Every other week when I was a kid, some kid brought their store-bought cuppity-cakes into school, beaming benevolently as we wished them a perfunctory “happy birthday” before diving face-first into the sugar. The poor teachers had the task of dealing with us after we’d gotten our sugar high on.

I tried to rise above it as a kid. To say, “it’s okay; the teachers like ME better because I don’t bring on the sugar high.” But it was a steaming pile of bullshit. Had I been given the chance, I’d have jumped to bring my very own sugared treats into the class, my classmates bowing before me, a queen doling out cake to her loyal subjects.

Thanks to my parents humping schedule, I was never given the opportunity.

Nope.

My birthday falls into the absolute middle of the summer abyss. July 15th. Pay day.

Every year, I’d throw parties, and about half the class would show up. The rest were too busy vacationing up in Detroit or whatever and unable to attend. This meant less loot for me. Plus, I felt like a loser. My parents should buy me a pony to make up for this.

And now that I’m an adult, I swore off the 15th as my “birthday,” opting to celebrate on the more refined sounding 28th. That pushes my birthday just far away enough from July 4th that I might actually stand a chance at throwing a party with real! live! guests! Plus, I made it official on The Facebook, which means that it’s really real, right?

Plus, July 15th is cursed. Some gigantor percentage of the last ten years has found me, on my birthday, in the ER or Urgent Care. Happy Birthday! You have a scratched cornea!

But try as I have to deny it, I can’t help but feel like tomorrow IS my birthday. Which means that I’m both terrified by what the day will bring and hopeful that it involves presents.

Which, now that I think about it, is how I feel every day.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

74 Responses to July 15th, I Can’t Quit You.

  • Suzie says:

    Happy Birthday!!! I too was cursed with a summer birthday. It’s NOT a summer birthday anymore according to school calendars, but when WE were kids, August 30th was RIGHT before school started. Literally 3 days before school started. You know, when parents are too broke to throw big parties because they just dropped hundreds on school supplies.

    I feel your pain so in light of that, here’s a virtual cuppity cake to celebrate the greatness that is summer break.

    http://annies-eats.com/2009/11/16/smores-cupcakes/

  • gorillabuns says:

    i hope you get a pony for your birthday. and sky writing, yea! sky writing lovely words of your awesomeness tomorrow!

    Happy Birthday!

  • Nicole says:

    I have the same gripe-August 15th birthday. It was usually hot as hell too and everyone was on their last summer trip before it was time to go back to school. Or you were forced to have a party with all of the other “summer birthday” kids. I was just mad because I couldn’t pick if we would play 4 corners or 7UP.

  • I feel your pain, Aunt Becky. July 1st is my b’day, and like you, I was always kinda bummed out that I wasn’t able to bring in cupcakes and stuff for the classmates. And being right before July 4th, there wasn’t ever a party for the kids in my class.

    But hey, from one Cancer to another, may your day tomorrow be filled with vodka, ponies, and lots and lots of hugs from the kids.

  • starle says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky!

    Both of my kids (leos) miss out too. Just think, if you had lived in England, you would have still been in school on the 15th!

    Would that have been worth it? lol

  • Lori says:

    My daughter’s school celebrates “half” birthdays for the kids who have summer birthdays. So 6 months from their actual birthday falls during the school year and they can bring in crap food to amp up all the kids.

  • Hockeymandad says:

    Yeah, same boat here. End of June for me which was ok when I lived in NY as a couple times that was the last day of school. Made for crappy party planning though. I took it out on my own children. Gave them July 4th and December 29th birthdays. Suck on that!

  • @wewon31 says:

    Stand down. December 23rd, enough said.

  • Dianne says:

    I am flying to hell tomorrow so I will wish you a happy birthday today!!!!

  • Did you just say “humping schedule?” I love you.

  • Tom
    Twitter: DiatribesAndOs
    says:

    I feel your pain! I, too, was born in the summer and, like you, I was much to smart to fall for that “half birthday” crap. Besides, I didn’t want to share my cupcakes with those “emos” anyway.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I say “let’s keep having them … it really beats the alternative”.

  • Tom
    Twitter: DiatribesAndOs
    says:

    I feel your pain! I, too, was born in the summer and, like you, I was much to smart to fall for that “half birthday” crap. Besides, I didn’t want to share my cupcakes with those “emos” anyway.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I say “let’s keep having them … it really beats the alternative”.

