It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To

Yesterday marked the eleventy-hundreth time (approximately) I’ve thrown a party for one of my kids. It started with a kegger when Ben turned one (what?!? That is SO not trashy!) and persisted until he was ready to have a Kids Only party for himself. This is where I bow gracefully out of hosting and pay someone insane wads-o-cash to host the 10 kids somewhere OTHER than my house. Kids scare me.

Thankfully, by that time, Alex was ramping up to have a birthday party of his own for me to publicly express both my fetish for cakes and my fetish for encased meats.

And yesterday, in all it’s magnificent non-barbeque friendly weather was one of the best I’ve hosted yet. Especially since I didn’t have to stand shivering over the grill while it rained on my head. But whatever.

I don’t know if it’s the isolation factor of having a small baby–especially one that screams her head off in the car–or the fact that I’ve felt so unwell in the past year or so, or maybe because I’ve been dying to have something to celebrate without a …but… after it, but yesterday seemed especially full of The Awesome. The perfect mix of people, food and, of course, prescriptions.

Here is Amelia, in her fresh party outfit with her Uncle Paul:

mimi-and-paul

Here is what Amelia thought of her dress:

mimi-dress

You can practically hear her yell “MOOOOMMM, I look STOOOOPPID!” And then I took the dress OFF her.

Easter Dress: 1

Becky: 0

And the moment I waited all week for:

cake

The cake. The glorious cake. It was as tasty as it was classy. It also wasn’t as cool as last years cake, but they wouldn’t do the tiered cake order over the phone. And since said baby sucks to take in the car, I was not huffing my fat butt out there.

Oh well. Even if it didn’t have drug paraphernalia, at least it was classy.

Now for Part II of my II Part Post (doesn’t that look like it should be an alliteration?)

My Humps

After Ben’s sensory issues wouldn’t allow me to nurse him, I developed a major complex about breastfeeding. Specifically, that it was something that I’d failed mightily at. I didn’t, of course, take into consideration that my CHILD might be the problem, which, of course, he was.

So Alex was born with hair on his back but I was the one with a chip on my shoulder. I was Going To Breastfeed Him, Dammit, At Any Cost. And I did. I got up every 1-3 hours every single night with him to nurse him. For a year. I nursed him at least once an hour every hour until he was one.

Despite my initial delight at HIS delight at my boobs, I had really mixed feelings about breastfeeding. On the one hand, I was very proud of myself that I was able to do something I’d been previously unable to do. On the other, though, I didn’t find the joy that others seemed to associate with it.

I’m not a touchy-feely person and although I like cuddling my kids, I did occasionally want my own personal space. And I longed for the day when I could wear scoop-necked shirts and not v-necked ones. I also longed for the day when I didn’t have to let my nipples hang out in the breeze constantly. I’m not modest, but damn, it got old.

So when I got pregnant with Amelia and finally figured out it might stick, I figured I’d breastfeed again, but not exclusively, and that I wouldn’t give myself a hard time if

1) She couldn’t do it

or

2) She occasionally got formula.

And, well, I guess the inevitable happened: she decided that nursing was too much work, just like Dr. Sears warned me about! I’d call this a Nursing Strike, but I think she’s just done with the boob. And I don’t have the luxury of time to pump. Or should I say properly, I don’t want to make the time to pump exclusively.

I sit here and try to remind myself of the positives: I can lose weight more easily, I can finally wear shirts that don’t expose my chesticles, I can wear bras that don’t snap open and shut, and I won’t smell like a milk factory constantly. My body will be my own for the first time in 3 years. These are all true.

But she is my last baby. This is the last time I’ll nurse anyone. And I am conflicted. I wasn’t ready to have her grow up so soon. I’m not ready to put away her tiny newborn clothes, pack them up for the NICU I’m donating them to, knowing that this is the last time one of my flesh and blood will inhabit them.

I hate endings, no matter how happy they are. Even if it means new beginnings.

