First off, I want to say thank you to anyone who had something nice to say to me in the past couple weeks. It’s been a really hard time for me, and while I don’t really like to sit and whine about it, it’s nice to know that my friends in the computer love me. They really, really love me.

So, I’m going to lighten the mood here, and bring you an irregular feature I like to call Fan Mail, or Mail Bag, or something with the words “bag” in it. Especially if it’s a euphemism for testicles (nut bag). Then I’m happy (T-bag).

Either (ball-bag) way, I’m bringing to you, my lovely readers, a Q and A forum wherein *I* answer the questions that bring people to my doorstep. Any punctuation (fun bag) is usually mine, and any spelling issues are often theirs, since I’ve learned to use a little feature I like to call Spell Check (man bag).

Dear Aunt Becky,

what happens when you are having sex and a big wet spot occurs?

Signed,

Sticky and NOT Sweet.

Dear Drowning In The Spooge,

There are several things that one can do to prevent the big wet spot. Condom usage comes to mind, as does the pull-out-n-pray method. Or you could even designate a particular towel to mop up Lake Spoogekins before it seeps out onto your designer sheets.

My own personal favorite method, however, my sticky friend, happens to be something I like to call Making Damn Sure We Hump On His Side Of The Bed. Eliminates all problems for me.

Eternally Yours,

Aunt Becky.

————–

My Dearest Aunt Becky,

Why do I have extra skin on balls?

Yours,

Dangly Bits

My Dear Old Balls,

I hate to be the one that breaks the news to you that you might want to consider investing in a sort of man bra for your nuts. While a dangly scrote is typically considered a good thing for men wanting to impregnate their partner, due to the cooler temperatures away from the body, if you’re not trying to procreate, it’s just got to be kind of annoying.

But, sadly for your ball bag, as men grow older and their skin begins to lose some elasticity, the nuts themselves begin to droop lower and lower, until one day you realize that they are submerged while you’re taking a dump.

I only wish I were kidding.

Perhaps a bra might help?

HUGS,

Aunt Becky

————

Aunt Becky,

Where can i find maternity skinny jeans?

Signed,

Fashion Concious

Dear Slave to Fashion,

Even if I knew (I do), why would you want to know? Do you have any idea how stupid you’re going to look once you really start to get heavy up top? Imagine pulling those puppies over your swollen third trimester ankles, why don’t you?

Disgustedly,

Aunt Becky

———–

Dearest Auntie Becky,

Congratulations on your divorce.

Also:

Becky is a bitch.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Will you marry me?

Love,

Becky

—————-

Now, these posts (of which I believe I’ve done one before) are pretty hard to do. You’d think they’d be easy, but as of today I have 305 search terms that have brought people here for the month of November, most of which are so fucking disgusting that I can barely stomach them before noon. I’d repeat them, but it’d bring more hits to me for these perverts.

The other sort of search term I often get are people searching for their own name. Which is, hello, HILARIOUS. Especially since the only person whose full name I’ve divulged is my own.

So who is gonna confess here? Who found me by searching for “Cheeseburger Crotch?”

Comments

comments

41 thoughts on “It’s Mail Bag Time!

  1. The title for this post should have been Male Bag, not Mail Bag.

    -a bra for the ball sack? what should it be called?
    Testystraps? The Bralls? Support for your hose?

  2. I aspire to recieve emails like that. FOr now I will have to settle for them all thelling me how disfunctional my penis is. Oh and there’s the guy from Nigeria who I need to get back in touch with about some money.

  3. Nothing like numerous ball references to make me giggle.

    On that topic, I had to take my car in to get my (lug)nuts tightened yesterday. I announced to the garage guy with a totally straight faced.

  4. I am soooo proficient at the lets-finish-on-your-side-of-the-bed-so-I-can-sleep-well method. I mean let’s face it, who ever you are with is probably so damn excited that he/she is getting laid they are not even thinking about the wet spot until it’s too late.

    Yay for being smart!

  5. It was me. I’m a big fan of cheeseburger crotch.
    Ahem.

    Bag is my new favorite word.

    And I like you. I really, really like you.

    P.S. I also employ the “hump on his side of the bed” method. Good advice.

  6. Dear Drowning In The Spooge

    This was literally all it took to make me wet myself in this post, but the comments took a close second.

    Mumma boo, “Scrote Tote” has my vote for the ball bra moniker. Let’s market that puppy. Think we can get Billy Mays to do our infomercial? Oh, the possibilities.

  7. It’s nice to know the younger generation is keeping up the traditions. Can there still be a woman out there, above the age of consent (which in my state now is 14 – don’t ask) who doesn’t know that you shake your money maker on his side of the bed? There is no way I would sleep in HIS splooge induced wet spot. My comfort is paramount. To me anyway.

    I want in on this nut sack bra. I think y’all are on to something.

  8. Seriously, why I do not have a Google Analytic account or any of that stuff. You know, other than I wouldn’t know how to set it up, run it, or Analytic it.

    There’s some pretty sick tickets out there. Makes me feel downright normal.

    Em

  9. Ha! I have the best solution ever to the first problem! Get a man who has nothing coming out of those saggy balls!

    Wait. That solution sucks actually.

  10. WEll I came upon your blog through a blog roll…I can’t remember whos now but when I say “mommy wants vodka” I could not help but go out and look. Being that I was a homeschooling mama that hit the wine at 3 pm…well “mommy wants vodka” sounded right up my alley.

    Then when I came to your blog and saw the “God kills a kitten every time you masturbate” well I could relate as a 38 year old man in FTM puberty! I often feel bad for masterbating and figured maybe a kitten really does die but who cares…I got to get my rocks off lol!]

    O.k. O.k. serious now. …I started reading and as a mama I could relate, as a man I could relate, as a parent I could relate, as a partner I could relate…. so that is why I keep reading.

  11. Seriously, who humps in the bed anymore anyway? Isn’t that passe?

    I’m guessing these are old timers, trying to stay hip and cool. Everyone knows the healthy thing these days is a lo-carb crotch wrap.

    But I keep reading to stay cool, so what do I know.

  12. First of, I just have to say your very first response was right on… I ALWAYS shift to HIS side of the bed.

    Second, my husband is a product WHORE and as he was reviewing his man grooming catalog, he came across this:
    High quality talcum keeps “your boys dry,” smelling great and free from unnecessary friction. Just a shake in your shorts is sure to ward off both “bat wings” and the dreaded “swamp ass”. Available in Original, Tingle and Fragrance-free.

    Dude, I am not making this up. I actually ran upstairs to bring the catalog down. It’s at http://www.groominglounge.com, under “sweaty junk” and for a mere $15.

    What are “bat wings”, Aunt Becky?

  13. hahahahahahahah….
    They hang in the toilet? Really? It seems only fair as our boobs move down towards our belt buckles lol.

    So how do you find search terms for your site? AND cheeseburger crotch? Really?

    Oh and two thumbs up on the skinny jean question. Actually I think it could just be said of all skinny jeans. Think of how bad they look as you pull them up over your ass?!

    thanks for the laugh! You rock!

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