Because I called my cruise a business trip, Angie and I talked shop for a little bit when we were together. Although, I’m going to be honest, a lot less than you’d think. When I was a waitress, post-shift, the staff would pour out of the restaurant together like a bunch of lunatics that hadn’t seen the light of day in 16 years and we’d proceed to talk about “the assholes at table 24” for the next 2 hours while we drank ourselves into a pit of oblivion.

Server stories are endlessly entertaining to other servers, but blogging stories simply aren’t interesting to anyone…even other bloggers. I mean, could I really be all, “ONE TIME MY DNS THINGY CRASHED AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT EVEN MEANS” without making other people want to slit their own necks?

Plus, saying, “I have a blog” is kind of not full of the awesome because it STILL sounds like I could have a site devoted to my cat, Mr. Sprinkles, and his wacky anecdotes. Because let me tell you, Mr. Sprinkles is one wacky guy.

Angie and I did, however, talk conferences. Specifically the docket for next year.

I’m doing BlogHer this year, and I’m even speaking, which must have been some grievous error on BlogHer’s end because I am not classy and they are classy and maybe someone will spike my drink so that I won’t get up there and be all ‘YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH’ in front of people.

They probably thought I was the OTHER Aunt Becky.

Anyway, I don’t normally do conferences, but I guess I should start because there are OTHER people at conferences whose legs I should like to hump with my vagina (yes YOU Pranksters) and that’s essentially what I told Angie who is not the island of a blogger that I am.

*warbles Islands in the Streams*

It was there, over Strawberry Frozen Yogurt when we came up with our most brilliant idea.

Why not say “fuck it” and all get our assess onto a boat? We could do a Blogger Meet-up on a boat!

Let me break it down.

It’s cheaper than a hotel per night if you bunk up with someone (especially in the middle rooms like where Your Aunt Becky stayed)(because I am a cheap ass) AND the airfare down to Florida isn’t exorbitant depending upon when we go. A cruise would be no more than a conference, especially if you got a roommate.

So, I’m thinking that this is the wave of the future. GET IT? WAVE? It’s me being nautical again. HILARITY.

What’s not awesome about getting on a boat with a couple of bloggers and then proceeding to:

a) drink

2) sleep

@) drink THEN sleep

8) eat anything you want

*) swim

10) smuggle in narcotics

I mean, really, nothing not awesome.

The idea is still in it’s embryonic form because I have to research REAL blog conferences with you know, real speakers and stuff, so that I don’t book something that’s conflicting with it, but I’ll be on a motherfucking boat. Angie will too. You can join us.

If you guys are dead set on having some conference shit going on, I’m sure that Angie (who is a legitimate business owner) and I (who am a bullshit blogger) can come up with some sort of agenda.

Like this:

8-10: Motherfucking SLEEP

10-11: Eat breakfast, chew aspirin to work off hangover. Laugh at previous night’s antics once laughing doesn’t hurt.

11-11:20: Lazily discuss blogging. Ask if anyone else actually makes money blogging. Make the one poor sap that raises hand buy drinks.

11:20-11:30: Chug beer through makeshift beer bong.

11:30-1PM: Lay by pool trying to catch the elusive she-mullet on film. Winner gets free drinks.

1-2PM: Lunch. Lazily order “one of everything” on the menu. Laugh when server asks “really” then say, “of course.” Eat it all.


4-4:10- Discuss traffic levels on blog. Decide it really IS all about content. Get distracted by someone in a whimsical t-shirt.

4:10-5:00- Try to decide if anyone actually knows the words to the Macarana. Stop fist-fight between two irate (and drunk) bloggers who swear that it’s actually an Irish Folk Song.

5:00-7PM- SHOW TIME. Laugh at the awesome show put on by the band. Debate whether or not the show people know how bad their show is. Laugh more. Applaud loudly because NO ONE ELSE IS.

7-8:30- DINNER TIME. Marvel over how good dinner is. Marvel over how fat you are becoming. Marvel how you just don’t give a shit.

8:30-10PM- Back up to the deck to people-watch. Realize that no matter how bad you feel about yourself, really, it’s not so bad. EVER.

10-11PM BEDTIME, baby.


Really, Pranksters, this is going to be full of the awesome. You should do it. You don’t have to be a blogger, like blogs, or even read them to join us. It’ll be a floating party of awesome.