For today, my heart, it is wearing a frowny-sad-face.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

42 Responses to It’s My Party/My Humps Remix

  • Danielle says:

    I’m sorry your heart is wearing a frowny face, but you’ll feel better soon..I hope!
    *HUGS*

  • Kristine says:

    That is a beautiful cake!

    I never in a million years thought I’d be sad to see breastfeeding end, especially in the beginning when I thought my nipples were going to fall off. But I was, we did it for much longer than I expected and it was still sad. So I think no matter what happens, there’s always going to be an element of sadness.

  • Jen says:

    Yeah, I’m going thru those thoughts today, too. My babies are 14 and 9 and I’m only 32 (yeah, I was one of THOSE girls) It doesn’t help that my husband’s vasectomy seems to be doing exactly what it was intended to do. *sigh*
    I feel you.

  • Estherar says:

    My daughter also dropped me like a hot potato at (OK, it was over a few weeks, but still fairly abrupt) – once she had her first taste of cow juice, she decided it was so much better than mommy juice. She was also my last baby (she’s almost 6 now), and I still remember feeling decidedly jilted.

    I did, however, get over it fast enough that when, some 3-4 months later, she suddenly remembered there was this thing called nursing she used to like and tried to resume BF – I was very comfortable telling her the milk bar was permanently closed.

    (BTW, I’m really enjoying your blog and I *love* the design!).

  • kalakly says:

    I miss the hooka but the new cake did remind me of the Partridge Family bus which absolutely brings back some serious psychadelic(sp) memories….:)

    I am having the opposite prob with b/f as this whole new anaphylaxis issue has meant NO formula or even cereal for now for the C man and man, feeding every hour is hard work. But, looking at the price tag on the “only” possible formula if the blood work says its ok, 30 smackaroos a can, I guess the girls are gonna have to give it up whether they like it or not.
    I wish you could have the ending the way you want it. It sucks having it forced on you, either way.
    sighs

  • baseballmom says:

    Awww, girl. I feel the same way sometimes when I see people with diaper bags filled with baby food, finger foods, pacifiers, and cute little sippy cups and bottles. Sometimes. Other times, I see people chasing their darling toddlers around, and go, “Thank GOD that’s not me!” Maybe that’s why my kids had sippy cups and pacifiers until they were like 4, because I knew I’d miss the baby/toddler stages. Anyway, hang in there, and look forward to watching all of the fun firsts, like crawling, walking, hair pulling, calling her brothers assholes, and bong hits. Heh.

  • Dora B. says:

    that is an AWESOMELY AWESOME cake…i soooo want one

  • lady lemon says:

    I hate endings, too. Even the “happy” ones. Finality wiggs me out.

    I have nothing to offer on the nursing issue, as I have never nursed anything, but I can imagine feeling the way you do.

    My little Dacshund is hitting 8 months and he is more dog than puppy now. This is endlessly sad to me. I can only imagine what it would be like for a baby to grow up on me.

    My poor future children and the therapy they will need. Sigh.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    I love the cake! Gorgeous!

    I’m sorry your heart has a frowny face….I’d say to turn it upside down but that may cause issues with the blood pumping. So instead, good luck! And you are a fabulous mommy, even if you make your children wear torture devices! ;)

  • Dre says:

    First… you sound like you throw my kind of party… my girlfriends have started throwing what they like to call ‘Baby’s First Kegger’ which is a very different type of baby shower. Second… I hear you on the bf. I am almost done gestating my (I think) last baby and since I have to go back to work waaaay earlier than I had hoped, my mother in law not-so-helpfully suggested that I didn’t HAVE to breastfeed this baby. I had to draw blood by biting my cheek to stop from going off on her (my son was right there and the nasty things I wanted to say to his beloved Grammy probably would have scarred him). Yes, it is hard work, but it is the last time I will have to do that hard work, so I feel your sadness.

  • Ames says:

    First – I LOVE the cake, seriously…the next time I need a cake I’m SO asking you to help me pick it out. Got any great ideas for a 3rd birthday cake?

