I randomly wage war on celebrities in the same way that I marry them. Anonymously. Because, who the fuck am I?

It’s mostly on The Twitter, or randomly to people that I happen to be chatting with, and it’s one of those things that you either find endlessly endearing or endlessly annoying, and frankly, it don’t matter none, because I’m not changing. Like my hatred of Angelina Jolie. It burns, even though I’ve tried to overlook it, while I’ve gazed upon her pillowy, do-good, sanctimonious cheating whore lips, I simply can’t.

It’s the same way I’ve pledged to love, honor and repay Dexter Morgan, the murderous fictional antihero television character, for the rest of my life. We’re getting married even though he’s a fake person. It seems easier than having a real husband, you know?

Last night, in a fit of rage, I Tweeted about how John C. Mayer was bullshit. Because he is. You know why? I’LL TELL YOU.

I had to listen to that fucking, “Your Body is a Wonderland,” song for years on the radio and I am telling you that it is one of the worst, most annoying songs I have ever heard in my entire life. You know what’s a wonderland? BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE WHO WROTE SUCH A WHINY PIECE OF DOUCHE ROCK. Like John C. Mayer!

*bam* *thwack* Whose body is a wonderland now, bitch?

Every girl I knew was all, “oh my GOD that song is soo….amazing. It’s like he just…read my mind! I love John C. Mayer and want to make babies with him! They’ll be sensitive babies, like John C. Mayer!!!!” Then, they’d cry.

And then my head exploded into a pulpy mass because that song is so fucking stupid.

My hatred was mighty.

Then, I was watching the Dave Chapelle show, and who should appear, but John C. Mayer himself. And…John C. Mayer, he was funny.

Pranksters, I don’t need to tell you that this enraged me further. I don’t think that someone who writes, like John C. Mayer did: “One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue, uh uh uh,” is allowed to be funny.

But I let it go as a fluke. Dave Chappelle drugged him. That was the only explanation I could think of that made any sense. Or maybe it was osmosis–particles of funny went from an area of higher concentration (Dave Chappelle) to an area of lower concentration (John C. Mayer). Either way, I put it out of my head.

And when “Heart of Life” came out and I heard it for the first time, I had to download it in super-stealthy secret mode. How could I possibly tell the world that I liked a song that had been written by someone who I’d called “as horrible as mayonnaise?”

Simply put, I couldn’t.

The icing on the John C. Mayer cake came when I finally ate my piece of humble pie and signed up for a Twitter account. I’d been mocking Twitter as the most worthless, narcissistic thing since blogging for months. I mean, I cried, how could anyone really want to know when I went to Target? Was I supposed to say things like, “I have to take a shit, PLZ RT?”

It was probably a full year before I realized that certain celebrities also had Twitter accounts. Despite my aforementioned Television Husbands, I don’t actually follow many celebrities, mostly because I’m not a starfucker, but at some point, it came to my attention that John C. Mayer had a Twitter account.

A-ha! I cried. Victory will be MINE!

Most of the celeb accounts are pretty vanilla OR they show that the star is a blithering moron, and this, I was sure, would show me that John C. Mayer had bad grammar! John C. Mayer must spell “a lot” as “alot.” Then I could go back to feeling smugly superior about how much better I was than John C. Mayer and all would be right with the world.

Then, the unthinkable happened. My world came crashing down around me. I read John C. Mayer’s Twitter page. And JOHN C. MAYER WAS WITTY.

I could hardly tolerate the humiliation of knowing that my fake archenemy John C. Mayer was smart. And funny. And motherfucking witty.

It wasn’t fair! I wailed, that someone so douchy could be so fucking witty. But there it was, in 140 characters or less. John C. Mayer. Witty. Funny. Pithy. Smart.

John C. Mayer was someone I could see myself being friends with.

But last night, I went on a Twitter Rampage:

I routinely go through and block celebrities who won’t know or care that I block them because really, why the fuck not? I block and reblock Justin Beaver constantly.

Pants are totally overrated. Like condiments. And John C. Mayer.

Well, karma is a motherfucker. Not only did my server die, then, this morning, John C. Mayer broke my car. The TRANSMISSION on my car.

So, John C. Mayer, I’m sorry. I think you’re fantastically witty and terribly funny and it pains me to say that I’d love to be friends with you.

Even if that song sucks fucking ass.


And then? There’s this (I didn’t get this today, though, because John C. Mayer still hates me), in response to the blogger who stole all those posts from people, including my Mother’s Day post.