Angie and I will be on a boat. Mr. Sprinkles, my fictitious cat, will not be.


Also my column at Toy With Me, penis tattoos? WTF?

109 thoughts on “It’s Clear That My Brilliance Is Better When Someone Else Is Around To Witness It

  1. Dear Aunt Becky, I LOVE this idea. I love this idea so hard I have humped it into oblivion. And by ‘oblivion’ I mean I LIKE TO PLAN THINGS AND IF YOU NEED HELP MAKING UP A BULLSHIT AGENDA I VOLUNTEER.

    I am not going to BlogHer because I am a broke ass ho but I wish you luck and wish I was there to see her and I DO hope you say YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. You can even say YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH KRISTI if you want. No one will know it’s for me, but I’ll feel it back here in Chicago, and feel like I am in on a smidge of the action.

    I was singing Islands In The Stream to my three year old at a restaurant the other day. In the style of A Gremlin. It’s true.

      1. Bitchin’! Also I totally meant “I wish I was there to see YOU”, not “her”. I don’t know who SHE is but I’m sure you’re better than her.

  2. Well, this is an excellent idea and I’m quite surprised no one has thought of it before. Or maybe they have, but are slackers like most of us and haven’t put anything into motion. Now you two- you can do it.
    However, I will not be joining you. Two things which do not appeal to me in the least are:
    1. Conferences
    2. Cruises
    This is because I am
    a. agoraphobic, and
    b. an agoraphobic person who doesn’t cruise
    But y’all should really do this. I think the response would be tremendous.

  3. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Oh please do! Such a brilliant idea, and now you brought it up: Come one! How come nobody’s ever thought of it? SIMPLY BRILLIANT!!!!! I am getting so excited right now!!

    Speaking of humping at BlogHer. So glad to learn that you’ll be there. So glad I have a fat thigh so it’s softer and more comfy when you hump it. You are welcome. I am considerate like that.

  4. … the agenda is missing a competitive sport or workshop. I’m going with an under water flask tossing/chugging relay maybe? Or if we do it on the finger-hand ship the possibilities are endless really.

    Think it over.

  5. Hmmm…now I get the invitation…when it’s too late to go on the first inagural cruise, and too early to start packing for the next one.

    The only downside I can see is that there would probably be a horrible accident, involving a sunken boat, life rafts to a deserted island with no internet connection, and the world will collapse because no one will know what Mr. Sprinkles is up to! Also, the people watching might be less fun, since the boat would be filled with cool people…

  6. Fuck – I need to start a blog so I Canberra part of this hot mess!!!
    And I want to go to blogger now just so ivan hear you tell everyone to shut their whore mouths!

  7. Oh, hey, how’s it going? MOTHERF-ING SIGN. ME. UP. Even if you got, say, 20 people to go, or less, you could have things in a meeting room, like roundtable discussions and whatnot, have a few topics on hand, then let people have at it. ‘Twould be magical.

  8. Sixthman has Rock the Boat, you should start your own “Blog the Boat” annually. Present the idea to each cruise company and watch them fight over who gets you. Would love to come but the airfare from WA would be twice as much as the cruise. Fucking airfare.

    1. I’m with Zak. Can we invite Nancy K Whatever her name is that emails The Bloggess? Surely we can have her bring a bulk sized bag of that Judy Garland Trail Mix? Someone find her.

  9. Do you have to be a blogger? Or can a semi annoying commenter go as well? Because I could totally start a blog about how big of asshats accountants can be, and about my cat!

    Oh, and domestic Florida flights are TOTALLY cheap.

  10. Too bad I’m broke and have the crotch parasites (including one boob parasite.) Oh and cruises are on boats and those rooms are all small-like. Bbut maybe if I was drunk the whole time I wouldn’t notice? Love the agenda thus far.

  11. Ummm this sounds Uh-maze-ing! i will gladly let you hump my leg. And on a boat? Even better! This might just be the best idea I’ve heard in all of my years!

  12. I’m all over this! I’ve wanted to make it to BlogHer for 3 years but that would eat into vacation money & going to a hotel in a strange city to listen to speaks sounds suspiciously like what I did at work. Not really a vacation.

