*If you didn’t get it, I was making a reference to the SEA, Pranksters by referencing knots, which I think are some sort of sea thingy, or maybe they’re actually not. I could be referring to DON KNOTS who isn’t from the sea, I don’t think. He could be a Poseidon for all I fucking know. I’m still half tripping from the Dramamine, which should come with the label “WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP, BITCHES.”

I want a sandwich. And a snowcone. Actually, I want a snowcone sandwich.

Anyway, so I am back from my cruise and let me tell you that it was FULL of the awesome. Technically, it was a WORKING vacation, and Angie and I have come up with a fantastic idea which I will reveal tomorrow when the walls stop moving and I stop walking into my dogs.

So we were on a motherfucking boat wearing our flippy-flops, with apologies AND accolades to T-Pain, which is sort of like a traveling NASCAR fan hotel with all of the assorted classiness and hilarity that went along with it. I’m telling you that people watching cannot be better anywhere.

I got my first decent massage AND my first taste of true bad taste on the trip.

The massage was by a British woman and she was alarmed by the state of my stress level (an 8)(what, is that bad?) and the state of my back. Apparently, it was all kinds of tight and wound up and that’s apparently bad. Pretty much, she said that I would die unless I got more regular massages and stopped being so stressed out and maybe took better care of myself.

I tried to interject with “does Vicodin count as a stress reliever?” but then she sort of laid on my back with her elbows and I wept in pain and couldn’t speak. Or I could, but it would be a scream. I tried to make her tell me that my back was “knotty” so that she’d say something like, “Oooh, Rebecca, you KNOTTY girl,” and maybe then smack me around, but no such luck.

Just more of the elbows and threats of reducing my stress or “death.” WhatEVER.

The ship wasn’t exactly decorated from this era. In fact, it’s pretty much the LAST sort of decor that you want to see if you’re drunk and/or seasick, but it’s pretty much full of the hilarious. Brightly patterned carpets and brass and wall paper and colors! every! where!

It’s going to be vintage soon.

The worst place that I found was this: a HAND bar. I want whatever they were smoking when they decided that THIS was a great concept for a bar, because it had to be strong.

So you’re walking down the way and you see THIS:

Two giant hands. I assumed, nail salon. TACKY nail salon, but nail salon. Nope. The strains of a bad keyboard player ministering to a group of cougars wafted out and I could make out “My Girl.” Badly.

I was intrigued.

THAT is over the bar. I cannot impart how scary that looks. It’s a gigantic hand. Over the bar. What. The. Fuck.

The horrible keyboard player belts out shitty songs and drunken cougars vie for his attention and suddenly I’m horrified AND embarrassed.

The wall is home to the handprints of his conquests? OR VICTIMS…

The fingers wave creepily as I back out of the bar, happy to have escaped with my hands intact.

I’ll never listen to “My Girl” the same way again.



78 thoughts on “Knotty* By Nature

  1. Well, Don Knotts played a fish in that movie, or a man who became a fish, or a fish who had bad vision so wore glasses – my childhood memories are a little fuzzy, kinda like if I’d had some dramamine, but only because my brain decided to learn all the words to the first two Spice Girls albums and chuck all that useless kid stuff. Though that’ll totally be worth it when either the Spice Girls become huge again or the ghost of Ed McMahon knocks on my door with some weird combination of a sweepstakes and Don’t Forget the Lyrics, pop girl group edition. I’m sorry, why was I talking about Don Knotts again?

  2. I often think there should be a “People of Walmart” type site devoted to cruise ship passengers… top notch people watching, for sure.

    Glad you had a good time…scary hand bar or no!

  3. Did you notice that all the hand prints in the bathroom are all the exact same shape? They used a stencil for the hands? Really? Where’s the love?!

  4. What cruise line were you on? The S.S. Scaryass?

    The fingers pointing up around the bar are my favorite part! Who the hell designed that and more importantly when?

    Glad you took pictures..no amount of story telling could have depicted that!

  5. Those fingers around the bar look threatening, like, “I dare you to sit on this stool. I swear I won’t jam a giant, pointy fingernail in your bumhole, if you do.”

  6. I can’t believe that’s actually real. I think I will have a nightmare involving this very scene pictured above. What might make it a bit scarier is if a guy in a faux tuxedo shirt and sporting a mullet was in one of the frames.

  7. Holy shizz. I thought that cruise ships were classy and pretty! That is bargain basement crap they picked up when the local nail school went out of business. Damn.

