hello-kitty-wineWhen I found out that Hello Kitty was launching a line of wines, I was thrilled. Partially because I love everything Hello Kitty, but mostly because it means that I no longer have to shell out for juice. Because juice boxes are for pussies. And my babies aren’t pussies.

They’re not so much into hard liquor or meth, but my babies do like their wine. And wine with whimsical cartoon kitties is a win for us all. Why, it’s practically begging for my children to chug it!

I know, you’re not supposed to give babies booze until they’re at least 12, but they like it! I swear! Plus, it makes them sleepy, and when they’re sleepy, Aunt Becky is very, very happy. Because then I can drink more of that silly kitty wine without my crotch parasites crawling around at my feet, asking me to do shit for them like give them them more of Momma’s wine or help them with their dumb homework.

Like I tell them, what the fuck good has homework ever REALLY done for anyone anyway?

And I read some article in some medical magazine or heard it on Maury or some shit that wine is good for the heart. I want my babies to have strong hearts, so I make sure that I give them wine with every meal. It’s HEALTHY and shit. Especially because then they shut the fuck up for once and I don’t have to listen to them babble on and on and on.

I swear, no one told me kids were so fucking loud or I would have gotten some fucking muzzles from the hospital. Duct tape just doesn’t work as well.

So I’m serving Hello Kitty wine at every birthday party and if all those fucking crotch monkeys that my kids invite don’t like it, well, they can have some of the bourbon.

But not the good shit, like Old Crow because that’s reserved for me.

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104 thoughts on “Juice Boxes Are For Pussies

      1. One of my cousins has a Hello Kitty vibrator. The fact that I know that makes me want to drink lots and lots of Hello Kitty wine to blot out any possible mental image of said cousin using a Hello Kitty vibrator. You know, because I like to stay on theme…

        1. I love my Hello Kitty toy…..it was a christmas present from my other cousin! I am so wanting Hello Kitty wine for my B.day!

  1. The charm is actually meant to be sucked on after drinking. It’s lemon-flavored but full of lead, and you need lead in your blood for transporting air to your organs or something!

  2. I am actually more disturbed the Hello Kitty is making wine. The horror of a gaggle of drunk catgirls is not something I would like to see…

    But yay for an alternative to juice boxes…those things are evil especially when the tot in question doesn’t quite have the hand-eye coordination to insert the straw and doesn’t want any help…

    1. When I first read Aunt Becky w/ the crotch parasites, I totally thought she meant crabs. Now, it makes me giggle to think I called my kids “bug” long before I heard crotch parasite.

  3. I can’t believe what a terrible mother you are! If you cared about them, you’d give your kids the good stuff . . . #justsayin

    K

  4. Classic LOVE it. The Hello Kitty Vibrator does have me a little scared but hey whatever floats your boat and works for you. Now I must go order the Hello Kitty wine for my children they are making Mommy’s migraine worse.

  5. WHERE IS THE MOTHER HUMPING SHARE BUTTON?! OK I found it. It’s hard to see whilst laughing so hard tears are streaming down yo face.

  6. FINALLY! I knew one day it would happen! My parenting style has been validated. I mean if Aunt Becky boozes up her kids then my 15 years of doing the same will surly be applauded!

  7. The wine obviously made my first comment go “poof!”

    This is the.fucking.best April Fools post I’ve seen today!

    Howling with laughter!

  8. You know how I know this is an April Fool’s post? You said that you’re supposed to wait until the crotch parasites are 12 before introducing liquor. Duh! It’s 2. Some people. Thank god it’s April 1st. Could you imagine all the poor parents that read this and think they have to wait 10 more years to give their kids booze?!

  9. Wine for little ones? I think that is the most horrible thing I have ever heard! I am shocked and appalled.
    Why, everyone knows if you want to calm them down, just blow pot smoke in their faces. Duh! :p

  10. (Insert long winded comment full of outrage about how it’s not okay to talk about giving kids Hello Kitty wine because someone’s aunt’s cousin’s brother’s father’s uncle went to prison for selling special brownies in Hello Kitty lunch sacks to old ladies in the courtyard of a nursing home. Since clearly, these things are related. And there is much outrage!)

    P.S. ~ Hilarious!

  11. And I thought I was the only one who did that with her kids when they were coming along! Great minds and…wait, were you kidding? OH, so was I. LOL

  12. This is seriously awesome. “Juice boxes are for pussies” is quite a catchy slogan. It should totally be on a t-shirt. Or a bumper sticker.

  13. Ah, and all along, i’d been thinking that those tiny airplane bottles were the only kid-friendly hooch.
    Thanks, Aunt Becky! Now I know what to serve with twinkies! 😉

  14. Mea has a special “crystal” goblet styled sippy cup. I always put her wine in there.

    Juice boxes are the devil, unless you have a juice box holder. Prevents squeezing of juice all over carpet, furniture, oneself, and/or family member. Best invention ever. Besides Hello Kitty Wine, of course.

  15. Do you think they make those little sippy cup lids for a bottle that sized? I mean we all know how when you squeeze the juice box a little fucking juice goes squirting everywhere. (Plus I’ve noticed that this only happens with dark juice)So the least the wine makers could do was give us a little spill proof sippy cup top.. cuz otherwise your little parasites will be spilling that shit all over and that’s a waste of good wine. Ok, well maybe not good wine, but still it’s wine damnit!