  • Dizzy says:

    Happy Birthday! You get a Harry Potter movie. I’m going to watch it at the stroke of midnight, to celebrate for you.

    Feel free to send me any cake you can’t save until the 28th. I love a good sugar high.

    I hope this year you can party somewhere other than the ER!

  • eirys says:

    I feel your pain,too.Only the opposite.My birthday in on Oct 25 so 1;I cant give out sweets, 2;its really cold so I cant do any fun outdoor activity’s, 3;most people are on holiday.I remember on my 7th b-day I invited about 7-10 people but only 4 came.

  • Sandee says:

    Happy Birthday, Aunt Becky! I hope you get back all the love you share with us!

  • Happy early birthday! I feel your pain! My birthday in July 20. Not only did I never get cupcakes at school & everyone was on vacation for my party but half the time my dad & brother were too busy with baseball for me to even have a party because BASEBALL IS MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT!

    *sigh* I’m almost 44 & I still resent Little League with ever diber of my being.

    My brother’s b-day is May 26 & he never got have a party either because it’s almost always part of Memorial Day weekend & everyone already has plans.

    Karma. HA!

  • gale says:

    I’m august 30 too, suzie!! my parents let me hold off and throw a massive haunted house/halloween party during elementary school, which was awesome. but it was always hard on my actual bday, and no one to celebrate with. Happy bday Aunt Becky :)

  • Tershbango says:

    Presents make the world go round.

  • Kailen says:

    My bitchy ex’s birthday is the 15th so if you feel the need to change it, I’d totally support you. Ha.

    My birthday is May 11th, and that was fine before college, but now, I have exams and then break maybe 3 days before my birthday. Actually, that’s pretty cool.

  • Joker_SATX says:

    I am not going to post it here. I just sent you a tweet that you should mark as favorite for tomorrow. Enjoy!

  • Vinobaby says:

    End of July sucks just as much as the middle. No cupcakes. All friends away at camp or relatives for the summer. Total bummer. But for me it gets much worse…my Hubby shares my birthday…and his brother…and my cousin…I will never have my own birthday celebration or even my own friggin cake again. I want to move mine too.

    Cheers & early B-day wishes to you…

  • Lauren Elyse says:

    My birthday is at the end of January. I have had exactly 1 birthday in my 26 years on this planet without snow. As a kid, this meant carefully planned birthday parties were routinely canceled due to weather. Also, I hate birthday cake and wanted ice cream cake… and it was fucking January and no one else thought this was a good idea. So I got stuck, every year, with some crappy cake thing that I didn’t eat.

    The moral of the story is birthdays suck and we should just throw parties whenever the fuck we want because we’re awesome. In fact, I’m gonna go plan one now. You’re invited – but you’ll have to trek out to NJ.

  • Angie H says:

    Happy birthday early! Will you be having cake and booze? If you have cake and booze as an adult EVERYONE will come to your party! If you need us to petition your irresponsible humping schedule parents to get you the pony, just say the word.

    People go to Detroit for vacation? Really?

  • Andie
    Twitter: lilmscreant
    says:

    August baby here, and the mother of another august baby who, for the past 7 years, has yet to have a truly successful birthday with friends, especially because by the time the second last week in august rolls around, she’s lost all her friends phone numbers. It sucks.

  • Andie
    Twitter: lilmscreant
    says:

    And happy Birthday!!

  • Andrea says:

    Hope you have a super happy birthday filled with cake, pixie stix (for maximum sugar capacity) and a pinata for good measure!!!! I am a late October/mandatory costume party birthday girl myself. Oh, and of course, I hope you get presents…lots and lots of presents with pretty bows!

  • Julie says:

    I can TOTALLY relate to this. My birthiversary was yesterday. Summer abyss indeed!

  • Wait – my birthday is July 18th (and I’m NOT do you hear me NOT about to turn 40) and summer birthdays RULE! You get to do cool pool stuff, throw water balloons, run around with sparklers, etc.

    My kids have spring/fall birthdays which means they are doomed to crappy indoor (insert: bowling, chuck e cheeze (SUCKS), community center basement) parties. I want to switch theirs for mine so they can spend their whole birthday eating grilled hotdogs, covered in melted ice cream, smelling of chlorine, and catching fireflies. Summer birthdays win!

