2: Copies of “Build Me Up, Buttercup” that I now own.
1: IMPOSTOR copy of “Build Me Up, Buttercup,” that I unwittingly bought from iTunes like the moron that I am, making me angrily stamp my feet and mope about the house for being duped.
89: Golden Oldies in my collection.
Infinity: amount of shit I get for jamming out with my clam out to The Golden Oldies.
0: Times I have hit up the Blue Plate Special, despite my predisposition for Music That Brings Me Back to A Gentler Time.
0: Times I have hit up BINGO at the Old Folks home, despite listening to the Supremes croon on about their “Love Child.”
2: Teenage Death Songs in my collection of Golden Oldies.
2: Teenage Death Songs I used to sing as lullabies to my eldest son.
72,073,071,746: times I’ve wondered if that somehow warped him.
5: Members of my family who have succumbed to The Death Flu Round eleventy-five
3: degrees of fever I currently have.
98,746: Times I wondered if I could sue my children–and be victorious–for being demon germ factories.
1: Odd nomination for Hot Blogger Calendar.
28,975,757: times wondered if this was some sort of practical joke.
28,975,757: times decided this is THE BEST practical joke, EVER. SO VOTE, YO. It’s for charity.
0: Bloggies won.
1: Nobel Prize For Awesomeness awarded to self, BY self.
1: Nobel Prize For Awesomeness awarded to each of YOU for being awesome and helping me with my book sign up. (you should get your chapter this weekend, yo)
74: unread copies of The New Yorker, leading me to believe it’s time to cancel the motherhumping subscription already and go back to reading Highlights for Kids.
9: Uncrustables eaten this week.
12: Times I’ve wondered if I was going to get scurvy for living off Uncrustables and edamame.
12: Times I’ve wondered if I really cared because then it meant that I could legitimately talk like a pirate.