you don’t use cutesy names for the junk!

    I’ve already decided to have “the talk” with Jack early on, as to avoid any awkwardness for him. You and Daver did it right. At Ben’s age, he’s curious. You were honest and dirct and he wasn’t traumatized or embarrassed.

    I believe I was about 15 when my mom thought it necessary to have some senseless rambling convo about the sex. SERIOUSLY? 15!!! I lost my virginity a few months later. A little late there mom.

  • Kendra says:

    Well, my first thought is that it’s okay that I haven’t had the talk with my first-grader yet. I honestly don’t have any idea what they’re supposed to know! We’ve answered all his questions honestly so far, and the one I remember best was when he was about 4 and my sister was pregnant. He wanted to know how the baby was going to come out and we told him there was a special hole for the baby to come through. So, utterly logically, he asked if he could see it. I spent days scouring Amazon for a book that would let him see things without handing my 4-year-old pornography! (I did find the highly-rated “Bare Naked Book,” but by then he had moved on.) We have a “Human Body” book, and he likes to look at it and talk about our amazing bodies, and we talk about how babies grow in their mommies (and sit on their bladders, which is hilarious), but he hasn’t asked for more specifics yet.

    When I was in about first grade, I got handed a book called “Where Did I Come From?” and told to ask if I had any questions. I do not have a healthy attitude about sex. I hope I won’t pass that on.

  • It’s about a billion times better than the talk my mother gave me, that’s for sure.

    When I asked her how old she was when she lost her virginity she responded:

    “I never lost it, I know exactly where it is.”

    And that was the end of that conversation.

  • Cathy St. Pierre says:

    I can’t remember when my daughter and I had the talk. When she was 2 (that was back in the ’80s, context required) she would hardly leave me alone to go to the bathroom. Well, one day she got in when I was changing my pad which had to be explained since apparently I was hurt and bleeding. So, I explained about eggs and not getting pregnant so I didn’t need the blood to nourish my growing baby. This may sound terribly bazaar but she took it all in stride and there were no school kids I had to worry about her telling. We didn’t actually talk about sperm and sex. She did wonder if she could have a baby since she wanted a baby brother. I explained that she couldn’t and for months after she kept bugging me about whether I was having my period ’cause she knew it meant she wouldn’t get a brother if I did.

    This all worked out fine till the day that we were shopping for pajamas and my 2 year old struck up a conversation with a little boy, maybe 5, shopping with his mom and baby brother who was in a stroller. He said to her, Are you going to give your pajamas to your baby? I’m guessing he meant baby brother, like he was going to hand-me-down his. My daughter answered, “Oh no, my eggs aren’t ready to make babies yet.” The boy’s mom’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head and she looked at me as though I must have been the devil.

    This may not go over that well these days, but back in the early 80s I was quick to just smile and move on to another department with my daughter. I wish I could have had it all on tape!

  • Heather says:

    OMG… I’m a bit behind in my reader so I’ve been reading some posts from facebook but this one I apparently missed. I just about spit pop on my computer. HILARIOUS!!

    My sex talk… mommy what are those pigs doing? Making bacon dear. No… I’m not making that up.

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