It’s taken me four years of painstaking work to get my house to look as though we’re not a family of squatters who just happened upon a house and moved in. Hell, I’m just now trying to get my downstairs painted from the hideous green that our previous owners decided was “soothing.”

It’s not fucking soothing. It’s INFURIATING.

(I’m also colorblind, so while it may APPEAR a nice color to you, it looks like cat shit smeared on the walls)

Anyhow, one of the first things I did, beyond repair our hideous downstairs bathroom was to start work on the landscaping.

Now you probably don’t think “landscaping” and “Aunt Becky” should appear in the same sentence, and you would be right. I nearly broke both ankles using a pickaxe last summer, to a chorus of laughter from everyone else involved.

(shut your whore mouth)

aunt-beckys-backyard

See what I had to work with here?

This summer has, thus far, been devoted to watching cat videos and replacing the stuff I ripped out last summer. So I’m outside a lot.

Last week, before I left for Assville, I was outside, planting some roses in the rain, humming the Pina Colada song (I always replace “pina” with “penis” because I am a classy broad) and I remembered something stored previously in the dark, dank recesses of my mind.

Those Geese.

Well, okay, I thought they were ducks, until The Twitter pointed out I was wrong. The Twitter is good for that.

But anyway, I was all, “self, whatever HAPPENED to those stupid ducks that people used to dress up in wee clothing? The ones that I may or may not have stolen clothing off of when I was an asshole teenager.”

I honestly couldn’t recall the last time I’d seen a goose in wee rainboots and that made me fairly stabbity. Not because I wanted to see one, mind you, but because geese are Of The Devil. Had they been otters – which rate high on the cuteness scale – I’d never have stolen their clothes.

But since the plaster geese seem to be extinct, I think it’s high time for something to replace it. ANOTHER animal for (old) people to dress up for the seasons.

And Pranksters, I’m thinking that what would sell like hotcakes are one of two items that I should probably get started on crafting immediately, if not sooner.

Don’t you want to PREORDER this guy in statue form?

eel-motherfuckers

Not convinced? Let me show you his wee clothes:

eel-statue

SEE?

Perfect for the holidays, Pranksters.

Now, Option Two is this Bad Boy:

sea-lampray

You MAY have to include a note that says, “no this is not a vicious showerhead.”

But let’s see him in his clothes!

Oui! Oui! Oui! You can see the BASTILLE DAY Sea Lamprey has busted out the wine AND the adorability.

These motherfuckers are going to be selling like HOTCAKES. We should start preordering them IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner.

So that, perhaps Pranksters, will be how I finance the landscaping (and subsequent hospitalizations) I must do this summer. THAT is the way I can leave MY MARK on the world.

Statues.

Who wants in on this, Pranksters?

Comments

comments

62 thoughts on “It Always Comes Back To Those Damn Geese

  1. Adorable. Reminds me a bit of this guy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/61840860/great-white-shark-print-8×10

    I once had a disagreement with my husband over whether to put gnomes or flamingos in the front yard – I was pro-gnome, which proves my pedigree, but he refused to acknowledge my superior taste. I was willing to compromise and offered to put gnome heads on flamingo bodies, but for some reason that genius idea didn’t get the sparkling reception it so deserves.

    In the end, we both agreed to keep our front yard decorated the way it was, with weeds.

  2. I grew up in the sticks. We once stole a cement pig dressed up for Easter with bunny ears. We also went cow tippin’, so I may not be the best reference for stuff like this, but I always LIKED the pig.

  3. I didn’t realize that dressing up geese statues was a thing. I just thought my neighbors were odd. They have one sitting outside their front door that they dress up. Each season/major holiday has an “outfit”. Right now it’s dressed in a yellow dress with a bonnet.

  4. The geese are definitely still around. My mother asked me to go with her to a craft show last week, and there was one whole stall completely dedicated to cement goose clothing.

    I don’t even pretend to understand why that’s a thing.

    But your creepy fish alternatives are kind of creeping me out.

  5. I had no idea that dressing up fake animals in seasonal attire was a THING. Why don’t I know this? I grew up in Maine which I thought invented lawn art. We had lots of those metallic crystal ball things set on a pedestal, which I never understood, as well as wooden cutouts that looked like chubby ladies bending over in your yard with their poke-a-dot knickers showing. That’ll be a head-scratcher for the anthropologists 500 years from now.

