First off, I want to say thank you to anyone who had something nice to say to me in the past couple weeks. It’s been a really hard time for me, and while I don’t really like to sit and whine about it, it’s nice to know that my friends in the computer love me. They really, really love me.

So, I’m going to lighten the mood here, and bring you an irregular feature I like to call Fan Mail, or Mail Bag, or something with the words “bag” in it. Especially if it’s a euphemism for testicles (nut bag). Then I’m happy (T-bag).

Either (ball-bag) way, I’m bringing to you, my lovely readers, a Q and A forum wherein *I* answer the questions that bring people to my doorstep. Any punctuation (fun bag) is usually mine, and any spelling issues are often theirs, since I’ve learned to use a little feature I like to call Spell Check (man bag).

Dear Aunt Becky,

what happens when you are having sex and a big wet spot occurs?

Signed,

Sticky and NOT Sweet.

Dear Drowning In The Spooge,

There are several things that one can do to prevent the big wet spot. Condom usage comes to mind, as does the pull-out-n-pray method. Or you could even designate a particular towel to mop up Lake Spoogekins before it seeps out onto your designer sheets.

My own personal favorite method, however, my sticky friend, happens to be something I like to call Making Damn Sure We Hump On His Side Of The Bed. Eliminates all problems for me.

Eternally Yours,

Aunt Becky.

————–

My Dearest Aunt Becky,

Why do I have extra skin on balls?

Yours,

Dangly Bits

My Dear Old Balls,

I hate to be the one that breaks the news to you that you might want to consider investing in a sort of man bra for your nuts. While a dangly scrote is typically considered a good thing for men wanting to impregnate their partner, due to the cooler temperatures away from the body, if you’re not trying to procreate, it’s just got to be kind of annoying.

But, sadly for your ball bag, as men grow older and their skin begins to lose some elasticity, the nuts themselves begin to droop lower and lower, until one day you realize that they are submerged while you’re taking a dump.

I only wish I were kidding.

Perhaps a bra might help?

HUGS,

Aunt Becky

————

Aunt Becky,

Where can i find maternity skinny jeans?

Signed,

Fashion Concious

Dear Slave to Fashion,

Even if I knew (I do), why would you want to know? Do you have any idea how stupid you’re going to look once you really start to get heavy up top? Imagine pulling those puppies over your swollen third trimester ankles, why don’t you?

Disgustedly,

Aunt Becky

———–

Dearest Auntie Becky,

Congratulations on your divorce.

Also:

Becky is a bitch.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Will you marry me?

Love,

Becky

—————-

Now, these posts (of which I believe I’ve done one before) are pretty hard to do. You’d think they’d be easy, but as of today I have 305 search terms that have brought people here for the month of November, most of which are so fucking disgusting that I can barely stomach them before noon. I’d repeat them, but it’d bring more hits to me for these perverts.

The other sort of search term I often get are people searching for their own name. Which is, hello, HILARIOUS. Especially since the only person whose full name I’ve divulged is my own.

So who is gonna confess here? Who found me by searching for “Cheeseburger Crotch?”

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

41 Responses to It’s Mail Bag Time!

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