Spring in the Midwest is the time of year when we all come tumbling out of our houses and into the parkways like puppies, larva-like and milky-white from months of not seeing the sun. We’re always overly chatty in a serial killer way with our neighbors because it’s literally been months of not seeing them, and there’s always a sort of camaraderie of “yeah, we survived another one.”

We all seem to underestimate how hard the deep freeze of the winters are on our psyche, if not our pasty white skin. Because no sooner does the thermometer needle hover near 40 degrees than we’re all pulling out the barbecue grills and inviting everyone over for a Sausage (bacon?) Party.

We’re all also in the process of cleaning out our houses. St. Charles (ILLINOIS, people) runs a yearly junk day where the city comes around and picks up all your junk for free. The week before, though, everyone sets out their stuff and it’s sort of a recycling frenzy. Pretty much nothing makes it to the actual dump, which, HELLO, I’M BEING GREEN HERE.

In the process of getting the stuff ready for junk day, I finally tackled the project I’ve been putting off: Baby Stuff.

Since Amelia was born, I’ve just sort of stuffed all of her outgrown clothes into bins and thrown them in her closet (with all of Alex’s outgrown clothes) and called it a day. I’ve not been ready psychologically to deal with it, so, I shoved it back into the closet.

She’s our last baby, as made by the snipping of The Daver’s vas deferens this Thursday (Happy Tax Day, Daver!) and honestly, I’m good with that. My body can physically not handle another baby. I don’t want another baby. Shit, I have an 8-year old, a 3-year old and a 1-year old. Three is a motherfucking LOT of kids, Pranksters.

But it’s all those teeny-tiny clothes that break me up. I remember my babies in them when they were all tiny and new and squirmy and sweet (and not-so-sweet) smelling. They’re just so small and darling and my children are now getting so big and that’s wonderful but wow, those clothes, they flay me. They gut me.

It was time.

And really, it wasn’t as hard as I’d thought. I’ve still got my tenterhooks in the girl clothes and I gave the boy clothes to my nephew Cameron. How cool is it that I can SEE my clothes worn by my only nephew? (answer: full of fucking awesome!)

That goes to show that even Aunt Becky accepts that it’s time for a new era in Casa de la Sausage.

The era of watching OTHER people get fat, saggy asses and leaky breasticles while they cook their crotch parasites. The era of listening to OTHER people bemoan lack of sleep and all-nighters with chubby people who poo their pants. The era of listening to OTHER people discover why Dr. Sears is the fucking DEVIL.

Because as sad as I was to see those baby clothes go, I know I don’t want to push something from my delicate girl bits to put in those clothes. I’m done with that. My crotch is my own now. AUNT BECKY IS TAKING BACK THE CROTCH (and the rest of her body).

And the best part about it is, The Daver can no longer use the “it’s uter-US, Becky, not Uter-YOU” line on me anymore.


I am at Toy With Me, where I wrote a letter to my younger self. READ IT.


If you want to meet Mimi (and The Daver and Your Aunt Becky) come walk with us for the March for Babies! You know you want to.

115 thoughts on “It Puts The Uterus in the Closet or it Gets the Hose Again

  1. I am glad you are reclaiming your crotch.
    I am trying to get my hubs to get snipped before he goes to Iraq. If he’s out of the country, the whole no sex for 6 weeks (?) won’t be nearly as difficult.
    Sadly, he thinks it might be painful jumping out of helicopters and stuff when he’s just had minor surgery.

    1. I didnt think you had to wait 6 weeks to have the sex, I thought you have to wait 6 to 8 weeks to have UNPROTECTED sex.

  2. I pushed out my one and only crotch parasite (love that term) a few years ago. OK, more than a few. She’s an adult now. Let’s leave it at that.

    It’s nice to be on this side of the fence. The side that smiles a wicked grin because you know what the other side of the fence is going through, and you sympathize, but you are never going back.

    You feel wise, and sometimes a little smug. And sometimes a little sad. But each phase of life gets better, I promise. There will always be plenty of parenting to do. Even when they are all grown up.