    Granted it sounds like the parties are better at BlogHer than at Telcom Innovation conferences.

    But a cruise ships is by default a vacation destination. You can’t not be on vacation on a cruise ship & if the timing is right I can drop my kids with the grandparents in FL & then cruise guilt free.

  13. Frick. Frick. Frick.

    Oh, dear.

    See – I always knew this would happen. Now here I am, forced to reveal my shame to the world.

    I think any conference you’d put on would be freaking awesome. I mean, obviously. And I’d love to attend. LOVE to. And obviously you’d like me to, because as it turns out, I’m even more awkward and creepy in real life. Who doesn’t want to see that?

    But here’s the thing.

    And I’d like to stress that I think my opinion in this matter is not only valid, but far superior to all others.

    Cruises are death boats. And don’t even think that whole, they’re ships not boats things, because I’m in the middle of an important point here.

    Did you know that if somebody kills you while in international waters, then flees, there’s no gov’t with jurisdiction to track them down? They’re just free to kill kill kill.

    So what taking a cruise really says is that you’re confident there’s nobody in the world a) who’s willing to follow you into the ocean to assure your death, or b) who, upon meeing or seeing you for the first time, would think raping and murdering you would be a pleasant way to pass the afternoon, with maybe a time out for learning how to make napkins into cute little animals or a conga line.

    What I’m saying is – I’m in.

    Because you’re awesome. And I’m not doing BlogHer b/c I’m super poor and think everybody would mock me for my pathetic little blog. And I’m awesome, so it’d be nice for everyone else if I’m there. And I’d love to hear you should any sentence with “whore” and “mouth.”

    But my decision to do this is flying in the face of the probability that it’ll lead to almost certain death.

    Just sayin’.

  14. God Damn It. I guess I better actually do some work on my blog on a regular basis so you guys will take me seriously.(Snort, giggle, snort). I guess I’d better drink more too so I can keep up with everyone on the cruise. Maybe I’ll be practical and drink and blog at the same time. I don’t have to worry because no one reads my blog anyway. It’s just therapy for me.
    I need to record you saying “Shut your whore mouths”. It would make an awesome ring tone.
    Cruise=Best Idea Ever

    1. You don’t have to blog AT ALL EVER to go on this cruise. Basically, we’re all going to hang out and drink and hang out and drink. It’s going to RULE.

      Then we can make drunken ring tones and search for creepy hand bars.

  15. I say Becky For President of Awesome, because this is Genius!

    p.s. I love your inadvertent ‘sunglasses smiley guy’ up there in your random list. love. it.

  16. I’m SO IN. And volunteer to give a lecture on improv hip-hop which is really just stealing regular type hiphop and changing the words. LAZY FTW.

    Totally not going to Blogher since I’m to blogging what Kathy Griffin is to celebrity. Actually, I’m less than that because people know Kathy Griffin. I’m that lady from the Progressive commercials.

  17. I am in. All in. But we need to work out the internet connection thing, either by having John Mayer standing around in his neon onesie holding some sort of wireless/satellite modem, or just staying real close to land. Like, maybe, parked at the dock.

    I don’t really give a shit about the competitive competitions unless, of course, there are fancy sponsors that will give us shit. And I want a gift bag, yo. You can’t do this think without a gift bag. I volunteer to set up the free schwag, if only to make sure I GET SOME.

  18. Brilliant!!! And I say that like the old beer commercial (was it Heineken? No, Guinness- thanks Google.) The best part of this plan? I live in Miami, no airline tickets to buy!!!! Therefore, I might be able to afford, okay scrape together, the cash to do this. Do I get to go if I’m not a real blogger? I mean, I HAVE a blog, and once in a great while I get a chance to write in it. Does that count? I could use this as an opportunity to learn from the masters, like you Aunt Becky, right? I think we should definitely organize a talent show for this cruise, I mean “convention”. I’ll be in charge of that. Oh, and I’ll give free salsa lessons if you want… We could get some kind of group rate for a convention, no? This sounds like so much fun. Sign me up too!!!!

  19. It’s so funny that you mention “the elusive she mullet”, as a woman in my office just had her girlfriend in here, and she has the flat-top with the mullet. Not only that, but the mullet now extends down to the middle of her back. A thoroughly unattractive look on just about anyone. I would like to try to capture it on film, but am afraid she will beat my ass if she catches me.