  • Coleen says:

    Two words about my birthday: Christmas Day

    Everyone else gets presents on my birthday. People think I get twice the gifts, but it’s more like 1 1/2. Never got to pick what I wanted to eat on my birthday, and parties were usually sleepovers with my friends whose parents worked and needed someone to watch them during school vacation. w00t

    • Melissa says:

      Word! I am a Thanksgiving baby. It only falls on Thanksgiving every 6 years. But that doesnt deter my whole family from celebrating it then. And I HATE my mothers turkey. She is a wonderful cook, but when she roasts any kind of meat its like cardboard.

  • The Mommy says:

    Happy Birthday (tomorrow)! And if you were in school nowadays you would get to celebrate your “half” birthday on (wait, I have to count on my fingers…OK)January 15th! I think this is a bit over-the-top for not wanting kids to feel left out but then again all of my kids have birthdays during the school year.

  • Jenn says:

    I hear ya. My bday is 10 days after yours. Oh, and I also share it with my dad, which made for weird cakes and odd parties. So while all of my friends were on vacation – possibly in Detroit, or Cleveland – I was listening to my family try to sing “Happy Birthday dear Jennifer and Norm”. I hope your summer birthday is a good one this year!

  • Heli says:

    At least the sun is shining while you are avoiding your birthday! My birthday is December 29 (aka worst time to celebrate a birthday ever). Sandwiched between Christmas and New Years, nobody wants or needs another excuse to celebrate. In addition to that, the sun is hibernating which doesn’t help the mood. I’ll trade with you!

    P.S. Happy Birthday!

  • SharleneT.
    Twitter: SolarChief
    says:

    Stand by mailbox — Pony being sent. (Pony refused to walk all the way. You’ll have to retrain.) Birthdays come at the most inconvenient times. Mine was the first week of school. Never had a party. Got underwear — so did my brother and sisters, since it was the start of the school year and we all needed new clothes. Marked for life… Hate underwear… I’m getting better… Happy Birthday, July 15th Girl. I predict it will be awesome because you are and we will all show up at your house for the party… That will put it back in perspective for you… {{{HUGS}}}

  • SarahT says:

    Well, MY birthday is July 28th. But I will graciously share with you. As long as I get to choose the ice cream cake flavor.

  • marisa says:

    Happy Birthday!!
    My son is an August birthday (friday the 13th cuz that’s how I roll!!) And he has entered the glorious world of being shafted in school and hates it (and I guess me for popping him out on a sultry summer night)
    Funny though–my friends birthday is on July 28 and she thinks THAT day is cursed…with many disasters happening to her. I may just tell her to switch…
    Anyhow–have a great day with sparkles, glitter and rainbows!

  • Briar says:

    Happy Birthday! I’m the 20th and have the same problem. And Beckett is Aug 15 and NO ONE is coming to his birthday party. We are currently at 4 out of 25 invitees. I am freaking a little.

  • Ha! We’re the only two people I know who have changed their birthdays. I don’t even acknowledge my other one any more.

  • katrina says:

    Happy Freakin Unbirthday Becky! Awesome, you get to celebrate twice!! May your day be filled with sparkles and glitter and presents, of course. (I’d send you some cupcakes, but i don’t think they would retain their shape, coming from oregon to the heat!)

  • Jamie says:

    Yep, yep. My day is July 12th. No school treats, small parties (since everyone else actually went on vacation, while my family stayed home).

    Plus, my brother’s is the 18th, so our birthdays always go smooshed together. Sadness birthday.

  • melissa says:

    Happy Birthday! I have a July 2nd birthday. Never had a birthday party with the kids from school, always some July 4th family thing. My daughter is August 6th, so they now celebrate summer birthdays throughout the school year. I’m not sure she’ll ever get to feel left out like we did!

  • Maggie says:

    AB;

    If I didn’t love you before I feel a special kinship now – I was supposed to be due on July 15 – but I can’t stand being late so I arrived July 6. Birthdays suck that close to a holiday. In second grade my parents invited 13 girls to a pool party – A POOL PARTY! 2 showed up – everyone else was on vacation. :-(

    Sucked – to make it worse my Great Grandmother adopted July 4 as her birthday so every stinking year instead of a barbeque and fireworks I got to attend a formal dinner in a dress at a hotel – the only fireworks I ever saw until adulthood was sitting in the backseat of a car craning my neck sideways to see whatever was being shot into the sky between Oak Lawn IL and NW Indiana on the drive home.