  3. By the way…I’d have nut punched my husband for the “uter-US” not “uter-YOU” line. But I am just that militant about my mommy parts.

  4. Oh, good for you and the Daver that he’s getting the old snippity snip snip! Hopefully for you he won’t whine about his incision hurting him for the next 25 odd years or so like my husband has. I want to punch him in the balls every time he whines…he has a scar that you can’t even see. I have tried and tried to remind him, that I pushed a 9lb 4oz child out of my girlie bits. Jackass.

    1. Dave will probably always bring it up like yours because he has no fucking idea what pain is. He just has no frame of reference for that sort of thing, so he’s constantly whining about paper cuts and insect bites.

  5. Did you buy the frozen peas yet? No shit……that was in the video…..frozen peas….laughed so hard I nearly peed myself in the urologists office. Who looked at me like I was a sadistic madwoman. Oh wait, I am a sadistic madwoman. Well, anyways, you know, make sure you get the frozen peas for The Daver….then, take pix, cause yeah, I did that too. Bwahahaha, I promised the kids to put the pic in the wedding slideshow……..

  6. The phrase crotch parasite is akin to me calling being pregnant and Alien host….not that I have done either of them and those phrases are a big reason why not.

    My uterus is a uter-me. TYVM.

  7. Within my group of friends we kind of kept the kids going evenly spaced. A lot of the stuff my little ones wore were handed down, so as soon as they grew out of it, it went to the next in line. Now they are too hard on clothing to do that anymore…more likely to turn old t-shirts into dust rags.

  8. Aunt Becky, hopefully your hubby does not whine like mine did. Mine sat in his recliner for an entire week with a lap full of ice. Popped his sutures a month after the surgery and ended up with a sack full of blood. I felt no sympathy during the entire healing process. Pushing nine pounds of his demon spawn through my girlie parts twice was much worse than a little snip snip!

  9. I luvs it! I was the one, when I was with my soon-to-be-ex who had to have the procedure. Only for me it was freaking SURGERY. Because…get this…his MOTHER said, “My boy is not gonna get clipped!”. I shit you not.

    So I had surgery. SUR-gery. I suggested to him recently that he is still capable of procreating with someone else and might consider having it done. I promised him it doesn’t feel different (his biggest reason for not doing it besides his mother’s aversion to it) as my boyfriend can happily attest to.

    Maybe telling him my guy can hit the wall so it can’t be that bad wasn’t in good taste? Hrmmm….

  10. I don’t have enough kids, but I made the decision to stop the madness a month or two ago. My eggs are apparently spoiled. But we did the great baby stuff purge, and I’m convinced the shit is cursed. I’ve been trying to sell very gently used stuff on craigslist and ebay, and all I get are wackos! No sales, just wackos. Now I’m going to be forced to have a garage sale. I’m all for dropping the stuff off at Goodwill, but my husband would rather collect some of his $$$ back. Sigh.

    Congratulations on taking back your crotch! And the rest of you…

  11. My circle of friends and I have between us 7 children who were born between 8-11 months apart. 4 of them are younger than my own so I was able to part somewhat easily with most of the baby clothes knowing where they were going.

    But I have my favorite 0-6 month outfits packed up in a box that I can’t bring myself to give away even though DH had the snip 5 years ago

  12. sweet jesus – I thought you said Dr. Seuss was the devil…I almost had a heart attack…maybe it’ll change but I begggg my toddler to pick those books over any of the others. UterU is the best ever.

  13. Uter-us made me almost pee my pants while simultaneouly squirting coffee through my nose.Thanks, I think?
    We too have 3 and are done because yes, it is a motherfucking lot of kids!! My hubby has been saying he is going to get snipped since our third was born but so far he hasn’t. He knows better than to whine about pain with me thoogh since I gave birth all 3 times with no drugs…you may admire me now, I’ll wait….LOL
    Also, I am still geeking out about you commenting on my blog! and following me!! Aunt Becky is the best!!!

  14. SHIT! I have two kids and I am done pushing out the little chubby’s. My last was 9 lbs and after that I swore never to do that again. I can’t imagine 3.
    Your doing March for Babies? I have done it for the last 3 years and I loved it. Have a great time 🙂

    1. I’m so happy to do the March for Babies. I was going to do it last year, but with Mimi’s surgery, I was still an emotional wreck last year. This year, we’re gonna rock the shit out of it.