    1. Oh, hell to the no. This cougar says no Hello Kitty wine, ever. Besides, since I don’t have crotch monkeys, I don’t need to calm them down. I can save all my money for the good stuff. Which is vodka.

  16. Please tell me this isn’t an April Fool’s joke and that you do share your ‘grape’ juice with the little bairn… I HATE those juice boxes!!! They’re always spewing out juice when barely touched. Whose idea was that, anyway? You rock, girl.

  17. Hello Kitty is totally Krusty the Clown. She puts her name on everything! Toasters, coffee makers, rice makers, cars. She’s kind of a ho. But I do love her!

  18. Oooh…Hello Kitty wine, made of awesome! All we need now is Hello Kitty tylenol to help with those before school hang-overs. Or maybe Hello Kitty Bloody Marys to give them “hair of the dog” remedies…

  19. OMG- hilarious! You must have been a chuggin some of the pretty kitty wine when you wrote this post lady!! Drink up!!
    NOT drinking wine is for pussies!!! Oh- and go rancher mom! woo hoo!

  20. As your would say: Thank the Good Lord of Butter for this post. It made my other craptastic day awesome. Plus, I vote for Juice Boxes are For Pussys on a tshirt too. I would totally buy that. And wear it to be nephews baptism.

  21. It works even better when you spike it with some xanax. Just sayin.

    Also, juice BAGS are bullshit. I am 42 years old and I cant keep from squirting juice all over the place with those things. Plus I have to get my nephew to put the damn straw in, when I take it back, SQUIRT right on my shirt. Do you think he may be setting me up?

  22. Wow. What does it say about all of us that a) my first thought upon reading this was about the Hello Kitty vibrator, b) that I’m not the first one to think of that immediately, and c) that as I read it I was thinking yep, uh huh, good plan, keep ’em sleepy, more wine for Mom, yep…?

    Oh, remember that time we were talking about Hello Kitty wine? Good times, good times…

  23. Also: based on the cork, I thought “hey, it’s Hello Kitty champagne!”. And indeed, I see that it is sparkling rose (brut). Because of course, what other kind of wine would bear the Hello Kitty label than a wine that is pink, with bubbles?

  24. I’m glad they came out with a Hello Kitty intoxicant. The My Melody Meth was starting to make my teeth hurt.

  25. True story – my grandmother used to put a poppy concoction in her youngest kids’ bottles. To help them stay quiet and fall asleep.

    Man, the old country. That’s where it’s at.

  26. Ha! I have a few friends that are obsessed with the Kitty. I don’t really understand it but hey whatevs. I posted on your FB wall-I know how much you love Mark Suckerberg. I think you need to put “Full of The Awesome” on a tee. I would buy them in bulk 🙂

  27. I’m a couple of days late…but best freaking April Fools post ever!!! I’m kinda diggin the vino=sleepy children thing. It sure beats that menthol flavored NyQuil shtuff I used to get during summer break everyday after lunch during visits with grandmother.

  28. This is going to completely revolutionize my parenting strategy.

    Actually, I have a fun story – my parents gave me beer from a very young age. I was a toddler, I’d toddle up to my dad & ask for a sip. After a few sips, he’d say “that’s enough” and that was it.

    Well, there was one day that my dad, my uncle, and my dad’s best friend were all over at the house, putting up drywall or some bullshit “can’t do it by yourself task”. They were drinking beer (because, really, why the fuck would you go to somebody’s house to do a chore unless there was alcohol involved?) and I did my thing – walk to dad, get a sip. Walk to Uncle Chip, get a sip. Walk to “Uncle” Bill, get a sip…rinse, lather repeat. My dad and Chip came to the thought that “maybe we should stop giving him sips” right after Bill did – only, they didn’t realize that I was making my rounds.

    I blame that incident for who I am today 😉

  29. I peed a little bit laughing. You suck. Who will clean the pee up? Not the boyfriend, he is playing a video game. Why am I not playing? Hmmm. Something to think about while The Pee gets cold.
    P.s. I’m pregnant. I can totally sit in pee soaked pants for awhile. But I will not throw them in any of your ball pits.

  30. I collect all things Hello Kitty (even have a big hello kitty tattoo on my arm) and my soon-to be sister in law gave me a bottle of this at my wedding!! I didnt get the charm though. 🙁 Oh well guess that means Im off to buy another bottle!! :o)

  31. OMG I am a Hello Kitty and a wine fanatic and I’m trying to figure out how I did not know about this! I must get some! 😀

    And you aren’t the first person who has toyed with the idea of giving the kidlets a drink or two, my husband’s Mammaw used to give him and his brother Jack Daniels to help them sleep when they were little O___o.

    Happy April Fools Day!

  32. I was almost all the way through the comments before I realized this was last year’s post! LOL! I’m a dork.

    I was thinking to myself 90+ comments and no trolls? What the hell?

    1. Yeah, I wondered why there were comments dated April 3rd and April 4th. :-p Definitely funny! We had a bottle of that stuff a while back. I think I do have the Hello Kitty charm around here somewhere.

  33. So how does it taste? Do we know? Do we care? *hic*

    Oh, I’m supposed to be outraged that you’re giving your kiddos wine huh? Dammit Becky! Be more responsible and stop April Fooling me!

  34. Do you think they’ll make Disney Princess wine? I’m not the biggest Hello Kitty fan but I know me and my 18 month old could really get behind some Cinderella or Little Mermaid wine.

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