  20. Dude, I got a bunch of those “Hi, My Name Is ___” tags left over from a different thing I did. I can totally bring those.

  21. Hate a boat, so won’t be joining that conference, but I signed up for BlogHer for some damn reason, so am thrilled to find out I will be able to hear you say “shut your whore mouth” live.

  22. Dude, I am IN!! When I was talking about BlogHer with you and you were unsure about the details, I was kind of hoping that you would do something like this. Hmm, that now sounds creepy. Please tell me I can still come.

  23. Just wanted to clarify this boat thing. Are we going on a “motherfucking” boat or a “mother” fucking boat? Either way I’m most likely in 😉 Seriously, smuggled in narcotics and beer bongs – it’s a no brainer!!

  24. Ha ha ha ha….Okay if I were not AFRAID of being on a huge boat floating over water and sharks and such I would sooooo be with you on this.

      1. What about pirates? 😛

        Actually, can you imagine if that actually happened? I would imagine we would all be screaming “ARGH!!” at them, then ducking, taking another drink then kicking the next person that it was their turn to scream ARGH!!

  25. There is no possible way that I can say something funny and/or memorable about this idea that hasn’t already been said.

    Except that I would bedazzle my vajayjay if that’s what it took to get me on that boat.

  26. I might go along on this one. Just to snap pics of all the debauchery. Also, how come I’m not on your most favorite of all bloggers list? I mean seriously. I did not see ANY other blogs with a special place on your iPad home screen for easy access. I shared my drugs(legal) with you. Most importantly though, when you slept on my couch, I was nice enough to tell you which side to sleep on so you wouldn’t enjoy the sweetness of my farts from the past 7 years. If that’s not friendly hospitality, I dunno what is. Hahahaha…. I kid about the blogroll. A simple post with an ode to me will suffice. 😉

  27. I am so in this it hurts…(literally, i was laughing so hard i fell off the couch…it hurt)

    I’m a master of bullshit agenda’s…seriously I make one every day.

  28. Awesome idea!

    My bestie is a cruise agent who totally rocks organizing things and she can really make your life easier with getting the actual cruise stuff happening (and she’s a fabulous fun person, too!)

  29. To whom do I address my Paypal payment? Get on this shit and fast ladies, cause I wanna come! I can drink like a champ and I’ll even bunk with a stranger/blogger/prankster as long as they don’t Bogart the pillows.

  30. ok, so I don’t have a blog, but I’ll start one if I can go on the boat. I am a prankster, love me some Aunt Becky, and live in a house with my 2 sausages, a grown up one and a 10 yr old one… they can TRY to clean their own motherfucking bathroom while I’m cruising with you. I could write a whole blog about the state of the motherfucking bathroom that the sausages have overtaken. It is NOT full of the awesome, but it IS one of the many reasons I drink! AND I live in Florida, so there would be no good reason not to go!!!

  31. Ummmm….I’m not sure, but I think it’s a sin to have this much fun, and that sorta scares me, so..

    can you just post pictures for us chickenshits who are afraid of the afterlife?

  32. Seriously, where do I sign up? My husband and I went on a cruise a couple of years back, and it kind of sucked because of all the super rude old people. But this sounds way better, the bloggers can muscle the old people out!

  33. Sign me up! Sign me up! I can tell hubby I’m doing “research” for our first ever cruise with the kids. You know, to make sure it’s safe for them and all. *snort* Also, I was a conference planner in previous life, so if you need help with all the detail-y crap, I’m your gal. Also x 2 – I would pay you to stand up and tell a room full of people at BlogHer to SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH! Get it on video, and Imma send you a check.

  34. I want to come but I somehow ended up with 5 crotch parasites and they need clothes and food and pointe shoes and ballet camp and what-not. Selfish little twits.

    But? imo? You need to open your speech at BlogHer with a rousing, “Shut. YOUR. WHORE. MOOOOUUUTTTTHHHH!!”

    And that can be the Club Becky Official Greeting! All we need now is a secret handshake and a secret decoder ring. Although, what the hell will any of us be able to figure out using the decoder ring after all the drinky-poos?

  35. I’ve never been on a cruise. This sounds like a good time to be had on one though. Sign me up!

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