  15. We’re still in talks about a 3rd, but we don’t have any baby stuff anymore. After the 4th move, it was time to stop dragging the shit everywhere.

    I’m also thinking that maybe we’ll get a boy, since you know, with the first two, we had stuff for a girl. I’m all for subtle influences!

    Glad you are getting the clutter out of the house, and are reclaiming your uter-you!!

  16. You need to have The Daver write a guest post about why other husbands NEED to do this. He can lie if he can make it sound appealing enough to talk Mr. Floren into it. I stress out every month! No. More. Babies.

  17. Soooo, I am stuck on the part in which we don’t realize how hard the winter (especially the last one) is on our psyche. This past winter was particularly difficult and you have the right of it. Like puppies, happy and wiggling and peeing with joy.

  18. I have just two, both girls, and when it came time to clear out all of the baby shit, I too felt myself surprisingly melancholy. I didn’t want those days back, and I didn’t want to do it again, but those tiny clothes? Oh My God.

    It was hard to let go.

    My solution? I let my younger daughter (who was waaaaay into baby dolls at the time of the clearing-out), select enormous wardrobes for her dolls from the baby clothing. The rest I gave away. It was awesome to watch Kallan dress up her dolls in the outfits I remembered her and her sister wearing.

    Of course, once they were nicely dressed, my daughter would throw her babies off of the balcony onto the concrete below.

    Which was also awesome, actually.

    1. Your daughter is my hero.

      And I will be melancholy when I see the girl stuff go. The boy stuff, I’m okay with. The girl stuff, I still have. That will flay me. I promise.

  19. Oh my, do I GET this!! First of all, when you have a baby (or 2) in February, sometimes it’s kinda fun to surprise the neighbors who didn’t know you were even pregnant in the fall by walking the baby stroller up and down the cul-de-sac (also, how weird is that word – cul-de-sac?) in the spring heat (50 degrees or so).

    Second, baby clothes. They’re hard to let go. A family at my mom’s church had an un-planned baby…after she had given away all of their baby stuff. They have next to no money and at the same time she was delivering the baby, her 3-year-old son ended up in the hospital having emergency surgery (with a bare-bones health insurance plan). I didn’t hesitate for a second to cough up all of the baby girl stuff that I could – plus some plain old baby gear that we are (God-willing) never gonna need again. It makes a difference to KNOW that someone needs it. It’s harder to just pitch it or give it to charity, I think.

    1. Yes. I couldn’t give it to charity, much as I normally donate to Salvation Army (I have probably a van-load of stuff to go there in my garage as we speak). I just couldn’t. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.

  20. My cunt has just regained it’s tightness, and is even tighter than before I exploded my 10lb11oz and 10lb10oz babies out of it. I am (maybe) going to uni this fall when youngest starts school and def don’t want anymore. You know, unless brad Pitt wants to knock me up…

    1. How do you know its tighter? Do you have a clenchometer?

      Curious minds want to know.

      Plus you made me laugh at the use of the C word. I swear, all the time, but that word just shocks me when used so casually.

      I use the word, dont get me wrong, but usually when I am describing someone I dont like and am very angry with.

      1. Well sex used to be blah, but now I can feel him in there. Plus recently I’ve been able to do this thing where I clench, and seriously his eyeballs pop out- so funny! I made my husband give me a rating to 10 for when we first met (virgin btw) 0 for being able to carry beach balls and the like, and apparently I was 3 after the babies and am 7-8 now… Not bad. Apparently 10 hurt him :s
        I’m afraid I was really into the vagina monolgues as a teen, took “reclaiming cunt” to heart. I don’t use it in everyday conversation, and not around me children ever (they still think “poop” is a bad word) but talking about the vagina in adult conversation? I use cunt. I think it’s a good word for it- I don’t refer to people as it though…

  21. Ah, I’m with you on the hard-to-part-with baby stuff. The gear, eh, not so much, but the clothes? Definitely. I’ve kept a few of my favorite ickle outfits hidden in their closets. When the two of them are driving me batshit crazy, I dig out the clothes to remind me that they were once cute and little and not always the mouthy demons they morph into sometimes.

