One of my goals for the new year was to “spend some time living outside the computer, even though the real world is fast and scary and full of people who wear jeggings.” It seemed a bit loftier than “Not become Lil Wayne” (which I should add, is a resolution I’ve managed to keep for an entire month and a half now) and loads better for my self-esteem.

See, people are all, “bloggers are introverts who have no social skills and hate crowds of people,” which makes me all, “um, not so much.” Because while I may greet you for the first time by humping your leg while eating a hot dog, THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T HAVE SOCIAL SKILLS. In fact, I’d venture to say that it means I EXCEL at social skills. Just ask all the people who have restraining orders against me.

What can I say? I’m a friendly sorta person.

But when I dared to tell myself that I had to be more social, the Universe was all, “bwahahaha, sucker,” and threw me a wicked case of the flu. Two weeks and counting.

(and yes, Pranksters, I’d go to the doctor if I actually had something worth treating)

So when my good friend Dana showed up at my house unexpectedly, I was all, OMG A REAL PERSON IN MAH HOUSE. I ran around frantically to find a hot dog to eat while I humped her leg. It was pretty wicked to have someone over. Especially since I can now make people spend at least ten minutes oohing and aahing over my purple-flavored walls.

We sat and caught up for a couple of hours while Amelia performed tricks in front of her Auntie Dana like a good ickle show-dog. It was nice. I can’t remember the last time I spent any amount of time with someone who didn’t want to talk about work.

(what, me a workaholic?)

(you shut your whore mouth)

She also noticed how clean my house was, which made me all barrel-chested with pride. See, I like a clean house. Problem’s been that my husband works a kajillion hours a week and doesn’t seem to care one way or another whether the house looks like a shot out of a Hoarders episode or not. I’m not entirely convinced he’s not blind.

Plus, the three crotch parasites used to delight in pulling absolutely everything out and leaving it in one ginormous pile for me to break my toes on. I tried to keep up with the mess, but damns, it was hard.

Then a magical thing happened.

My children grew up. They got anal about house-cleaning. Dave started giving a shit about the house. The Guy on the Couch helped me clean.

And most importantly, I have been sticking to my other OTHER New Years Resolution – “one a day.”

I’ve been donating, dumping, and throwing away one thing every single day. It sounds really hard, right? Like, one thing a day for a year is a fuckton of shit to dump. I hate committing to things that take a year (mostly because I’m an impatient sea-hag).

You know what?

It’s been easier than I’d thought. I’ve managed to get rid of more than one thing each day, which means that my house becomes more manageable each and every day.

In the same way that it feels good to hear, “damn, you look like you lost weight” when you’ve been dieting, it felt amazaballs to hear “your house looks the best I’ve seen it,” from someone who knows you well.

(others might have been offended, but not me)

Now if only I could find a home for that stupid monogrammed embosser thing I’d bought (while probably drunk) that I’ll never use.

20 thoughts on “Keep On Rockin’ In The Real World

  1. i love that “one a day” idea..i think im gonna steal it and start with my husbands shit in the garage…at one a day..he will never notice…if he does, im blaming you

    btw..GO OUT, the ppl in jeggings are worth it

  2. I must really have missed out on something. Who *IS* the Guy on the Couch???

    But yay for families that help with cleaning. I wish mine could be a good example for me, so I could figure out how to do it.

    *glitter* for you!

  3. While I am definitely not a neat freak, I cannot stand to have things laying around that have no use. So, I tend to throw away or give away things too quickly. Later, when I need it, it can’t remember where I put it. My daughter will remind me that I gave it to the neighbor. Then I remind her, that if she doesn’t start being useful, I will probably give her away as well.

  4. My house is a continual wreck. When my friends say “oh! You cleaned!” It’s not in the “wow your house is clean” way, it’s more like “I can find a place to sit”.

    I don’t think I could do “one a day” because a local non-profit does an annual yard sale and I can donate it all at once. …Then again, I always forget some things. Maybe I should try it…

  5. Send your monogrammed embosser thingie-ma-jigg my way. I’ll put my firefighter boyfriends initials on EVERYTHING so he gets made fun of at the station 🙂 sounds fun right!?

  6. I love getting rid of stuff, so freeing. (Of course I married a hoarder and son has the tendency too.)

    Amanda make sure you monogram his cutie patootie nick name on his stuff too 😉 Being married to a FF I know how his buddies will love it (evil grin). HOURS of entertainment!

  7. Kudos to you for keeping up the get rid of shit New Year’s Resolution.

    The flu sucks balls. Hope you feel better soon.

    I’ll call and we can talk about whatever you want.

    Love you chica.

  8. Having a clean house feels so awesome. Cleaning, not so much. Whenever I do get the urge to clean (usually when I know people are coming over, ahem) I always promise myself I’ll keep it all gorgeous and organized.

    Of course the next time people come over I’m usually doing a mad cleaning dash so you can see how well I keep promises to myself.

  9. The funniest part of this story is when I took the picture of you, Daver and the guy who lives on your couch – all sitting side-by-side on your couch – with your noses leaving nose prints on your phones.

    And your house did look AMAZING!

    1. Awww FUCK! I just realized you know more than one Dana. Can I just pretend I wasn’t so self-righteous? I wondered about that “good friend” part 😉

  10. I really like the idea of tossing one thing a day. In my neighborhood you could throw a brick curbside and it will be gone in three minutes. Always like the reminder that one persons junk is another’s treasure.

    While you are trying to stick to your resolution not to become Lil’ Wayne, I am doing my damnedest to avoid getting a tattoo shaped like a barbed wire thong. This year can’t be over too soon!

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