    Second – I too was sad when I had to stop breast feeding my second one ~ twice I got screwed out of it by stupid preeclampsia and the meds I had to take afterwards to get myself healthy. Yes, I know my health is more important, but I feel like a total loser for not being able to do something that well…women were supposed to be “made” to do. *sigh*

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Hon- if it wasn’t working out for the two of you then give her formula and get over the guilt. That stuff is toxic. Guilt, that is.
    Enjoy your baby in all the ways you can and that will be the best thing for her and for you.

  • I dread when this feeling comes with my third (knowing he will be my last) But somehow my kids…. (the older two) are always able to remind me (typically with their horrific behavior) that them growing up….may not be such a bad thing! ;)

  • ainebegonia says:

    I breastfed my youngest for 2 years and I was still sad to see it end even though I’m not a touchy feelie person either and I was definitely ready to stop. It was an end to something and the finality of it (she is definitely my last child) made me very sad for a couple of weeks

  • Kerrie says:

    The whole boob thing didn’t work for me…AT ALL. Like, she was STARVING. I actually had the doctor tell me that my boobs just might be too big….The milk had too far to travel. Seriously? Seriously?? Where did you get your medical degree? That is your medical opinion! I’ve seen some pretty big boobs in my day sweetheart! Anyway, had to switch to formula almost straight away. But I am sorry that you have to give it up …. I’m sure that’s hard for you.

  • Sarah says:

    This is why we love cake – it’s pretty, and sweet. None of that ugly bittersweet BS.

  • I’m sorry you’re feeling bad about the end of this phase of motherhood for you. I didn’t breastfeed my kids for various reasons, so I sometimes feel like I can’t directly relate with those people who are quite passionate about it. However, what it comes down to, in my opinion, is the care we give our children and seeing them thrive. You’ve got a thriving, beautiful little girl on your hands, and maybe she wasn’t actually crying about her dress. Were it me, I’d have been crying about missing out on some of that sweet looking cake action!

  • Sara says:

    It’s the last baby thing. I can’t believe that we are done at 2 kids, and every time little Z does something babyish for the last time, I cry a little on the inside!

  • Lola says:

    Cool cake! Glad you had a great party, and I’m sure your frown will turn upside down in no time regarding the lack of boobie love. It just goes to show how advanced your sweet little dress hater is going to be ;)

  • Lindsay says:

    That cake is so beautiful! I have never seen a cake like that for a kids party (OK, really any party that isn’t a wedding).

  • Andy says:

    There was no breast feeding in our house, since we only had 3 months to prep for Liam’s adoption. And the idea of breastfeeding a child she hadn’t birthed really squigged Hilary out!

    But I was sad to see the bottles go. I missed that alone time when we got to snuggle over a night time bottle.

    Love the cake and the dress!

  • Stacey says:

    I really didn’t think I would be sad when DS2 called it quits with the boobs. He’d been working his way off, dropping a nursing here & there until there was just the one at bedtime & I was like “OMG! When is this kid going to be done already?” and one night he dropped that one. The second night in a row he wasn’t interested I shocked the hell out myself & DH by bursting into tears & crying about how I didn’t want my baby to grow up.

    I am SO not that person most of the time but every now & then it kicks me in the chest.

  • deb says:

    There’s always The Daver. He likes to breastfeed, no?

    Seriously, I know its hard. Enjoy them while they’re all still little.

  • fidget says:

    my milk is drying up. I had plans to make it to 1 yr but my chesticles have other plans. The most bitter part of this pill? Son can only take the ridiculously expensive human blood … err i mean cows milk protein free formula.

  • stacie says:

    That last line made me say an audible “awwwww…” which promptly got me a few curious looks from my husband. I am so sorry that your heart has a frowny face right now. :-(

    I have thought about this issue more than I like to admit to myself. When I was pregnant with the boys, I never wanted to bf. Never felt like I needed to. But then they were born so early and everyone made me feel like I had to pump to help get them healthy, so I did. Only to find my body wouldn’t do it. (and really who can blame it when it shouldn’t have had to do anything remotely like what I was asking for another 12 weeks!) Now I want to get pregnant and bf. Not because I want to bf, but because I want to prove to myself that I can. Great motivation, isn’t it?