  22. I have two kids (my oldest just turned 13 – Eek) and, since I was sorta young when I started the whole breeding thing, I go back and forth on having another. I keep reminding myself that it’s just been so long since I had a baby that I’ve forgotten how miserable I was and, thus far, that’s kept me from getting knocked up again. I need to just have Not-So-Ex get the snip and have it over with.

    1. Having the 8-year old makes it an easier transition. We have 2 in diapers and really, I like having to not get up at night anymore. Snipping, it’s permanent and that’s good. I want my life back. In some form.

  23. Oh Aunt Becky, this post so struck a chord with me, for many reasons. I’ve been saying I don’t want any more crotch parasites since I’ve already got 2 – a boy and a girl. I personally feel like that is a lot. How do you hold onto 3 when you only have 2 hands?? And since my baby is about Mimi’s age, things are just starting to sortof get back to a somewhat normal keel. As in, I am not quite so sleep deprived. But my hubs really wants another. I guess he thinks it’s a uter-US too. I’m not opposed to the wee cute thing – I really love babies, but I really don’t want to be all preggers again. Oh and I LIKE sleeping at night. Oh and kids are fucking expensive! And how on earth do you pay enough attention to them all?? 1. How do you feel about going from 2 to 3- is it a really big difference? 2. How did you convince Daver to snip? I am NOT willing to have surgery after suffering pregnancy and popping 2 (or3) crotch parasites out the girly bits. No thank you! Not fair.

    1. I’m gonna be honest: going from 2 to 3 is a huge difference. You’re OUTNUMBERED now. So wait, you know? See if you still want more in a couple of years.

      And it was always the deal that The Daver would get the vasectomy. I had the babies, he’d get the surgery. PERIOD.

  24. My oldest crotch parasite turns 18 next week.

    I bawled like a sulk arse last week looking through his baby book and holding his “hospital” outfit. Then I remembered that he now cooks, cleans and wipes his own ass and the tears stopped.

    Here’s to the end of diapers Aunt Becky!

  25. Good for you girl! Well you know we hopefully have two on the way. I so look forward to the day I can clean out closets. Shit I can’t wait to start filling closets and dressers, who am I kidding. It’s still early though.

  26. Well, don’t pull out your IUD yet, I know two kids who were conveived post vasectomey and they are just as parasitey as the others.

    Baby clothes sort day completely kills me. I suffer with it so much, it has me wailing and needing Xanax. My solution (you know I am all crafty, knitting and all) is to save my very favorite items and when the girls are 12 or 14 and don’t talk to me anymore so I have time on my hands, I will make them and me each a quilt, made of my or their favorite items from each era. Then when I am senile and forgotten in an old folks home, I’ll huddle under the quilts made from their clothes and pretend I’m already dead, and they’ll each have one to keep. I kinda make myself want to heave.

  27. Oh, this shop is closed for sure. I’m so glad. True overshare: I thought my husband knocked my IUD out the other day during sexy time. I freaked the fuck out.

  28. i still can’t get rid of all of my daughter’s baby books, blankies, art, and the ‘mama minnie’ stuffed animal whose ear she rubbed every day and night. but i truly enjoyed how liberating it was to be done.

  29. “The era of watching OTHER people get fat, saggy asses and leaky breasticles while they cook their crotch parasites. ” I think you have broken some kind of record with this sentence. It deserves a very special award.

  30. Oh the wee clothes – the wee clothes!!! They slay me as well.

    But then I remember not sleeping for years, and I’m totally cool with mine again. Even though I’d just about do anything short of kidnapping to get a girl.


    Moving along. Moving along.

    (P.S. to the Daver: the Uter”us” comment made me snort. Good luck with the 15th – mwwwhaahahhaaaaa.)

  31. My crotch is not my own at the moment. I can’t even see it, so for all I know someone has slammed a flag in it and claimed it for his/her own.