  8. Oh my good god. A hand bar? What the? I don’t want to get fingered WHILE I’m getting drunk, thankyouverymuch. I’d rather wait until after I get slammed.

  9. Wow, scary indeed. Must have felt like you had already taken a couple of vicodin just walking into the place! My friend recently got back from a cruise and was dizzy for a couple of weeks!

  10. Wow. Just wow. That bar is so freaky, I don’t even know what to say. I went on a cruise, and while it was a bit garishly decorated and cheesy, it does not even come close to whatever you would call THAT. I think I may have nightmares too. . But massage, okay, NOW we’re talkin!!!!! Any trip that involves a massage instantly becomes an awesome vacation. I’m now jealous again. Can’t wait to hear your big idea. 🙂

  11. Ooh, my friends and I were on that boat (or a very similar one) about 10 years ago. I remember the hand bar well. We thought the overall decor was just like we envisioned things to look like in a Jackie Collins novel.

  12. WTF were they thinking?? I have a “leg lamp” from Christmas Story in my living room so Im down with crazy stuff just for the hell of it, but thats a little over the line, even for me….wow

  13. And I thought *my* cruise ship (at its bargain basement rate) was full of brass and bad patterns. I’ve never seen such a scary cruise bar. Not even when I was chased by the strange Phillipino staff because I was the only woman under 65.

  14. Dude I feel like I am on acid or something when I look at these pictures- of maybe like I’ve had 6 drinks (which I mean come it’s 3pm, I only had 3 drinks). Wow I am surprised that they don’t have suicide prevention pamphlets after people leave that place.

  15. it reminds me of the bar in clockwork orange…..there were giant hands to sit on and plastic molds of girls on their hands and knees for coffee tables. can’t beat the food on the cruise tho and the booze…..

  16. At least it wasn’t feet. Because feet are gross. Or butts. Butts should never get that big. Although making the butt-print wall would’ve been an AWESOME icebreaker for the crew.

    Welcome home.

  17. The only thing I can think about is the fingers all around the bar and that is creepy and it makes me want to cover up my girly bits because ……I think those fingers might like touching girly parts and that makes me worried.

  18. Oh yeah….I am sure you have TONS of reading to do, but if you look through my blog and find The Autistic Boy and read that post….I think you might like it……….

  19. That bar should be on a show called “Tackiest Places Ever”. Tacky could describe it as well as… Scariest Bar, Bad Fetish Bar, What you might find in your Wendy’s chili Bar. Shudder. It is just horrible and I really think the designer should have their credentials stripped. Actually there is no way a designer with any credentials designed that place. Bad, Bad, Bad. Funny but Bad.

  20. Welcome back, Aunt Becky, dear!
    I’m delighted to know you like Florida (which is where I live) and that you would want to be adopted by us except for our tea, which is more or less like saying you want to be adopted by Parisians except for their wine (um, no thank you, I don’t care for your interesting [read appalling] local drink). But these small things are no obstacle and we have initiated adoption procedures. I’ll have your room ready in no time!

    My only regret? That I was not with you in the nightmarish piano bar, and that it was another Angie with whom you cooked up your genius idea. Oh, well, I’ll just go paint over those handprints in your new room….

  21. I’m so glad you had a good time. The only time I ever went on a cruise I was pretty much horrified the entire time and as far as I know, there wasn’t even a hand-bar. Whoa! Hand Bar!
    I just kept wandering around thinking, “These are not my people. These are not my people,” and being afraid that they would recognize that and refuse to feed me or something.
    It was bad. Even though there was no Hand Bar.

  22. Whoa. Dude. That is very freaky decor. I do NOT want to know what they were smoking when they a) came up with the idea, b) found someone who would approve it, c) found someone to build it.

  23. I have passed along the versatile blogger award to you. Check it out! From the May 17th post. xoxo

    Side note: they trick u with that fun in the sun propaganda then, hand bar :::record srtach::: wtf are you still having nightmares.

  24. Tack O Rama! That’s a place that you visit with Hunter S Thompson while high on mushrooms.

  25. Talk about inducing a severe case of Handophobia! Those pictures are freaky just as small 6″ pics on my screen. I can’t imagine what they looked like IRL…and I don’t want to, either! *shudders*

  26. Feels like the set of a Movie that Johnny Depp would star in, dressed as a creepy bar tender/children’s television show host. The kind that makes you feel weird about ever having thought of him during special alone time…. I think.. I mean I would imagine.. that it might make somebody feel that way… hypothetically.

  27. That bar is the most horrifying place I’ve ever seen. I expect it to show up on an episode of CSI any day now.

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