So that? Is proof that sometimes you do win.

Even when you piss off John C. Mayer.

165 thoughts on “John C. Mayer Totally Hates Me

  1. You have had many internet-related victories. Did JCM ever tweet you? I hate hate hate hate hate his music but in person? He’s tall and dreamy. (please punch me in the face.)

      1. I should totally have phrased it differently…I’ll trade you for my kids!! I get you..instead of my kids πŸ˜‰ Sounds fair to me. I have a huge liquor cabinet!

  2. I agree completely that John Mayer place douche rock. It sucks. I will admit I bought his CD just to listen to the crappiness.
    my car is already in the shop, so hopefully karma won’t come get me.
    plagiarize and die. (motto to live by) you can plagiarize that by the way πŸ˜‰

  3. Oh, Aunt Becky, I do love you! I am one of those people who wants to hate John C. Mayer too, because he does exhibit the behavior of a royal fuckstick, but I love his music, I really do! It’s an unfortunate conundrum. Or something along those lines…

  4. Hurray for important victories! Even if John Mayer is ruining the rest of your life!

    (I also hate that song. And every time my daughter hears John Mayer on the radio, she says “It’s John Mayer!” I don’t know where she gets this from, as I do not listen to him.)

  5. back in the day john mayer had a mtv show where he was genuinly funny and witty, then people started wooing over him and he turned all douchy, and then he started talking shit about all the great sex he was having.. which is probably a good thing since now he’ll never have sex again… yeah so he should probably keep bashing sex, cause he’ll need those memories and his ‘body is a wonderland’ song to be able to romance himself in the future… lol
    you know… you did help make it to where he HAD to delete his twitter account!! he had to many haters… he whined all the fukin time that people hated him… waahhh.. write a song about it… lol πŸ˜‰

      1. lol well he was funniest back then when he was innocent and cute… 2004 on VH1 called ‘john mayer has a tv show’ genuinly funny… i used to watch…. he is funny he’s just funny/witty turned douch… like most men πŸ˜‰ lol

  6. I don’t believe I have ever listened to a Mayer song. I haven’t had the radio tuned to…well…tunes in well over 4 years….and well…we don’t have cable….so I may have to do some groovesharking into what all the hub bub is about this guy.
    …and no…I’m not terribly old…
    ..just a hermit.

    1. It sounds more official when you call him John C. Mayer. Because that’s John C. Mayer’s name.

      And it’s killing me not to say mean things about the “C” so I’m going to say the C stands for Cletus.

  7. I have to wonder how much *he* hates himself for that song. I mean, did he know that that song about bubble gum lips and frolicking in the sheets would come to identify him to such a degree? I bet he wants to punt his radio every time it comes on. Maybe. Maybe he actually finds it funny that we are all still subjected to it on soft rock/pop stations across the country. Maybe he’s just *that* witty. Also, Angelina is a whore, whore, cheating whore… with a body I’m certain she bargained with the devil for.

  8. Oh that song. That song. Given that images are supposed to, I don’t know, EVOKE – the only images I get is some creeper eating a chick made out of Halloween candy. NOT. HOT.

  9. Ha!! I totally hated that creepy, shitty song even before I knew it was inspired by Jennifer Love Hewitt. (Whom I didn’t really care for anyway, but that song made me dislike her even more for inspiring such douchiness!)
    Then I found out JCM smoked the ganj, I figured he couldn’t be *that* bad…and after his solo performance of “Human Nature” at the Michael Jackson Memorial literally gave me chills, we’ve been homies ever since!

  10. And this is one of the things that I absolutely love about you — you and your celebrities (among other things. Because obviously.).

    But damn John for ruining your transmission. And for being witty (that Chappelle Show episode was hysterical. I loved that show.).

  11. i can’t hate john mayer. because he’s actually super funny.

    however, now i may have to cave in and get a twitter account so i can, like, tweet and shit. and stalk celebrities. and stalk aunt motherfucking becky.

  12. What I love about John C. Mayer is he says witty, douching things knowing that it is witty and douchy. that is awesome. Also, I love that you block celebritites. that is totally something my husband would do.

    1. It gives me a sick sense of power to know that an anonymous POS like myself can block celebrities, like my friend John C. Mayer, who will never notice that I am blocking them. Sorry I blocked you, John C. Mayer. I’m pretty sure that’s why you left Twitter.

