2: Copies of “Build Me Up, Buttercup” that I now own.

1: IMPOSTOR copy of “Build Me Up, Buttercup,” that I unwittingly bought from iTunes like the moron that I am, making me angrily stamp my feet and mope about the house for being duped.

89: Golden Oldies in my collection.

Infinity: amount of shit I get for jamming out with my clam out to The Golden Oldies.

0: Times I have hit up the Blue Plate Special, despite my predisposition for Music That Brings Me Back to A Gentler Time.

0: Times I have hit up BINGO at the Old Folks home, despite listening to the Supremes croon on about their “Love Child.”

2: Teenage Death Songs in my collection of Golden Oldies.

2: Teenage Death Songs I used to sing as lullabies to my eldest son.

72,073,071,746: times I’ve wondered if that somehow warped him.

5: Members of my family who have succumbed to The Death Flu Round eleventy-five

3: degrees of fever I currently have.

98,746: Times I wondered if I could sue my children–and be victorious–for being demon germ factories.

1: Odd nomination for Hot Blogger Calendar.

28,975,757: times wondered if this was some sort of practical joke.

28,975,757: times decided this is THE BEST practical joke, EVER. SO VOTE, YO. It’s for charity.

0: Bloggies won.

1: Nobel Prize For Awesomeness awarded to self, BY self.

1: Nobel Prize For Awesomeness awarded to each of YOU for being awesome and helping me with my book sign up. (you should get your chapter this weekend, yo)

74: unread copies of The New Yorker, leading me to believe it’s time to cancel the motherhumping subscription already and go back to reading Highlights for Kids.

9: Uncrustables eaten this week.

12: Times I’ve wondered if I was going to get scurvy for living off Uncrustables and edamame.

12: Times I’ve wondered if I really cared because then it meant that I could legitimately talk like a pirate.



55 thoughts on “Kind Of Like Richard Simmons But Without The Afro

  1. I used to sing Build Me up, Buttercup to my husband when we first started dating and after a few weeks he asked me what I was singing. I almost died. Then I immediately went about schooling him in music.

  2. BWAHAHHHHAAAA-I actually know some of those songs by heart (and really, is one of the Teen Death Lullabies “Teen Angel,” because if it isn’t, it sure should be).

    And I hate uncrustables because, well, eew, so I don’t know if you can like me anymore.

    BUT: I did sign up for the book pre-pre-ordering thing, so maybe that makes up for it.

  3. The pile of New Yorkers is the biggest “thing” in my apartment. It’s taller than my frickin’ floor lamp. Sadly, I have no problem blazing through my Us Weekly. Bring on the Boone’s Farm and the Bedazzler. I yam what I yam.

    1. Yeah. I heard about edamame. Not happy, Bob. And I think the calendar comes out in print. And I’m DYING to see it. Probably because they’ll humiliate me (why do I want to win?).

  4. 51: Number of times, this week, that I’ve informed my husband we need to move next door to you.

    And if you start talking like a pirate, that might just be what will convince him. So, who do I contact to make sure you are in constant supply of crack filled peanut butter sandwiches and edamame?

  5. You should totes hit up that bingo. The old people are so fun to play with, so long as you can get over the scent of stale coffee and urine. They might even slip you a quarter.

  6. The trick to suing your kids: after filing the lawsuit, settle out of court, and make them sign a contract that they will clean their rooms, or else you can send them to prison.

    These contracts are held up 75% of the time in court.

  7. Sadly, I am a firm believer that any subscriptions with the word “New York” in them MUST be canceled upon receiving a positive pregnancy test. This includes the New Yorker, New York Magazine and obviously. . the New York Times. Isn’t possible. . . must be replaced with US Weekly or People.

  8. When I did my calucations the other day – I came up with 72,073,071,747 times I’ve wondered if I’ve warped my twins. I’ve only got one up on you.

    But I’m really hooked on Mikey D’s comment that we can sue 75% is good odds!

  9. Becky –

    72,073,071,746: times I’ve wondered if that somehow warped him.

    See, I could have written that one but preceding one would have read…

    All 9 seasons: How many Married With Children Episodes did you watch with your male toddler?

    As to the rest of them; I’m you. Just older.