  6. The former owners of our house were super nice, but the Mrs. REALLY loved the color PINK. It was everywhere, right down to the pink, scuzzy CARPET in the BATHROOM. Curtains, walls…nothing was safe from her pink frenzy. She also loved wallpaper (ugly 1970s whorehouse from the Bunny Ranch wallpaper). The pink and the wallpaper are all gone now. Finally.

  7. My cousin has 2 5 foot tall Nutcrackers that she has in the window over her front door. She keeps them there year round and dresses them for each holiday. Decided that was easier than storing them after Christmas

  8. Thank you (birthday buddy) for acknowledging how utterly creepy geese are. *shiver* The eels are creepy too but in a “COOL, that’s creepy” way. I’ll stop referring to us sharing a birthday before THAT gets creepy……In a not cool way.

  9. Thank you (birthday buddy) for acknowledging how utterly creepy geese are. *shiver* The eels are creepy too but in a “COOL, that’s creepy” way. I’ll stop referring to us sharing a birthday before THAT gets creepy……In a not cool way.

  10. There was a house in my home town with a large wooden cow on the front of their house. It was always dressed festively for each holiday and season.

    I think I need 10 of each kinds of the statues. They’re sexy.

  11. While I love the lamprey’s jaunty little beret, I think he would give me nightmares and I would fear that he was coming to suck out my bone marrow while I slept!

  12. There’s a house in the city I pass semi-often and in the corner of their front yard, not obtrusive at all, in fact you may not even notice it, but they have a stone rhino. It’s about 2ft tall so maybe 3 ft long – whatever- point is, it’s made of stone so not glaring. EXCEPT that they decorate him for the seasons – Mardi GRAS beads, St Pat hat, etc. It cracks me up and I will admit if you could come up with a more, ahem, non gross statue, I’m totally in. You could have contests for who’s otter is the tackiest for Kentucky Derby Day!!!

  13. There’s a house in the city I pass semi-often and in the corner of their front yard, not obtrusive at all, in fact you may not even notice it, but they have a stone rhino. It’s about 2ft tall so maybe 3 ft long – whatever- point is, it’s made of stone so not glaring. EXCEPT that they decorate him for the seasons – Mardi GRAS beads, St Pat hat, etc. It cracks me up and I will admit if you could come up with a more, ahem, non gross statue, I’m totally in. You could have contests for who’s otter is the tackiest for Kentucky Derby Day!!!

  14. I like all of it. I love the fake flowers and the crazy showerhead. Is that a lamprey? Isn’t that what they’re called? Where can I get me one of them? Sign me up!

  15. My mom went to cosmotology school in the 60s and had this sort of manequin head that she had used to practice haircutting techniques on. The head’s name was Lisa, and she came complete with garish painted on make-up and no body below the neck. When I was in college, she sat in the front window of my apartment and I decorated her for various holidays–bunny ears for Easter, headband with glittery shamrocks on springs for St. Patrick’s Day, a truly creepy clown mask for Halloween, bottlerockets in her hair for Guy Fawkes Day, Santa hat (and cigarette) for Christmas, Happy New Year’s tiara–she had quite the wardrobe. Wonder what happened to her…

  16. OMG. The eel. The eel had me in tears. He went from aggressive and scary, with me recoiling in terror in the first photo, to happy-go-lucky man about town in the second photo. Not unlike Dick Van Dyke (whom I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with).

    I’ll take 56 eels in wee clothing.

    Also, from now on anytime I come across something or someone scary, I’m going to imagine them with a top hat on. Because that is brilliant.

  17. I mean, sure, the creepy eel does well pull off his top hat. But it doesn’t make me feel as though I’m welcome – clearly I’m stopping him from attending to his important business.

    Maybe a bathrobe and slippers would put me more at ease.

    (Just suggestions for his additional costumes, which I assume will start being produced for later shipments, and eventually conform to the seasons.)

  18. Fake flowers. Ween-ises. Geese. Eels. Top Hats.
    How do you come up with this shit (I say “shit” but in the nicest and coolest form of the word)?

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