  13. My enjoyment of John Mayer is a roller coaster, picking various songs and then crashing with others. Yes, I love the one with Taylor Swift and I’m just going to pretend it’s because I love Taylor Swift. I listen to it only to hear the few lyrics she has. This only.

    Though I will say I don’t think he’s attractive, really. I dunno, his face screams plastic baby doll to me. >.>

  14. the c stands for clayton.

    this post makes me laugh. i read your tweets last night & i was like “wth(eck)?!” i like john mayer. i know he’s had a bad rep. & probably has std’s. but i just like him. hahaha! i had him on twitter, also. and i liked his tweets because it feel like he was an actual human with feelings & not an ignorant/arrogant jerk, ya know? so.. i’m glad you like him.. even though, you don’t like the song. btw, i just saw him in concert a few weeks ago & my love for him has increased!

  15. OMFG I hate John Mayer – Rob Thomas – all the whiney man music boys begining and ending with the King of Whiners – Neil Young. Yeah, I said that shit. Neil Young is a WHINER. I hate also that John Mayer is funny…I have seen him do some funny bits on MTV where he even makes fun of himself.

    But I wish he would steal Angelina Jolie from Brad Pitt so Jennifer would move on already! Blah.

  16. John Mayer is funny. He used to have his own show on VH1. I still laugh at the bit where he dressed up in a bear suit and hung out in the parking lot before one of his concerts and talked to his fans. His fans had no idea that the guy in the bear suit was John Mayer.
    Maybe he quit Twitter so he could bring back his show. We can only hope.

      1. Apparently in his tour with Taylor Swift, they would pull up in an ice cream truck and pass out ice cream to the tailgaters – Taylor driving, John giving out the treats.

  17. omg… I HATE ANGELINA JOLIE TOO!!!! With her horrible little anorexic arms and husband-stealing lips and do-gooder superiority complex. A few days (weeks?) ago there was an article on the trashy celeb news sites that I’m addicted to quoting her as saying that she didn’t have any friends other than Brad. All I could think of was that episode of The Office where a young Michael Scott said that when he grew up he wanted to have 100 kids so that he would have 100 friends? Looks like she might adhere to that philosophy.


      *wipes eyes*

      Angelina Jolie and her zombie arms make me want to force feed her some vitamins.

      And if John C. Mayer could maybe smack her with a fat mushroom print, I’d be really happy.

      1. I would NEVER agree with these wicked comments about Angelina Jolie because I cannot imagine the Karma Smackdown that would ensue from dogging an adoptive mother of orphans, and advocate of the poor and downtrodden. (Even if she is a husband-stealing, black widowy whore.)

  18. I have to say, the celebrity blocking rampage you went on a few nights ago (a week ago? gah, newborns make me lose all sense of time…) was hi-fucking-larious. I was constantly refreshing twitter to see who you’d block next. Thanks for bringing some hilarity to my house for an evening.

  19. I go one step beyond blocking celebrities. I simply don’t know they exist.

    I don’t know who John C Meyer is, never heard of him before this post & am not going to google him to find out since I’ll take your word for it he is a douche. I don’t know who Justin Bieber is either, though I see his name mentioned often as someone who everyone knows who he is. I’m not going to google him either. Because then I’d lose my lack of knowledge about him. You can’t unlearn something and I think, really really think, that I am better off not knowing who they are and why they are famous.

    Case in point, I know who Angelina Jolie is, and my life is no better for it.

    1. I’m shocked you don’t know who John C. Mayer is. You should see his bit on Dave Chappelle, because it was fucking hilarious. I’m remiss to admit that John C. Mayer is fucking hilarious. It hurt me to type that John C. Mayer isn’t as…awful as mayonnaise.

  20. Why is it when you use a middle initial, that person sounds way more impressive? Like William H. Macy or John C. Reilly. Names that make me think these are guys who know their shit and like to drink tea with their little fingers out. Maybe they do. I don’t know. But that’s what I picture when someone uses their middle initial.

    – Becky L. Mochaface

  21. I am thinking that now, even though I said I would never do it, I am going to have to get a twitter account. Just so I can block people, cause that sounds like so much fun! And have yet another way to not clean my house!!!
    So, YAY!

  22. so maybe the dude is witty or whatever, but that doesn’t make him a decent musician. I seem to be the only vagina on the planet that thinks Mr Mayer sucks monkey ass. WHY? he seems like a douchcanoe to me.

    also: “her pillowy, do-good, sanctimonious cheating whore lips, I simply can’t.” BEST. description of the Angelina I’ve ever heard.