  10. 45 – degrees outside
    95 – number of times I’ve told my kids to shut the door
    412 – smiles on my kids’ faces because they’re finally playing outside again
    8675309 – Jenny’s phone number

    You’re welcome. 😉 Feel better soon, duder.

  11. I think your mention of Uncrustables again is your subtle way of telling me, one who love everything peanut butter, to just try it already. Point taken. It’s on my grocery list.

    And those publishers better get a clue or this Band of Merry Pranksters is going to turn violent!!

  12. OK, you’re starting to get to me with the Uncrustables talk. My oldest son likes PB sandwiches, no jelly. And I am a lazy bitch who doesn’t want to make them. Because they’re so hard to make, right? And then the PB gets on my fingers and pisses me off. How convenient it would be to have them already made, and crustless, no less!!

  13. My daughter hacked into my facebook account, and changed the language setting to Pirate. I thought that Facebook was fucking with me for at least a month. Finally, one day I said, “Is it pirate appreciation month or something?” She couldn’t quit giggling and the gig was up. I am so stupid sometimes.

  14. I *love* oldies! In fact, those are the only kind of songs I have ever purchased from iTunes, haha. Monkey’s favorite song when he was really little was “build me up (buttercup)” hehe! I have videos of him singing it, it’s too cute. And Boo’s favorite song is “I can’t help myself (sugar pie, honey bunch).” It drives Kent nuts though. Even better, right? 😉

  15. I SO wish I had something witty to say here, but I don’t. Just de-lurking because I’ve been reading for, oh, months now (to be exact, right), so I thought I should shuffle into the light and say hi. 🙂

    (And, I”ll totally stalk ..er, follow you on twitter and join your book list. Because you *should* have a book, preferably with those awesomely-textured covers like Vintage paperbacks have.)

  16. I feel you with the New Yorker. Sometimes it’s ten kinds of awesome, but sometimes it’s just a lot of EFFORT getting to the awesomeness, and if your brain is feeling more like “People,” it can be rough.

  17. Teenage Death Songs? Anything is better than “I’ve Never Been to Me” which resurfaced on the radio this week and is now cruelly haunting my every waking moment. talk about a song to incite murder. or suicide. or troubled sleep.

    other than that, all 80s, all the time!

    And yeah, give up on the smart subscriptions and succumn to Entertainment Weekly, makes the guilt go away for not having the time to read… come over to the dark superficial side!

  18. I voted.
    I love your musical tastes…and agree with the commenter that says Teen Angel needs to be one of the teen death songs.
    Feel better soon.
    “demon germ factories”…fucking LOVE it!
    Did you get the package I mailed you?

    1. I did! Which means that I emailed the wrong person. WHOOPS! I love it and I love you and I want to live close to you so you can crochet me everything and I can bribe you with baked goods.

  19. I have to say that based on one of your more recent posts, I went out and got me some Uncrustables and GAWD DAMN, those things are tasty! Thanks for turning me into an Uncrustables fiend! So far I’ve only tried the peanut butter and strawberry jelly but I can’t wait to try the other flavors. Thanks!

  20. You too? I got an enormous amount of shit from my friends because I listened to the oldies in high school.

    And was one of those songs The Leader of the Pack? That song made me want to wear a poodle skirt so effin bad!!

  21. OMG! I like totally love build me up buttercup – on the ipod. I have all 637 partridge family/david cassidy on the pod as well. probly did warp think kid singin “i think i love you”.

    I wanna move next door too! (and wear a poodle skirt :O)

  22. My girlfriend says I am not allowed to vote you a hot blogger because I already flirt with you enough already. I will have to wait until she sleeps.

    In the mean time, two things to share:
    1- my inappropriate lullaby: Barrett’s Privateers (lot’s of piratey “Goddamn them all”s)
    2- favourite teen death song: “Run Joey Run” by David Geddes. Dad gets angry and tries to shoot his daughter’s gilfriend. Girlfriend (pregnant) takes the bullet. The classic chorus: “Daddy please don’t, it wasn’t his fault, he meeeeans so much to me. Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get marriiiiiiiied…)

  23. Sorry I don’t think we have the same musical taste. However I could share a good band with you, if your lookin for some new music to mix up things a bit.

    Try Puddle of Mudd

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