    Can’t imagine getting rid of those clothes considering I’ve just started buying them. It was like getting rid of all my wedding planning things. I thought a Wedding Tree would be a good idea. Same here. A Baby Tree. Like reverse Christmas. You put everything out under a beautifully decorated tree at night and by the morning, poof, it’s gone. (Much like Kaiser Soze.)

  32. I just had my 2nd chubby person a few weeks ago. I got pregnant with her 6 months after my son was born. I’m a baby junkie and those little clothes…they kill me too. I remember looking @ Christian’s outgrown clothes and yearning for a littl one to stuff into them…and whammo! I was preggo again. I still might have another one…but I’m waiting longer than 6 months this time…I think my body would crumble if I did it that soon again!

  33. uter-US not uter-YOU…omg that kills me.

    baby clothes slay me too. I just did the purge (and my baby is 6) and while I did it, I was so sad and almost, almost came in and declared we should have another baby. I would have been involuntarily committed to the crazy house by my husband right that moment. So yea.

    1. Dave would have given HIMSELF a vasectomy if I declared that. I’ll occasionally tell him that I’m pregnant just to fuck with him and he gets all pale. It’s hilarious.

  34. You always do it to me Aunt Becky, you get me all excited and mention something about St. Charles and my heart races and I start bouncing up and down in my computer chair and clapping my hands while I let out a squeal of delight…..and then you slap me with Illinois……St Charles Illinois…..not Missouri………………..Oh well….one day, our paths might pass and all will be good because I will have met you~!

  35. God bless the vasectomy. I’d probably have had ten kids instead of four without that sweet little nip. I had the uterYES!
    Anyway, I wanted to say, Ms. Becks, that when my last baby had outgrown the beautiful little-person clothes that tugged my heart, I put my favorites away. Not a huge bunch, but a few. For my future grandchildren. And that seemed SO ridiculous then.
    Now. It seems like yesterday and my first grandchild has already outgrown some of them.
    SO- just sayin’- keep your favorites. One day you will be so glad.

  36. Er, I still have a bin full of my daughter’s baby clothes in the closet (maybe two, ahem) and she’s 16 years old. They are so funny to look at. Definitely very dated styles.

  37. This is a job I still need to fully address…yeah, because it’s been 8 years! However, doing it means a reality that I’m simply not happy with, so I put it off…and that really just makes things worse. Anyway, yeah…long, veiled-story short, I still need to do this!

  38. I can’t imagine doing that again. The thought of it makes my innards all quivery. I haven’t gotten rid of the baby things, though. Huge emotional stuff there; you’re right.

    Just looked down and realized my legs are crossed. Really, REALLY tight.

  39. I hear ya! With me it wasn’t the clothes so much. I had inherited almost all of our baby clothes from friends, and was quite happy to pass them on to another friend after my 2nd daughter outgrew them. I’d been storing them for so long that I was ecstatic to get the closet space back.

    For me, it was the baby bottles in the cupboard. I had to call my husband into the kitchen for moral support as I reclaimed that space for other cups and bowls. It was a heart-wrenching moment, since we’re also done thanks to a little snip-snip.

  40. We have struggled with the same thing here, except my SIL is dating commitment-phobe asshole who should never breed right now, so we don’t even get to see nieces or nephews in our stuff.

  41. I have been getting rid of Layla’s outgrown outfits as I go along, because I figure that way I won’t be all melodramatic about it later.

    There are certain outfits, though, that I’ll NEVER give up.

    The pink hat with the skull and crossbones that I put on her to bring her home from the hospital, for instance, you would have to pry from my cold dead fingers, and even then, I might haunt you.

  42. I… I kind of liked Dr. Sears. *shame* *hide*

    Actually, I liked him because he meshed with what I felt was best for me and my son while everyone else was hollering, “FORMULA! PACIFIER! YOU’RE MAKING HIM NEEDY!”

    I think we all just need to find what’s good for us and our lives and carry around a 2×4 with a nail through the end to answer everyone’s “questions”.

  43. I always forget we are about the same age….I so thought I would have at least one more crotch parasite by now, maybe even two like you. I’m not sure if I wanna take my Crotch Back or Keep it Loose for a couple years on a wait and see basis.