      1. Aunt Becky, you have it all wrong. You need frame this thought the right way… To you, John C. Mayer is what we lovingly refer to as a CB – a clitoris breaker! Meaning that you would rather break off your clitoris and throw it out the window than have The Sex with him.

  23. Ah, see, now, I’m completely with you on Angelina Jolie and her pillowy whore lips [genius, by the way], but, I must confess, I have a secret yen for John C. Mayer. And it’s because of Chappelle show [does Dave know what he unleased?]. Also, he seems like he’d be a dirty guy, down for anything, and I have to admit, it’s a quality I look for.

  24. Dude, I’m totally with you on this one. I can’t stand Angelina Jolie. I have dreams about a cement truck full of squished up Big Macs being poured onto her filthy ho-ish home wrecking head. Also, I refuse to believe John Mayer is not a douche.

  25. This line β€œOne pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue, uh uh uh,” cracked me up big time because I had this teacher in college that (I SWEAR) had a bubble gum pink tongue. I totally wanted to french her to that song.

  26. I despite John C. Mayer. I hear his music and practically have aneurysms of hate. And do you know what I recently saw that made me want to vomit? Pictures of John C. Mayer’s splendidly decorated home in Elle Decor. It was infuriating. How can he be witty (as you say) and have a tasteful elegant home (as I say) and be such a huge douche? Well, if anything, this is just another reason for me to adore you. I’ll try to send good karma your way — if I have any to spare. Which is doubtful

    1. See, I couldn’t recognize a well-decorated home if it bit me in the butthole, but I do know wit, and those two things combined make me pretty Furious George. But, when I tell you something about John C. Mayer tomorrow, you will laugh. Because someone in the John C. Mayer camp is about to have an aneurysm.

  27. I despite John C. Mayer. I hear his music and practically have aneurysms of hate. And do you know what I recently saw that made me want to vomit? Pictures of John C. Mayer’s splendidly decorated home in Elle Decor. It was infuriating. How can he be witty (as you say) and have a tasteful elegant home (as I say) and be such a huge douche? Well, if anything, this is just another reason for me to adore you. I’ll try to send good karma your way — if I have any to spare. Which is doubtful.

  28. I went to high school with John Mayer. He was a buttmunch, and that’s a term I reserve only for him.

    Also? He stole $30 from my friend’s purse at a party because she wouldn’t let him smoke a joint in her living room.


  29. I’ll admit it – I had his VERY FIRST ep, as in the one that no one knew about called ‘Inside Wants Out.’ But then the world had to ruin it for me by a) playing his No Such Thing song every fucking minute and b) allowing him to write the dumbest song ever about MY BODY being a WONDERLAND.

    And that? Is when I started hating him.
    Also, I’m with you on that homewrecker.

    1. I’m sorry that I don’t know that John C. Mayer song, so as much as I want to join you in the hatred of that John C. Mayer song, I cannot.

      Besides, I think John C. Mayer is watching my house. Probably about to kill my cats.

  30. You crack me up. I love that you have a hatemail folder. Yay, for getting that crackwhore copycatter booted off the interwebs.

    Sorry you had to put on pants for the tow truck man, I know how you loathe them. I’m sure you are probably right, it was that John C. Mayer’s fault, wherever he is.

  31. SA-WEET! I didn’t know you could block people even! Does it tell them when they get blocked because that would be like… the icing on the muthafawking CAKE. If not, then I guess it would only be therapeutic in my head. Which I could probably use that anyway.

    So, yeah, now you are a closet JCM lover, eh? Maybe he will write you a love ballad where no one wears pants and vodka abounds?

  32. Sorry Aunt Becky, but he’s sheer awesome. Except for his douchearific whiny girlfriend Jennifer Aniston. Can you take her down? She’s probably why he quit Twitter. Oh wait, then you might like her more πŸ˜‰

  33. I think all of your star loathing is partly due to the 5 degrees of Jennifer Aniston and perhaps in some ass backwards way this and all your current money sucking maladies can be blamed on Jennifer.

  34. So my husband and I just started watching Dexter. We hate TV and only watch things when we can sit and watch 20+ hours at a time in one weekend, HELLO NETFLIX. I have been having dreams about Dexter for DAYS! I wake up and I am like, HOLY SHIT, BATMAN, I need a cold shower. Sometimes while we’re watching it I’ll tell the Hub, “I’m going to experience THAT tonight.” He thinks I am nuts. I think I might be nuts that I’m so turned on by a fictional serial killer. At least I know I am not alone now.