    Holiday birthdays suck – ‘un’, ‘half’ and any other method for coping doesn’t really make up for it. The only way to cope is the knowledge that the holiday closest to your birthday is actually your pre/post celebration that the entire country/world has been invited to.

    You’re welcome now gimme my gift!

  • ScienceGeek says:

    Mine’s November 30, which is the perfect time for every business in the state to hold their Work Christmas Party. So not only can I never get a table at any sort of restaurant (guess who once booked a table for their birthday, only to be told they had to eat at the bar when they showed up?), but half my guests are off drinking copious amounts of booze on their boss’s credit card.

    I’ve also spent waaay to many birthdays in hospital. Mostly during my asthmatic childhood, but I managed to outdo myself with a fractured spine for my 22nd birthday.

    By the way, that whole scratched cornea thing? I did that a couple of weeks ago. HOLY GOD. There’s no NEED for a body to experience that much pain from one tiny little scratch. I’d expect to be missing a limb for that level of owch.

    P.S. Happy Unbirthday!

  • Alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    My birthday is December 2, so I can’t complain, but my aunt’s b’day was yesterday, July 13. Not only did she have to put up with the kid bullshit of no goodies for school and half the potential attendees being out of town when it’s time for your party, but she’s a freaking teacher, so the bullshit continues. Her principal takes over the class for half the day on each teacher’s birthday. If your birthday falls on a weekend or Xmas vacation, she accommodates the persson by making it the next school day. If your birthday is in the summer, tough shit. Staff members are required to contribute to a social fund. Part of the purpose of the fund is to celebrate birthdays. The honoree gets a cake and other snacks, which everyone gets to eat so that’s not such a big deal, but the b’day person also gets a gift card worth something like 25 bucks to a place they’d like. Summer b’day people are screwed again. She’s considering refusing to pay social committee dues just to make a statement. Bottom line: if you were born in the summer, DON’t be a teaacher.

  • Ewokmama
    Twitter: ewokmama
    says:

    I don’t have the mid-summer birthday thing going on, but man…do bad things happen on my birthday. I can’t recall what the problems were last year but the year before was awful – David lost his job and my brother was put in jail. Seriously, on my birthday. GRRRR.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!

  • Cristi Comes says:

    Happy Birthday! Hope there’s cake & lots of presents…lots and lots of presents. :)

  • Cristi Comes says:

    Happy Birthday Becky! Hope you get cake, a party and lots and lots and lots of presents.

  • Cristi Comes says:

    Happy Birthday Becky! Hope you get cake, a party and lots and lots and lots of presents.

  • CJ says:

    Happy Birthday!!!!

    I’ve always had the same problem. My birthday is July 30th and everyone always seemed to be at camp or on vacation. I always resentfully ate the cupcakes of other kids in my class because I could never bring them. Now every year on my birthday, when it’s inevitable hot as mother fucking balls, I just think of my poor mother and being hot as mother fucking balls PLUS nine months pregnant. Really, nobody wins.

  • Lisa says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky! Here’s hoping today is uneventful and just an all around great day!

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHORE!!!!!!

  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom
    says:

    Happy birthday! I’m July 2nd, so I feel your pain. Nowadays the kids with summer birthdays have a party at the end of the year AND bring cupcakes in June, but not in my day. It sucked donkey’s balls, though after I became a teacher it was always nice to have my birthday off, especially when I had a hangover to nurse. I hope you get a big fat whore cake and lots of presents. Happy real birthday!

  • Jonah Gibson says:

    Happy Birthday!

    You have ignored the fortuitous offset of a July 15 BD – you are a Moon Child.

  • KH says:

    Happy Birthday! Sort of? I have an early September birthday, so I always suffered from the whole back to school, not knowing how dynamics were going to shake out and who was and was not still my friend when it was time to send out invitations.

    I seriously empathize on the injuries, especially today b/c I fell down my front steps, scraped up my legs, cracked a toe nail and basically lost my dignity. Ouch.