    Hugs.

  • Eva says:

    Exclusively pumping blows. I am glad to hear you are not doing it.

    Weaning is always hard no matter why, no matter when. I’m sorry.

    Jealous of the cake!

  • Emily R says:

    i’m sorry. i wish i could give advice, but all three of my kids had the opposite problem.

  • artist victoria o'neill says:

    gosh, I nursed my kids for so long, all three of them. The last one, my son was so hard to wean…..but I had had it. I nursed non stop from the time the first one was born, then through two pregnancies, and beyoned. It seemed like a decade, in fact it actually was almost a decade when all was said and done……!

  • SciFi Dad says:

    You know, if Amelia isn’t drinking it, you could always sell your milk to that Mexican artist… maybe he’ll even name the exhibit after you. (ref: http://blogs.app.com/saywhat/2009/04/20/breast-milk-cheese-served-at-art-exhibit-opening/)

  • Miss Grace says:

    That cake is gorgeous!

  • RhoRho says:

    My 2nd and last (the man-child) rejected my humps at 8 months for good and I felt totally denied. But he’s still my titty baby.
    Feel good about what you’ve done! If she even just got the colostrum it’s all good:)

  • Badass Geek says:

    I’m glad everything went well. That cake looks pretty awesome.

  • SCY says:

    That cake rocks! And while she did not love the outfit I thought it was super cute.

    Can’t offer any assvise on the humps situation I’m afraid – so completely out of my realm of experience that one ;)

    Take care of yourself Becks – you deserve it :)

    xxx

  • Kendra says:

    That is an absolutely gorgeous cake. I’m glad you had such a wonderful party; it’s definitely time for one!

    Sorry to hear about the nursing. When my oldest decided he was done, it was really hard for me. He’s started getting cow’s milk at day care, and that was it for him; he was no longer interested in the boob at all. So I created new routines to replace the nursing ones. It wasn’t the same, but it helped. Now my third one is 13 months, and I think she may plan to breastfeed until she’s a teenager. But I may be encouraging that, because knowing this is the last time my body will nourish anyone other than itself, I’m not eager for that feeling to go away.

    Whatever the circumstances, it’s hard to see things end. I guess this is your little girl’s first step toward independence.

  • guilty noodles says:

    sounds like nursing will be the least of your worries… she sounds, um, very decisive?

    it sucks we have to go through this roller coaster of mixed feelings all over BREAST FEEDING, in addition to sleep deprivation, hormones and juggling everything else we mothers have to juggle.

    although i must say, you rock.

  • Jenn says:

    Cute cake! Cakes are better for looking at than eating.

    Sorry about the breastfeeding situation. I think pretty much everyone has some sort of mixed feelings when it’s over. xoxo

  • Nit says:

    I love that cake! :)

    I can imagine how you feel torn about the whole bf’ing thing….I think it’s great that you’ve done it this long :)

  • # 1. That cake ROCKS.

    # 2. Enjoy having your boobies back. Just think of all the fun things you can do with them now…

    XOXO

  • Rachel, too. says:

    i am going to start weaning in a few weeks and i’m pretty sure the only thing that will make me feel better is some vicodin. wanna share???

  • Betty M says:

    Its a wrench I know. Sorry.

    Cute cake!

  • heather says:

    I have been trying to leave you a comment, but my laptop hates me. Anyway, if it isn’t too late – my cousin had trouble breastfeeding, and she would put formula on her nipples to trick the baby into nursing. It worked for her, maybe you could try it.

  • mumma boo says:

    Great cake! And who says we can’t have Baby’s 1st Kegger parties? The babies don’t care!

    Transitions are tough, no matter what stage, especially when it’s the last baby. I’m watching Cenzo leave his babyhood in the dust more and more each day. *sigh* Take heart, Becks – even though Amelia’s leaving your boobies behind, you have a LONG way to go before she sprouts some of her own. ;)

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