    As for John Mayor and Angelina you’re not alone either. She’s a whore, no matter how much good she does and he’s a douche, even if he is witty and comedic.

  35. Ok, so I sometimes quote John C. Mayer directly, from the line he stated on that MTV show. “There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who say they like Journey, and LIARS.” Very witty.

    Also, he made a goup of teenage girls believe that Richard Marx writes all the songs. All of the songs in the world.

    I would have a beer with him. But I would be in charge of the jukebox.

  36. Gah!! John C. Mayer is a MAJOR douchenozzle. I’m pretty sure Justin Bieber is a teenage clone of John C. Mayer – don’t you think they look alike? Ick, ick, ick – their music makes my ears bleed, and their ginormous egos make me puke.

  37. I’m a Twitter hater, and even though I was thinkinging I might need to get an account to keep up with how funny you are every second of the day, I might be too mad at you now, for getting that song stuck in my head! πŸ™‚

  38. I can see you are on some kind of “respond to my Pranksters with some Aunt Becky love” rampage…but I have nothing funny, witty or pithy to say (I’m no John C Mayer, yo) I just wanted to say thank you for making me laugh my ass off!

  39. I heard Your Body is a Wonderland on the radio in the car the other day and I literally asked, “I wonder how many babies were conceived to this song??” I felt my palms begin to get clammy and I felt like I was in high school again. I assumed these babies belong to young teeny-boppers who played this song circa 2002 when they had their girlfriend over for some afternoon delight. Candy lips? Bubble-gum tongues? Who else is John C. Mayer writing this song for other than young promiscuous teenagers? I still can’t believe they are STILL playing it on the radio.

  40. First. As charming and witty and whatever else John C Mayer may be,
    it’s still anoying to listen to a womanizing skank sing about mothers and daughters and treat women right and her body is a temple blah blah blah…

    cuz um… John? The chicks you toss to the wind are the mothers/daughters/sisters/heavenly-temple-bodied-babes you sing of.

    re: “Like my hatred of Angelina Jolie”

    IF things don’t work out with Dexter will you marry me?

  41. I admit I like listening to his music in the car, because I like to sing along loudly with stuff, and his songs have melody and are in a tenor range, and I can’t sing soprano…Enough with the rationalizations hiding my shame. In my defense, when listening to any given song, I can’t help snarking in my heart, wondering which celebrity girlfriend he fucked over by writing it. I’m convinced “Half of My Heart” is blowing off Jennifer Aniston. But enough about me.

  42. HA! I did actually know that John C. Mayer was funny before. I wasn’t a big fan until he was on some MTV thing or other and there were 4 or 5 of his BIGGEST FANS! – you know, pre-teens all googly-eyed over him, and they got to be in a rap session with him and give him feedback on some of his upcoming work. He totally messed with them, and if I was one of them, I probably wouldn’t be a fan anymore, but it was freakin’ hilarious. Anyway, you should try to find it on YouTube or something. I am now a psuedo-fan of his music because I think he’s funny. After this post (and the follow up one which is what led me here) I am DEFINITELY a fan of yours and will be following!

    1. Aw, thank you! John C. Mayer is actually pretty awesome and I think John C. Mayer would appreciate the pranking we’re giving the internet in his name. Because it came about so randomly, the John C Mayer Prank, it makes it THAT MUCH MORE AWESOME.

      Also: very nice to meet you. I’ll be reading your blog too!

  43. I know this is an old post but I just saw it today and I wanted to comment. My fiance did the same thing. HATED that song and then one day discovered that not all of his music was bad. He saw a concert he put on and backstage the caught John C Mayer himself mouthing the words I hate that f%$^ing song. So apparently the distain you have is also felt by John C Mayer himself. In fact, the song was written for him, not by him, and he continues to play it only because the ladies love it and therefore his record label also loves it.

  44. I’m a little late to this blog haha but John C. Mayer once said before playing your body is a wonderland live “this is the song that bought me a house, and lost me a career.” He hates the thought of that song as well. He wants to be known for his bluesy or more guitar influenced music SUCH AS “Heart of Life”. So actually, you and John C. Mayer agree with one another, you both hate that cheesy song. Mind blown

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