    Hahaha get it? Keep it Loose. Thats hysterical.

  44. uter- us??? your Daver is a clever guy to come up with that…..that’s hilarious. of course, if that was true, then let them carry the alien crotch parasites for 4 1/2 months……i like the uter-ME. Horray for the Daver…and YOU
    yeah baby stuff…i swear, looking at old baby clothes, i can smell the little muchkins (only the good stuff….memory is great like that)

  45. I’m ROTFL at the “uter-US, not uter-YOU” line. That is freaking hilarious!!!

    Know what happened to me after I stopped having babies and gave away EVERYTHING (minus the coming-home outfit & a few special blankets)? No, I didn’t get pregnant. That ship has SAILED.

    Noooo… now I’m adopting. So I get to go buy new stuff. In duplicate (different sizes).

    You could always adopt a baby, Aunt Becky, to fit in those tiny baby clothes. 3 or 4 kids really is NOT a lot of children…. well, coming from the perspective of someone who has 7 and will soon have 9. 😀

  46. My baby clothes are long gone . . . my (ahem) little one is 6’3″ and will be 22 this summer.

    Fortunately, he’s almost past that obnoxious teenage stage, and I have the fun – nay, the JOY – of laughing my ass off at my sister with her teenage daughter and two pre-teens.


  47. I love the term “crotch parasites”. I had used parasites but yours is a much better description (though both of mine came via C-section so my crotch has been mine all along). I too made this last baby decision but I made it while pregnant with my second child. I had the doctor tie up the tubes while he was in rooting around for my youngest son. At first I was sentimental and wondered about my decision but now I am totally okay with it. I am slowly getting my life back and am happy with the littles I was given so now it is ME time.

  48. Your nephew is wearing one of the outfits as I write this! Thanks again for all the great clothes–but I want all your fav outfits too. Don’t hold out on your nephew! Haha. Thanks again darling

  49. “The era of watching OTHER people get fat, saggy asses and leaky breasticles while they cook their crotch parasites.”

    Dearest Becky,

    You are the most priceless motherfucker on the interwebs today. I heart you a great deal and wish we could be friends in Real Life.

    – G$ in Boston

  50. They do the same thing here every thursday in April, though I’ve seen more accidents on certain small streets in those 4 Thursdays from people coming to a screatching hault to pick up some random thing in someone’s front yard and throw it in their car, than those streets probably see in an entire year if not more.

    I too am about to go through all my girl clothes, my little girl is 3 today, and the inhabitant of my uterus has a penis so he won’t be looking pretty in pink when he emerges in July. Happily sometime in August hubs is getting his bits snip snipped VOLUNTARILY, I told him there would be no whining because the other option involved hedge clippers…

  51. Hehe, Marque and I have already decided our one child is enough. That’s why for Christmas this year she’s getting a hot mommy job. Boob lift (cause let’s face it, nobody needs bigger than D), tummy tuck, lipo, the whole nine. She wants to show the rest of the world that she’s got a kid and a rocking body still. she just doesn’t want to go through the effort to get it herself 😀

  52. Becks…can I call you Becks, I agree with you…and I will once again say a vagina is not a clown car (why cause I love that statement).
    The no more kids thing is great. And…I would like to commend this statement

    ” of watching OTHER people get fat, saggy asses and leaky breasticles while they cook their crotch parasites.”

    I nominate breasticles and crotch parasites for the Dicktionary. You in?

  53. I saved all of my baby girls clothes because i got an idea to make a quilt out of them. Then I got my brain back and donated it all in one fell swoop. We have saved a couple of memorable outfits that hang in the garage on hangers for us to ooh and aaah over.

  54. I totally get this! I have two kids, and not sure about the 3rd. My friend said it best when she wants another family member, but not a baby. Anyway, I just don’t think I can ever get rid of the baby clothes. . . LIke you, I am not one for good byes no matter how much I am ready.

  55. Congrats on the taking back of you uterus. Your posts make my day! Thanks for letting me read. I am your newest addict. 🙂

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