  • AuntieEmBabes says:

    Happy Birthday hot stuff! July Birthdays are the best (9th!) I never got to bring the sugar at school either, but I got to have pool parties in the summer. (now margarita/pina colada parties)

  • Bobbi says:

    September 9th. Always had to have my party on Labor Day before everyone left their camps and went home. And all I ever got were back to school clothes. One year I got a bike that I was able to ride for about 2 months before the snow started. My brothers were born n January. They got f-ing snow mobiles for presents one year.

  • Carrie says:

    I was born December 8. Just close enough to both Thanskgiving and Christmas for everyone to be busy doing other things. And if I did have a party, it was Christmas themed. In college, many years, I would make birthday celebration plans with my family only to show up for Thanksgiving dinner and find out–surprise!–that since my sister couldn’t make it to the things I actually wanted to do, she had gotten me cake to add to the dessert table and I could open gifts after the big meal. Now, since I live out of state, and am not home for my b-day, we celebrate my “fake birthday” the day after Thanksgiving. I highly recommend claiming a better date to celebrate oneself.
    To her credit, my mom didn’t put up Christmas decorations till after my birthday. And the cash I got for the big day meant I had money to spend on Christmas gifts, or to combine with Christmas-gift money from the grandparents to get something fabulous, like a Barbie dream house (which rocked, even if there was no reasonable way for Barbie et al. to get to the second floor since the “dream” house was sans stairs.)

  • Jenn3128 says:

    Happy Birthday Aunt Becky! My birthday is in March, right during spring break, I didn’t get sugar treats to give out to classmates either. I do enjoy it now though!

  • Johi says:

    I totally wrote you a birthday poem on here and when I clicked “hit me, yo”, your comment box yelled at me to slow down! or some business. Now my poem is gone forever.
    I’ll just say Happy Birthday and move along.
    P.S. Stay out of the ER.

  • Sarah P says:

    Happy day! Er, not-day? Happy un-non-Birthday!

  • Karin says:

    Happy birthday, Aunt Becky! Have another drink!

  • Sarah says:

    Happy birthday!

    I’ve got a crap birthday, too: October 30. When I was in school, it was always a combination Halloween/Sarah’s birthday party. And did you know they have Halloween-themed birthday cards? It’s fact. And also bullshit.

    As a kid, who’s going to get excited about your Oct. 30 birthday when they’re dressing up and getting a fuck ton of CANDY the next day?

  • Every morning I wake up thinking this’ll be the day I’m no longer amused by usage of the “can’t quit you line.” And every day, I’m proven wrong.

  • Christa says:

    Happy Birthday! See how I waited a day so it would be true? Hope you don’t eat a poison grape or fall in an abandoned well!

    I can relate. I dread the entire month of April. It’s not just one day. It’s an entire cursed month!

  • Pingback: Vanilla Bean Cake Recipe, Especially for Aunt Becky « Celebration Generation: Absolutely Hardcore… Lifestyle Blog!

  • MamaRobinJ says:

    My birthday is Dec. 21. Which S.U.C.K.S.

    A few years ago I told my husband I’d had enough and my birthday was now May 21. He totally went for it and took me out for dinner and got me presents. We did that for a few years until the kid came along and then we sort of forgot about it. Still, definitely one of my best ideas.

  • Becky says:

    Happy Belated Birthday I would have wished it sooner but I was stuck in some podunk town in Ohio for my kids Pom Pom competition hey at least her team took second place. I do have to throw this out there though as a lifer of the Mitten particularly the Detroit area you are aware people don’t actually vacation here right? Were kinda known for crime or something.

  • Katherine says:

    We share a birthday, sister-girl.

    I like my summer birthday. Less pressure, in my opinion. And it is about a half-year from Christmas, so I had six months, give or take on either side to figure out what I wanted for the next holiday.

  • I can relate to this. My sweet darling boy’s birthday is August 7th. When he was in day care it wasn’t so bad, as he had plently of friends there I could party with, and of course now, I would be in less trouble if I brought actual crystal meth into the classroom as opposed to a cupcake.

    What I do with DB now is that either Hubman or I takes him on a trip with a stay at a really nice hotel. (DB prefers 3 star, with 300 thread count sheets, a pillow menu and a breakfast buffet.

    Its actually less work and more fun than having a dozen screaming sugared up 10 and 11 year old boys in my house, so thankfully he loves the travel.

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